Afraid

Just curious about this topic. Have any of you ever been afraid of yourself because of what your BP might make you do? I know that when I'm on one side or the other I make bad decisions and then have to pick up the pieces so I worry about what the next stupid thing I will do will be.

All the time! You are not alone.

Have any of you ever been afraid of yourself because of what your BP might make you do? Yes, especially when I have intrusive thoughts.

Yes, I think it's a very common problem for most all Bipolar people.

Yes, during my last episode I was so irritable I could see myself hurting my son, which is why I went to my pdoc ASAP and didn't fight when she recommended hospitalization. The intrusive thoughts I get are just awful and scare the crap out of me.

I'm not afraid of what it will make me do. I am afraid of things that might start an episode.

Yes, things can seem like such a good idea at the time...

yes. I actually almost blew it last night bigtime. I'm currently hypomanic and flew into a crazy minirage last night. Started a huge fight with my fiance for no reason bc I had been experiencing obsessive jealous thoughts over his past for the last several days. Poor guy had done nothing. I was dropping F bombs all over the place. Told him I was moving back across country, the engagement was off etc etc. He in turn said fine, he was done living with all this BS, couldn't take it anymore and so on.
So this morning I had to suck it up and apologize, started crying, tried explaining for the umpteenth time what it feels like to have bipolar . . .
Luckily he forgave me, but there is a tension in the air.
He told me that I sabotage all that is good in my life for no reason. That I "Destroy everything good in your life with selfish acts and careless priority"
hmmm. sound familiar?

It all sounds very familiar. I've lost jobs from trying to work manic. I scared one of my friends that I was staying with that she moved all sharp objects (including butter knives) into her room so I couldn't get to them. My aunt refused to talk to me for over a year at one point because I kept "lying" to her about how I felt. Another friend told me I was making bad decisions and she wouldn't stay around to see what happened. This last weekend I let loose on someone I know and ended up curled in a dark place crying for hours. There seems to be no end to the harm I can inflict on those around me.

I'm terrified of trying to work, and the thought of my kids seeing me at either end of the spectrum kills me. Now that I understand psychosis a little better, I recognize that's what I'd been experiencing in the workplace. No wonder I was quitting so many jobs!

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I hate this disease. But I love feeling like I'm not alone anymore. I just joined a couple of days ago. I know I'm 'crazy' but it's nice to see that so many of struggle with the same issues. For years now I've battled this on my own. At the very least, I've found a place to get some of this inner frustration out in the open. Thank you!

Have you considered getting a 2nd opinion on your dx's? from what you are saying this anger and rapid acceleration into same might be switching to another personality..."i know when i'm on one side or the other"...from experience, we can be aware when we are not driving, just a passenger. Its is truely scary that you know you might hurt someone. You are on a plethera of meds and seeing some type of medical professional and the core issue is costing you jobs. and relationships. Something else to consider is that aggressiveness can be a side effect for some medications, more so when the medications may be interacting with each other. Just something to consider. Good luck and be well, peace.