[Manic Trance]

Hello everyone!

Thank you for reading!

So as I have been writing, I am coming down off a long hypomanic lift off that began when my wife and daughter went to Mexico a month ago. I had been doing pretty good, and then BOOM! The bottom went out when they left, probably cuz I lost all of my structure which is a HUGE trigger for me.

Anyhow...

During that time I entertained some pretty unacceptable dynamics between myself and other women. Not actually cheating, but allowing vibes to go too far, situations I should really RUN from, letting them evolve to see what would happen, without actually crossing a line. I knew I was hypo manic when this was all happening, I didn't want to stop it, and I was entertaining some crazy ideas about ending my marriage and all sorts of things. So I am feeling better, so that is abating, but GEEZ!

The problem is that I don't feel supported in my relationship. This does not justify any degree of unfaithfulness, and to my credit I did not cross any lines in the sand, but I was def playing with fire, and while of course I can just NOT do that, I also know that it's coming not just from a place of desire, sexual mania, or what have you, but also from feeling unloved, unseen, and not appreciated in my marriage.

My wife HATES that I am bipolar. She feels totally put upon and resents having ended up with someone like me. When I am spaced out, forgetful, irritable, she is totally intolerant. It does not help to frame things in terms of my condition, and when I am depressed, she doesn't cut me a break at all. If I tell her I am struggling, that I am at the low end of a cycle, that things are hard for me, she's like 'ok' but then nothing changes, she's just not down to let me try and take some space and level out, it's kind of like 'well, sucks to be you' and we move on. Additionally, she will not support me taking medication. I address bipolar II through diet, exercise, mediation, sleep schedule and cbt. Originally when I was diagnosed I wanted to take medication, but she wouldn't support it and I was afraid of doing it without support. I have to say, I do have a great nutritionist and it actually works when I do it, but at any rate, it's another way in which I feel unsupported.

I am not getting what I need emotionally. I always thought cheating was about sex, but in my case, it's just nice when there is someone who likes me, and who is happy to see me, and looks at me in a way that makes me feel cared for and admired. By the same token, I don't want to destroy my marriage and not be able to live with my daughter, etc... I don't know what to do!

Anyone have any ideas?
MT

[pawn78]

I am in the exact same situation. ALmost EXACTLY as you decribe with feeling unloved and unappreciated, the wife hating the bipolar, etc.
My wife and kids left the country for 4 weeks. I DID cheat, and it was super fun. I also fell in love with the chick. My wife and I are getting divorced now. SHe doesn;t even know I cheated, I just exploded on her because when she came home she was verbbally abusive to me, and compared to the new woman, she seemed awful. Divorce sucks, I tried to get her back, but it is too late. Oh well, no regrets, WHY STAY IN A MARRIAGE WITH NO LOVE??? Find someone else, or just go have fun dating.
Just kidding, do whatever you want. I just accepted that my marriage was crap, and I am flirting and dating girls already. It is fun.

The part aboutt eh kid sucks. I don't get to see my kids much now. But I still see them and it is cool. THE ONLY REASON I tried to get my wife back, was because of the kids. Everyone including my therapist, says DON'T stay in a loveless marriage for the children...big mistake.

[happywoman]

Have you ever tried couple therapy or are the relationship issues past that intervention?

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by happywoman

Have you ever tried couple therapy or are the relationship issues past that intervention?

Yes. We did. The thing is we went to my therapist at the time. My therapist I thought was pretty fair, but did at times try to steer the conversation in directions that were constructively critical of my wife and said some things that my wife resented, and that has become this thing that comes up any time we talk about therapy now. Ugh... It is also a hard time for us financially for therapy, but we could make it work really... Maybe I should push us to go back to therapy, she'd go if I really pushed...

Has that worked for you?

[unplugmealready]

I have had the same thoughts/issues. Personally I can't advise as I am in a very similar situation. I actually stay with her more because of my child but I try to make my marriage work. It never gets better and I remain in this state until I explode and then complain about us as a couple. She tells me she is tired. I say "but not too tired to go out for 5 hours last friday" etc etc. All I ask for is to be loved and to feel loved and I don't. But I do feel your pain. You are not alone and I hope things do work out for the best for you. Me Personally... I am slowly just accepting it. This is just what marriage is.

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by unplugmealready

I have had the same thoughts/issues. Personally I can't advise as I am in a very similar situation. I actually stay with her more because of my child but I try to make my marriage work. It never gets better and I remain in this state until I explode and then complain about us as a couple. She tells me she is tired. I say "but not too tired to go out for 5 hours last friday" etc etc. All I ask for is to be loved and to feel loved and I don't. But I do feel your pain. You are not alone and I hope things do work out for the best for you. Me Personally... I am slowly just accepting it. This is just what marriage is.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the best I can hope for as a bipolar person, cuz, legitimately, I do get up to some pretty difficult things. Like I WAY over plan and I am kind of a workaholic, and it's hard to get my attention, periodically you can't get a word in edgewise, periodically I am so depressed that I can't get up, or I'll do things like punch myself in the face, and none of this is easy to live with, so maybe being tolerated is the best I can hope for?

