[wachiki92]

This past month I've lost 6 people. 3 of those people died. they were a friend, my tdoc, and my mother. And the one person I had to talk to about this is one of those who died. My sister and i had to make the choice of whether or not to pull the plug if her heart stopped. we told the doctor not to resuscitate. Of course it's hard because she was our mother. We loved her even through the hell she put her through. deep inside she was a good person. she was bipolar as well. Our sister was murdered 7 years ago as well and our aunt died a year after that. The other 3 people just decided to leave because they were tired of my mood swings and outbursts. this has gone on my whole life. either people leve me or God takes them away from me. I just dont know how much longer i can live like this if this is how it will continue to be like. I've begun drinking even more and taking even more klonopin and xanax as well as hydros. Im even drinking at work. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope...

[Standup2me]

Do you have a therapist?
Call him/her
Do you go to church?
Talk to your pastor

Please do not drink. You are too valuable to the world
to destroy yourself

[wachiki92]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Do you have a therapist?
Call him/her
Do you go to church?
Talk to your pastor

Please do not drink. You are too valuable to the world
to destroy yourself

My therapist is one of the people who died. he was the only one who understood me because he had known me since I was a child. I have no insurance and he was giving me a huge discount due to our relationship. and I don't currently go to church. I've been drinking the last couple years and have tried to stop a few times but obviously failed at it.

[bipolar angel]

Wachiki92, I'm soo sorry that you've had so much loss. Can you look into something like Catholic charities-for a therapist, it does not matter whether you practice any religion at all-they offer counseling-usually with sliding scale/discount.can you look here on pc, I think on home page ,can list of national mental health orgs-can prob also help you find discounted t or pdoc. Just a suggestion. Hang in there, can you/have you tried any aa groups to help with the drinking.also here on pc I believe there is aa forum/group.again...just some ideas...
Please don't give up, there are people here to listen...when you need a shoulder.

[buzz bee]

I can understand being depressed, thats a lot. I wish I had a word to the wise, but I dont. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Disorder7]

I'm married, but without kids. Everyone in my family is dead. Those who are alive are no longer in my life and I wouldn't know how to contact them if I wanted.

I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to live. Of being overwhelmed. But just take it an hour at a time. At some point, something will happen and make you laugh again. Then at some point, you'll catch yourself actually having a good time. Then you'll start making plans and looking forward to things again.

You may never completely heal. You won't ever completely forget.
But you will heal and be stronger than you are now.

Alcohol is the last thing you need. I am not saying this to be judgmental, but to be honest. I know a lot of us bipolars self-medicate.

How about AA or something of that nature? Have you tried it?

[wachiki92]

No I've never tried aa. I think id be too embarrassed and shy. I keep going from ok I'm starting to feel better and happy back to upset and crying

[Curious651]

Having seen many ppl that start to drink and use to self medicate and then not be able to stop, I suggest trying local council on drug abuse. There is monies to help with tx. If you can work on the drinking and the depression thing could get better. I can assure you of one thing though, keep using it not going to get better. I AM So SORRY to sound like a jerk, I have seen it many times. I recently lost two ppl to their depression and dring or drugs. One (accidentally killed sell), other pretty much blatant. This makes me sad and now very depressed as well. Sorry have to go.

Originally Posted by wachiki92

This past month I've lost 6 people... I just dont know how much longer i can live like this if this is how it will continue to be like...

That is a lot to go through…especially in such a short timeframe! (One year, I lost 3 people to death in the space of 9 months and thought that was rough-- I can scarcely imagine your experience. And given the intensity of that, the other sentence a pretty understandable reaction. BUT. If you look at it through logic, you can see that it is catastrophizing, and a prime candidate for using CBT on -- that is, taking a thought and putting it up against a reality check and logic. The chance of such a tumultuous month happening again, (let alone continuing(!)) is EXTREMELY unlikely. Like extremely extremely. Therefore not a good or useful thing to base your thinking on, right?

Originally Posted by wachiki92

...I keep going from ok I'm starting to feel better and happy back to upset and crying

This is universal in grieving. One of the phases in going through grief. But it is simply a part of the process. The process that brings you through it. (Like already mentioned, please don't try to drink your way through it. That won't work and will only make it worse and longer, which is counter-productive to the goal --getting through to where things are more normal again.) One of the things to remember about this phase of grieving is that the balance starts to shift --with more of the better times and less of the bad times. So be gentle with yourself. It takes time. Meanwhile, MM's idea is good. Help is out there. And though it may take time to find someone who is versed in BP, there are a lot out there who deal with grief issues. Even just starting with that part would be helpful. You don't have to wait till you find someone or some place that can handle it all.

[Mountainbard]

wachiki I really feel for you. I lost my mom and my younger brother last year. Grieving is hard enough without having to deal with mental health issues or substance abuse.

When you're ready you'll get help for your substance issues. I hope and pray that is soon. I'm glad you reached out here; now I hope you can reach out in real life.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.