Does it even matter?

I guess I have been down for a few days. Not for the whole day, but for a majority of the day. I've been hesitant to call it an episode because I've been normal feeling for a few hours during the day, so I can't be depressed, right?

But I've also been super tired. I called out of work twice this week. I slept until 1 pm on one of the days. And it wasn't even that I was tired, I just felt too anxious to get out of bed. When I woke up on Tuesday I was gripped with an anxiety attack at the thought of going to work. Which is why I called out. I just feel worthless as a teacher, and I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do work. Like I'm letting my IEPs and I'm gonna be super stressed when the meetings start coming up.

I don't want to play with my son but I'm forcing myself to because my mom never played with me and I don't want to be like that.

Today has been the worst day out of all of them. I woke up excited for Friday so I was happy but it wasn't too long before I was just worn out. Not necessarily depressed but I wanted to go home and go back to sleep just to get away from the world. I doubted myself all day and my consultant mentioned scheduling my evaluation and I was just like it won't matter, I'm gonna fail. I'm also irritated today. Just in my head. Like I walked by my social worker director and called him a stuffy old bastard in my head...he didn't even do anything or say anything to me, I just hate everybody today.

I'm so tired and I just want the freedom to be me but my husband is like "what's your problem. Why are you depressed? Like I have an answer. So I said I had a long day at work and he just said "well you're home now. Stop thinking about it and dwelling on it" like that wi make me feel happy again. Yup I'll just stop thinking. I'm more worried about our financial situation. It's pretty bad with just me working.

I'm not depressed I iust hate everyone and want to go to sleep. Pretty strong SI urges today too, but not uncontrollable.m

Does it even matter? Who cares. Even if I am depressed it really doesn't matter. It's much better than it used to be so really who the **** cares. I don't. I can't fix it. I'll never be stable for long periods of time. This is as good as it gets. And I don't even get the awesome highs. I feel robbed.

I'm just rambling. Don't even know why I posted. Thanks guys.

I am sorry you're depressed again. When is your pdoc & t appointment?

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm also sorry that your husband doesn't seem to understand your mental illness. I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to retreat from life as that is what I've been doing for the past couple months. I hope things get better for you soon.

I don't think I'm depressed. I think im just having a down time. T is March tenth and pdoc is March thirteenth. I've missed my last two T appts. I forgot one and my husband hurt his back and couldn't take care of our son for the second. I don't really like my T anyway. He's super awkward. And I'm pretty awkward.

I'll run out of wellbutrin before I see my pdoc but I really don't care about that either. I'll only be out for a week or two. What difference does it make anyway.

Thanks MM. I hope you're feeling a bit better.

I really don't get why he doesn't get it. Just a month ago I was comforting him in his own depression while he tried to get his prozac increased. I didn't tell him to stop thinking or anything like that. I just said hold on it'll get better. He has depression! Why does he bother me about it?

Perhaps he can't be sensitive because he's dealing with his own issues? I know I can be insensitive to others unintentionally at times when I am caught up in an episode.

I don't know what your dealing with or have any kind, wise words to lift your spirits,..but I really hope you get to feeling better.. by the way it does matter , please take care of yourself....

((((wildflowerchild))))

I am sorry to hear that you are having a bit of a down time.

Hang in there.

This too shall pass.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Take care of yourself.

So sorry you're having such a rough time-please try & keep your appointments-if your tdoc is not a good fit there are many out there. We care about you & I'm sure if you call your pdoc they will refill your Rx til your next appointment-take care,

Honestly I don't think this is Bipolar yanking your chain ,,I think its just your life right now , its a mess.. Your hubby's addiction , your job, your financially in a hellish struggle, You are trying to do everything , lots of balls to keep up in the air and not on the ground. Of course your questioning .. Is this as good as it will get? I know I would be asking myself this.

Is there a reason your husband isn't working right now? Is he keeping up on his responsibility in your marriage ? no he isn't , he's not being supportive. Can you have a talk with him about how his remarks are not helping you in fact are making you feel even worse.

I think it's great that even though you have no desire to play with your son , your doing it anyway because you didn't get that.. This is a huge thing . So pat yourself on the back, Don't allow your mind to walk you into a corner.

Do what you can, no more. Do only what has to be done. Please be kind to yourself and if needing to sleep more to be able to manage all the must do's then sleep.

I think you're right Christina. That's why I'm not calling it a depressed episode. I'm stressed and winter doesn't help. The last thing i want to do is sit in the house all day and brood but it's only going to be 25 degrees out today and we can't afford to do anything. I'm gonna try and see if my sister in law wants to hang out or something.

My husband was laid off right after Christmas. He's trying like hell to find another job, he's had like 15 interviews. He always makes it to the second interview and then they go with someone else. He's going to start applying to gas stations and stuff just to get something. He's doing well with his addiction. He did take Vicodin for his back but I'm holding them and only giving him one a day - and I take them with me to work so I know he's not taking more.

I think I do have to talk to him. I think the main problem is I'm not being honest - I keep saying that I'm just fine when I'm slightly down and worried about everything. And he's scared. For the past two years when I've gotten depressed it's led to crazy manic episodes and hospitalizations. So he doesn't want to hear I'm down right now. I should talk to him and reassure him that it's not that bad.



So that just shows I am sooooooo much better than I used to be. I have to remember that. This is just a little bump in the road and I will feel better once my husband has a job and we can start paying our bills again. I'll also feel better when I start applying for new jobs. I'm stressed about that too. Hopefully districts start posting jobs soon, I'll make so much more money in a public school and I won't get cursed at on a daily basis. No more violence in the classroom!

I just have to get through until Wednesday, it will be 56 degrees on Wednesday!

Absolutely plagued by SI thoughts today. I wish I had never started. Then it wouldn't be my default stress reaction.

Had a fragile day - felt like crying/did cry the whole day. Last month when I had a down spell it got better after the fragile day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I can totally relate to the SH thoughts. It was my default for so long its so had not to go back to it. Hold in there. We're thinking of you and I am sending best wishes from Australia.

It matters because it's how you feel. Does it mattering change anything? No. Take good care of your sons mother. You're worth it to go see the Dr, yet again, and take the time you need to feel better again. A couple weeks of tweaking meds and good rest is better than suicidal or mental break in the hosp. Hugs

Be easy on yourself.. Hitting the "fragile zone" is just exhausting. Treat yourself to something , just for YOU ! complete alone time (unless the house is literally on fire ..hubby can take your son. Long soak in a tub , you know anything that is just for you and serves no purpose , no cleaning etc, Just time for you to gift to yourself!