I feel trapped

I feel trapped in a weird place. I have been working on improving my life for over a year now.

The issues i am running into:

I don't feel a connection with most of my friends. I am not anyone's " best friend" some have labelled me as such but their actions suggest otherwise.

I fear that I have that "play the victim" label. Whether I do or not,idk.

I have strong suicidal urges that I try to fight and I am doing so alone. I don't know how to stop them. My family knows about them but I don't think they care about it. I have had them for so long that they are just apart of me.

It's weird because they come on in waves. I was speaking to a bipołar person at work and they mentioned at this time every year the get depressed and check into a mental hospital for a week or two. My depression is spread out and comes in waves not in a defined period of time. So I can be collecting supplies for my demise one day and be happy the next. I feel stupid trying explain it to my therspist. I struggle to define it but after I communicate How I feel, nothing changes. Maybe they don't know how to help me. Maybe they don't believe me. Maybe they just don't care about helping me. If I were to go to a hospital I don't think they would believe me and/or be able to help me because by the next day I may be feeling normal again. I don't know how to come up with steps to correct the strong urges I get.

Dating-omg so complicated. I have avoided any kind of relationship or sexual encounter for 11 years! My brother decided a month ago that he wanted to start dating again and went out on a date Saturday. I have been trying to work up the courage for a year but I feel to ugly and so awkward. I am not sure I can fix any of this. I just feel so weird inside. I feel trapped. I just don't know how to help myself further. I sometimes wonder do I have bipołar 2, is this just a label they made up for insurance, maybe I am not " bipołar" maybe I just have poor coping skills.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. From your post it seems that you are depressed, but I can understand being that way one day and being fine the next.

My counselor does think I cycle with the seasons, but I can go down at anytime and come back up just as quick. I take meds that help me stay somewhere in between but sometimes they don't entirely do the job, leaving me in limbo.

I don't think I have any friends either take understand just how confusing it can be. At least, my pdoc and therapist do seem to understand, but when I'm depressed I don't see it as objectively and tend to focus on the negative. And when I'm depressed fighting off the suicidal thoughts is harder. So I hear what you are saying.

As far as dating, I wouldn't know much about that, so may some others can add something in that area. I just know that relationships are hard when you are bipolar. I'm married, but it has been a rocky road and I'm afraid for my husband it's a lot like riding a roller coaster.

Hopefully, you will learn to ride the waves. It takes a little practice and therapy helps.

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered the same thing, except that I have bipolar I. Even though I was manic enough to get hospitalized a month ago, I keep thinking maybe I just suck and that I have, like you said, poor coping skills.

I can also relate to most everything else you said, especially "playing the victim." Like am I just malingering here? But oh, wait, I actually "do" hate being ill.

Hang in there.

Question? Do you see a Therapist? If not , Find one... a good Therapist can help you sort out all the questions and concerns and baggage .. If your seeing one and it's not helping with anything , then Please find a new one...

Altho many of your symptoms certainly are caused by Bipolar.. Bipolar also makes us doubt ourselves, knocks our self esteem in the gutter and self worth? yeah down the drain... Therapy can help.

(((Bipolarchick14)))

I am sorry this is a hard time for you at the moment.

I agree with the sentiments of some of the above posters.

There are a few issues here that would be very beneficial for you to talk to a therapist about.

Please take care of yourself.

I am seeing a therapist. I will try to revisit this Friday but it is so awkward as I don't know what to say. I don't want to talk about how intense the suicidal thoughts get because they have mentioned before that there is not much they can do and honestly I would feel embarrassed mentioning I have a plan. I can't see how that could possibly do me any good so why embarrass myself for nothing. Not feeling comfortable in my own skin. That follows me into my dreams at night. That same depressed strange feeling but wrapped in a nightmare. Last night my dead mother came back as a demon and no one would believe me.

I also need to discuss my desire to be friends with my therapist now that I understand why. I know that it's a no but it is a good Segway into...I WANT NORMAL FRIENDS!!! And I know that is where the desire is stemming from