Being bipolar & this whole relationship thing.

I find myself wondering if I would be better off alone where I had no one to bother and no one to perturb me. I am married to a great guy and it isn't that I don't love him. I do. However, the reality is I am what I am and who I am. There are things I cannot change. I am always striving to be my best, to be as balanced as I can and to try to fair as I can about all things. I just can't sometimes and sharing a house with someone so vastly opposite me is just not working. We also have next to nothing in common. No hobbies, no music, no tv shows.... 0 things. We only have house plants and a rabbit we both like.

In the last 2 years I find a lot of the time I am just generally annoyed by him or his presence. I think it stems from having to explain myself over and over. Like he can't seem to remember to stop mucking about in my spice cabinet? How many times do I have to bloody say it? I think I am on the 15th round of "stop messing with my kitchen. You don't cook ever!!!". Or I am not in the mood to be goofed around with and he tries about a dozen different ways to be "funny" and it is just so annoying I can't stand it. But then I feel like the horrible person for getting irritated and telling him to stop. Or when I am in a good mood and I want to do something together and for no reason I can fathom, he just can't be bothered. I am actually a rather logical and sensible person.

Today, I am in a bad mood (no reason) and he told me to stop it because he doesn't like it. Oh, and I do? You think I am purposefully trying to be pissed off for no good reason other than the wind is blowing or some other nonsensical reason my brain has come up with? Yeah, because I just love it soooo much.

He hasn't bothered to learn anything, at all, about my ADHD or even the newer diagnosis of Bipolar. Really? You cannot take the time out of your music documentary watching, your geneology, your Premier League watching to learn anything about what your wife of 6 years is going through? You can't? Nice.
"I just don't understand this stuff." He says.
"We can go talk to my therapist, you can go talk to one. The hospital holds courses for the family of people with...." I tell him.
"No. I don't really think any of that is for me" He says.....

On the converse he still stands by me. He still says he loves me. He is massively helpful around the house. It's a 50/50 there. We don't have a lot, but we are comfortable. It's super tight money wise because he is the only one working. He provides for everything we need and he still tries to find ways for us to each do some extras that we each love. I am lucky in those respects.

I hate to say it though, if I had a job (no prospects whatsoever... like lower than zilch of a chance) or I had any money to my name, I'd have left last year. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel like it just is broken beyond mending. I keep trying and he keeps saying how exhausted he is. I get it. This (pointing to myself) isn't a hot mess, but I am still hard to handle. He is one of those blissfully calm, seriously normal and moderate energy people. The only people I don't burn out are Type A, high energy, creative types.... he's not that at all. I don't want to hurt him in any way, shape or form, but I feel like I am slowly putting his spark out. Killing off his dreams, his passions and I think that is terribly unfair. But divorcing is going to make me feel like I've been nothing more than a leech of his time, money, emotions and his support. I feel I've given less than I've taken, but I give all I have to give, even if it's not much.

My most intrinsic nature is to do no harm. To give without thought to being paid back. To serve others with the few talents and gifts I have to give freely of. To be kind always. But if I stay or if I go, I feel like I will be betraying all of myself.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been here? Any advice?

well, it sounds like you are seeing the relationship as not being fair to him if I am reading this correctly and that you feel that what you have to offer does not equal what he gives to the relationship and you feel you are draining him and that isn't fair to him. but in divorcing him, you think that would look like you have used him. I don't see it that way. you are unhappy. you lack common ground. things are frustrating. he doesn't give to you in the way that you need to be understood and supported. the only reason to stay is financially. but that would be using him. I could see discussing yur needs first, seeing if you could find common ground. but if not, being alone is not such a bad thing. I rather enjoy my freedom.

I'm 48 now and in my twenties i was in a marriage somewhat like yours. My ex and i had almost nothing in common. Still, it was incredibly painful to get divorced. I miss the little things like how he would call me in the middle of the day, every day. It meant so much to me that someone on the planet would take action for me. It made me feel alive.

I've been on my own for nearly twenty years. There ARE things i like about it such as the independence and freedom and not having to negotiate on every little thing. It's lonely, tho. People make a fuss when anyone says their death would have almost no impact, but aside from my dog, my death would truly have very little. It hurts to know i matter to no one.

I'd encourage you to make every effort you can to make your marriage work.

It's not fair of you to make choices for him. What other friend's can you pick and choose who they date? even when you hate your friend's significant other you deal with them. You love him and as his friend HE gets to choose to be with you. So don't leave on his behalf.

If he doesn't cook why's he in the kitchen?
What attracted you to him?
What do you do during the day?

I can relate. My husband tries to understand but doesn't.

I feel he deserves a better wife than I am.

