[Curiosity77]

I stayed in bed all day, and skipped my friend's 30th birthday party. Then I was going to take some mushrooms and stay up all night at home and see what happens. I had them in my hand, thinking it over. It would have worked, now that I'm off my saphris. So I considered, and considered, and decided against it. Decided it wasn't worth the risk... But I'm still considering. It's 11:20 now, I could still do it and it would be gone by tomorrow. But what if I have a bad reaction, or what if I get caught by the mental health monitors for work? My monitoring included med compliance, which I am not doing, and no drugs or alcohol with random drug screens, which I am doing. They can't test for mushrooms, but these ones are in chocolate, and what if there is something else in them? I am going on a trip to New York in a month, and I shouldn't do anything to jeopardize myself before the trip. But I feel like a mushrooms trip might enlighten me or help me figure some things out. But it also could destabilize me, especially being off meds. I know that everybody here will think this is a no brainer and a crazy thing to do, and I will get a feedback to not even consider this again. But I'm still considering it now... I am so bored. Hmmm... I probably shouldn't post this, but I feel like doing something irresponsible, and posting about it is safer than taking drugs. So, what to do? I probably won't do it, not tonight anyway. Self sabotage? Search for meaning? Not too sure. I feel compelled. I connects to some thoughts I have about a trip many years ago that caused psychosis. Like maybe if I do it again I can fix something inside myself that I lost that night... or maybe psychosis again. I should probably just watch some netflix and chill. It's too late to go to the party and that just seems like so much effort. I think I'm going to be up all night.

[pawn78]

Mushrooms are over-rated. I have ****ed around with plenty of psychedelics. It was fun, but the bad trips were worse than HELL. I'd not do them unless you are 100% SURE you want to, and ONLY with the right person to guide you.
If I ever try psychedelics again, it will be with the right person, and the right time.

[Hellion]

If you have to think this much about it, you probably should take them. At least that is what I usually go by when it comes to such things...if I have enough doubt to stress about it I don't do it, but would be lying if I said I was opposed to psychedelics. It is important to be safe and in a comfortable setting if one so chooses however though...

I also do not have bi-polar and don't know how that effects the experience or not, but good rule of thumb with psychedelics is if you're thinking of reasons why not to, then probably means you're not in the right place in my opinion(which makes a bad trip more likely and those aren't fun obviously) regardless of specific diagnoses or lack of diagnoses.

[Curiosity77]

Yeah, I know these things, I have done them before. I"m just feeling a little self destructive, and I have them on hand, so... Anyways, it's getting late and I haven't done them yet, so I probably won't. Just in a weird mood tonight is all.

[Curiosity77]

well, I just took them, so here goes...

[Crazy Hitch]

I felt like a bong the otter night. Didn't take it. Sorry you've taken those shrooms!

[Curiosity77]

dWell, I risked everything, and now they wearing off, and I feel pretty empty. I thought they would make things seem full. My expierience was mixed. I felt good and had dbeautiful visions with my eyes closed for parts of it. But it also made me think a lot, and question some of my recent decisions. Which made me feel sad. I don't know what I'm doing in my search for meaning, and my search to make sense of so many things that have happened, when really a lot of it will never make sense. It made me realize that I have lived a pretty difficult life. I have a lot of good things in my life now, but it's tenuous, one bad move and it could all disappear. If I get caught with what I did tonight it could all disappear. So why am I taking these kinds of risks?? I really don't know. And am I heading into depression? Maybe, but I;m not sure. And should I go back on the meds that I stopped? I really don't want to... but the question is do I need to? I don't want to blame my decision tonight on being off meds. I don't really regret what I did tonight, but I think it would be a bad idea to do it again any time soon. What is wrong with me?? Feeling so confused. I was hoping this would make me feel free. I just took half a saphris to hopefully be able to sleep, because it's 4:30. Anyways, I don't know why I"m writing any feel like I'm taking up too much space by looking for support here, especially when I'm being self destructive. Searching for something...

[pawn78]

Thta is one major problem with psychedelics... the crash after the high. I would usually feel kind of "bleh" and bad after a trip. The contrast I think between being high and then sober is very sharp. This depression phase will wear off after a few days.

