I have several rather uncomfortable questions, but am itching for answers....

I have done bad things in the past, I believe these are related to hypomanic episodes. These are usually characterized by increased sex drive and feeling out of control (and have unfortunately acted on it nonetheless). They don't last long (just a few weeks) but I can get myself into trouble. Afterward I feel like a different person, and I'm filled with regret for what I did, and I can't understand how I could even do such things.

That said, I have changed my life for the better. I've been in a stable, healthy and truth-based relationship for years, I am seeing a therapist weekly, I am doing well at my job and feel valued, and I have a strong support network spread over ~4 close friends.

What I'm worried about is, if I have another "episode" or start to feel out of control, can I weather through without ruining all I've worked to hard for? Can mood stabilizers save me from myself? If you are on mood stabilizers, can you tell me that you have truly CHANGED and are now a better person?

[RisuNeko]

I don't think you were ever a bad person to begin with. You don't need mood stabilizers to make you a better person, you need them to regulate your moods. There's no guarantee that they will work 100% of the time but it sounds like you've worked hard and have been stable for quite a while so maybe you've found the right meds.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I don't think you were ever a bad person to begin with. You don't need mood stabilizers to make you a better person, you need them to regulate your moods. There's no guarantee that they will work 100% of the time but it sounds like you've worked hard and have been stable for quite a while so maybe you've found the right meds.

Thank you. I've tried several antidepressants and have had varied results. It's only recently that we've recognized it's bipolar and a mood stabilizer might be in order. I hope to start one soon so I can feel more assured. Thank you for recognizing that I've worked hard or maybe I'm not such a bad person - I think I'm feeling really bad lately b/c I've had to face things about myself I've been avoiding in an attempt to live healthier...

Hey Hun, sure we've done things in our earlier years that we aren't proud of today after we did some growing up. Bipolar is instincts run amuck or on overdrive. I feel that ones morality and ethics will stop a person from doing that which they don't want to do. Like, I never cheated on my partner. Sure the thought has jumped into my head with extreme lust, but I knew that its not me and I'd never do it. It's really hard for me to say more than that because my alters have different ideas and when they are up front, no telling what happens or what gets bought, but just no cheating.

Getting a stabilizer though will center you more so you won't be participating in extreme behavior as long as you stay in treatment. Get well.

[corbintech]

Originally Posted by scarednstuff

I have several rather uncomfortable questions, but am itching for answers....

I have done bad things in the past, I believe these are related to hypomanic episodes. These are usually characterized by increased sex drive and feeling out of control (and have unfortunately acted on it nonetheless). They don't last long (just a few weeks) but I can get myself into trouble. Afterward I feel like a different person, and I'm filled with regret for what I did, and I can't understand how I could even do such things.

That said, I have changed my life for the better. I've been in a stable, healthy and truth-based relationship for years, I am seeing a therapist weekly, I am doing well at my job and feel valued, and I have a strong support network spread over ~4 close friends.

What I'm worried about is, if I have another "episode" or start to feel out of control, can I weather through without ruining all I've worked to hard for? Can mood stabilizers save me from myself? If you are on mood stabilizers, can you tell me that you have truly CHANGED and are now a better person?

I have lived in an extremely elevated state for years.

At the end of the day, no matter the state, we still have choices.

My mind raced for all of my adult life until the last year. I went without sleep, spent myself into a hole and went on logical rants that may have drove people around me up the wall.

I had a realization about who I was a couple years ago. I don't mean that I was bipolar, rather that my actions were a bit out of control. Having that realization has helped me greatly. I now have seen the error of my ways and now know the problems that my actions can cause and try to curb them. Like out of control spending (when I really don't have the money for that), this is a real problem for me and I fight everyday because of it, it's not easy.

In order to get control, you have to grab life by the horns so to speak. Always remember, you control this ship that's life and no disease defines you.

For the record, I have tried many medications over the course of my life and have been found to be un-medicatable. I have learned to focus my racing mind on learning and it has been great for me and gives me things to put that super sensitive/hyper mind to use doing.

Of course with this YMMV.

[lunaticfringe]

Hi there - I am in the same situation. Did some REALLY regrettable things when I was completely out of control and not on meds. Now I am engaged to be married and focused on becoming healthy and stable, but I am so afraid that I will get out of control again. The feelings of lust and obsession were so strong for me that I was delusional and psychotic. Now that I'm keeping a close eye on my illness, it helps to recognize those events as part of a manic episode. I also try to recognize things that trigger me to feel those old feelings that caused me to behave badly and make bad choices. I do not fully trust myself yet but I'm getting there. I hope that if I remain vigilant and aware with myself I can keep those kind of incidences to an absolute minimum or get rid of them completely. Avoid nostalgia at all costs!!! I have really noticed a difference in myself since being on lithium and I believe that I can truly change and become a better person, the person I truly am. Unfortunately we do have a serious illness and sometimes it takes over, but if we continue fighting I think we can win most of the time.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi scaredandstuffed

This is my personal opinion.

