Is this my fault/my bipolar? So confused. :(

Well, I've posted about this situation a number of times since April, but it's still troubling me greatly. I have bipolar and PTSD (chronic violence during childhood). I've been married 14 years to my college sweetheart, and diagnosed two years before we married. My husband attacked me physically this past March when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I got away and was okay. I was hormonal and probably overreacting to some extent over hurt feelings, but I keep asking myself whether it was my fault that he got so upset, because I have bipolar disorder and can be more sensitive than your average person (but to be clear, I have NEVER touched my husband or children in any negative way, even in self-defense). Could you weigh in on this? I'm trying to make sense of it.

My husband had only been violent a couple times until last March, and nothing too serious - kicked a bar stool at me once when I made a snide comment, and threw a little box at me once during an argument. In short, in March, I had found out he and his sister were talking about leaving me out of the 75th birthday gift to my father-in-law. Their rationale was that if my sister-in-law's boyfriend of one year wasn't included in the gift, that I, as my husband's partner, perhaps should not be as well. I was livid and extremely hurt when I found out, and I was immediately very vocal and told them they should be ashamed of themselves to even consider excluding me after 14 years of marriage. Anyway, I cried and whined about the situation for 24 hours. My husband continued to say that I'd misinterpreted the note I'd seen between him and his sister and that they "never really would have left me out." The next night I approached my husband before bed and calmly told him I felt hurt that I hadn't heard from his sister with an explanation or a simple "I'm sorry." I could see he was getting angry so I told him we should talk about it another time and headed up the stairs to bed. But instead he completely flipped out. Long incident, but basically he chased me up the stairs, threatened to douse me with a big mug of very hot water, and then hurled a chair at me from over his head. I got out of the way in time, ran downstairs, and locked him out of that floor while he screamed and pounded on the door and said I was crazy and had blown the chair-throwing out of proportion. It went on for another 15 minutes or so until I finally called my neighbors for help and he calmed down.

A couple weeks later, he said things to me like, "If you love me you won't tell anyone," "What I've done in the past isn't abuse because I've never hit you," "Everyone knows you have a bad memory," and ""Your therapist is paid to believe you" (among other hurtful things). I told him if he ever tries to hurt me or the kids again I will leave and take the kids with me, but he said he'll never let me have the kids. (He'd rip me apart in a divorce - He knows how to destroy me emotionally.) He's been good to me again for the past several months and is clearly making extra efforts, but I'm having a lot of trouble getting past the incident - I still feel violated physically and emotionally and I can barely stand for him to touch me.

The thing is, I think I WAS on the irrational side about what we were arguing about, and I definitely was pissed off. Did I provoke him? Am I partly to blame? Am I being unforgiving/rigid? My emotions are all over the place and I'm beating myself up over this, while I look at my husband and he seems perfectly normal and nice again. So confused.

You are not to blame for the way someone else reacts. Their behavior is a choice they make.
I have a feeling if your husband was dealing with a 300 pound bad *** man, he would have miraculously been able to control his impulse of kicking a bar stool.

You are an easy target and that's why he chooses to react the way he does.

No not your fault at all. He's manipulating you into not saying anything. If my husband ever did anything like that I'd be to afraid to stay with him.

NOTHING is an excuse for physical violence... or even emotional abuse.

It's not you, it's him.

Seconding this. No matter how difficult you were being, no one ever has the right to physically assault you. Your feelings about what happened are totally rational and I'd strongly suggest that your husband needs some professional help of his own to deal with his anger issues.

He is abusing you , physically and emotionally ... Regardless of your Bipolar ..Chasing you and threats of harm is not acceptable .. its never acceptable !

Please keep you and your children safe , even if that means leaving him. Have you talked to your Therapist about all this ? in detail ?

Please stay safe !

Your husband is both physically and emotionally abusive, and he will NEVER change because it's too easy to stray over that line again once it's been crossed. In fact, this is a classic abuse pattern: he hurts you or threatens you, then acts all nice for a few weeks or months as if he was sorry for what he did.....until the next time he gets angry with you.

He is also gaslighting you (making you feel crazy by telling you things like you don't remember events correctly) and is verbally abusive as well. How much of this are you going to endure before he drives you off the deep end or kills you? This is only going to continue to escalate as he becomes bolder (because he's gotten away with the abuse all this time---what's going to make him stop?).

