I need to, I think . . .

. . . slipping back into a "light" depression. I was looking over optimism online and I see a wave effect going on over a few months. The thing is, it is not "major" ups and downs, just enough to make things wrong for me (if that makes sense). In the back of my mind I keep telling myself it is just "normal" behavior, it is just like anyone else to have these smaller fluctuations. I am just wondering if I am trying to convince myself so. I REALLY don't want to call my pdoc. I'm honestly scared my 2 year run is coming to an end. I'm terrified that I am going to slip into the abyss again. I'm afraid of a med change, I want to stay level. When I think about it, I start freaking out. I feel llike maybe I need to call, but then again, what if I am reading to much into it? Ugh, I just want to hide away .

If you're in doubt, get it checked out. It's better to be safe than sorry. It's just as important to maintain you're stability as it was for you to obtain it! Stay on top of things, even when it's going well. Because when you let your guard down too far things can blind side you. I'm not suggesting you worry yourself sick or anything, but if it causes you to question or doubt, a preemptive strike might be in order. Pay attention to your mind/body. Wishing you all the best!

I cycled pretty regularly so once I got stable on meds it was really hard to trust. especially in may when I would have my worst of the worst mania with psychosis. so anytime may would come around I would look at any little sign as certain proof that the mania was coming on again. I just could not trust that I was going to remain stable. I have been crazy to many years to think this is going to last. but the signs come and go with out ever hitting a full blown cycle. im sure it is going to take years to come to trust that the meds are going to keep me stable. take care.

I know exactly what you are describing...I'm back in a deep depression after two years of stability. I wouldn't hesitate to call yr pdoc. My depression landed me in the hospital and now I'm in the iop program. You can get better again and it doesn't have to get really bad. Sometimes our meds need tweaking and things can get straightened out. Take care

So I finally called and left a message, now I have to wait for them to return my call. So much anxiety welling up inside along with depression knowing I needed to make this step. I don't want to accept the fact I might need a med tweaking. Sitting here pretty much freaking and I have no-one to talk to and no way to occupy myself (not any that will hold my interest right now). Things I can and need to be doing are just another task that I am I not up to tackling. I feel like my mind is in such an oblivion. If I don't acknowledge the change it can't be for real. I see all the warning signs but I just try and turn a blind eye. Ugh, I can't do this

Hang in there vjdragonfly...your md should call back soon...we all know the fear when you feel like your moods are controling you, not you controling them..and the meds were working and now not...had to call my psy md 4wks ago, tweaked meds, have anxiety med added...am feeling better/did not lose it . Hopefully your md will call back soon...you are not alone, we all know that feeling...can you play cards? Games online? Watch tv? Sometimes I just count from 1-100 and back but I breath I n counting 1, 2, 3, 4 then out counting 5, 6, 7, 8to try to calm myself. Hugs...hugs

I so hope you can get this worked out. And you don't have to go through this alone. I know its only online but we are all here for you.

Thanks, pdoc upped my lamictal and I am leveling back out now. Whew

It's so good to hear that that helped and you are feeling better now, vj!

The situation you had going on is very relatable for me currently. Mostly smaller waves (though with spikes of extremes) that I'm trying to convince myself are normal, but knowing deep down that they aren't. (There is one major clue for starters that gnaws. Plus a few times of considering hospital or right away appointment, only to be pretty ok later. That's not my usual and I don't want to make a fuss, so am kind of writing it off. I want so badly to not go into an episode that I'm determined to convince that cannot be that. Like you say, trying to turn a blind eye.)

So, thanks for sharing. It might just be the thing that gets me to make an appointment.