[tailie angel]

Sunday I tried to overdose with some old meds and my husband rushed me to the hospital. They detained me until last night. Because when they asked if I was still suicidal I said no. I lied to get out of there. That place was making it worse.

And one of the doctors told me I'm doing someyhing wrong. I shouldn't be having these thoughts after a year of meds and therapy. Is he right? Am I doing something wrong? My counceling place called and said my councilor wants me to see soneone else that would be able to see me more often. I hung up because I was upset. Idk what to do I can't go through another councilor switch.

The biggest problem is I still want to die. I want to leave this illness and all its destructive problems behind. I want my husband to find a better wife that will cook and clean for him everyday and always be happy with him. A mom for my son that won't get so overwhelmed and cry in front of him so often. And I want to leave my thoughts forever. The voices. The visions. The hallucinations. The harm I cause everyone.

I feel like they are all punishing me by wanting me to stay. I want them to just let go. And everyone that cares is all that is keeping me tethered to this world.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Your son needs you. Will ALWAYS need you. No matter what! No on can replace you

[Love&Toil]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much and are in so much pain. You are needed in your life, don't believe the lies that you are not!

You are not doing anything wrong. It does sound like your meds need some re-evaluation. And the way your counselor handled a referral to someone else is really insensitive. It's the last thing you need. The part about needing to see someone more often is probably a good idea, but the way that was handled was wrong wrong wrong.

Do you have it in you to see your pdoc and ask to revisit the medications you're taking? And when you can get some air in you, can you follow up about seeing that other therapist who can see you more regularly?

There is a way out of this. Hang in there.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by tailie angel

Sunday I tried to overdose with some old meds and my husband rushed me to the hospital. They detained me until last night. Because when they asked if I was still suicidal I said no. I lied to get out of there. That place was making it worse.

And one of the doctors told me I'm doing someyhing wrong. I shouldn't be having these thoughts after a year of meds and therapy. Is he right? Am I doing something wrong? My counceling place called and said my councilor wants me to see soneone else that would be able to see me more often. I hung up because I was upset. Idk what to do I can't go through another councilor switch.

The biggest problem is I still want to die. I want to leave this illness and all its destructive problems behind. I want my husband to find a better wife that will cook and clean for him everyday and always be happy with him. A mom for my son that won't get so overwhelmed and cry in front of him so often. And I want to leave my thoughts forever. The voices. The visions. The hallucinations. The harm I cause everyone.

I feel like they are all punishing me by wanting me to stay. I want them to just let go. And everyone that cares is all that is keeping me tethered to this world.

Of course you've done absolutely nothing wrong! It's really not your fault at all if the meds haven't worked just yet. You didn't ask for this and you've been compliant.

Your husband cares greatly for you.

As for crying in front of your son it teaches him a valuable lesson that everyone in this world is human and we have real feelings.

I believe your counselor really wants the best care that can be given to you that you deserve.

Nobody is perfect and no your husband does not need to find the "perfect" wife because that just doesn't exist. We all have flaws, warts and all and we have good things too.
No you are not yourself at the moment but you need to give yourself a chance. I know that you are worth living but when we are not ourselves our minds can think all sorts of nasty things. It's a sign of the phase you're going through. Please give yourself a chance to get better.

I'm glad you posted. It makes me realize I'm not the only one that has these thoughts. You're a very honest person and you have everyones support on this forum

[Yoda]

Sometimes a new set of eyes is a good thing; I hope a new T can help you in ways the old T didn't. I know it is difficult to break a new one in but it is worth a try.

I understand about wanting to be free of yourself, free from your sadness but killing yourself isn't really a solution and your child would never get over it and would wonder if he caused it. I don't have first hand info there but this is what I get from other posters on PC who have had family commit suicide.

Have you gone inpatient ever? It is a good way to try new meds and they can evaluate your response in a safe environment.

[Sprite22]

Hospitals always make my condition worse. But it is then that I realize I had to go. I was to ill to stay home. It is sad to have to go though.

