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#1
May 05, 2015, 01:58 AM
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Anyone else just know people hate you, even when you know it is illogical?Tonight I feel hated, even though I am likely loved, by folks on this site. It doesn't end there; I constantly think my husband and my mom are angry with me. As a child, I would believe that my own family members didn't like me and I would suck up to them. I always believed that I would never be loved enough to spend my life with the same person. I think despite loads of affection, I have trouble accepting love. It has gotten better with age but I sometimes still crave affirmations and if I don't receive them, I take it as a dislike for me personally. I am such a whiny, illogical human being. I'm not sure I would like me if I were someone else. I'm so sorry guys, for posting too much, for saying stupid things, for being over all terrible at being supportive to our wonderful group. I truly appreciate you. And, I'm so sorry for being so insecure right now. I am a teary eyed, unstable mess.
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
 BipolaRNurse, electricbipolargirl, Espurr1989, fishin fool, Homeira, iaem85, Raindropvampire, raspberrytorte, vmngjifdo87, Wander
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#2
May 05, 2015, 05:42 AM
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Don't feel bad. I love you!
If it makes you feel better, right now I'm balding and fat. I swear lamictal is balding me. And seroquel is giving me this little pill pooch. Like the rest of my body is staying the same size, but seroquel is donut-ing me. Lol! Don't feel bad for posting so much. There is no need for tears. There should only be smiles and stuff and sunshine. I PROMISE none of us hate you. (Well, admittedly I can't promise that since I'm not everyone, but I'm pretty sure.) No tears. Just smiles! I've wanted to ask, how is the lamictal increase going?
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The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| cashart10
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 cashart10
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#3
May 05, 2015, 05:52 AM
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Oh, about the not liking yourself, I am sometimes not fond of myself either, so I've started doing silly things like looking at myself in the mirror and saying I love you and actually writing down over and over again I love myself. Try it. It actually feels really good. It's the bees knees (what does that phrase mean exactly?! lol).
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The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| cashart10
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| cashart10
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#4
May 05, 2015, 05:53 AM
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Positive affirmations. I swear by them.
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The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| cashart10
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#5
May 05, 2015, 06:12 AM
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Quote:
Hi sweetie, I think we're all here to help each other mutually since we all go through this ups and downs and moments of despair  I have the same issue, my self esteem is ridiculously low. Since as a child I would also think my family members did not like me. I was under this impression specially with my mom, and I would feel so rejected sometimes even though it was completely not true. And I still fear rejection but I have transferred it to other scenarios like work. I get very paranoid sometimes thinking this or that person from work does not like me or the quality of my job. And then I take it very personally and start disliking my colleague. But honestly I have realized that is just bipolar being ridiculous (I have read this in one of the threads and simply love this statement). I cannot take compliments AT ALL. Which is a controversy, I mean I wanna people to like me or my work and then when I'm praised I act all weird and dismiss the compliment. Pffff go wonder Talking about mechanisms that help us cope or overcome this irrational feeling of rejection...I have found this website called "Do Yoga with me", and one of their most popular class is "Love yourself". The classes are all online and you don't need to pay for it. It's actually quite soothing and it does not demand lots of flexibility or whatever. Very basic yoga poses and very relaxing. I actually cried during the first class, I was taken by this indescribable sensation of self love. It was not sadness but happiness and joy. You can give it a try, I know you have a toddler running around the house and finding sometime just for yourself can be a bit of a challenge... But in any case, if you'd like to go for it, here's the link: http://www.doyogawithme.com/content/love-yourself Hope you feel better soon! And do not forget that is just bipolar being ridiculous  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
| Espurr1989
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| cashart10, Espurr1989
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#6
May 05, 2015, 06:36 AM
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I feel much of what you described. Your not alone! Just so you know I love your posts. The relate a lot to me. Somehow, no matter your current problem they usually have a upbeat quality to them. I've always enjoyed reading them and continue to. I too feel like people hate me and I know it makes no since. Like with strangers on this sight, I get paranoid and then believe my feelings are an affirmation of there feelings. So I must be crap lol. Even as I write this my brain is nagging me to delete it all because I'm young, immature, and could never understand you. What bogus! My feeling just solidifies your not alone in this! But that's the problem like raspberrytorte said no positive affirmations. Try telling yourself your worthy of love and list what you like about yourself and then list not what you don't like but what you can improve on and how. Doing this draws me away from the negative and more to the solutions. Hope this helps.
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Diagnosed: bipolar 1, ADHD combined type, GAD, avoidant personality disorder Current meds: lamictal 300mg , saphris 10mg Chronic complex Migraine meds: floricet, propranolol 120mg, gabapentin 2,400mg a day ( not sure it helps migraines or psych disorders...) 
