[Curiosity77]

I went to see my pdoc last week, and we had kind of a weird conversation. She usually just asks about the last month, moods, sleep, med effects, then gives me some kind of advice and we are done, in usually 10-15 minutes.

So I'm nearing the end of 3 years of monitoring at work because i had a mixed episode where i did a bunch of drugs in a semi-suicide/not care if i live through it kind of way, and ended up in hospital. Because of the type of drugs i used, the hospital called the addictions doc, who met with me and diagnosed addiction, even though the drug use was only for 3 days. The reason for this was because 13 years before that, i went through a period of drug addiction, which started with soft drugs at age 13, and ended with hard drugs at age 20. I was totally clean for 6 years after that, completed my undergrad and started working as a nurse. Then started to drink socially, and had no issue with it for the next 7ish years. Got my masters during that time. So then i had this mood episode, relapsed on the hard drugs for 3 days, and boom, rediagnosed an addict and got my license suspended, even though i had been on a medical leave and not working anyway. So after 3 weeks in hospital i had to do 5 weeks in rehab, and then 3 years of monitoring with random urine drug screens, forced meeting with a case manager and employee health, forced 12 step meetings, and forced med compliance (must see pdoc monthly and she has to sign a form saying i am stable and on meds). Anyways, this finally ends in May. My pdoc thinks it was unfair because the drug use happened during an episode as part of the impulsivity of the episode, and i think it was very unfair too. I wasn't planning to use drugs again anyway, and i wanted treatment for my bipolar.

So fast forward to now, it's almost over, and pdoc wants to know what happens after that. I think i will try to drink socially, and if it causes me any problems i will quit and be sober, and no plan to use drugs. She supports that plan totally. So she asked me to tell her about my addiction in my teens because we never talk about it, and what finally made me quit. So i told her a couple of pretty awful stories from the end that sent me into rehab at 20. She said that sounded terrifying, and i should talk to kids to scare them straight. I said i don't want to do that, because i don't think you can scare kids straight. Besides, i work in a mental health and addictions program for youth, so i talk to kids about this stuff all the time, i just don't tell them about my experiences. That was many years ago, and was a dark time, and not how i self-identify now.

The thing that was ironic is that i have been thinking of coming out and talking or writing about my experiences with bipolar to help others, especially other health care professionals, but i hadn't told her that. And she brought this up, which gave me a lot of shame that this is how she thinks of me. Then she says to remember that if i use hard drugs again it's very dangerous (um, obviously!) - pretty insulting that she thinks she needs to tell me that. So i told her that i know, and that when i used them 3 years ago i wasn't planning to live through it, so i didn't care about the consequences. She didn't say anything after that.

I tie all the drug use in my teens to untreated bipolar instability, and that's what i really feel i have fought to overcome. So her reaction hurt my feelings, and made me feel vulnerable, and i left and just tried to forget about it. Maybe i shouldn't talk to anyone about any of this, because no one understands, and it's all stereotypes and assumptions, which gives me internalized stigma.

Was my reaction to all of this normal or over sensitive? I feel judged, even though that's not what she intended. But judged by her, and judged by the system that has been monitoring and controlling me for 3 years.

I just want to get away from all of it. I don't want to be a patient anymore. Feeling so done.

[kaliope]

i am unclear as to what you interpreted her perception of you to be, that you felt shame over. regarless, your feelings are valid. feelings are always valid.

i dont know if i am off base here, but what i get from this is that you are not an addict and do not wish to be perceived that way. sure, you may have partied hard, but you were self medicating a unaddressed mental health issue. not the same.

i see a difference there. i drank very heavily for a few years in my teens. quit then for a couple more years then got sober and was so for 13 years before i started drinking socially. I looked like the classic alcoholic. i had black outs, but i was drinking specifically to black out. i needed to shut down what was going on in my mind. i rarely drink today. ive got vodka in my fridge ive had for two years. i will be majorly stressed and think how much i need a drink then got home and totally forget i was going to have one. NOt an alcoholic. '

i am sorry that you have had this struggle going on in your life and are made to feel this way. take care.

[gayleggg]

I can see how you would be sensitive about being judged, it sounds like you were treated harshly. If I were you I think I would just not try to make a decision just yet. Maybe give it some thought and make a list of the pros and cons.