I know from reading the forum that a lot of people will tell me to hope for a lot more, and that is great, but what about my kid? I can't leave her here!

A conundrum no doubt...

Anyhow just talking about it is good...

[unplugmealready]

Originally Posted by Manic Trance

Sometimes I wonder if it's the best I can hope for as a bipolar person, cuz, legitimately, I do get up to some pretty difficult things. Like I WAY over plan and I am kind of a workaholic, and it's hard to get my attention, periodically you can't get a word in edgewise, periodically I am so depressed that I can't get up, or I'll do things like punch myself in the face, and none of this is easy to live with, so maybe being tolerated is the best I can hope for?

I know from reading the forum that a lot of people will tell me to hope for a lot more, and that is great, but what about my kid? I can't leave her here!

A conundrum no doubt...

Anyhow just talking about it is good...

I am with you on this. I would give my life for my boy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and last time I tried to leave my marriage she tried to stop me seeing him. It broke my heart. I have thought of all the possibilities and scenarios where I could be without her but a single parent but even then, I couldn't take him away from her. She is his mother and deserves to be around him just as much as me. So the only options I feel I have is to stay with her and be miserable or end my life. But then that would be unfair to my son to not see his dad ever again.

[pawn78]

I have my kids every weekend, and sometimes during the week. You have CUSTODY RIGHTS. DO NOT stay in a marriage only because of the kid!!! It is not good for the kids to grow up witnessing a horrible, loveless marriage. They can still have a dad after divorce, my kids enjoy me now more than ever, because they spend time with me WITHOUT mom around.

[Manic Trance]

Hmmm... Definitely food for thought. Thanks pawn 78! I love my wife and I am not ready to break away yet, I will try therapy as happywoman suggests, but it is interesting to hear from people who have been through this.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by unplugmealready

So the only options I feel I have is to stay with her and be miserable or end my life. But then that would be unfair to my son to not see his dad ever again.

You are being irrational and overly dramatic. Those are NOT your only choices. You can have joint custody. You see the kid and so does she. LOTS of people do it. Just because you divorce doesn;t mean only one parent gets to see the kid. Unless one of you is abusing the kid... ANyway, MOST divorces end up having joint custody. It is normal.

[unplugmealready]

You are right pawn78. Manic, I can only show sympathy as any advice I try to give would be useless. But yeah. A loveless marriage is not the way to go. I just wish mine would get better (which it never does) or that one day I find the strength to break away... before its too late

[happywoman]

Originally Posted by Manic Trance

Yes. We did. The thing is we went to my therapist at the time. My therapist I thought was pretty fair, but did at times try to steer the conversation in directions that were constructively critical of my wife and said some things that my wife resented, and that has become this thing that comes up any time we talk about therapy now. Ugh... It is also a hard time for us financially for therapy, but we could make it work really... Maybe I should push us to go back to therapy, she'd go if I really pushed...

Has that worked for you?

We have been married 20 years and have had several difficult times. I think separating would have been the best for us and our son sometimes but we have always weathered the storms and I hope we have not caused to much suffering for our son. My husband has said the reason he has never left is because he wants to be living with his son. When my husband came to see my counsellor. It did not work. I have found it is always best to start from the same place. The couple therapy / family therapy has only been helpful when the therapist is neutral. Financially it is difficult. I have also been afraid of not be able to care for my son when I am sick or losing custody because of illness.

[Victoria'smom]

Marriage is difficult. Are you making alone time, date night and pretending your dating? Please go to a neutral couples therapist and have her look into her own therapist. As for your treatment you need to do what's right for you. Unfortunately there are people that marry for potential and a DC ruins the ability to fix the relationship.

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Marriage is difficult. Are you making alone time, date night and pretending your dating? Please go to a neutral couples therapist and have her look into her own therapist. As for your treatment you need to do what's right for you. Unfortunately there are people that marry for potential and a DC ruins the ability to fix the relationship.

Thank you everyone for your responses! It seems that this is something that everyone struggles with, and I know that people without BP struggle with it as well. For now I am going to hang in the game. Actually just had a pretty nice morning with my wife. Going out of town for the weekend, hopefully it will be nice. We will see!

Regardless, very happy to have all of you to bounce things off of!

And I am feeling pretty level now, sleeping again, less drinking, etc...

Hang in all!
Soon...
MT

[catman1975]

I didn't get diagnosed with bipolar until within days of my wife filing divorce on me. Don't know if her knowing would have allowed things to work out or just ended them sooner. In any event, I went through a very difficult time with the divorce. But I'm happier now from a relationship standpoint. I don't feel stuck with somebody who doesn't understand or care about me. I still see my kids regularly. I'd have to agree with some of the others that you're better off to break free before it gets ugly.