No words of advise- just ((hugs))

I went through pretty similar situation 4 years ago. I am very happy I didn't divorce my husband back then!

I blamed him for not understanding me and my problems, I thought we had nothing in common. Now I know that it was mostly my illness talking and I had too much time to ruminate on every tiny thing I didn't like, because I didn't work full time back then.

My advice to you, don't make any big decisions until you fix your own situation first. Why can't you work? How about part time? Babysitting, dog walking, waiting tables, working at Starbucks? I can't imagine anyone who would not be able to do those things, at least part time.

If you really can't work for money, why not volunteer? Get yourself out of the house, do something useful, build your self esteem. Maybe your dissatisfaction with your husband will disappear, like mine did.

Bottom line, you can't hold anyone else responsible for your happiness. Even if he were the best person on Earth, just him alone still wouldn't be enough and wouldn't make you happy or satisfied.

Believe me, being single and mentally unstable is not fun at all. I am talking from personal experience.

There is always going to be this irrational fear that our significant other will be better off if they didn't have to "deal" with us. I know cause I feel that all the time as of late. I've been in the middle of a med change and have literally lost my mind on a couple of occasions. It doesn't seem fair to me that she has to deal with it. I feel like a burden, but its not just my choice. This woman has chose to be by my side for years. 20 years as a best friend, 12 years on and of as my SO, and 2 months as my wife. The point is she has been there through all of it and knows what the disease does, and still chose to be with me.

My best advise for you, as you are just newly diagnosed, I am going to assume there are some med changes going on? Once you reach full stability things should go smoother in your relationship. Give him a chance to work on learning about you and trying to cope with what you are going through. Let it work itself out. Until you and your husband have a discussion together about dissolving the marriage, don't make the mistake of choosing for him as you may lose something you really never wanted to lose.

I have almost this exact situation going. I am not so down on my wife now, though some times I have been.

She thinks of my bipolar and ADHD in terms of it's inconvenience and unfairness to her, not as something that I have to manage. She is not very supportive of my need to actively manage it. She won't support me being medicated, she wants me to address it using diet and exercise and what not, but then doesn't support those things either. Sometimes I'll be in a mood, maybe feeling really down, on the brink, and she'll start going after me about something, and I'll calmly request that she just wait because I am down and on the brink of something darker, and she just won't stop, and sometimes it sends me over the edge. And other times when I'm up, hypo manic, talking a lot, she is SOOO annoyed by me, so burdened by how long winded and intense I am. I hate it! I really feel like man, **** you! I am this way, if you want to be with some normative moderate person that always knows when to talk and not, and is concise and quiet and manicured and tight and together and on top of it and what not, then go find that person! I don't enjoy being bipolar, but I'll take it over being square!

Anyhow, now I'm ranting!

But, yes, I feel you. We also have only a few things in common, so much of what I enjoy she does not.

ALL OF THIS SAID!

I know how hard it is for her to be with me, and she has not abandoned me, and I have to value that, and I have to be sure I am not making decisions as a function of a manic lift off, and I have to also have compassion for her and the work she must do in her life to be with me.

So I am trying to work along with it now. But I'd love to be in touch with everyone who experiences this and support each other!
MT

I know that when I am in a bad place I can make an excellent case for leaving my husband. And when I am in it I feel like it is always.

I don't think it is just Bipolar. My normie friends and I speak very openly and honestly about our marriages and in the right (or wrong) light any marriage looks horrendous. Every man unbearable (sorry men!).

It sure ain't easy. It is in fact excruciatingly difficult.

But you said that you LOVE him and he LOVES you. You say he is helpful around the house and it seems from your post that he is not emotionally or otherwise abusive. It seems like his biggest sins are the typical male sins of not being that emotionally available or tuned in to you and things like that. And you say he has stood by you! And he has been through your illness and loves you and wants to keep going. That is GOLD. I try not to push my opinion but seriously if.....

You love him
He loves you
He is not abusive
He wants to be with you

Hang on to him!!!! Feed the love. You deserve it.

Try to let go of expectations and cultivate gratitude for what he DOES do and try to enjoy eachother again. Forgive him for not being able to meet all of your needs. When in doubt cry instead of yell. If he is anything like other men I know he probably loves you and wants to protect you and has a hard time watching you suffer and feels helpless to help and that stirs up frustration and shame in him and then he acts out in any number of ways. Being snappy or withdrawn or irritable or defensive.

And whatever you do make sure you don't make any decisions in any state other than baseline normal as cherry pie stable as a pony.

Wait for this mood to pass. Let him hold you.

That was a lot. Sorry if it is annoying to you right now. I just think marriage sucks real bad but is amazingly wonderful and you should fight for what you have.