[wing]

I'm freaking out because I have to go to TWO big holiday parties with 40 people each for my husband's work!!!! Any support on how to handle this will be appreciated. I asked my doc for a med increase on my antipsychotic, but the first party is tomorrow. I don't know if one dose tonight is going to work fast enough. I'm a hermit and hardly go out as it is. Coping skills, anyone?

[Bipolartist]

This is a tough one, I am Bipolar 1 and have a terrible time with social anxiety, which is a huge part of my generalized anxiety disorder. There's a forum for that too, by the way. The members there might also have some pointers.

For me, social situations are so overstimulating I get wrapped up in my own thoughts and lose track of conversations, then worry they think I'm crazy. So, I almost always try to avoid them when I'm having anxiety. But when I can't avoid a social situation, I try really hard to look people in the eyes, smile, and focus all my attention on what they are saying, one person at a time. I try so hard to think to myself, "Live in the moment... Live in the moment."

Again, you might want to post to the Anxiety group. Keep us updated and best of luck!

[wing]

Exactly. Good ideas. Looking people in the eyes is something I have to think about purposely. So is staying in the moment. I'm going to get out all the DBT handouts my therapist has given me. Right now they're gathering dust in a drawer. I'll check out the anxiety group, thanks.

[newtothis31]

My heart goes out to you, Wing. When I was married- I had a lot of moments where I refused to go out with my ex. It was bad- I skipped weddings, Christmas parties, themed engagement parties. I just literally couldn't handle social gatherings.

Here are some of my tips:

1). Don't get wrapped up into the idea of it being a party- remind yourself that it's part of your husband's job and that you are just there to support him. If you downplay your expectations, that helps.
2). Try to find out as much as you can about the other people who will be there from your husband. Finding out who he believes is nice, who he plans on talking to, how long he plans on staying is great. What are some interesting facts that you should know about them.
3). When I go out and have a situation that is nerve wracking, I'll turn up the radio while I'm getting ready and sing along to some silly pop music. It seems to warm up my vocal cords.
4). Pick out 2-3 non-controversial and neutral stories that people can relate to. Maybe it's a story about when you noticed a badly behaved child out in public; you're trying to pick out the best online store for your holiday shopping- you have someone in your family whose difficult to select a present for and need some ideas. Pick experiences that are relatable
5). When all else fails, ask the person questions about them. Overall, people are touched if you can show an interest in them. Questions like "Are you planning on going on vacation?" (if answer is no- ask where they would love to go if they had the chance then share a place you find interesting). Favorite TV shows- think of things you're interested in.
6). Since it's your husbands job, you can maybe consider sharing 2-3 things about what your husband is currently doing/working on/thinking about.
7). Ask your husband for support. If the situation becomes too much- have a code phrase that lets him know that you're having a tough time.
8). Do something really nice for yourself the next day. Think about what you're planning on doing- just remind yourself its for an evening- it's not forever- it'll pass. For me- it would be going to the bookstore without kids.

[jesusplay]

My bipolar depression has killed my anxiety disorder.

[BipolaRNurse]

Bipolar 1 with anxiety here, I know what you mean about parties. I don't like them either. Well, actually, I like the idea of parties, it's just the fact that there are too many people, too much noise, too many bright lights, and too much stimulation. Crowds make me very uncomfortable anyway---I like people in limited doses, and sometimes even that is too much for me. I am claustrophobic and I always have to be close to the door or I panic.

Bottom line, if you don't want to go to the parties, don't go. I myself have skipped many of my husband's club parties due to my anxiety, and when I really can't get out of it, I have to psych myself out by doing my breathing exercises before we get there. Then I stay very close to him---he knows I'm anxious and he'll avoid getting us stuck in the middle of a cluster of people---and once in a great while, I'll even find someone to talk to.

Wishing you luck. 'Tis the season!

[hamster-bamster]

Get a foot massage before the party. Before my last big exam, I had a foot massage from noon to 1, lunch from 1 till 1:20-ish, and the exam at 2PM. I arrived at the exam site about 15 minutes earlier and just walked around. I passed the test, and it was a hard test. All that work soothing my nerves - a foot massage, eating, walking outdoors - must have helped me. Plus, for me with my former habit of being perpetually late, every time I arrive earlier is a confidence boost and a relief from anxiety.

With the party, coming earlier does not make sense - it is not an exam - but coming in the middle of the party would cause more anxiety than coming in the beginning, I would think, because when you come fairly early, it is as if you were kind of like a semi-hostess and the newer people would be for you to greet, whereas if you come late, you'd feel thrown into the midst of its all. So I would come 15 minutes after the official start of the party.

I absolutely cannot wear heels. If you do wear heels but are not VERY comfortable in them, then don't wear them - they would just cause you more stress and discomfort.

If you are a little superstitious , wear some jewelry that has meaning to you, as a protective amulet .

Most importantly, remember that it is not YOU AGAINST THEM. It is not you, the only socially anxious person, against a bunch of gregarious "life of the party" types. People would be everywhere on the spectrum, and some, as socially anxious as you are.

[wing]

new to this,

Thanks for the helpful and practical advice. Reading your post gave me some confidence that I can possibly handle this. Those are some good ways to get myself psyched. They all seem to make sense and I'll read them again before I go. My mindset has definitely improved thanks to your tips. I'll read them again before I go.

