Don't want to be here.

There. I said it. I don't seem to be able to figure out a way to do it that's not painful or won't land me in the ER with a tube up my nose, and honestly I don't really want to die. I just want to not be here.

Hubby and I are going to be literally homeless within the next couple of weeks. My kids talk a good game but won't take us in and let us live with them. I am so afraid of living in the car and being cold all the time---I know it sounds like a dumb thing to be afraid of but I am. I still can't believe how far (and how fast) we've fallen in the past six months. I never thought it would come to this.

I actually went through what I think was the worst part of the crisis yesterday. I spent three hours in the bathroom in the morning because hubby was out at the doctor's and running errands, and I was too scared to come out because I thought I might hurt myself. I knew where the gun was, and I could have found the pills if I'd looked hard enough. The bathroom seemed to be the safest place in the house. Now both the gun and the pills have been hidden again and all there is are the knives, although I'm afraid of pain and probably wouldn't slash my wrists.

So hubby medicated me with Ativan and let me sleep, and then last night a good friend called and we talked for over 2 hours. It helped, and today I'm not having as many of the bad thoughts as I did yesterday. People keep telling me to go to the ER since my pdoc's out of town, but I don't want to. I don't want anyone thinking I'm some drama queen. My situation sucks, and it's going to suck no matter what I do or don't do. It's just a sad situation when I'm worth more dead than alive---my husband would get better Social Security benefits than he gets now. Not only that, but he'd have a better chance at being taken in because it would just be him and I don't think the kids would allow their father, who has cancer, to live in a car by himself.

I don't know if this is making sense. I'm offloading here because I know you guys understand. I don't think I'm in imminent danger because I haven't done anything yet and I don't think I will. I just want to be out of this situation.

I hate what you are going through.. hate hate hate it.. I am worried about you hun. Just the fact that your brain as hopped down near the rabbit hole is a huge flag ! Im glad your husband was there to keep you safe.

Are you able to coast along using your Vitamin A and Z til your Pdoc comes back? You are not a Drama Queen. You know this isn't reality. I'm glad you had a good long call with a friend, that seems to always help.

Why has there been a change in your moving in with your son?

Your thoughts of your husband being better off without you is situational stress and Bipolar shifts being triggered talking . You know this. He would be destroyed if he lost you. Use Logic, self grounding. He needs you just as much as you need him.

Have you talk to anyone at your church? They may very well be able to help you in housing. Don't be afraid to ask. I know how you feel about asking for help , well this is a case of you just need help, nothing to be ashamed of. You worked all your life paying taxes so that many people received help. Now its time for you to get that help. Apply for any and all services that will help you right now.

If you head down that rabbit hole again, please get help then, right away... Make that promise with your husband.

Take care of you Reach out anytime you need to

I am so sorry. Look up "Home share and your county". They provide rooms to rent through out the county. The "landlords" are screened. I really, really wish there was something that we could do. Call all your local hotel's / motel's and see if they have a monthly rate. I've seen people use storage units for short term housing, camp sites can be cheap and provide warm showers and flushing toilets. Family shelters can provide a place that you and hubby can stay together. If that's not an option separate shelters are. turn to Catholic charities and local mental health centers as they often have temporary housing.

We love you and would hate if this situation made it so you were here anymore. If your willing PM me your local county and I'll help you find something. I promise I'm not a scary stalker.

Have you talked to anyone at the DHHR?

i am very sorry to read your post. It is a call out due to desperation. Wish I could help you out. I don't know where you live, but in the US. There are shelters with private rooms along with housing assistance. Every where I have ever been, there has been emergency shelter and help. Perhaps there are some avenues you have not explored. I know what it is like to think the way you are thinking. I would be very worried if you had a sense or peace and let go of everything. Being up set and the way you are maybe a good sign. I recall when I was truly ready everything was very peaceful and felt like everything just washed away. I kind of resided myself to the notion. So I hope your state of mind is a good sign. Hope that makes sense. I hope you make it through this and please ask for help. Help us out there.

