[StayinAlive]

I have cyclothymia and have done some things during hypomanic periods that, in hindsight, we're not good for me. Big understatement. I imagine you've all done this, too. So I struggle with knowing when to trust my own judgment. Now I'm in a 7 year relationship that isn't very bad, but I'm not happy overall. It isn't right. But I don't trust myself. Am I not happy because I'm depressed? I keep second guessing myself.

How do you know when to trust your mind, when your mind is not trustworthy at times?

[lacerta]

Well, when I have those outrageous ideas I make myself not to act on them immediately but wait for couple of days to see if I'm still into that.

[BlueInanna]

I don't always know when to trust myself. I have learned from the experiences I can now see werent good for me. But I still seem to play at the edge. For example I can get overly sexual when hypo and recently engaged in some texting with an old flame & sent naked pics but turned him down when he wanted the late night bootie call. I have a bf so I was playing risky near the edge. Maybe a good thing my meds make me sleepy lol. Even though I didn't go through with it, I still wonder what was I thinking. But good news this is an improvement from previous actions.

When depressed - therapy has helped with this - my brain tells me lies. I go to catastrophic thinking that just keeps me down. Negative thinking & inaction that just kicks myself further when I'm already down. I'm working hard to change the circles in my head to something more positive.

[Sinking Feeling]

Originally Posted by StayinAlive

.... (edited by me)
How do you know when to trust your mind, when your mind is not trustworthy at times?

That can drive me crazy too! I remember I usually make the wrong choices, so knowing that I will consider the opposite, but how do I really know for sure?

Sorry I don't have an answer. If I did it would probably be wrong any way

The best advice is to think it out over time. You can still be wrong but your chances of being right should increase the longer you think about it.

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't trust myself. I constantly ask myself is the way I'm reacting or what I am feeling in proportion to the situation because at the best of times I just can't tell.

[Double Edge]

Originally Posted by StayinAlive

I have cyclothymia and have done some things during hypomanic periods that, in hindsight, we're not good for me. Big understatement. I imagine you've all done this, too. So I struggle with knowing when to trust my own judgment. Now I'm in a 7 year relationship that isn't very bad, but I'm not happy overall. It isn't right. But I don't trust myself. Am I not happy because I'm depressed? I keep second guessing myself.

How do you know when to trust your mind, when your mind is not trustworthy at times?

I think you might want to ask yourself why you're not happy with your relationship. If you feel "it isn't right," why do you feel that way? Just because you're depressed doesn't mean that you're suddenly incapable of introspection about relationship issues. In fact, those issues could be part of why you're depressed. Is it something your partner is doing, or is it something you're doing that doesn't feel "right?"

I've struggled with knowing when to trust myself as well, especially when depressed. (Probably exclusively when depressed, because hypomanic me is 100% sure everything is a fantastic idea!) A helpful thing you can do is try to be as objective about yourself and situation as you can. Imagine it as if someone else was telling you about their problems, and what you might say to them about those problems.

Really try hard to identify those distorted negative thoughts, too. A few months ago, I let myself get involved with someone outside my marriage because my depressed state of mind had me entirely convinced that my husband didn't understand how I felt, would never understand, and that this other person somehow "got me" because he was also dealing with depression. That he understood me in ways that my husband never would be able to. I even started doubting that my marriage would even last because of this, and started seriously considering ending our relationship over these thoughts. I had been dangerously flirting with the other guy on and off for months before it finally went all the way.

I soon realized, however, that I wasn't talking to my husband about how I was feeling, so I wasn't even giving him the chance to try to understand, even though it's true that he does not and cannot understand how depression feels from a subjective standpoint. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me, and it doesn't mean I should throw my relationship away because my husband hasn't been depressed, though. Once I realized that, my so-called feelings of "love" for the other guy that I was so, so convinced of evaporated.

I ended the fling and have been working really hard on opening up to my spouse. It really hasn't been easy to do, and he has a hard time understanding how I feel, but I know that he's trying and is being as patient as he can be. Hopefully soon, we'll be able to try some couples counseling to help him get a better grip on what's going on with me, because I realized how frustrating it must be for him also to have no idea what the hell is going through my head from day to day. Maybe that might be something you and your partner could consider?

