[Skasen_03]

So recently I've been doing some extensive spending as well as a lot of planning and organizing and cleaning. These are both signs that I might be getting hypomanic, but I ignored them of course, continuing to not take my meds all the way. I now have been impulsively drinking and doing drugs again, spending more, I'm seriously, seriously trying to do it without my meds again, I feel pressure to talk and I want to stand on top of a building and scream and make snow angels. I want to run for hours, I don't sleep unless I take numerous sleeping aids, etc. I'm starting to worry I might be getting further into the mixed mania but it is so compelling to not take my meds. I'm so much more productive, I feel great, I'm going to lose the weight the meds made me gain, and it will be fine, right? I'm just worried about...
The crash.
Logically, I know I need my meds, but my psychiatrist is unwilling to work with me to find a med that won't make me gain weight, as he knows weight is a huge issue for me. It is so hard for me to comply with the medications, like, near impossible. It's starting to affect my school and I am worried I might flunk out my first semester of college even though I've been a straight A student my whole life. I have this idea, whether it's true or not I don't know, but I can't get it out of my head. The idea is that I KNOW I will be able to make it off of my meds this time...but I've said that before. I just...I know what to do and I know I need to take action before I no longer realize or care that I'm manic. I'm thinking about going to the college counseling center tomorrow to get some professional feedback (even though I know what they are going to say) but I haven't decided what I think is best.
I really want to try some alternative treatments for my bipolar...like the light box and dawn simulator. idk...other ideas or suggestions?
Thanks!

[pink&grey]

I've gone off my meds because of weight before and convinced myself I could go without them. Long story short, I was wrong. Who is your support system? You need to reach out and let them know what's going on with you so they can try and help you be vigilant.

[Victoria'smom]

Which meds are you on?

[Victoria'smom]

What insurence do. you have ?which meds are you on? What state?

[Disorder7]

It doesn't sound mixed to me, it sounds like pure mania. If it turns mixed, you'll also feel depressed and irritable. You'll probably feel a violent, yet euphoric rage.

Once you begin acting on that rage, (and that's just a matter of time) and prove that you are a danger to others, you will be put somewhere.
Weight issues will be the least of your problems.

[Skasen_03]

I have my family, my boyfriend, a few really close friends who actually are also mental health professionals.
I'm on Risperdal, lithium, cymbalta, klonopin, and melatonin.
I have blue cross blue shield and I'm from Michigan. I know the insurance covers all my mental health stuff...we've already reached out deductible because I've been hospitalized twice this year, once for depression, then for antidepressant induced mania.
I do have the violent rage. I'm not an angry person especially not on risperdal, but it seems like every time someone says something that is the slightest bit annoying I want to throw things at the wall and break something over their head. I'm constantly yelling at the people I love which I never do and it is breaking my heart. Sometimes I even feel violent towards myself. I have yet to act on any of these thoughts though. I know, that's what I'm afraid of. My closest friend thinks I've already reached that point. I just think she hates me and wants me to leave for a couple days so that is her solution.

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[Disorder7]

That's a positive that you're only having the thoughts but not acting on them.

Watch out if you start acting on them and discover hitting someone gives you the best high ever. Then if you bite someone and draw blood and get a rush from that. Pretty soon, no one is safe around you because physically attacking others is just so fun. It takes road rage to a new level.

I always tell people who want to manage their bipolar alone and without meds to be careful. You're playing with fire. (Of course, fire can be pretty fun, too.)

Take care and if other people start telling you that you are out of control, believe them and get help.

[Skasen_03]

Yeah. I hope I don't start acting on them. I used to hit walls and break things and hit people but I haven't don't that in so long. I don't want to be a danger to anyone. I always have bad road rage lol so that's nothing new haha!
Yeah, hard thing is this all started while I was taking my meds and then slowly the mania led me to take them part way and now not at all...I can't get myself to do it...like...no matter how hard I try I just can't talk myself into taking them. Maybe I'm just weak. I've already got people telling me that and I just don't know what to do.

