[Arduous]

The Monster Within.... That's pretty accurate.
Because sometimes there's a voice within, a voice different than the one you're use to.
Different than the voice you use to read silently in your mind. This other voice is cruel, hateful and sucks the life right out of you. That "monster" voice tells you how to act, how to view the world. Tells you that you are unlovable, and you can not love. That voice is scary beyond words, terrifying and benevolent.
That voice rules your world... it is darkness.

That is half of me, the other half is the opposite.... You know both.

I know that monster intimately .. unfortunately.

I just want to wake up and feel something.... I just want to be me for once, not a shell of what I use to be.
I want to feel passion for life, for love.

Is that to much to ask?

[January]

I do not have that monster, but I want you to know I care and I'm sorry you go through this.

[Moose72]

I had that monster on a certain anti psychotic whose name escapes me right now. It was scary. Im sorry youre dealing with this.

[Arduous]

Well, I've been off my meds for a little over a year, "depakote made my hair fall out & I just stopped taking everything", and I'm about to lose my mind. I called my therapist to make an appointment but it will be three more weeks till they can get me in. I'm rapid cycling several times a day & honestly I'm loosing touch on reality. How is it even possible to be very depressed and hypo manic at the same time?
I feel euphoric for 5 minutes them I'm crashing back down to darkness. All the while i'm so aggravated my body is humming with hatred.
On top of all that my anxiety is so bad I can't be around people & driving is just a hassle most days.
I'm ready to snap, scream, cry and beg all at the same time.
Is there anyone else here like that?
Oh, my doc said i'm bipolar, but I don't quite fit because I haven't had a full blown manic episode. So she said I have a mood disorder (NOS)
Mood disorder my butt!!! I'm loosing it

It's a shame the depakote made my hair fall out. It actually worked when nothing else would.. I want to go back on it but I don't want to lose my hair. Is that awful?

I can't take anti depressants because I literally flip out. Although nobody has put me on a antidepressant and a mood stabilizer at the same time.
I don't want to be a emotionless zombie, neither do I want to be depressed.

Does any of this make sense or am I rambling on? My mind never stops so sometimes I is hard for me to slow it down & put everything into words..... Sigh

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by January

I do not have that monster, but I want you to know I care and I'm sorry you go through this.

Thank you. That helps & means a lot.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I had that monster on a certain anti psychotic whose name escapes me right now. It was scary. Im sorry youre dealing with this.

It is never ending for me. I don't know who I am anymore....
Thanks.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Arduous

It is never ending for me. I don't know who I am anymore....
Thanks.

Have you told your pdoc about this?

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Have you told your pdoc about this?

I can't get in to see her till the 26 this month. I've went 13 months with no contact. But i'm suppose to talk to a counselor then see her.
I'm not holding anything back this time.

[Disorder7]

You said you haven't had a full blown manic episode. Do you think you may have had a full blown mixed episode? You sound a lot like me when I'm manic. Just full of angry---instead of happy-- energy.
Maybe you could try a regular family physician at least to get a benzo while you wait to see a pdoc.

[Moose72]

Isnt that hard when you have to wait to see your pdoc?

[Disorder7]

I just went back and read your post from 1:59. To be honest it sounds like you might be in a mixed episode right now.
That's the worst and most dangerous state. I really urge to see a family doctor or go to one of those clinics where you can walk in. You don't need to be in this state if mind for three more weeks.

[Arduous]

It's possible with the full blown mixed episode. I just know I'm seething with rage and very tearful. I'm jumping from rage, despair, rage despair every few minutes.

My regular family doc said he doesn't feel comfortable prescribing me anything like that because he doesn't know much about mental disorders.
I've called other nearby physicians and they're booked up for weeks.
I'm at a loss with it really. Guess all I can do is deal with it until they can get me in.

[Disorder7]

If it gets really bad, go to the emergency room. Tell them what you told us.

Being in a mixed state is risky. Besides suicide, a number of bipolar people are killed in altercations with others during mixed states. You have a lot of anger, but not the judgement to hold you back from doing something really crazy.
Be careful.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Isnt that hard when you have to wait to see your pdoc?