Something my tdoc told me the other day when I was grappling with my lack of happiness really stuck with me. She told me that "the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's contentment." Of course, depression doesn't help one experience "happiness" very well at all, but it made me realize that striving for some idea of happiness isn't very realistic. The goal truly is balance, contentment, homeostasis. Just being okay with life, yourself, and your place in life. So I've been trying to keep that in mind as well.

Overall, since all the nonsense with the other dude happened, I've been really trying hard to stay very cognizant of what my depression is trying to make me believe and what objectively someone else might say about how I feel. I've been opening up more to trusted friends about how I feel to get reality checks, and I've been more honest with my tdoc as well (I had hid a previous affair and the one I just mentioned because I deemed it "therapeutically irrelevant"). I can say that opening up to these trusted people, as ridiculously impossible as it felt because of the guilt/shame/worthlessness feelings, truly has helped me cope better with my depression, and it has gotten progressively easier to do.

It's really hard to trust yourself when you're depressed, so if you feel you can't do it anymore, you really have to trust the people around you who you know you can rely on, no matter how hard it is. It is so much more difficult and dangerous to try and go it alone when depressed. Hang in there and remember you aren't alone!

[ozzy1313]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I don't always know when to trust myself. I have learned from the experiences I can now see werent good for me. But I still seem to play at the edge. For example I can get overly sexual when hypo and recently engaged in some texting with an old flame & sent naked pics but turned him down when he wanted the late night bootie call. I have a bf so I was playing risky near the edge. Maybe a good thing my meds make me sleepy lol. Even though I didn't go through with it, I still wonder what was I thinking. But good news this is an improvement from previous actions.

When depressed - therapy has helped with this - my brain tells me lies. I go to catastrophic thinking that just keeps me down. Negative thinking & inaction that just kicks myself further when I'm already down. I'm working hard to change the circles in my head to something more positive.

I could have written this word for word- especially the sexting of other men. I lead them on and then when I am over the feeling I never follow through, which is good, but makes me feel even crazier. I also wonder though if it is BP or I'm just a cheating, slutty chick.

[Skitz13]

I have a very hard time trusting myself. I'm very impulsive, depressed or hypomanic.

When I'm severely depressed I attempt suicide and when I'm hypo...well anything goes.

I've had to put safety measures in place for myself.
When I'm depressed, all my medication goes to my daughters and if I refuse to go to the hospital, someone stays with me and my T and pdoc always knows what's going on.

When I'm hypo, that's a little more challenging for me. I always hand over my debit card to my daughters, make a place to clean/reorganize, exercise, get on the phone and talk to people to distract myself. I try very hard not to go out anywhere because it's when I'm out that I really get myself in trouble. I'm still getting phone calls from my last episode about 7 weeks ago.

Ironically enough, I met the man of my dreams while in a bad hypomanic episode.

[notALICE]

I can't trust my thinking. having a friend you trust can help for everyday things (not male! I had probs with that years ago, wanting/needing outside attention). Run your thoughts by someone who will give you an honest opinion, not just what you want to hear. Therapy is extremely helpful when you can go, but you can't talk to them all the time about every thing.

It's helped me. When I listened

[lilypup]

I agree that friends and caring family are good people to bounce things off of. Figure out what is making you feel bad about the relationship and then talk this over with loved ones. They can give you perspective on whether those feelings are "valid" or not. Be very cautious about making any big decisions when you think you are hypo.

[StayinAlive]

Thanks everyone. SO GLAD to know other people have felt this way. Well, not glad that any of you felt this way, but I think you know what I mean. Glad someone gets it.

I am seeing a therapist regularly. She is helping me sort out the relationship. That is more than I can describe on my dinner break. And I do have a great friend of 20+ years who is a good sounding board. She noticed a pattern to my mania that my psychiatrist never noticed -- happens every fall. I guess I have some support in place.

I hate that the thing we need to run our lives, our minds, is the problem. Does my mind ever leave out details to get the desired response or advice from a friend or therapist? Maybe.

More later. Many many thanks for sharing you thoughts and helping me feel I'm not alone.