Trying not to lose.

So I have looked at myself over the last couple of months, sat back and thought WOW! I'm really nuts! Its really hard not to think otherwise. I started getting into forums for the sake of emotional support about 2 months ago, right after a brief hospitalization. I figure at this point in my life, its better to have an outlet, even if it means interacting with others in the same boat, simply so I don't feel so alone. About six months ago was the real breaking point of the illness. I was diagnosed at 17, and was stable for many years. Then life happened and of course, its the life events that seem to always set the spirals into full blown hurricanes. I was in a long term relationship for 5 years, and during that relationship a numerous amount of life altering events took place. My mother died, me and my ex lost a child, and I found out my ex was loving others as well. I left her and secluded myself to a life of pot, work, and computer games. During that year I had 3 attempts, 2 minor one major. The major one was 6 months ago in April. Severe OD that almost cost me my life and ended the pain. After coding twice, I spent a week in the ICU, my wife (who as my best friend at the time) sitting by my side the whole time. Miraculously I survive and am living with minimal issues. I have pretty bad kidney problems. Been in and out of failure a couple of times, but that is okay. I am pretty damn lucky. My last psych stay was end of july. My wife had lost our child and as this was the second time, it hit pretty hard.

After my hospitalization, I decided to take control of my life. I married my wife. Things are well but I know that being with me is a huge struggle, but I think she is okay with that. I'm looking back on everything and just in awe at how much my life has changed and how bad its really gotten inside my head. The episode in April seems to have really set of a never-ending spiral that just not seem to let up. I will be depressed then energetic. Energetic then enraged, enraged then depressed….and round and round we go. I've recently changed meds and after the roller coaster of adjustment I have settled into a nice stable depression...

I'm so sorry for your loss I can't imagine your pain.

Yes its unfortunate that the ups and downs in life will indeed knock us way off course. Good for you for taking back control of your life and doing what needs to be done to be mentally and physically healthy. Dont settle for a life of a "stable depression" You can feel better and be stable again. Congrats on your wedding

Welcome to PC

Sorry you feel so bad at the moment and feel you have had such a rough life. I wish that was not the case. Unfortunately many of us have a lot of bad stuff that happens to us. Speaking for self, I could look at all the bad stuff in my life and really hate everything and everyone. In order to avoid that, I try to look at the good and what I do have. You are very fortunate to hav a wife, a life, and the health you have. It is proven fact that if your mindset to changed and you look at the positive when you can, things are better. I have changes in mood daily and sometimes hourly. When depressed, it sucks, when manic I love it, but when mixed. To me that is the worst. I hope you can find the good. Many of us are alone, broken, and scared. That is a sad reality that I hate to see or read. Please cherish the good.

I understand the feelings of mixed. Before I hit this depression I spent 2 weeks in a mixed state where I was suicidal, wanting to SH, and just generally enraged with the feelings in my head. And as far as suicide and SH, the scary thing was how much energy I had, so I think without my wife's help and my friends, I fear for the things I could have or would have done. I was also hearing voices and my inner monologue wanted to the control. With the help of my other support group I managed to evade what could have been a potential end by simple venting and channeling the rage and hate to an outside source. My new meds seems to have started to stabilize but unfortunately they have evened me out at a low point. I know there is a light and I am trying to get there, but damn, I feel like crap. At least I am only at a low point. But damn I miss the energy I had..