Need help.

Hi everyone. I am having relationship problems and hoping i can get some supportive info from others.
First off i have ocd, adhd, and anxiety disorder. When my girlfriend and i first met i hid nothing from her, she hid nothing from me either, she also has anxiety disorder and she is Manic Depressant. I thought hey no problem, we are both crazy so this could be fun.
2 years later, I can handle her usual ups and downs, we argue more when she is having an episode but we usually work through it. However about a month and a half ago her grandmother who basically raised her passed away and since then she has been on extended bout of deppresion. I know being bipolar that she needs some space but i am scared to leave her alone. Nothing i do or say seems to help. I ask her was she ready to end the relationship and she said no that she loves me and doesnt want anyone else and i feel the same. However this current episode is driving me crazy, i just cant seem to pull her out of it and she doesnt seem to want to get better.
What can i do to help her? I have almost given up but i dont want to. I love her and want to spend the rest of our lives together however i have been so overly stressed by her moods lately that it is causing me actual health problems.

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I have no doubt how hard this is on you to watch your loved one suffer.

You will not be able to "pull her out" of this episode.

And can I dispel the myth that "she doesn't want to get better". Nobody wants to feel depressed. It's awful. Unfortunately external circumstances may have very well caused this.

In order to move forward in this relationship you need to stop "stressing" about her moods. When you entered into this relationship you entered it knowing about her mental health. You would have known she would experience ups and downs.

Your stressing would reflect on her which could make her feel worse.

Give her positive affirmations without coming across as if it's being done out of desperation to make her well. This would only compel her symptoms.

She may not be up to doing much but if there are small things she can manage, even if it means just going out for a cup of coffee with her then do it.

Don't question her on whether she wants out of the relationship. She's already communicated to you that she wants to be with you. Don't add this as an extra burden.

I'm sorry that this comes across as a "don't do list" but my comments are personal thoughts only, after having taken into account the comments made in your post.

I think this could work out for the two of you. Give her time to heal whilst still being there for her.

Be well.

Thank you for the reply. I will definitely try what you have suggested, and even if it is just a dont list it helps me understand it more because she will not talk about it.

dang hooligan on point

hey guy ummmmmm i know it works so much better when u have a do and don't list

here is what i picked up from dating my set of ladies
1 distractions ........if she is up for going out and doing things u know her best hit her with a happy cry ( happy cry is when u do something so perfect they just cry happy because they do not know what to do) .........if not then fall back on the old fashion one get a movie she will love watch it at home and just be

2 at some point she will decide to talk on her own about what is looping in her head .........at this point u are on 24/7/365 call duty ........do not know when it will happen it all depends on the loop but at somepoint she will want to break it and from what u said she is attached so means u would be the first person or then her best friend ..........until then u leave it alone unless u see signs of harm coming then u have to say something

3 odds are some of the trouble is human guilt /do not pity me/fear of rejection ......so like hooligan said no more that talk only reassurance that u are sticking around when u seen a natural chance to do it

now the fall back plan (plan b) this plan is only to ever be used in cases of extreme trouble or danager ........understand once u uncork and use this it can never go back and she will also have u by the balls (no way to get out of it)
if u see her with more then normal cuts bumps bruises ........if u hear her talking about the point of life and anything along those lines.........if rage pops up at the wrong times or for something tiny really nothing (spilled milk)

"baby if u love me u will go and see a doctor something is not right and u are not getting better time to get some help ........i love u but this is hurting me to see u in so much pain "

the fight will start u stick to guns and see the doctor but doing this means she can now use this card on u and u can not ***** complain or argue (u might end up going to a wedding show with her ) u been warned

Take the brunt of responsibilities right now, getting up to pee is a feat when depressed. Is she in therapy and on meds?

You know... sometimes I think that we would be better off with less knowledge, fewer psychological terms, less mental health awareness, and, emphatically, less pathologizing of normal human states!

I realize that there is an upside to mental health awareness, but what you are describing shows that there is a downside, too.

I mean... she lost the grandma who raised her - the most important of her caregivers... possibly the most important person in her life who shaped her character.

And she is not allowed to just grieve the loss.

No, we call it a bout of depression - an anomaly... a pathology.

Before the DSM, we would have said something using vivid words:

- grief
- dejection
- despondency
- melancholy

and a bunch more. But now we do not need all the refined subtlety because we have the word "depression".

You said that you are afraid to leave her alone. If you are truly afraid, can you manage to do your work or studies from home? Just to keep an eye on her and not to talk to her or AT her. If you cannot do that, can someone else come with his or her laptop to quietly use your Wi-Fi to do his or her own thing and simply keep an eye on your gf?

If you do talk to her, imagine what a person who is not into mental health would suggest to your gf. Most likely, that person would suggest that your gf tell some stories - some sad and some funny - from her childhood when she was living with grandma. Maybe go through photo albums if she keeps them. Such stuff. Connected to the cause of her grief. Because that is what makes sense.

You said that she does not want to get better. She does not owe getting better to you! She wants to lick her wounds. That process takes time. Do not rush her. And for heaven's sake, do not challenge the person who just lost her main relative with questions about whether she wants to stay with her bf. This one... oh my.

I do not mean to offend you in any way - you just seem to be a product of that patholigizing trend in society that puts a DSM label on normal human emotions, moods, and states. So please do not take it personally, but I do hope that you might one day talk to your gf about her grandma. Ask her what fairy tales or lullabies the grandma liked... you get the idea I am sure...

I agree exactly with what Hooligan said. Unjollyrodger, I have been in the same situation with one of my close friends. That friend does not understand that when I am severely depressed, the best thing for me is to be left alone, or else I will approach other people if and when I feel able to. It has to be when *I* feel able to, not when that other person wants it to happen. Depression doesn't work like that.

Likewise, when my friend started saying that he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him, etc, and started to take it personally, that added a hell of a lot of extra pressure to me because I felt guilty that he was upset. I said to him, "when will you understand that this is not all about you, it's about me?" I am guessing that your girlfriend may be feeling a similar way about your situation. Please don't take her depressions personally; doing that will just make her feel worse. And please never think or tell her that she "doesn't want to feel better" because that is almost saying that it is her fault that she feels depressed. That will also make her feel much worse.

The bottom line is this - if you really want to help her, then give her space and let her process her thoughts at her own speed. And especially please don't put extra unnecessary pressure on her by bringing in this "do you want to end the relationship now" stuff. That sounds far too much like an ultimatum. Again, that's not nice.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope your poor girlfriend starts to improve soon. At the end of the day, someone very close to her has died, and anyone would be depressed by that, BP or not.