I know I have spoke out about being bipolar and have had mixed reactions. Some supportive and some just distancing themselves from me. I've been lucky and haven't been confronted harshly but we take the chance of being judged when we open up. Just make sure you have yourself in a strong place so that if your openness is met with hostility or other negative feedback that you are prepared for it and that it not bring you down.

Congratulations on finishing your monitoring and other stipulations.

[Velouria]

Wait, so do you feel like she doesn't trust your judgment?

I quit drinking and doing drugs 5.5 years ago and unfortunately, many doctors do seem to treat addicts and alcoholics that way. They always feel the need to remind you that you're "powerless." And it is insulting. My take on it is I'm powerless once I start drinking or doing drugs, but not before.

Also, I think it would be good to share your stories, even the terrible ones, from your teens with the kids you work with, not to "scare them straight," but to give them something to identify with, and to know you've been there and understand where they're coming from.

[Tucson]

The pdoc may have been covering her butt both legally and ethically.

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i am unclear as to what you interpreted her perception of you to be, that you felt shame over. regarless, your feelings are valid. feelings are always valid.


i dont know if i am off base here, but what i get from this is that you are not an addict and do not wish to be perceived that way. sure, you may have partied hard, but you were self medicating a unaddressed mental health issue. not the same.


i see a difference there. i drank very heavily for a few years in my teens. quit then for a couple more years then got sober and was so for 13 years before i started drinking socially. I looked like the classic alcoholic. i had black outs, but i was drinking specifically to black out. i needed to shut down what was going on in my mind. i rarely drink today. ive got vodka in my fridge ive had for two years. i will be majorly stressed and think how much i need a drink then got home and totally forget i was going to have one. NOt an alcoholic. '


i am sorry that you have had this struggle going on in your life and are made to feel this way. take care.

I'm unclear why i felt judged too, but that's what it felt like. Like she had fit me into some sort of reductionist category of people, when i see myself differently. She has said all along that she doesn't view me as substance dependent, but instead in long term recovery with a little blip while unwell. So this felt like she was viewing me that way, and it bothers me. So many things have happened over the years with this illness, and some make sense to me and some don't. But i view myself as a survivor of the mental health system, because overall it has probably caused me at least equal, if not more harm than good. Maybe that's not true, but that's how it feels right now. That i've been taught to label myself by disorder, and i've been told what i can and cannot do. And those limitations aren't necessarily true. Kids could probably benefit from hearing my story, but i don't want to be seen as some sort of interesting specimen by anyone. I think most of this reaction is just misplaced anger towards the system of monitoring for work, which isn't really fair to project on my pdoc, because she was just asking questions. 3 months and 3 weeks remain, and i'll see how i feel then. I'm sure it will feel a lot better than it does now.

[Mental reward]

Hey, I totally empathize with your situation. You're in a spot now where the duration of all of this forces monitoring and enormous amount of control over your life and well being is about to come to a close. I can imagine that must bring on so many different feelings reflecting on everything you have accomplished, endured, and how you want to reclaim your personal choices in health matters, and really very personal ones too..such as socially drinking. It will feel good to not be under so much watch at all times, but I can understand why what she said made you feel the way it did. Ultimately people judge, and by those judgements dole out advice, information, behavior, all based on there perception of what's going on. In that particular situation it seems like she just treated you as a patient. Which often in many situations is not being treated as an equal. Which, sucks, and feels really terrible. Especially when your looking for feelings of trust, encouragement maybe outside of ****ed up things that happened. Because those things aren't all of you!

It seems like your about to have a breath of fresh air, lots, and your life back on your terms. Congrats girl. From all you seem to care about I hope you get to have a little chill fun, take time to come with some constructive ways to share yourself and if being bipolar can be a part of you that you share too, that would be awesome! Once your in the ear and not feeling scrutinized again because your about to have your freedom again, other negative emotions and states of being caused by this experience will also fade. You should feel so proud of yourself!!!

[sweetie_7]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I went to see my pdoc last week, and we had kind of a weird conversation. She usually just asks about the last month, moods, sleep, med effects, then gives me some kind of advice and we are done, in usually 10-15 minutes.

