[Espurr1989]

This thread is for those who need to talk to someone about their intrusive thoughts. Sometimes it just helps knowing you are not alone.

I have two thought patterns circling currently.

1. Is that I can't pass the class I'm enrolled in now. I failed it once already last year because I became manic. I feel like there is something about this class that is triggering for me, but I can't figure it out. Counseling and Substance Abuse? On a wider scale I feel like I will be a terrible counselor, will hate my job, and it will wreck havoc on my mental health. And that is IF I can get past the training process.

2. Is that I am in love with my husband's best friend. This one comes and goes, but was the main thing that led to my first manic phase. I just want to stop thinking about it, but as long as he's over at our house several times a week, it's going to continue to be a problem. I've tried to think of him as the big brother I've always wanted but never had, but it feels like my husband is even jealous of that, and uses it to tear me down. I don't want to hurt my husband, but my feelings are what they are. I just love them both so much. I can't understand why that is so wrong. I want to hug him, hold him, he calms me down every time he's near and he was the only one who 'got' me in the middle of mania, but I know that it's never going to be that way. I tried being honest with my husband about it but he shot me down, which I suppose is no surprise living in the society that we do. It just hurts me so bad, I want to cut myself sometimes...I just want proof...to be able to see and to show how much this hurts me. I'm trying to distract myself because it tends to blow over after a few weeks. I just feel like I'm holding on to a tree in a hurricane trying not to be blown away right now.

I feel like the more i give to others in need, the less appreciatie people are. i feel like people suck the lifeforce out of you waiting for you to meet your demise. people cause intrusive thinking.

[lunaticfringe]

Thanks for this thread.

I hope you're able to pass your class despite your current thought pattern.

I am going through something similar to you in that I am in love with or infatuated with someone other than my wonderful and supporting fiance. Currently and for the past few years my intrusive thoughts have been centered around this other guy and I've been highly compelled to see him or contact him. We already have quite a history and I've made some really stupid decisions fueled by the desire to be with him. I've been honest with my fiance about it and he is really understanding. He knows that I recognize this as part of my illness. It concerns me that these thoughts will cause me to do more things to damage my relationship, and battling against them every day is so painful.

It is so troubling to me that because I'm bipolar, I develop intense feelings for people that end up being really problematic.

Also lately I have been having thoughts like "what is the point of living anyway?" and that my reputation is tainted and I'm a worthless human being. I also am constantly wondering if people can tell there's something wrong with me.

[wiretwister]

MAY BE TRIGGER:...even thou the full blown depression and constant desire for suicide has gone thanks to the lamictal ,, I still find the constant desire to not wake up, to just end it all except not at my own hand.,I see myself falling and cracking my head open, the truck that takes my car out, the industrial accident,, except I fear the pain,,and the pain is all I dread not the end..These thoughts never leave me......

[HALLIEBETH87]

May trigger
******************

Sometimes I don't want to be here-even when I'm not depressed.

I sometimes obsess about overdosing and I research different meds and how much to take etc.

[ingill]

Lately - that if I were to kill myself while I was home alone, my dog would probably chew my feet off and my husband probably wouldn't be able to keep the dog after that. I'm not suicidal or even depressed, but the thought just keeps popping into my head.

[BP2014]

Originally Posted by ingill

Lately - that if I were to kill myself while I was home alone, my dog would probably chew my feet off and my husband probably wouldn't be able to keep the dog after that. I'm not suicidal or even depressed, but the thought just keeps popping into my head.

Not sure where that is coming from? I was on Depakote for a while and it was really bad to invoke some weird thoughts...I suspect it was a mixed state. Anyhow, changing meds for me stopped those thoughts. Just my opinion, but I think some meds increase suicidal thoughts..(Read the disclaimers) it states it on most meds. And to make it worse, if you are taking multiple meds it makes it harder to figure out which one is causing it. I never had suicidal thoughts outside of medicine.

[TimelessMiracle]

I keep thinking that my teacher thinks of me sexually (nothing has happened to me such as molestation or rape in the past so I don't know why this thought keeps popping up) everyday I see him in my class. So I wrote the thought down In a small notebook and tried challenging it (writing down how I'll never actually know what he thinks about, Ect.) But unsurprisingly I lost it in the band room in my school, somewhere, (it's a huge room) and the location where I last had it is also close to his office so I keep thinking that he found it and read through it and now every time I see him in class I keep thinking that he must think I'm crazy, he must feel extremely uncomfortable, etc. every single day of the school week. I know that this thought could be true or not but I'll never actually know (unless I actually ask him myself) but it keeps popping up and it drives me insane...

[ingill]

There have been a couple things posted recently on reddit about how dogs will nudge your feet to try to wake you up, then lick them, and eventually chew them up if you don't respond. I've been pretty hypomanic lately and that always ends up with me thinking that things I hear about are going to happen to me (even though obviously they won't).

[Crazy Hitch]

****POSSIBLE TRIGGER*******



I wouldn't suspect this to make a heck of a lot of sense



The angry man is yelling. I think I've figured it out. He doesn't want me to sleep. He is pretty harmless but somewhat frightning too when I am manic. But he is just sitting and waiting. Waiting like a waiting duck. Because he knows that straight after a manic episode I fall into depression. That is when the angry man becomes a dangerous man. HE BECOMES MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. He will tell me to kill myself. And a whole lot of other things inbetween. I will argue with him for a few days. But dangerous man usually wins when I am in deep depression. There's only so long you can keep listening to angry man telling you you are worthless and you think fine I'm done. You win. I'll show you. He's pretty scary. I only hear him when I'm way up in the clouds or severly depressed. Angry man never visits at all when I am stable. He's scary when I am manic. But he's dangerous when I am depressed. What is the worse of the two evils? I am not sure? I am glad he doesn't visit that often. I don't like him at all.

[lunaticfringe]

Lately when going to bed at night there is screaming and crying in my head, kind of in the background. The sound of a girl sobbing. A chorus of different voices. I am not hearing them, they are in my head. I can't always pinpoint what they are saying but one night there was a man's voice talking about killing people.

[gayleggg]

My intrusive thoughts are mainly about my being convinced I'm going to go broke and not have a place to live when I get older.

Possible trigger:

When I'm depressed my thoughts go to suicide and planning.