My personal opinion is based on the fact that I personally understand what it is to have hypomanic/(manic) episodes and reflect on behaviours that were not useful to us during an extreme episode.

What I would like to say is this.

We all have choices.

We are free to decide which choices we make.

Unfortunately during a hypo/manic episode our judgment can be severely affected.

We are never free from the consequence of these choices.

The first step towards CHANGE is to acknowledge that a problem exists.

We can not change if we do not accept what needs to change.

So.

I want to say.

Congratulations.

You've already begun this process of change.

You are well aware of choices you made whilst hypo and are reflecting on these choices that did not serve in your best interest.

You wish to change.

Sure.

You could have another hypo episode indeed.

But.

Next time round you are aware that if you make the same choices you will suffer the consequences.

And you have worked with your T through some issues.

This helps.

Also, you will be able to put in safety measure to eliminate some bad choices next time round.

Yes you will experience increased libido again. This just happens. You were impulsive your last episode and followed your basic instincts. That choice does not have to be repeated as you already acknowledge you would like this changed. Next time you will have safety measures in place as you are aware that there are other means of satisfying your libido whilst hyp other than cheating on your partner.

I am proud of you.

Congratulations.

You have begun the process of CHANGE.

[sorand0m]

I don't believe that meds will save me.

Like almost every other person here, I can relate to the years of regrets, the wasted chances of getting help because I felt I didn't need it.

I'm not a bad person. Neither are you. We're afflicted with balances in our brain being off and we react differently to the 'norm'.

A doctor may help heal you with medication . A councillor can help you through words and positive actions but only you can save yourself.

You sound like you're on the right track. Keep moving onwards!

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by scarednstuff

I have several rather uncomfortable questions, but am itching for answers....

I have done bad things in the past, I believe these are related to hypomanic episodes. These are usually characterized by increased sex drive and feeling out of control (and have unfortunately acted on it nonetheless). They don't last long (just a few weeks) but I can get myself into trouble. Afterward I feel like a different person, and I'm filled with regret for what I did, and I can't understand how I could even do such things.

That said, I have changed my life for the better. I've been in a stable, healthy and truth-based relationship for years, I am seeing a therapist weekly, I am doing well at my job and feel valued, and I have a strong support network spread over ~4 close friends.

What I'm worried about is, if I have another "episode" or start to feel out of control, can I weather through without ruining all I've worked to hard for? Can mood stabilizers save me from myself? If you are on mood stabilizers, can you tell me that you have truly CHANGED and are now a better person?

These thoughts have weighed on my mind a lot, too. I, like you, acted promiscuously, and lost friends because of it. I did things while manic that I would NEVER do in a "normal" state of mind. I also got into legal trouble and lost my license for six years.

Now that I am stable (have been with my husband for 4.5 years and have had no other partners, have had a job consistently for 4 years), I look back and can spot the problems before they happen. I wasn't a bad person; I acted out due to mental instability. Which I set my mind on to fix, and did.

I did relapse and go back to heavy drinking last February. I left the bar at 2am, stumbled around in below zero weather, lost a shoe, got frost bite, and accepted a PIGGYBACK RIDE from a stranger to his house where I could stay until I had someone pick me up. Unfortunately, they called 911 because my foot was purple and I ended up having an outstanding warrant from a missed court date in 2007. Went to jail. My husband was confused and furious with my behavior.

It was a slip. It happens to the best of us. All we can do is our best, and make sure we take care of ourselves and make sound decisions.

[venusss]

Can mood stabilizers save me from myself? If you are on mood stabilizers, can you tell me that you have truly CHANGED and are now a better person?

They are MOOD stabilizers, not MORAL COMPASS stabilizers or PERSONALITY stabilizers.

YOU can change YOU. Drugs can helps somewhat with the moods, but i believe that being good person is about.... being good person. Making mistakes does not make you a bad person.

Originally Posted by venusss

They are MOOD stabilizers, not MORAL COMPASS stabilizers or PERSONALITY stabilizers.

YOU can change YOU. Drugs can helps somewhat with the moods, but i believe that being good person is about.... being good person. Making mistakes does not make you a bad person.

