[Victoria'smom]

After a sucky little while. I now (by choice) only have 7 25mg prn in my home. To high for me to reach.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Im sorry. I really want to help and encourage you but I cant comprehend what I read.

So just know... I am sending positive love!

[Victoria'smom]

Is the post incoherent?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Im pretty sure its me... When I read I kind of skip over words..like I cant slow down my eyes to read the whole thing.

[~Christina]

If the script says 1-2 at bedtime then that is what the Pdoc ordered.. Your trying to manipulate it.. You mentioned something the other day about just taking it and each time you wake up take another .. that is when your husband told you it was drug abuse. I am worried for you..

I don't know if it's drug abuse, but it is using the drug in a way that it wasn't intended. As needed at bed does not sound at all like take every time you are awake. If you need something to function, and you don't have a prescription, then that is a good reason to be IP since that's what they do is medication adjustments. Your husband says he doesn't want that, but does he want you to continue to suffer like this?

A PRN is for occasional use. If you need something regularly, it's got to be prescribed--presumably because a pdoc has thought through what your symptoms will respond to.

I worry about you. A lot. I want you to get the help you need.

[Victoria'smom]

~Christina I'm pretty sure you're not the only one. This is just weird. This is new to me. Me unworried about weight gain???, actually willing to take meds??? That's not me!
___________________________________________________________________
IP isn't even a thought right now.

Your husband says he doesn't want that, but does he want you to continue to suffer like this?

He doesn't want me IP for several reasons. One being not wanting to make things worse in the long run. His own selfish reasons and IP even at my worst (and I can get bad) has been venomly rejected. He promised me when we met never ever to hospitalize me. He's asked me once to go IP and that's when I was mixed. EVERYONE (even here) was trying to get me to IP voluntarily. He's regretted ever since, blaming my paranoia of him on him asking me to go IP.

He's unwell also as we both are in NOV - FEB but I have not hit psychosis yet.

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A PRN is for occasional use. It was a PRN as a compromise as "I'll take this instead of the hospital when impulsive or delusional" Even then usually I have to be convinced to take the PRN usually by PC members as my husband doesn't even want the PRN in the house at this point.

[BipolaRNurse]

I can tell you now that I've been IP, it isn't as bad as it's made out to be sometimes. Everyone has different experiences and I'm sure that not all are as positive as mine was. But I was terrified of the hospital and swore I'd never go IP voluntarily.....at least, not until this most recent bout of depression and suicidal ideation.

Now I'm glad I did. My only regret is that my hospitalization will be reported to the Board of Nursing in my state, and even though I will probably never work as an RN again, I wanted to keep my options open "just in case". Oh well. Losing my license is still a lot better than being dead.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so glad you're feeling better. It actually scares me what would happen if I was no longer scared of the hospital. It's up to my husband's Therapist, what happens to me this Tuesday. Given tonight's antics.

[~Christina]

Why did you take down your original Post?????

I'm going to be blunt ... only out of concern for you and your family, I'm not being mean.

I've know you over 2 years and I have see you in all sorts of moods.

You are always fooling with your meds, taking them wrong , not taking them, taking more than you should.. etc ... Doing so is not going to find stability .. Do you want stability ??

You said your hubby is suicidal right now, your off the rails too by what you have been posting.. Who is caring for Miguel?

I know you fear IP , but if your at risk of harming yourself or others you need to take responsibility for yourself and do what is safe for you and your loved ones.

IP is not some crazed looney bin that is going to force meds down your throat its not like that, you have a say in your treatment, it's a safe place to get the help you need...

You and your hubby could both benefit from an IP stay.

I hope you find help , I really do

[Victoria'smom]

Why did you take down your original Post????? I realized if I could realistically take enough regularly to sleep fully through the next month and a half I had to much on hand. So like I do always when we have to much meds I grouped them all together (leaving me with 7 of the lowest dose) and desolved them. Usually then we would put it in Kitty litter but we didn't have. So I was just going to dump it. I almost impulsively took it instead of dumping it. Then I was upset I didn't. I'm never impulsive that way. That's the last thing I expected. I'm still impulsive,angry and my heads running. I'm curled up on my bed safe questioning wtf else will happen if I move. So that's why I took it down.

Most of the reason I don't attempt suicide is due to fear not succeeding and ending up IP. If I didn't have that I probably wouldn't be alive. I do not want to take that fear away. However it looks like I may end up IP anyway. Honestly our home is safer then any hospital could ever be.

I don't view your post as mean and always take your posts to heart. I really don't think I mess with My meds that much (outside this year) but I have only had very short live okay ness. When "stable " other symptoms pop up. I/we really did try to get our meds. I do take them properly when I have enough and they're shaped properly. I'm completely honest. I do think I make myself look less stable then I am.I notice night is worse for me.