Unbelievably so. I was so upset when they told me how long I would have to wait.
Especially when, for the first time ever I started having these horrible images pop into my head of me ending my life.
Here lately when I'm driving I have these urges to just floor it and whip the wheel hard to the right. Just to see what happens. And that, is simply scary.
I know I'm depressed but I've never had anything like that happen before.
It's like there is another person in my head telling me to do things that I would NEVER normally do.
And another example.... I was watching T.V. and out of nowhere I had a image of me holding a gun under my chin and pulling the trigger. I instantly started to cry. It was terrifying.

I don't understand why that would just pop into my head??
It felt like a stranger invaded my brain and was telling me to do this...

I do love my life, even though I deal with all this everyday. So I would never do anything like that. I have 3 kids so having those things just pop into my head made me mad. As if I would ever do something like that?!!! Never!

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Disorder7

I just went back and read your post from 1:59. To be honest it sounds like you might be in a mixed episode right now.
That's the worst and most dangerous state. I really urge to see a family doctor or go to one of those clinics where you can walk in. You don't need to be in this state if mind for three more weeks.

I am always like this. But for peace of mind, I will call them and see if they can get me in sooner.

[Notoriousglo]

I have the exact same problem. I actively try to "repress" thoughts so I don't finish dialogue with my monster if that makes sense.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by euphy

I have the exact same problem. I actively try to "repress" thoughts so I don't finish dialogue with my monster if that makes sense.

Yes it does. And it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I've never met anyone like me IRL.

[Love&Toil]

Hang in there Arduous

[loophole]

I have this monster.. he comes and goes... he brings on an alternate me.. especially on the inside...... very sinister but sadly proud of it....... was told by therapist that this is my own personal type of.self harm I do... I gut the people closest.to me and find a since of joy in it.. it's very disappointing and disturbing..... it's scary.. if I see something evil or bad on TV I envision doing something similar and it just brings a smirk to my face.. if I got into a fight they better knock me out cold because I will fight to the death.... and I'd literally kick the person's face and break it.... proceed to pee all over their face and tell them to cry like a ***** or I will end them with my boot... sickening and ill....

[Hopeful10]

I deal with the described "monster." I am a very loving, compassionate person, but when the monster starts screaming in my head I become full of rage. Seeing you can't get in to see your pdoc for 3 weeks, I would suggest checking into a psych hospital to get help.

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by loophole

I have this monster.. he comes and goes... he brings on an alternate me.. especially on the inside...... very sinister but sadly proud of it....... was told by therapist that this is my own personal type of.self harm I do... I gut the people closest.to me and find a since of joy in it.. it's very disappointing and disturbing..... it's scary.. if I see something evil or bad on TV I envision doing something similar and it just brings a smirk to my face.. if I got into a fight they better knock me out cold because I will fight to the death.... and I'd literally kick the person's face and break it.... proceed to pee all over their face and tell them to cry like a ***** or I will end them with my boot... sickening and ill....

I've felt with something similar to that. Although I've never acted on it. Just sometimes I get really, really angry. Willpower & walking away helps me deal with it

[Arduous]

Originally Posted by Hopeful10

I deal with the described "monster." I am a very loving, compassionate person, but when the monster starts screaming in my head I become full of rage. Seeing you can't get in to see your pdoc for 3 weeks, I would suggest checking into a psych hospital to get help.

The monster sucks. I've calmed down finally so I think I can make it till my doc appointment.
Thank you for your concern.

[loophole]

Wife threatening. To leave again..this cracks up..... go ahead.leave.. taste then real world. .. think I give a crap? I don't care about money. Just my kids... she on the other hand would bite it hard... lol take everything away from me I don't care.. just not my kids.... she got everything she.could want day.to day life for sure... and she still a *****.. I don't feel sorry for her.for nothing.. we haven't had sex in 11 months.. everything is my fault. I mean everything....even my therapists say she needs therapy... screw her

[Arduous]

I'm sorry you're going through all that. It's hard to deal with those problems on top of all the other issues you have to deal with. I agree 100% that parents should not use their kids to get back at the other parent. You have a right to see them when you want. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? Or is it past that point? Whatever the case I hope things work out in your favor.
Marriage... for better or worse they say.

[loophole]

Been in marriage counseling for 2 years... however if the party helps to make her believe that I gotta get right that leads her to believe I gotta get fixed to fix this marriage.. yeah that's quality. ... not happy