So I'm nearing the end of 3 years of monitoring at work because i had a mixed episode where i did a bunch of drugs in a semi-suicide/not care if i live through it kind of way, and ended up in hospital. Because of the type of drugs i used, the hospital called the addictions doc, who met with me and diagnosed addiction, even though the drug use was only for 3 days. The reason for this was because 13 years before that, i went through a period of drug addiction, which started with soft drugs at age 13, and ended with hard drugs at age 20. I was totally clean for 6 years after that, completed my undergrad and started working as a nurse. Then started to drink socially, and had no issue with it for the next 7ish years. Got my masters during that time. So then i had this mood episode, relapsed on the hard drugs for 3 days, and boom, rediagnosed an addict and got my license suspended, even though i had been on a medical leave and not working anyway. So after 3 weeks in hospital i had to do 5 weeks in rehab, and then 3 years of monitoring with random urine drug screens, forced meeting with a case manager and employee health, forced 12 step meetings, and forced med compliance (must see pdoc monthly and she has to sign a form saying i am stable and on meds). Anyways, this finally ends in May. My pdoc thinks it was unfair because the drug use happened during an episode as part of the impulsivity of the episode, and i think it was very unfair too. I wasn't planning to use drugs again anyway, and i wanted treatment for my bipolar.

So fast forward to now, it's almost over, and pdoc wants to know what happens after that. I think i will try to drink socially, and if it causes me any problems i will quit and be sober, and no plan to use drugs. She supports that plan totally. So she asked me to tell her about my addiction in my teens because we never talk about it, and what finally made me quit. So i told her a couple of pretty awful stories from the end that sent me into rehab at 20. She said that sounded terrifying, and i should talk to kids to scare them straight. I said i don't want to do that, because i don't think you can scare kids straight. Besides, i work in a mental health and addictions program for youth, so i talk to kids about this stuff all the time, i just don't tell them about my experiences. That was many years ago, and was a dark time, and not how i self-identify now.

The thing that was ironic is that i have been thinking of coming out and talking or writing about my experiences with bipolar to help others, especially other health care professionals, but i hadn't told her that. And she brought this up, which gave me a lot of shame that this is how she thinks of me. Then she says to remember that if i use hard drugs again it's very dangerous (um, obviously!) - pretty insulting that she thinks she needs to tell me that. So i told her that i know, and that when i used them 3 years ago i wasn't planning to live through it, so i didn't care about the consequences. She didn't say anything after that.

I tie all the drug use in my teens to untreated bipolar instability, and that's what i really feel i have fought to overcome. So her reaction hurt my feelings, and made me feel vulnerable, and i left and just tried to forget about it. Maybe i shouldn't talk to anyone about any of this, because no one understands, and it's all stereotypes and assumptions, which gives me internalized stigma.

Was my reaction to all of this normal or over sensitive? I feel judged, even though that's not what she intended. But judged by her, and judged by the system that has been monitoring and controlling me for 3 years.

I just want to get away from all of it. I don't want to be a patient anymore. Feeling so done.

I work in mental health. A co worker of mine struggled many years with various addictions and often shares this with others in trying to help. She often projects her motivations on the people she is trying to help lumping all addicts as one in the "addict mind"
It could be that as a health professional your pdoc was doing the same either intentionally or not.
I think society has an idea of what an addict looks like. It's a weak irresponsible loser incapable of getting a master's degree or becoming a nurse so maybe that's why you felt the way you did.
This Co worker is very open about her past and can be overbearing but I believe she is helping others with addictions because she openly relates.
Not sure if this helps you or not

[Hexagram]

I don't blame you for feeling hurt by her reaction. The conventional unwisdom of "Once a user, always an addict" is reductionist and frustrating.

[Victoria'smom]

Will you continue treatment with her or will you find someone new?

[Curiosity77]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Will you continue treatment with her or will you find someone new?

I don't know. She's been my doctor for 5 years, so she knows me and i know she cares. But we have pretty different philosophies about taking medications, and she didn't listen to me when i wanted to come off saphris. Also it's really hard to find a pdoc where i live, and there are long waiting lists. Which is even harder for me, because i work in community mental health so have to see someone outside the usual routes through the private system and not the community mental health team, so
that makes it even harder. But i've been lying to her about being off saphris since August, because i could get in trouble for noncompliance, so i think she would be angry with me if i told her the truth at this point. I've really let things get complicated... I will probably stay with her.... My friend who is a pdoc asked me who i see, and when i told him he was really surprised and said, "really? She is a pure psychopharmacologist, but i guess that's ok if that's all you are seeing her for." I should have asked him to recommend someone else, but i don't really want to bring it up again. Plus my GP really likes and trusts her. She is a really good pdoc, just quite different from me as a person, so i don't think she really understands me on an existential level.

Haha, long answer