[Kymaro]

Well, I have a confession and I'm thinking it might even be a good/positive confession. A bit of history I cycle rapidly regularly. Mostly into hypo to hyper manic, A few depression stages hit me with in a given year. Which brings be me to my needing confirmation. I have been having rapid suicidal thoughts over the past week, they sneak into my thoughts faster than I even realize they are there. But in the end I find myself thinking of the consequences should I fail. Good right? Does this mean I am "thinking" it through? Is it a dangerous path? I pretty much have a large failure rate. A few serious, had a stranger not been there at the right time and place, I would not be here typing. Bottom line, how long should I hold on that the consequences are my central thoughts? I know what happens when I give up and decide the consequences are not enough to protect me or I even find a "for sure" way that I wont have to face them. (back ground: I'm on a pretty tight leash by my support system) But how will I know when that time is coming, and when should I seek hospitalization. I'm not sure if I am truly ready for it to end, In my dreams, I have been dying and I force myself to wake up, sweating and shaking and "SCARED". When should I throw in the red flag? And are there even odds that I will know when to throw the red flag?

[Becoming]

Have you let those around you know how you have been feeling?

When/if your urge becomes overwhelming (ex: you stop thinking of the consequences), you can immediately utilize online websites like crisis chat or if you're comfortable with a phone-and I haven't tried a hotline yet so I don't know how they are- you can try a crisis hotline. Also, if you have a therapist or pdoc who is on call or if their practice takes calls after hours, you could speak with them too.

I suggest writing up a plan on what you'll do to keep yourself safe. Have someone help you or if you can ride it out, write it in a non-symptomatic phase.



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[Victoria'smom]

I'd do it now as you want help.

[gayleggg]

Right now my husband is aware of how I'm doing but when I get depressed I usually quit communicating. So I have to be especially honest with my pdoc and therapist so they are aware of how I'm doing. That's my plan so far. I have their numbers if I need them.

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[Kymaro]

Thank you all -
After your responses I did find the courage to tell my husband (my biggest supporter and we have good communication skills for my bipolar). He wants to take me in, but I'v made a promise that should my thoughts get worse or if my thoughts start to change: consequences become less important OR I start finding myself thinking of ways to get "around the consequences". I will tell him immediately .His trust in me is soo important to me, I don't want to EVERY willing loose that. I'm on a very tight leash now..which is a small price to pay compared to being admitted. So far the thoughts are still there but I have now been able to find more and more things to distract myself. My husband has been very faithful in making sure my medications are taken regularly and he talks to me several times a day on where I am. I have a "body guard" now which helps with distracting myself. (I'm not left alone). I haven't told my pdoc or T because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be leaving the office by choice. I have made sure the crisis number is on speed dial on our phones. Thank you for supporting me, it almost feels better that I have "told" someone, instead of keeping it locked away.

~ Becoming; what website (besides here) are you talking about?

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by Kymaro

Thank you all -
After your responses I did find the courage to tell my husband (my biggest supporter and we have good communication skills for my bipolar). He wants to take me in, but I'v made a promise that should my thoughts get worse or if my thoughts start to change: consequences become less important OR I start finding myself thinking of ways to get "around the consequences". I will tell him immediately .His trust in me is soo important to me, I don't want to EVERY willing loose that. I'm on a very tight leash now..which is a small price to pay compared to being admitted. So far the thoughts are still there but I have now been able to find more and more things to distract myself. My husband has been very faithful in making sure my medications are taken regularly and he talks to me several times a day on where I am. I have a "body guard" now which helps with distracting myself. (I'm not left alone). I haven't told my pdoc or T because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be leaving the office by choice. I have made sure the crisis number is on speed dial on our phones. Thank you for supporting me, it almost feels better that I have "told" someone, instead of keeping it locked away.

~ Becoming; what website (besides here) are you talking about?

Glad to know you have him for support! =)

CrisisChat - Home It's not 24/7 but if you are really in need to talk to someone and nobody else is available, it's very helpful. I've used it before when people were busy or when I just figured they'd be tired of me continuing to vent about the same things again and again.

[Crazy Hitch]

((((Kymaro))))

Kudos to you for finding the courage to speak to your husband.