[tipper1492]

I'm 64 years old, and stopped pot, alcohol, and cigs two or three years ago. When I was age 20+, did mushrooms once, and speed or acid maybe three times. I personally believe you are screwing up big time, and you might fall deeper into it. I can hear you dwelling on it all, and like a devil has its nails in your flesh. You stopped your medicines? WHY? And these recreational drugs can mess up what you medications are intended for, and who knows what is actually happening to your brain. Then your job? Keep tossing the dice, and I believe you will fall into darkness over something you knew was not a good idea. You are going after that short time high, and risking long term sorrow.

[catman1975]

Never messed around with shrooms. Took some stuff called salvia once I got at a shop in California and it made the highway turn upside down while I was driving. Not cool.

[~Christina]

Ah your walking on that thin line.. Try to not step off it since you are being monitored... Just becareful. Do some self awareness and think with Logic

[Disorder7]

Risky, impulsive behavior..... Please be careful. It can get away from you quickly.

[Trippin2.0]

Time to rein this in Curiosity, you're wandering way too close to the edge.


I get why you stopped that med, but shrooms weren't part of the plan and don't offer any potential assistance for the path you've chosen.


Please stay safe, sane and safe.

[Tucson]

Hypomania? A moth flying too close to the flame that attracts it. Please take better care of yourself. I am concerned.

May I ask how old you are?
I have bipolar 1 and have taken mushrooms a few times with no bad effects other than insomnia. I was on my meds however.

You have to be in a good mood and be in a safe place with safe people. Even then it can be risky if you are feeling unstable.

[Curiosity77]

I'm not young, I'm 37. I did a lot of psychadelics in my teens, but it has been a while. I couldn't trip before because of my meds blocking the effects. I did mushrooms at Burning Man last month, and then on Saturday. I have a very complicated relationship with psychadelic drugs. It's a very long story. But I am feeling OK today. Saturday was kind of bad judgement of doing them out of boredom, but I don't think they are necessarily bad for me. I am just conscious of risk, because i am off most of my meds right now. But generally I feel pretty good.

[BipolaRNurse]

Going off your meds and then getting back into psychedelics were two really, really bad decisions. You are SO close to being done with your monitoring program, and yet you're willing to risk your entire career for a few brief moments of communing with nature.....it doesn't make any sense.

Are you still taking care of patients while doing all of this? If ANYONE were to get wind of it, your career is done. Over. Finished. Is that what you want?

Sorry if I'm being harsh but I just don't like to see people I care about throw their lives away chasing after a "high" that won't last. I hope you don't lose everything you've worked so hard for. I'm worried about you.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Going off your meds and then getting back into psychedelics were two really, really bad decisions. You are SO close to being done with your monitoring program, and yet you're willing to risk your entire career for a few brief moments of communing with nature.....it doesn't make any sense.

Are you still taking care of patients while doing all of this? If ANYONE were to get wind of it, your career is done. Over. Finished. Is that what you want?

Sorry if I'm being harsh but I just don't like to see people I care about throw their lives away chasing after a "high" that won't last. I hope you don't lose everything you've worked so hard for. I'm worried about you.

Yeah, I know none of this is recommended - but I finally feel like myself again after 3 years of depression and flattened emotions. People are telling me that my affect looks much brighter, and I look happier, and I feel like I am thinking more clearly and quickly and more focused. I'm going to lay off the psychadelics now. That is unnecessary risk for sure, but like I said, my relationship with those drugs is a complicated and convoluted one. I have some unfinished business with altered states and I will not be able to put it behind me until I work through it. It's been weighing on me since I was a teenager, and keeps resurfacing in different ways. I can't easily explain it, but it is critical that I figure this out if I am ever going to beat depression.

I am looking after patients, but I was on vacation at Burning Man, and I had a few days off this weekend, so I wasn't around any patients. My ability to care for patients is not impaired, in some ways it's actually better. I know I am being generally noncompliant, but it feels really right, and I could not go on with things the way they were, not for another winter, I couldn't stand it. I don't want to trash my career though, so I'm going to tone it down.