We still looked put together. We're still cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with Miguel. We're the type that if something was to happen everyone would never expect it from us.Currently we have no place for him that is safe to stay. We are honestly the most put together of are family that can handle Miguel. Seriously. I wish things were just better.

We were so excited that we finally were in a place that we won't be out of state and low on meds 4 + months out of the year. November through Febuary is always our worst time of year. I've always been the strong one through depression but I'm guessing this is mixed.

Do you want stability? Right now? no. I feel the best solution is no longer existing and that would end the question of "an I safe is my family safe" because everyone would be safe from now on. Never having to question that again but again I'm to afraid of ****ing up and landing in IP so I am safe. I have no hopes that stability is in the cards for me without making me a shell of a person. I'd rather be like this and deal. I'd much rather tools then meds.

[~Christina]

I'm very worried about you, seriously . Your post is a bit hard to follow.

I don't understand what you mean about your desolving your pills and kitty litter?"

I know if the pills aren't the right shape it's a problem for you.

I hope you can stay safe

[Victoria'smom]

I don't understand what you mean about your desolving your pills and kitty litter?

After OP I realized I had far to much seroquel in the house. The way we use to get rid of meds is I would melt them in hot water and pour it into Kitty litter and throw the drug filled kitty litter out. So I melted the seroquel (like I do with all unused meds) but instead of throwing it out I almost drank it. I dumped it down the drain instead. I'm not impulsive usually so it was scary.

[~Christina]

You know you can take your unwanted medication to a pharmacy and they will dispose of them for you.

Did you keep enough of the Seroquel to last you until you see the Pdoc ? That is your PRN med right?

[Victoria'smom]

I kept 7. I don't see new pdoc until mid December. I have a Dr. Appointment the 14th I think. I'm only taking 100 mg lamictal every other day at this point. Solely because it's chewable and im trying to prolonged the meds.

Our old pharmacy told us to do the Kitty litter thing. I'LL be glad if these pharmacy 's will do that.

[~Christina]

Will the Dr appointment refill the psych meds you just got rid of? Or do you have to wait until your Pdoc appt ?

[Victoria'smom]

No one seems to want to refill psych meds here. To the point some are saying they're controlled substances. Even when we tell them it's not. We're told it's in FL and welcome to FL. So I have no idea if they will or not.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I know in Ky there is a system they track all meds you have filled, even psych meds. They monitor it before filling sometimes.

[~Christina]

So why did you intentionally destroy the meds that you had

[Victoria'smom]

I still have one a week if things get bad but not enough to OD on. My husband is talking about IP for both of us soon if we can't find a Dr. There're three psych hospitals within an hour of each other but the question is where to stash our son.

[~Christina]

One pill a week ???? You know there is no way in hell that your going to be ok on 1 pill a week ... You are not at all thinking clearly.... "stash " Miguel with your family.

You need to listen to your husband and no backing out and hissy fits in the hospital parking lots.. Go IP and get straightened out. Just get Miguel to a safe place , pack a bag and go to the ER.

Reach out for help before your forced into getting it.

Please stay safe

[HALLIEBETH87]

Plan to get help now before it all goes completely to hell and you're stuck stumbling to find a way to get treatment and stay safe.

[Victoria'smom]

One pill a week ???? That's the PRN. I have viibryd but worry if I take it without the mood stabilizer it'll be unsafe. I generally don't take the PRN that often unless I haven't slept for 2 days, about to fulfill one of my crisis actions, or my Husband can't reach me. I did take it daily like you suggested until the head thing started. I honestly feel I have lost functioning since the series of psychotic episodes I've had between March and July.

Our son has his appointment with his new Pdoc tomorrow morning.

We're actually taking care of our nephew right now because his mom's in a rough spot. I'm caring for him tomorrow. Right now we're the stable relative. I'm not having morbid thoughts of harming myself or others, have no plans, or intent at this point I'm just so tired. I do have a deal to call my therapist if I do break any of my crisis plan which I do plan to call if needed.

[HALLIEBETH87]

How can you take care of someone else if you're not caring for you?

[Victoria'smom]

Plan to get help now before it all goes completely to hell and you're stuck stumbling to find a way to get treatment and stay safe. We've tried. We have therapists that we're being completely and painfully honest with. My husband's next appointment is Tuesday with his therapist. I have my next appointment the 26th unless there's a ton of cancellations. My son's is the 18th with his therapist. I see new pdoc dec 13. My husband see's new Pdoc Dec 17th.