True, it's hard to be a good person though when you can't make good decisions. So with a stabilizer, one can finally make the good decisions and learn to do good, because if you do good, you are good.

Originally Posted by corbintech

I have lived in an extremely elevated state for years.

At the end of the day, no matter the state, we still have choices.

My mind raced for all of my adult life until the last year. I went without sleep, spent myself into a hole and went on logical rants that may have drove people around me up the wall.

I had a realization about who I was a couple years ago. I don't mean that I was bipolar, rather that my actions were a bit out of control. Having that realization has helped me greatly. I now have seen the error of my ways and now know the problems that my actions can cause and try to curb them. Like out of control spending (when I really don't have the money for that), this is a real problem for me and I fight everyday because of it, it's not easy.

In order to get control, you have to grab life by the horns so to speak. Always remember, you control this ship that's life and no disease defines you.

For the record, I have tried many medications over the course of my life and have been found to be un-medicatable. I have learned to focus my racing mind on learning and it has been great for me and gives me things to put that super sensitive/hyper mind to use doing.

Of course with this YMMV.

Your comment about focusing your mind is uplfiting. I'm working to meditate more often and think it is helping. It's good to hear form others that it helps too. The metaphor about a ship is good too - the ship may not be in the best shape, and the weather may be against you - but you're still the captain.

Originally Posted by lunaticfringe

Hi there - I am in the same situation. Did some REALLY regrettable things when I was completely out of control and not on meds. Now I am engaged to be married and focused on becoming healthy and stable, but I am so afraid that I will get out of control again. The feelings of lust and obsession were so strong for me that I was delusional and psychotic. Now that I'm keeping a close eye on my illness, it helps to recognize those events as part of a manic episode. I also try to recognize things that trigger me to feel those old feelings that caused me to behave badly and make bad choices. I do not fully trust myself yet but I'm getting there. I hope that if I remain vigilant and aware with myself I can keep those kind of incidences to an absolute minimum or get rid of them completely. Avoid nostalgia at all costs!!! I have really noticed a difference in myself since being on lithium and I believe that I can truly change and become a better person, the person I truly am. Unfortunately we do have a serious illness and sometimes it takes over, but if we continue fighting I think we can win most of the time.

It is great - well not great - but strengthening to hear that we are not alone in our struggles and that forums like this may help us. This may be too personal - but how did you recognize your triggers? I'm unsure what mine are so I'm not sure what to keep an eye out for. It's all kind of new to me :/

[corbintech]

Originally Posted by scarednstuff

Your comment about focusing your mind is uplfiting. I'm working to meditate more often and think it is helping. It's good to hear form others that it helps too. The metaphor about a ship is good too - the ship may not be in the best shape, and the weather may be against you - but you're still the captain.

That's right. No matter what, we are in control.

Focusing on learning is great. When my mind races (it is picking back up now) I think of things in a deep manner and this helps much.

For instance, I question everything. I wonder about why water is blue, why the sky changes color, why we are on the floating round island in some vast expanse I could never understand, how humanity was created, why people hate so much (war and religious intolerance and whatnot), why politics is a huge mess and the list goes on and on. This keeps me busy and really is a lot of fun. You get to come up with amazing theories and get around people and amaze them and make them think by presenting your theories. I dig up tons of facts as well and it is hard to back me into an unknowing corner because of broad study that my racing mind helped with.

You will be amazed what your mind has the power to do. I have had a discussion many times about being "normal", describe this "normal" that seems to be some standard somewhere that no one knows about. I think bp is heightened "normal". For instance, people wonder about things for years and die without knowing/understanding (or trying) because their mind lacks ambition. Being a bp our minds do not lack ambition, we just have to focus the mind to get great results.

Again YMMV and it is never a one size fits all with bp. I do however believe that we are our worst enemy when we let ourself run a muck without some sort of purpose. Even in my depressed times, I can pull myself based on thought alone because my mind cannot stand the down time. My mind wants to learn and I let it.

Sorry for the long post....

[lunaticfringe]

Originally Posted by scarednstuff

It is great - well not great - but strengthening to hear that we are not alone in our struggles and that forums like this may help us. This may be too personal - but how did you recognize your triggers? I'm unsure what mine are so I'm not sure what to keep an eye out for. It's all kind of new to me :/

Anything that reminds me of certain people or periods of time where I was really out of control. Anything that is overly sexual or intense such as certain music, tv shows. There are certain people I do not associate with anymore because it would be a huge trigger for me. I also know that drinking alcohol makes me much more susceptible to obsessive thinking and getting nostalgic so I try to watch it with that too. I guess basically anything at all that you can associate with feeling those intense feelings - stay away from if possible.