Someone in this thread said it's like I am a moth to a flame, and that is absolutely true. I don't know why, but I've always been this way. If I can figure this out I will really be OK, and I think I can do it if I have trust in my own experiences, and not just follow the rules out of fear. There is only one go at life, and I don't want to waste mine. It's not a high I am chasing, it's answers to existential and spiritual questions. I'm not quite sure, but some kind of truth and pattern.

Plus I took a Saphris last week because I had ongoing insomnia and I wanted to sleep. I wasn't used to it anymore, and it totally snowed me. I was stuck in a semiconscious state, with terrible akithesia, but too snowed to move my limbs around voluntarily to deal with it. So I just lay there for I don't know how long, and it was absolutely terrible. I have no idea how I took that drug everyday and functioned, it is SO strong! No wonder I felt like I wasn't as smart as I used to be. It's like trying to think through mud. I think it helped me for a while when things were really intense, but in recent months it was really bad for me. I'm not anti-med, but I am anti-overmedication. I need to stay sharp.

Also, you are right that nobody can find out about this. I have told a couple people, a psych nurse friend and a psych social worker friend, which is mainly to have objective people to talk to and make sure I seem Ok. So far they both say I seem a lot better. I am careful to keep things quiet though. Posting here is helpful because it is anonymous. But saying that, your post has made me nervous that I shouldn't post about noncompliance here in case it somehow gets traced back to me. I need to think about that, but I might stay quiet on here now after this post, just in case. I hate having to live a double life. It's awful. Do you think it's dangerous for me to post about this here? Should I erase the posts?

[Sinking Feeling]

I use to be able to do drugs like that when I was in my 20's lol. LSD, shrooms, opium. Don't know what happened but eventually it got bad, never any good trips, all bad. I can't even smoke pot any more, makes me schizo. So all I do is alcohol once in a while and never a lot.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I'm not young, I'm 37. I did a lot of psychadelics in my teens, but it has been a while. I couldn't trip before because of my meds blocking the effects. I did mushrooms at Burning Man last month, and then on Saturday. I have a very complicated relationship with psychadelic drugs. It's a very long story. But I am feeling OK today. Saturday was kind of bad judgement of doing them out of boredom, but I don't think they are necessarily bad for me. I am just conscious of risk, because i am off most of my meds right now. But generally I feel pretty good.

I wouldn't classify psychedelics as fun drugs. They can be used as tool for self-exploiting, but you never should do it alone and when not prepared. That can take you to places too handle.

I am not gonna lecture you on "onoooz, why you don't take these drugs but take another drugs", becauce my classification of drugs into good and bad doesn't follow the FDA lines.

BUT... this stuff can mess with your mind. They say it enables you to see yourself for what you are and how others see you............. and I am not entirely sure if it is a good thing. It can unlock gates of your conscious.... which is thing one can afford only when they have somebody to guide them through it and enough time to pick up from the experience. I am not talking about some drug screening... but eventhough that can screw you up.... but one needs time to come down from such experience often... and to sort out that trip.

I don't think you are chasing "high". I get what you are looking for, but there are other ways to explore that. Ever tried holotrophic breathing?

[gubernova]

When I was manic, I did drugs but never any psychedelics. I don't want to lose touch with reality. I did lots of weed but a couple of times it crossed badly with some of the "prescription" drugs I was taking. I started shaking uncontrollably and it took a week to be normal. I only smoke a cigarette now and then when I'm feeling down.

[Disorder7]

I can understand not wanting to be medicated. Especially over-medicated.

But in your first post you said you were going to New York next month and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize the trip. Then....bam...you did it anyway. Textbook bipolar behavior.

If you don't want to take meds, then I think you should find some other means of dealing with impulsivity. I don't know if there are workbooks on the subject, or what.

You might be able to live med-free, but you've got to control the risky impulses. That's how we find ourselves in trouble and wonder how we got there. But you already know this. You just have to do it.

[Victoria'smom]

Curiosity77,

I feel that you may have to numb out for a bit to get everything stable before seeing pdoc. Pdoc will notice if you're not controlled enough. Even if you're fine if pdoc thinks you're not then she over rules, you get hospitalized, you're license pulled and your stuck. You have 8 months. Just keep yourself safe.

[Tucson]

Keep yourself safe. We are here to help.