[tailie angel]

Thank you for all the support. I still feel sick though. I talked to my husband last night and he wants me to try to see my same councilor I will just have to travel a city over to see him more regularly. I haven't been able to call to ask them if this is ok or not yet so if that doesn't work I don't know what I'll do. I was supposed to call them today but my phone is not working and I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm really picky when it comes to councilors.

My husband and I talked about if I were to go inpatient (I never have before) and he says he wants to use that as a last resort. But I'm afraid of myself. When my husband is home from work and my son is cared for that's when the thoughts really get bad. I feel like maybe I shouldn't risk it and should go to in patient care but that's not what my husband wants because my mom would have to watch my son and he wouldn't be able to see him every night.

Has anyone been to impatient that can tell me what its like? How often could I see my son? Would I still be able to make my art?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by tailie angel

Thank you for all the support. I still feel sick though. I talked to my husband last night and he wants me to try to see my same councilor I will just have to travel a city over to see him more regularly. I haven't been able to call to ask them if this is ok or not yet so if that doesn't work I don't know what I'll do. I was supposed to call them today but my phone is not working and I don't know what's wrong with it. I'm really picky when it comes to councilors.

My husband and I talked about if I were to go inpatient (I never have before) and he says he wants to use that as a last resort. But I'm afraid of myself. When my husband is home from work and my son is cared for that's when the thoughts really get bad. I feel like maybe I shouldn't risk it and should go to in patient care but that's not what my husband wants because my mom would have to watch my son and he wouldn't be able to see him every night.

Has anyone been to impatient that can tell me what its like? How often could I see my son? Would I still be able to make my art?

Your not in a safe state of mind.... You really should go inpatient now.. ER trip and be honest honest honest about your feelings ..

IP isnt a horrible thing.. You will see a Pdoc daily and possible med changes that can be done quicker since you are monitored 24/7 in a safe place, Lots of group therapy.. I was IP a few weeks ago and it was fine...

The point is your husband and son need you and right now you need help. Nothing to be ashamed or scared of. You already attempted a suicide... That would devastate your husband and son if you tried again and was successful.

Get help you deserve it

[wildflowerchild25]

It depends on the facility how often you could see your son. I couldn't see mine at all because children weren't allowed on the floor. When I got grounds I could see him but my husband and I decided it was best he didn't see me like that. Same goes for your art. Depends on the materials you use. You might be able to access them during certain times or you might be able to have them all the time.

Inpatient might not be a bad idea for you right now as you don't feel safe with yourself and you did already try to overdose. It could help you.

[lilypup]

Just remember if you hurt yourself and succeed it is a lasting legacy. You son will never get over it. Imagine his feelings when he tells his prospective wife and later children. Your grandchildren will never have a grandma.
Take any help you can get and worry about the big things, not the little details.

[Heechee55]

As an adult who is BP, and having a mother who was and didn't know, I understand both sides. My mother attempted suicide many times and was hospitalized well over a dozen times, many times for longer that 72 hrs. I could deal with her depression, my father had to deal with her spending sprees. Over the years, her suicide attempts got to me. Made me depressed. The hospitals would help, but after she would start messing with her meds. Through it all, I love her.

Your family loves you. No one can replace you. Be as well as you can be, and let your family know you are doing the best you can. It makes a huge difference. I remember the day my mom gave up trying to be the best she could. That hurt more than anything.

[tailie angel]

My husband and I are going to look in to places tomorrow when he gets back from work. I'm afraid that no one will take me because we have no insurance.

[~Christina]

If you have no insurance your best bet is to go to the ER ( you are unstable) and have them(and the crisis team) send you to a facilty, They will take you regardless of having insurance. While your in patient they will most likely get you on patient assistance so that your stay will be of no cost to you..

Its almost impossible to check yourself into a facility... An ER visit is necessary.

Take care of you

[Tucson]

I checked myself into a facility, but my tdoc told me exactly what to say to the intake specialist.i think I must of got their attention. They ended up placing me in with the drugged up patients who would get agitated or violent, who needed constant supervision. What a trip!