[bellenuit]

What started out as what I had hoped was just a bad day, then a bad week, now its so bad I don't know if I have the energy to go on another day. 30 years of fighting this horrible, soul crushing illness...I'm done. I'm so tired I can't do it anymore.

I'm supposed to call the Dr tomorrow and see about having my meds adjusted. I think maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and let it win.

belle

[rollacoasta]

Originally Posted by bellenuit

What started out as what I had hoped was just a bad day, then a bad week, now its so bad I don't know if I have the energy to go on another day. 30 years of fighting this horrible, soul crushing illness...I'm done. I'm so tired I can't do it anymore.

I'm supposed to call the Dr tomorrow and see about having my meds adjusted. I think maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and let it win.

belle

Ugh, really feeling for you at the moment. I know sometimes you get sick of others empathizing but I really do.

Sometimes just curling up in bed is a temporary solution, with all the intrusive and obsessive thoughts that come with the illness, rest is really important.

But please don't isolate too much! I hope you have a good appt with your doc tomorrow. Be safe.

[bellenuit]

Don't think I'm going to call tomorrow. That would indicate the beginning of the battle. I don't care to fight any more. So tired.

Belle

[wildflowerchild25]

Call tomorrow. You had five good years, which means you know it can get better. I know te thought then is but it will always get worse...but it will always then get better. Call tomorrow. Don't let the illness win. I know it feels like you .don't have the energy, believe me, I know, but it won't stay this way, you know that. Call tomorrow. Keep coming here. Keep breathing. You beat it before and you will again.

[rollacoasta]

Fair enough. We are all different in how we handle this illness. Perhaps for now rest is best. What I would like to say though, is that it doesn't have to be like this all the time for you. There are things that can be done to make this illness easier to handle. That's all

[buzz bee]

Its your choice. But Im a fighter. I will not let it win. Even when I have my white flag up and waving it back and forth. I think of my kids, my husband and family. Im here for only a few short time. A twinkle in time. There is a reason. It can be as simple as catching a child when it falls, because if I dont catch him, then he cant discover something the world really needs or father the next great leader.

Sometimes its not about you. Its about the role you need to play for someone else. The role that only you can play.

Your a stronger then it.

[bellenuit]

Thanks for your responses. Feeling horrible hopeless and life seems very desolate. Tomorrow I will get up early and go into work like I always do and pretend that everything is okay. If things are better tomorrow maybe it will encourage me enough to call the Dr. If it is another bad day I'm not sure how I'll feel about it. Tomorrow is another day and life will continue. I took my meds for the evening and am praying sleep will provide me a short break from the turmoil that is currently my life.

Rest well and I wish you the peace that currently eludes me

Belle

[vans1974]

Well done...for me it's all about finding the right dose and right meds which is tough! For depression, Neuroscience at John Hopkins I believe, chose Cymbalta as the most effective AD, I just found out today by talking to my pdoc! Best of luck and wait a go!

[Downsideup75]

I feel your pain after nearly 4 years without a major episode I am spiraling down once again losing all hope that I will ever have anything close to a normal life and right now I don't have much faith in medicine due to side effects but I have got back into therapy and Seeking out people like myself as you probably know if you don't have bipolar you simply just will not understand it if I don't find a support group I will probably give up hoping for hope and well god only knows what I'll do then so use all your support and hope for the best good luck

[buzz bee]

My advise is get help today for the bad days to come.

[bellenuit]

Did actually call today, which was difficult for some reason they weren't answering the phone untill after 11a. They called back. Pdoc is out today. Tomorrow at 11a. Still feel horrible. Not accomplising much at work. Everything is so hopeless.

Belle

[newtothis31]

That's awesome that you made the call to your doctor. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[vjdragonfly]

I know it is rough right now and we all know the feeling to give up and yes you have been doing this for a long time, but there are the good days to live for and keep shooting for. Your life is precious and I don't want to see you give up. I may not know you, but I care for the struggles you go through. Keep posting here, support helps a lot. Congrats on mustering the strength to call, I know you can do it again tomorrow.

[lilypup]

Hugs to you and I hope you can get a successful med adjustment.

[bellenuit]

Originally Posted by Downsideup75

I feel your pain after nearly 4 years without a major episode I am spiraling down once again losing all hope that I will ever have anything close to a normal life and right now I don't have much faith in medicine due to side effects but I have got back into therapy and Seeking out people like myself as you probably know if you don't have bipolar you simply just will not understand it if I don't find a support group I will probably give up hoping for hope and well god only knows what I'll do then so use all your support and hope for the best good luck

I'm so sorry. I completely understand where you are. As much as I want to just curl up in a ball and be done with all of this I'm going to do what I've always done...I'm going to the pdoc tomorrow...I'm going to try the new meds....and if those fail....I'll do electroshock again. I'm just not quite psyched up for this battle just yet.

Belle