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[Mountainbard]

You're not weak, Shelby. You are under a lot of stress. Starting college is a stressful experience, and with the work you're doing on top of it, that's a lot of stress. It is good you haven't acted on your violent thoughts yet. From your description ("this all started while I was taking my meds") it sounds like a med adjustment is in order. As for not taking them, as another poster said it really is playing with fire, and you or someone around you ends up getting burned.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sorry in advance that I don't have a long response.

Based on your original post I'm picking out parts of hypomania but I'm struggling to see where you are feeling symptoms of being depressed hence I'm not entirely sure about the mixed episode part?

As for not taking meds. Based on your post. I'm not sure if you could justify that this strategy is working for you.

Please get some help.

Be well.

[Skasen_03]

I know, it sounds ridiculous but it's an inner battle to take my meds...a little tiny voice in me says to take them but the majority of me believes I can do it this time, that I can make it without them. I am more than willing to take meds I guess but I have certain things I am looking for in meds too. I'm sick of pdocs disregarding my concerns and feelings because it doesn't help me stay on my meds.
Mostly the depression symptoms are my lack of motivation to do the things I normally do as well as feelings that I do more harm than good. Some days even though I can't sleep I can't seem to get out of bed and I'm neglecting my basic hygiene. I feel very irritable and easy to anger.
I've only been med free for a day and a half so I don't think my current feelings are due to stopping it. My lithium levels were low before that and I had recently decreased my Risperdal as well.
I've called my psych and am hoping to hear back from her on if I can get in sooner than my appointment time because I do know this is going to get more extreme before it gets better...and I already have thoughts about jumping off roofs and going 150 down the freeway...so I know it's only a matter of time before I start acting out these things.

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[Tucson]

Please believe me, I am not trying to be critical here. So the order of importance to you is weight gain, and then mental stability. For me it's the reverse. Once I find meds that work, they can be adjusted for side effects like weight gain. FWIW

[Skasen_03]

It's complicated. I also struggle with anorexia, so the weight gain brings in a whole bunch of other mental complications. I know it sounds dumb...if I could make it the other way I would...I'm sick of obsessing over my weight, but I've been doing it since I was about 8 and haven't been able to stop. :/

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[Victoria'smom]

I have weight gaining issues to:

I looked up what drugs don't need step therapy or prior authorization through BCBSM here . I then cross reference them with weight neutral drugs. Here's your list:

Risperdal pg. 33
Geodon

Lithium pg 39
lamictal
topamax

cymbalta pg. 32
Wellbutrin, SR
prozac
Zoloft

If your doctor will not try weight neutral get a new one. Mono-therapy is ABilify but it requires step therapy.

[Skasen_03]

What is step therapy? I've been on abilify before and it gave me really bad akathisia that I still have restless leg issues from.

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[Victoria'smom]

Your insurance requires you to try certain drugs before allowing to try others. This is called step therapy.

[Skasen_03]

Oh gotchya! Abilify was the first antipsychotic they ever had me on when I was 13. My insurance is usually pretty good at covering almost everything..

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[~Christina]

Okay right now your in trouble, go back on your meds to bring you down to thinking more rational. If your current Pdoc won't respect the weight gain because Anorexia is a true illness ( I have it , so I get it fully) Pdoc wont work with you to find a weight neutral med then time for a new med.

Pdoc dont want to take time to find that med when your flying a bit to high , they focus on bringing you down for safety issues.

Take meds, slow down then address the weight triggers.

Stay safe

[Skasen_03]

I can't get myself to take my meds again now that I've stopped. It sounds ridiculous I know. I'm just confident.
I made an emergency appointment with my T to try to figure things out. I'm afraid she is going to suggest hospitalization if I am honest with her, but if she thinks it will help I may try. Even when I was on the meds it was making me this way. Cymbalta is a great med and I love it...I don't feel depressed rarely ever...but it makes me very manic if I miss any doses of my other meds. So I need them all changed before I really start coming down. I also keep thinking about alternative treatments and trying those too. Anywho...I'm gonna meet with her tomorrow and go from there.

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[Victoria'smom]

Would you be against a med that is desolvable or an injectable? Please print that list as it's all weight neutral meds that your insurance will cover.

[Skasen_03]

I've heard that some injections cause weight gain but I guess I wouldn't be opposed to trying. I really want to try Wellbutrin because I've heard good things with that and bipolar disorder.

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