I, too, have skipped MANY important events, and am tired of being conspicuously absent.

[wing]

Bipolar Nurse,

I can see that you have been in this position before. Staying home is not an option for me because these people are neighbors and co-workers that I have to see more than just this party and my husband will be upset if I don't go. We moved recently. I am really lonely, and been burned before trying to make friends so I'm setting my expectations low and want to get out of of my comfort zone because I might possibly meet some people I'll feel comfortable with. I appreciate you sharing your experience. I have read your blog. You are an open, wise person.

[wing]

hamster, I love the idea of massage. One of the things that helps me calm down, weird as it is, is brushing my hair. I guess that's a form of massage. When I get tense I'll remember this, and go to the rest room to brush my hair. My husband will be thrilled if I want to get there on time for a change. Makes sense to meet a few people at a time as they come in. These are annual events, and hopefully be a jump start to avoid other events I've skipped in the past because I don't know anyone.

[wing]

Thanks so much to each of you. BTW, I got the date wrong, the first party is tomorrow, not today. Plenty of time to absorb and rehearse some lines to use. I upped my anti-psychotic last night, so thankfully have another night for it to kick in. I'm going to reread this thread several times today.

[wing]

Originally Posted by jesusplay

My bipolar depression has killed my anxiety disorder.

Sorry to hear that you are depressed, jesusplay. My depressions are pretty infrequent. I get mania and paranoia, which both feed into my insecurity. I hope you hang in there and pull out of it soon.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wing

hamster, I love the idea of massage. One of the things that helps me calm down, weird as it is, is brushing my hair. I guess that's a form of massage. When I get tense I'll remember this, and go to the rest room to brush my hair. My husband will be thrilled if I want to get there on time for a change. Makes sense to meet a few people at a time as they come in. These are annual events, and hopefully be a jump start to avoid other events I've skipped in the past because I don't know anyone.

I just got this, on the recommendation of my hairdresser. It is so worth the 15 bucks it costs!

Michel Mercier Professional Detangling Hair Brush Normal Green | Walgreens

They also have this brush for thick hair and for fine hair. It reduces the loss of hair from brushing and also feels supreme.

Another thing that helps me is SKINTELLIGENCE daily moisture enhancer. I don't use it regularly, but just put it on before I leave my apartment to go to something important (an interview, eg). It is weightless and gives the skin on my face the feeling of cooling freshness that translates in my mind into: "I am ready for everything". The bottle - 4 fl oz - costs 23 dollars and if used occasionally lasts for 6 months.

I also chew Xylitol gum (it is soothing AND helps prevent cavities - epic dental is the company I buy it from) in the car on the way to an event as well as rinse with Xylitol mouthwash (from the same company) before I leave for something important. The mintiness (is there such a word?) is refreshing (which, again, translates into the "I am ready for everything" feeling) and the rhythm of and being occupied with chewing is very grounding. I have come up with these tricks on my own, but later, I read that chewing gum stimulates brain activity!

My anxiety is of a different type than yours - it is not social but physiological (even though I have the dx of GAD, I can present to a meeting and talk to strangers and all the rest of that, but if I am stressed out, I would be unable to ingest food - that kind of thing), but I think that the tips and tricks and workarounds and little perk-me-ups are fairly universal across different flavors of GAD.

[wing]

Made it through the party and actually made just a few faux pas. I also had several people talk to me and I think I acted ok.

Thanks to all who posted. The next one will be a breeze l. Having some success under my belt gives me confidence for the next social occasion, and I thank you for the tips.

[newtothis31]

That's awesome, wing! I'm glad to hear that you handled it so well! You should be really proud of yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

Wing,

I am glad it went well and I think you mentioned something really insightful in the middle of the thread.

You said that your absences from such functions at H's job were conspicuous.

I agree that the situation is asymmetrical.

All you need to do is show up and not have spinach on your teeth. You are not aiming to be in the top 5% of people who are very gregarious. You are just trying not to be conspicuously absent. You are trying to be part of 95% who show up and behave appropriately without being the life of a party. And you are succeeding in it! And success breeds success - as you said, next time it will be easier!

[Imah]

Bipolar 1, anxiety, and recovering agoraphobia -

During parties - prepare basic speech and move from group to group. Walking thru a party seeming to go to speak to someone, or having short chats I feel less exposed then sitting still. (write normal sounding responses to basic questions today, to prepare).

I practice looking at the eyes, or the eye area if need be, and listen to my own voice. (try this now - speak with a little more depth in your voice, and slow it down - it seems to add sincerity when I could care less, because I am personally thinking only of myself while I calmly am screaming inside my head and trying to hide it from you. It also actually triggers a calming response mechanism inside of me.

Most especially, I use muscle tension - I hang my arms very loosly, and squeeze my hands tight. Or squeeze my calves if sitting. My anxiety feels like wild, unleashed flurries, but if I bundle it up, and grip it in one hidden muscle (be careful not to make a cramp) that helps contain it.

I also play with my fingers, thumb to each 4 fingers under a table, faster and faster- but this doesnt work as good as squeezing muscles.

Late post, but I hope it helps anyone.

[bipolar gemini]

lately, repeating to myself "this is reality, i have to be here" in the moment to stop the bad/anxious thoughts has helped. try to stop them in their path and focus on the positive..that you made it there already, half way done.