You are not a drama queen!!! What you are going through is awful.
But I think a lot of people on this thread have suggested some great ideas.

I don't have anything more to add except be strong. And don't ever think anyone would be better off without you.

You've got a plateful of yuckiness, for sure. My heart goes out to you. I can advise you about housing, having both been homeless and worked as case manager for a homeless shelter. First, find out if there are any transitional housing facilities in your area. These places are actually meant for long-term residence-- up to 2 years-- and they give you a room, or even an apartment, to call your own. Second, if that doesn't pan out, check with all the churches and social service agencies in your community. You'd be amazed at how many people will step up to help you out. It might only be short-term, but it beats sleeping in the car, and gives you some more time to get things figured out.

I'm sending you all the good energy I can. Hang in there, remember you are NOT a drama queen, and recall all the good advice you've given others here. Be gentle with yourself and separate yourself for your illness. You have bipolar; not you are bipolar.

I don't have much advice, expect.... go into the minimalist mode for now. Focus on now and don't do much else than what needs to be done now. Try not to rumminate and blame yourself.

You can do it.

Just to let you all know I went inpatient Friday night. I'm better but still have a ways to go. Hope to be back soon.

I'm glad that you're getting the help that you so deserve.

Sorry your in so much pain. I hope you can hold on for another day

Really sorry to hear your situation...I suggest you do cognitive therapy let alone the meds they only take away the symptoms but not the pain.

I am glad you are getting help and that you are safe. Can you get resources from the hospital you are in? I am sure they have some kind of social services or case management that can help you and your husband find housing. I am pulling for you!

I am so glad you're safe I was worried because you weren't around. Feel better soon.

I don't want to be here either. There I said it. My advice is dont waste your time looking at ways to do it - I have spend months doing that, and I have decided that I will somehow mess it up & I will be worst off than dead. I have always hated people who would reply "dont do it etc" our pain is just as real.... That being said - dont do it. It's selfish. I always thought it would be better if I was dead because my pain would be gone & I wouldn't hurt anyone. Unfortunaty there will ALWAYS be a situation your trying to get out of - and it never ends. Just think how much worst your family situation would be if you were gone. Funeral costs, any debt you have - all now your kids problems. It will ruin their lives - & that will be your fault.
I'm still here because of my mom - be there for your kids... I know its hard

I know you say you wont do anything - I say the same thing & I have finally decided to admit myself into a hospital soon. It's hard to ask for help - but do it before it's too late & your too far gone in depression, because it's hard to get back.

I liked reading your post. It's nice to be reminded I'm not alone & I'm not crazy. I don't know if I helped - but reading yours helped me

Sending support from New Zealand. I know you have been a help to me in the past with your support and kind words, so I would like to give some of that back in your time of need. All the best with your recovery and I hope things begin to look better for you. Please don't do anything to harm yourself, it would be a huge waste.

M, I love you

I know most hospitals don't have a lot of social services on weekends but hopefully they were able to give you some leads. Back when I was homeless there were some shelters that had rooms for couples and families especially those that were dealing with medical and mental health problems. I think it was the ymca that had a seperate floor for those they called vulnerable both you and your husband would qualify for that.
You are absolutely not a drama queen.

Drama queen my rear end. Bipolar Nurse, you helped me through a terrible night one night and I am grateful. Please stay safe and heed any of the advice given.

I'm not really verbal right now, unless it consists of screaming "*****" at something or someone... That I can do no problem.


But know that I am thinking of you.


Lotsa love Lia

So glad to hear that. Keep posting on here if you can. You know we all understand and will support you however we can, even if it's just to say we hope you feel better.

Darvula

Stay safe sweetie! I wish I could do more than send you thoughts and prayers! Sometimes good things can come out of bad situations that were never expected. I've had some really bad things happen before that turned out to be a transition for something better. I hope and pray that things turn around for you soon!

Good news---I'm going home tomorrow!! I am much, much better and am ready. What a difference a week makes, now I want to live and do things again. My hubby says, "you've got your smile back."

I love seeing those words