[HALLIEBETH87]

Saw T and had interesting conversation. He asked if Im on a plateau from mania last week. I am mourning the end of it. It felt SO good compared to this other crap Ive had going on.

He says he wonders if I don't have enough fun in my life. If I don't have enough friends to support me. He asked if I want someone special in my life sometime.

I have friends but they all have families and those that don't have very busy social lives that rarely involve me. I don't hold any of it against them. Its just how it is. Its been this way for a very long time. I see one family of friends more often than all my others but still its maybe once a week at church, rarely more. I don't have very many friends my age. I always feel inferior around people close to my age-I always have. So I do things with some friends every once in a while...and I see family often..I go to church some and every once in a while I might do something with someone from church. Most of the time...I stay in my room. Im not always depressed. I am just used to being alone.

As for someone special...of course Id like that. But, I really just don't know how. I don't know how to go about meeting someone. I don't go to bars or clubs-its not my thing. I live in the country so its not likely to just run into someone where I live. I have made impulsive mistakes online before so I don't think online dating is a good idea for me.

I don't really know why Im even putting this out here. All of that has bothered me for a very long time...no one has ever asked me about it. Its a sensitive subject.

I always feel alone. I pretty much always have. It kind of goes back to my childhood abuse (coupled with the extreme isolation we had).

Im sure some would say just to get out and meet people but its not that easy to me. I shut down in most social situations. I cry and panic.

And I don't always know why.

[Crazy Hitch]

I EMBRACE MY PLATEUS!

Hmmmmm. I wonder why the thought of mania seems so lustrous to us when we aren't manic

Wreckless decisions?
High consequence of poor choices?
Endangerment (of self - emotionally or perhaps physically at times?)
Anger?
Possible job loss?
Lack of insight?
Possible overspending?
Possible sexual indescretions?
Possible tattoo?

Hmmmmm. Yes. WHY does this seem so illustrous?

When all those RISK FACTORS exist when Manic?

And I am aware I have to put SAFETY MEASURES in place when I am Manic to AVOID at all costs falling prey to any of those symptoms when manic.

Gee MANIA is HARD!

Constantly having to ARMOUR myself with Safety Measures?

Stuff mania!

I don't want it.

[CANDC]

Hallie, you sound like you have some mature attitudes to meeting people. The T may not be suggesting you date but may be probing to see what might stand in the way. That is what Ts do, free us up enough so we can be living our lives.

I have made friends here on PC and that has made a difference. Don't undervalue the friends you have on PC. They count. And you count too. Each of us has a gift inside waiting to be uncovered. Unfortunately abuse is something that covers over our gifts. By facing it the covers drop away and then we start being more of who we really are.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I miss the feeling good. But..Im embarrassed but things I did and how I was.

Im an open book with NO filter when Im manic so theres no telling what I told people.
The paranoia just makes it worse and I think I told people about it.

Im falling is all. So I miss being up.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hahahhaha (((hallie)))

You said:

"Im an open book with NO filter when Im manic so theres no telling what I told people."

What makes you suspect I am completely manic haha

THAT was how I was able to be so upfront in my response to your post!

I was rather blunt wasn't I? Haha

You can certainly feel entitled to miss the "feel good factor".

Hell yeah! I miss that. That is hypomania sure. Who doesn't want to feel good. I do! Always.

I just don't want all the "other stuff".

That is my only reality check when I am not manic and I'm yearning for an artificial "feel good factor" when Depressed or in a Plateau.

I need to remind myself that there are so many risks involved with this chemically induced mania that brings this feel good feeling.

I'd rather working on less high risk factors during Depression and Stability to boost me towards feeling better.

So do I. But mania always turns uncomfortable for me.
I feel alone too.

[Crazy Hitch]

Truth be told (((valentina))) MOST of us miss mania when we aren't manic.

And we just need the reality check that honestly.

Mania is not fun.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I know it messes things up. Its just the feel good is so dang great!

Im working on making sure I didn't mess too much up. And Im working on my DBT homework. Its hard for me to understand right now.

And Im journaling everyday and I do a gratitude journal as well. Im trying to be just well.

[Crazy Hitch]

I know right Hallie. Why does it have to "feel" so dang great!

What a bugger!

Glad you're journaling.

High 5 to the gratitude journal - you're awesome.

That really helps me when I do it.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I try to do it everynight to get a check in on what I have that's good. Just trying to end the night with something positive. It doesn't always put me in the best place but it helps some.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah you're right - writing doesn't always lead us to "happy" places.

I have to usually burn up stuff I write when I was depressed.

Ughhh.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I keep it in a nice leatherbound journal...I just don't go back and read it.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Wth the new zyprexa dose has knocked me out since Monday. I took it three hours ago and I'm wide awake.

I just want to sleep away time

[Crazy Hitch]

I have a journal somewhere in my room.

It's locked with a padlock.

I wrote some entries in it September/October 2014.

I NEVER want to read it again, either.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yes it can be triggering to reread

[Crazy Hitch]

Why do we write them then

I know they say getting our thougths down on paper "allegedly" helps ...

Unsure it ever made me feel better .... at the time .... ?

[HALLIEBETH87]

It does help me because sometimes I don't have anyone to talk to who won't think I'm nuts.

[wildflowerchild25]

I understand that feeling of social isolation. I have never been good with other people. I have always had severe social anxiety and have never been able to figure out how to interact with "normal" people. Hell I learned to read when I was four in preschool because I didn't know how to play with the other kids.

I've never felt like I was good enough to be friends with people.meven when I had friends I would assume they didn't notice me or thought I was just someone who was around, not a real friend. I felt like they always had better friends to be with. And none of my friendships last more than a couple of years. Once life takes me out of the situation in which I see them, I drift away because I feel unworthy of reaching out.

Thank god I met my husband. Without him and the chance circumstances that brought us together I'd surely be alone. Now I can say I have two girl friends, my brother's gf and my husband's sister. I'll try to hang out with them and we can talk, though I dont share much of my personal struggles when I have them.

I've always been much better at online communication. Which is why I agree with the previous poster about not discounting online friendships you have made here.

Just wanted to stop in and say I relate!

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I understand that feeling of social isolation. I have never been good with other people. I have always had severe social anxiety and have never been able to figure out how to interact with "normal" people. Hell I learned to read when I was four in preschool because I didn't know how to play with the other kids.

I've never felt like I was good enough to be friends with people.meven when I had friends I would assume they didn't notice me or thought I was just someone who was around, not a real friend. I felt like they always had better friends to be with. And none of my friendships last more than a couple of years. Once life takes me out of the situation in which I see them, I drift away because I feel unworthy of reaching out.

Thank god I met my husband. Without him and the chance circumstances that brought us together I'd surely be alone. Now I can say I have two girl friends, my brother's gf and my husband's sister. I'll try to hang out with them and we can talk, though I dont share much of my personal struggles when I have them.

I've always been much better at online communication. Which is why I agree with the previous poster about not discounting online friendships you have made here.

Just wanted to stop in and say I relate!

I can relate alot

[HALLIEBETH87]

Do you find yourself comparing yourself?

[wildflowerchild25]

Yes. There's always something I think about myself that can't measure up to other peopl.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Me too. A lot is residual negativity from childhood abuse