Please, take your kids and go to the nearest women's shelter ASAP. It's only going to get worse if you don't fight for yourself!!

It's his choice to react. .. I think people are a bit quick here to only imply it's his choice to react... bipolar isn't an excuse for our bad behavior.. such as non stop whining and complaining. ... now please hear me out.. I'm in no way shape or firm trying to condone his behavior in the slightest... even if he's not directly hitting you he may as well.. throwing things at you is basically the same thing in my opinion.... however your the only one that can control yourself...

Don't put up with that!

Don't put up with the physical and emotional abuse!

[QUOTE=loophole;3989861]It's his choice to react. .. I think people are a bit quick here to only imply it's his choice to react... bipolar isn't an excuse for our bad behavior.. such as non stop whining and complaining. ... now please hear me out.. I'm in no way shape or firm trying to condone his behavior in the slightest... even if he's not directly hitting you he may as well.. throwing things at you is basically the same thing in my opinion.... however your the only one that can control yourself...[/

I agree - I always take responsibility for my behavior when I realize I've erred, bipolar or not, and I've admitted to him that I got more upset than I should have. But rationally I know there was also no excuse for him to attack me. I had complained and *****ed off and on for 36 hrs, but it was a pretty monumental and hurtful message he and his sister sent me. I also wasn't yelling or swearing or anything when I told him I felt hurt that night. Now, if I'd *****ed at him about it for a week or more, I can see how a more extreme reaction would be warranted, but deep down I know there's never an excuse for violence. The question is whether our relationship can survive the violent incident and the things he later said to me. :-(

I'd get away and quickly. I know yr afraid of his reaction to this as in trying to take the kids away but the kids will always stay with mom unless the mom is abusing them. He is very abusive to you. Bipolar or not it's not yr fault!!! Please believe me. You simply were upset at the fact that they were going to leave you out of the gift idea. I'd be hurt too. There is no excuse for his behavior at all. Period. He is a ticking time bomb in my opinion. I'd get away as quickly as possible. Good luck and let us know how yr doing.

You don't deserve to be treated like that. It's abuse, and it is not your fault. I agree with what others have said. Find out what your local woman's resources are and ask them to help you. There are safehouses and programs in most areas. If you can't find them on your own a social worker in the ER will have a contact list. You can go in and tell them you are being abused and need help. Be safe.

I would leave and pursue a legal separation. Then your discussion with him can occur on an even footing.

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It doesn't matter if you "provoked him" or not. What he did was wrong. Not to mention he could have hurt your unborn child. I agree with the other person who said he was gaslighting you, making you doubt your own perception. Sounds as if you know, deep down, he was wrong.

Pink Pearl As much as I wish things could be blamed for BP....... I always wake up realizing it was me. BP is part of me and I am accepting that fact. Not always easy.......... huggles you

Can't ever really blame bipolar for anything honestly.... just be happy people reply to you.... I'm about to pick out a username that sounds girly and pose as a girl so I'll get a freaking reply more then (maybe) once a day... this pos world is so superficial I'm sick of it

He terrorized you. You did not deserve it.
He is not healthy. Your marriage is not healthy.
Get into couples therapy with him or start thinking about a future without him.
Stay strong.
I wish you and yours the best.

How are you doing ?

It is abuse and it is not your fault!

This is EXACTLY what is going on. Classic emotional and physical abuse in content and in pattern, topped off with gaslighting. And escalation, yes. The line that gets crossed moves closer to hell every time. It's insidious. A side note to that -- one person gets accused of being "at fault" increasingly till they are blamed for everything, and the other for nothing. Could that be an accurate assessment of reality? Of course not! Get out while you have the sense to see that. Because, as inconceivable as it sounds, by the time it gets to that point, the blamed one actually believes they are always at fault.

Would BP make that all/nothing imbalance of blame any less twisted a perception of reality? NO. Believing your BP might make their reaction more justifiable will only get you to that inconceivable point faster.

You don't want to go there. Even if you could excuse it all away for yourself, is that what you want your kids to grow up with?

(Especially seeing how he attacked you pregnant, it's taking a lot of restraint to not point out worse.)