[wildflowerchild25]

I started the Wellbutrin about two weeks ago and so far nothing. No break in the depression. In fact it's gotten worse if anything. Now the suicidal thoughts are slowly seeping in...what if...what if? Though I never could. I am currently laying in bed and have been since 9:30am. I called out of work for the third time in a month, knowing that I will be reprimanded but not being able to get myself together enough to face it. I took my son to preschool to keep his routine intact and then I went out shopping, waiting for my mom to leave for work so I don't have to explain why I'm not going. I know she would see through any lie I could cook up and I don't have the energy to assuage her concerns. Which at this point are perfectly valid.

Had a long talk with my husband last night. I love him dearly and I think he is right. He told me I need to pull myself out of this. That I'm not doing enough to try to get out myself. He said I need to try harder to get out of this on my own. Maybe he is right. I think I'm keeping myself down so I can get my way. I want to be put on medical leave from work. That or I want to drop the class I'm taking. Doing both is too overwhelming. I guarantee that's what is causing this depression to linger and ebb and flow. I'm not trying hard enough to get out of this depression on my own. I don't think anything else is going to help me.

I have a pdoc appointment tonight but I'm not sure what else can be done. If I could financially afford it I would take time off work and get ECT again. It worked so well last time. But it came at a terrible cost to my memory. I don't know if I could work after ECT. I have to be able to work.

I just hate the pain. My chest is crushing me. I feel so useless. My husband said he misses who I used to be even though he still loves me now. I miss who I used to be too.

How can I climb out of this hole myself? Medication isn't working so I must do it alone. How can I do that? Give me suggestions please. I can't live like this but I can't kill myself. Help me. I've forgotten any coping skills I used to have because I'm just so tired.

[Disorder7]

There's a med for that. Don't give up just because you're having trouble finding the right one.
Maybe medical leave would help you a lot. Being under a lot of stress can't be helping.

Pull yourself out if it? Hmmmm....if there's a way to pull yourself out of bipolar 1, do share, because it will save all of us a lot of money and time that we are currently using on pdocs, therapists, and meds.

That sounded sarcastic. Sorry. But people never tell diabetics or others like that to "pull themselves out it", yet they so willingly say it to us. It gets aggravating.

Really, all I wanted to say was don't give up.

[littlemiss1970]

Im so sorry yr struggling so much right now...I would get into a dbt group. It did wonders for me. Not sure if you've heard of it. It stands for dialectical behavior therapy. There is no easy way out of this. Therapy and mindfulness can surely help but you need to get on the right med combo...what yr on isn't doing the job. You can't expect yrself to be able to pull out of this. Please don't be so hard on yrself. I don't agree with yr husband at all...sorry for that. Take good care of yrself and relax. You deserve it

[TheatreKid]

I agree that therapy can help, but DBT didn't work for me at all. I find CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to be much more helpful, especially since I also have a comorbid anxiety disorder.

Don't give up. Try new meds, and routine, and exercise, and food choices, and therapy, and socializing. Try as many as you can. Sometimes you have to come at it from multiple angles. That does NOT mean you have to "pull yourself out of it", not at all. Just that you need to try something else. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll get there.

[Lomika]

Originally Posted by Disorder7

There's a med for that. Don't give up just because you're having trouble finding the right one.
Maybe medical leave would help you a lot. Being under a lot of stress can't be helping.

Pull yourself out if it? Hmmmm....if there's a way to pull yourself out of bipolar 1, do share, because it will save all of us a lot of money and time that we are currently using on pdocs, therapists, and meds.

That sounded sarcastic. Sorry. But people never tell diabetics or others like that to "pull themselves out it", yet they so willingly say it to us. It gets aggravating.

Really, all I wanted to say was don't give up.

You are so right. Unfortunately people who don't have this, cannot even imagine what it's like to feel this way. I would love to give everyone just 1 hour of "real" depression, so they could feel what it is.....

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe your husband's word choice was poor, but I too can appreciate the message he was hopefully trying to convey...


No we can't pull ourselves out, but we can try to fight tooth and nail from every angle, as mentioned above.


I was struggling with a depressive episode for about 3 months and I really believe that the only reason it didn't get as bad as it threatened to is because I kept fighting it.


I socialized on days I wanted nothing more than to watch the world burn, it was god-awful but it helped keep me out of my own head for a few hours at a time.


I had an appointed "General" who I'd report to, she'd "make me" bath, wash my hair, clean my room, walk to the park or sit in the sun for a set amount of time and I had to send pics as proof.

It helped having someone to answer to, and she knows this about me and that's why she spent time ordering me around...