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| cashart10
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| cashart10, raspberrytorte
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#7
May 05, 2015, 11:13 AM
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I'm so embarrassed to have written this. It came out of a lack of insight from lack of sleep, both of which have greatly suffered lately. I talked to my therapist about this today and she called it social paranoia. Anyway, I really appreciate all of your kind words. Reading them reassured me and brightened my day.
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
| Homeira, raspberrytorte
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| Homeira
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#8
May 05, 2015, 11:56 AM
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I do it all the time. I get to the point I suck up, buy people gifts and do anything to make them like me...even if I didn't do anything wrong!
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schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
| cashart10
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| cashart10
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#9
May 05, 2015, 02:39 PM
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Quote:
 ) to hide my hairloss!
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| cashart10
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#10
May 05, 2015, 02:48 PM
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And Cashart10; Keep writing! You express yourself very well. I just wish you were having a better time right now! Remember that this too shall pass. The negative thoughts you are having is your illness speaking. I wish I could express my own hardships the way you do. I think your posts make a lot of people realize that they are not alone in going through similar periodes.
 
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| cashart10
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#11
May 05, 2015, 02:48 PM
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Yes, I also feel this a lot. Loving myself is a daily struggle, if I can't love me why would anyone else
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| cashart10, Homeira
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| cashart10
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#12
May 05, 2015, 03:20 PM
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Quote:
__________________
***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
| Homeira
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| Homeira
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#13
May 05, 2015, 05:25 PM
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I had hair loss from some medication (depakote or lithium I think but I was on lamictal at the same time so maybe it? too many meds). I was told to take Centrum silver and selenium and it would help. It seemed to. My hair was really thick before meds and it is not thick at all now but that could also be hormonal. If you take Centrum silver I think you have supplement folic acid if you are female and could get pregnant and you should make sure there isn't anything else. I'm certainly no vitamin expert, this is just what someone (may or may not have been a dr) told me to try.
Quote:
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
| cashart10
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#14
May 05, 2015, 05:31 PM
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Cashart10-I really enjoy your posts. Your personality comes across very well in writing and you describe the experience of bipolar so well. I just hope you can start feeling better soon.
I didn't join a group online for at least 10 years because the first one I was in made me so uncomfortable and so sure that everyone hated me that I couldn't imagine participating. But I'd been working so hard on getting ready to go to the drop-in center when I got so bad and I couldn't start the drop-in like that so I came here and it's been the total opposite of my earlier experience although I still do sometimes feel paranoid. But it's just paranoia, not anything real. I figure in a place where there are several hundred people in different phases of bipolar nearly anything that is said that is wrong is going to be jumped on by someone and if it isn't and nobody is saying anything negative to me then probably it's just me being paranoid. Again.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
| cashart10
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| cashart10
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#15
May 05, 2015, 06:36 PM
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Lol. Okay, maybe balding was too strong of a word, but I am losing hair and blame lamictal. Thanks for the vitamin recommendations jen.
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
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#16
May 05, 2015, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
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schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
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#17
May 05, 2015, 07:33 PM
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Heck yeah I can commiserate with you! Nobody cares about me. I'm not good enough, but not broken enough. I have no self esteem. I don't even understand why someone would care about me. Unless they want something from me. Nobody's ever going to care about me for who I am. I'm not even sure I would want them to. I don't think I would ever believe them.
High five, yo. Don't be embarrassed. You're wonderful and it's okay to have times like this. You're not alone. |
| cashart10
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| cashart10
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#18
May 05, 2015, 08:31 PM
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Thank you so much for lifting me up Sky! That is so sweet!
__________________
***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
| Skywalking
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#19
May 05, 2015, 08:33 PM
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I feel EXACTLY the same way. Thank you for affirming that I'm not the only one. Your doctor said social paranoia? I never really thought about that as paranoia. I need to tell my doctor this. I've been having problems with paranoia but never considered the thoughts you mentioned to be paranoia (I don't know why), if that't the case than I've been experiencing it more than I thought.
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Kathleen SAHM to 5 kids Loving Wife Dx: Bipolar 2 (hypomania includes anger, irritabily, restlessness), mixed states, rapid cycling. Also get anxiety/panic, obsessions and slight paranoia from time to time. Meds: 175mg Seroquel, 700mg Tegretol, 50mg Lamitrogine, 2mg Risperdal |
| cashart10
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| cashart10
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#20
May 05, 2015, 08:43 PM
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| cashart10
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#21
May 05, 2015, 11:19 PM
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Yes! Reading this helped me realize that the similar thoughts I have sometimes are only the bipolar. I like seeing your posts. I recognize your username and avatar and they make me feel like I 'know' someone on PC.
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A tamed mind is the key to happiness. -Fortune Cookie Med Free Since June 30th, 2016 due to a miscarriage. Sweet child of mine, you have set me free. |
| cashart10
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