Keep speaking to him please and remain honest.

I know how much you value his trust.

[~Christina]

Good for you for telling your husband how your feeling and how these thoughts are invading and your concerned. I deal with suicidal thinking very often, its just my particular version of Bipolar

Working with my T we have come up with a safety plan. Its a list of questions and reminders to use mindfulness and self grounding. If I can't work down the list and have a feeling of being okay then .. I talk to my husband about how I am feeling, just talking to another person is usually enough that I am able to take a step back and regroup, If I still am in the " unknown" I call my T. If I just can't step away from the thoughts and stay safe I will and have gone IP.

A couple times I really felt like I was okay and safe, My husband and T disagreed.. I trust them both so if one or the other feels I am not okay I usually go by what they think.

It's a thin line to walk.. Try and put as many hurdles as possible between you thinking and deciding how and making a plan...

Stay safe

[BP2014]

Originally Posted by Kymaro

Well, I have a confession and I'm thinking it might even be a good/positive confession. A bit of history I cycle rapidly regularly. Mostly into hypo to hyper manic, A few depression stages hit me with in a given year. Which brings be me to my needing confirmation. I have been having rapid suicidal thoughts over the past week, they sneak into my thoughts faster than I even realize they are there. But in the end I find myself thinking of the consequences should I fail. Good right? Does this mean I am "thinking" it through? Is it a dangerous path? I pretty much have a large failure rate. A few serious, had a stranger not been there at the right time and place, I would not be here typing. Bottom line, how long should I hold on that the consequences are my central thoughts? I know what happens when I give up and decide the consequences are not enough to protect me or I even find a "for sure" way that I wont have to face them. (back ground: I'm on a pretty tight leash by my support system) But how will I know when that time is coming, and when should I seek hospitalization. I'm not sure if I am truly ready for it to end, In my dreams, I have been dying and I force myself to wake up, sweating and shaking and "SCARED". When should I throw in the red flag? And are there even odds that I will know when to throw the red flag?

You should tell your doctor or counselor how you feel, mine says any homicidal or suicidal thoughts requires an immediate call to him. Thought that was a real compliment because he wants me to be around. Some of my family said to me that if you are that messed up then who cares if you die. (How F**** up is that!!!) So I avoid them like they plague. Especially important to be aware if you are changing dosage or medications as they can really come on quick. I struggled with this because I was on wrong medicine. I went thru a variety of meds, but also realized the anti-depressant (SSRI) threw me into a mixed state that made me think some crazy thoughts. I could go from relaxed to violent in a matter of minutes...scared myself a little. Lamictal really helped me and does not sedate me to the point I no longer want to be around. I am currently taking buspar(kicks the worry) along with lamictal and it really helps me. I feel depressed more than anything but I would rather tackle depression on my own than to have mixed states. With that being said, are you taking an SSRI with your other meds? Depo and SSRI had me feeling similar to what you are describing and it was simply the medication!!! I stopped taking the SSRI and requested Lamictal per suggestion of my counselor and it has really helped me!!! My wife doesn't see the difference but "I" can tell the difference and that is most important right now. I feel like I am slowly climbing out of this crap (learning to live with the new "ME"). I am learning to find something enjoyable during my extreme depression episodes. It can be something simple and I don't let anybody interrupt that because to me it is a lifesaver. If your thoughts start as something simple and continue to spiral, the medication needs to be changed. I am currently depressed but no longer have suicidal thoughts because of the right medication. Talk to your doctor as soon as possible. SSRI's with BP is dangerous in my opinion.

[Kymaro]

Update Hubby called pdoc and T behind my back (grrrr, but he has the right), they have added low dose of Zypexa while I go through this episode. I have "limited rights" right now. I basically feel so tired and drugged up, I pretty much sleep most of my days and nights away. I guess that's not so bad. Specially if that's the way to get through this. My T has been calling me every other day - and I've been in to see him twice now. All I keep telling my self - is "hang in there" this shall pass.

BP2014: I am unable to take SSRI due to my rapid cycling - they throw me into such a manic stage I become dangerous to myself and OTHERS.