Wasn't easy, especially since she's my baby sister, but once I make a commitment I stick to it, so our little agreement helped me immensely...

Upping my session time in therapy also benefited me.

So while I didn't pull myself out of it, nor could I, knowing that I was actively fighting it helped in its own way. And because I was fighting it, I didn't give it enough time to fester like it would've, had I not practiced so many opposite actions and just did what I felt like doing.


Which would have been rotting away in my dark bedroom.

Even my T and closest loved ones commented on how differently I was handling it, and how much better I was coping this time around...

That validation was also some much welcomed positive reinforcement..

So it definitely did make a noticeable difference to actively decide to not just take it lying down... Literally.


I'm sorry you've been hurting so much, I really hope that the sun shines on you soon.


((((((((((Wildflower))))))))))

[wildflowerchild25]

I did not find DBT helpful when I did it last summer. It just seemed to exacerbate things, though I was not on the right meds at the time either.

Yes, trippin, that is what my husband meant. Not pull myself out of it per se but fight back. I did not do that today. I laid in bed from 9:30 to 3:30. Not sure if it was what I needed or not. I don't feel much better. The problem is I'm so tired I just don't want to fight it. Didn't you get tired of your every day life being a battle?

I know that's just me feeling sorry for myself. I have to do better than what I've been doing. I can't suffer like this anymore. Fighting is what I must do. I did take my son to the park when I picked him up from preschool. It was only for a half hour but I made sure I did it. I thought I can at least go to the park. I can at least do that.

And I did it.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement everyone. I need them. I feel so hopeless right now. I need to know all is not lost. I need to gather up the energy to fight.

[Lomika]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I did not find DBT helpful when I did it last summer. It just seemed to exacerbate things, though I was not on the right meds at the time either.

Yes, trippin, that is what my husband meant. Not pull myself out of it per se but fight back. I did not do that today. I laid in bed from 9:30 to 3:30. Not sure if it was what I needed or not. I don't feel much better. The problem is I'm so tired I just don't want to fight it. Didn't you get tired of your every day life being a battle?

I know that's just me feeling sorry for myself. I have to do better than what I've been doing. I can't suffer like this anymore. Fighting is what I must do. I did take my son to the park when I picked him up from preschool. It was only for a half hour but I made sure I did it. I thought I can at least go to the park. I can at least do that.

And I did it.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement everyone. I need them. I feel so hopeless right now. I need to know all is not lost. I need to gather up the energy to fight.

I understand you completely, as I feel the same way and the worst part is that I don't really have a support net to fall back on. You have a husband and family and that's good and helpful, in my opinion. I also have serious financial problems, trying to get back to work from disability, and other issues that greatly contribute to my depression. BUT all is not lost. That's what we need to remind ourselves of. Just because we feel this way right now, doesn't mean that it will be like this forever. It's very hard and it is a constant struggle and very tiring...I know.

It was a very good thing that you took your son to the park, despite feeling so badly. Little things like this can make us feel like we did accomplish something today.

[Trippin2.0]

It was extremely exhausting, but I did remember to pace myself too, self-care comes in many forms.



Lucky for me, I have friends who live in the same road as me, people I've known my whole life, so hanging out with them wasn't too excruciating because I could lounge around if I wanted, chill in the sun if it was more comfortable, or cover myself with a blanket if I felt like it.


But yes, even that got too much at times and I would bail after an hour or so, but I did keep trying, even though it was a tiresome battle...


Afterward I would reward myself for my efforts... Rewards are individual so just choose whatever works for you, as long as its not a destructive reward, its all good!👍


And on the days you KNOW you just absolutely can't, its ok to take a timeout and just be, kind of like a cheat day on a diet... No reason to feel guilty about having a rest day! We all need a break, and who better to give it to us than ourselves.


And I agree that the park was realllly good of you! So pat yourself on the back, or better yet, reward yourself with a nice slice of chocolate cake, or whatever tickles your fancy!


You deserve it!😊

[Hottiedepressed]

ECT should work again and rapidly! Also, you could ask your pdoc about adding Lexapro or Cymbalta with Wellbutrin since they both start to work in a week.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yes but I can't do ECT again because I can't take the time off work. And I definitely can't work while getting treatments.

My pdoc upped the Wellbutrin to 450mg so we'll see how that goes. Today I'm trying to be positive and not sink in to the despair. It's a struggle. It's back to school night so I have a long day ahead of me. I'm taking it class by class because if I think of the whole thing I get overwhelmed. I just hope I can muster up some cheerfulness for the parents that come tonight.