[kaliope]

so my ptsd was triggered major which in turns triggers my mania. ive been stable a long time. now i have been manic minxed for a couple months. i had to get off my AP due to TD which is what was keeping me totally stable for so long and we havent found a replacement. things are seriously getting out of control. i have spent thousands. this weekend has been bad. i just redocorated my apartment in the last couple hours when i only went to the store to buy some baskets to put some scarfs in. now i have crashed. i accidentently stabbed myself on a sharp objecct and before i saw the damange i envisioned a giant gapping wound that would require a trip to the ER. and i thought how nice that would be to just stay in the hospital. be someplace safe before i do anymore damage to my bank account. relax, get away from it all. it was so appealing. i wanted it so badly. i just lost it. the desire was so strong. i texted all those friends who said call any time and recived no response. i just kept visualizing the safety and security of the hsopital. so i called to see what it would take. they dont check people in in the middle of the night. i could go tothe ER and wait till morning. like i want to wait in the er all night? so then i asked wht inpatient would offer me. it doesnt sound like anything outpatient could offer me. they cant stabilize me anymore than my pdoc can. why does thins have to be such a mess.

[Victoria'smom]

IP can stabilize you faster while keeping you safe.

[Crazy Hitch]

((((kali))))

It's a difficult situation you're in at the moment.

Halfway up halfway down all over the place (I describe myself like up down sideways backwards backflips any hell way but straightforward when I'm mixed).

Yes, I can definitely see some behaviours coming through that would be indicative of your mixed state, and this happens, it does.

It's a pity you've been like this for a few months now and you're trying to get off your AP. I'm not suprised it's been so damn turbulent. On top of some external factors there have been psychiatric medication changes too.

Your personal safety is paramount. So I understand what you're saying with regards to waiting until the morning, (but don't force yourself to if you're reaching a point when you're beyond vulnerable....you don't have to).

As for your friends? They suck. Straight up. [Just whatsapp me lol]. You give so much Kali I can't possibly see why this is not reciprocated. It's not you. I'm sorry but it's actually their loss .... they don't know how much they're missing out on and I feel sorry for them. And sorry for you that they can't reciprocate. Doesn't make sense really. It honestly doesn't. A text and no response ... strange, that's them it's not you.

You are aware of some of the behaviours that are less than desirable and believe it or not that's actually a GOOD thing in the middle of an episode ...... now you need to put some measures in place to safeguard yourself against things like overspending (yikes who doesn't - can you set a daily budget or is this unrealistic?) .... gambling ... come on kali, hey, we all make mistakes, you can beat yourself up around the bush and dwell on it or make a firm commitment that you WILL not do this in this current episode, not now, not like this ..... it's impulse behaviour, easier said than done, sure, of course, now you've done it, you don't need to do it again.

You're also busy with different projects - it's a good thing if you need to find a way to invest excess energy by redecorating your aparatment, that's pretty harmless, keep doing it [UNLESS you are using money to go and purchase things to redecorate?.....or are you just moving furniture around lol let's get CI to help he has big muscles]

You can safeguard your bank account. Where do you keep your credit card? In your purse or something? Can you put it inside a little wrapped small envelope inside your purse or something? And on the envelope write in bold statements things you will NOT be taking your credit card out to use for .... GAMBLING (bam no no no) ..... IMPULSE BUYING ....

Do you have any relaxation apps to just chill out? Music? Kick back just escape the madness ... it's tempting to do this in hospital (oh please don't misinterpret me, if your safety is in any way in danger you GO to the hospital) but I'm just wondering what sort of mindful activities you can do whilst you are at home if you aren't admitted. Relaxing things. Don't do things that will get you wound up ..... hey look even I know that's easier said than done, it's easy to fall into activities that aren't necessarily good for us.

Don't spend the next few days in this mixed episode beating yourself up about some of the impulse things you've done over the last few days - NOT going to help you, move on, they can take another queue, somebodys answered that UA already, NEXT.....

Just focus on what you need to do moving forward.

Corny as hell what's done is done don't dwell on it.

Just put your best foot forward. And I know how cool your shoes look

You can do it.

Just take care of yourself and GO if you feel vulnerable, that's all.

Let us know how you go over the next few hours. Will be thinking of you

[kloonbloon28]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have also had the thought of "I just wish someone would hospitalize me. I could be alone and free of all my daily worries and I could feel taken care of." I believe people with bipolar are fixers of things (even when our "fixing" ends up hurting our selves or others.) We are constantly trying to fix an injured mind, our emotions, and our relationships. It seems nice sometimes to have someone take care of us for a change (the hospital) but in general what it would take to get there is extreme, so we try to keep our heads up and continue trying to fix. You seem like an amazing person who deserves the world (and better friends!) I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.

[gayleggg]

Sending you hugs, Kali. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all this! It's just gots to be horrible! Are you in a position to go IP? What is TD? I hope you are taking steps to make things better. Thinking of you.

[avlady]

i'll be praying for you, i hope you feel better!!!

[kaliope]

thank you all...........i am not in a position to go IP.....i went to work today just to see if i could take monday off and i cant even cancel some of those clients. i am booked solid all week. my insurance only covers three days and i dont see what they can do in three days. contacted my t and she is seeing me tonight and three times next week and i see pdoc too. TD is tartive dyskenesia. i feel much better today. except about my friends. not a one has texted me back yet. and two who said they would come help me today has followed thru even though i have contacted them to see if they were coming. brats.