I feel paralyzed

So basically, I just got out of the hospital from another mania and lost another job. I was very paranoid and thought there were cameras in the trees, people reading my thoughts. I lost everything I'd worked for. It wasn't even a great job because I lost the job before that because of a depression. My family had high hopes for me and I have let them down over and over again. Does anyone ever feel like things are going really well when you're in a hypomania and then all of the sudden things start to get really loud, really fast, really bright and colorful and you realize too late that you're manic and you're completely out of control then?

Now I'm on my medication and living at my parents and everything is gray and boring and flat. I guess the problem is that I don't really have anything to care about now. I keep losing jobs and relationships and I live in a very small town with nothing to do. I do get disability now but it's not enough to live on my own. It's enough to live with my parents. I've always come back from disasters like this and tried harder, fought harder, found another job or moved to another city and made something work. It's different this time. Something changed this time and I can't bring myself to care. It just feels like I've hit some kind of limit. Like I've fought too long and too hard and I've tried to many things. I just can't do it anymore. There aren't any more reasons that I can think of. I wake up every morning and think is there anything I have to do today? No? Good, thank God. I'm going to lock myself in my room all day with my dog. I don't even like having to talk to my parents.

I don't want to complain too much because I haven't damaged myself in any ways that are permanent. Maybe part of it is coming down from a manic episode but I just feel so broken and empty. I look at other people my age who are married with kids and stable jobs and then there's me living at my parents house watching tv all day. I just want to know what other people with bipolar disorder do. I'm just at standstill. I've never felt so paralyzed. It just seems like too much to take. The things that make people happy are all the things I can't have it seems. I just don't know where to go from here.

Sorry for you feeling this way. You're certainly not alone. Medications saved my life at age 60+. My wild and crazy highs caused me to spend too much money. Maybe you could talk to others more knowledgeable concerning you're personal issues. I now have a way of keeping to myself. I keep, now, my mental illness hush hush. So called "normal" people, for the most part, just do not fully understand in my opinion. I can't blame them. After all, it wasn't until I was diagnosed until I even began to understand. I never knew why, earlier times, why I thought the way I was, talking too fast, and all the other things that can come with BP and what ever else related to mental illness.

It sounds hard, what you are going through. I can't relate much of it to my own life, but I can relate to being so high on top of the world, and then it all comes crashing down on you in a second. And then the greyness. That can be the worst.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Be good to yourself. You are NOT your illness. You are worth fighting for.

I'm in a similar situation. I've basically been disabled by the fallout of bipolar and psychiatric treatments. I think the only reason I've made it this far is because I developed a daily routine. However, the impression that I'm nearing my breaking point has gone from primarily psychological to physical, as if my body is beginning to reject my efforts to continue trying to find a way to make things work. Just, exhausted, frightened, scared, fearing; always fearing that trying harder doesn't work; that my efforts are futile; that my sense of hopelessness has been built on solid foundations and all my efforts to shake it free from my world will be in vain.

I don't really know what to say, i just wanted to chime in and tell you you are not alone. I don't have a career or family either. I'm on disability benefits, too. The most meaningful think in my life is just a mental health drop-in i attend three days a week. The other days i'm on my own but i also have a dog and find she is a great comfort.

It's not much but it's sustainable. I get beautiful, euphoric manias in the Spring but spend the balance of the year in mild depression. It's a struggle to get thru the days. Lots of days i count the hours until i can go to bed again. Sleep is an excellent escape. Sometimes i go to bed super early because i've run out of things to do and if i just lie there for hours, what does it matter?

Bipolar is hard but everybody suffers. It's part of the human experience. It unites us rather then divides us. Time hangs heavily on my hands but at least i don't have some stupefying job. I live in a government town and there are lots of people here pushing paper, trapped in repetitive, mind-numbing menial labor.

I guess in a small town there are not a lot of opportunities for amusement. But you have an Internet connection. I play online Scrabble. There was a tremendous amount to learn when i first got involved. How about that, or online Chess, Bridge or Poker?

Hang in there!

I suppose I really am pretty lucky. Some people have it much worse and have to work horrible jobs as someone mentioned, also some people don't have families to help them like I do. My dog does makes me smile every day and every day I'm really happy to go get my coffee in the morning. I do spend some time online doing stuff like Amazon Mechanical Turk, it does pay a small amount of money for tasks and elance.com for writing if anyone is interested in making money online those are some great ways to do so that are legit. I'm also thinking of going to a support group in the next town over next week so maybe I will meet some people there.

I have found that when I can make myself exercise really helps. It makes me feel like I've done something worthwhile and makes me feel a lot better. Maybe if I could get into a routine. Some things to think about.