cyclothymic, may I check in ?

I just see you describing a lot of emotional reactivity and fast mood swings like a flip of a switch. It could possibly be very rapid cycling BP but the overreacting and impulsively and wanting to be hugged forever feeling you described at the beginning just reminded me of borderline. Maybe you have both? I don't know.

"wanting to be hugged forever feeling" - totally !

I've been just reading through some BPD symptoms again and I could relate to half of them.

- I don't suddenly rage at people I love and tell them it's over and that they're nothing to me.
- I think I have attended at least 90% of my Therapist meetings in the last 2 years.
While I do have doubts about my Therapist's abilities at times which is I think legitimate for a patient to have thoughts like that, I don't consciously hold anger towards her or passive-aggressive behaviors - NOT that I'm aware of
- I doubt my anxiety level qualifies to the "typical" bpd's anxiety that is causing them to cut/burn themselves or abuse drugs. while I have a past with drugs, I don't excessively abuse drugs except my recent Energy drinks thing... I guess that's an issue of course but I don't think it's a relief to the anxiety but rather maintaining my somewhat hypo-manic state that I so love.
- I've never made a threat to kill myself except 5 years ago when I was severely depressed as a response to unexpected life-changing events, I was depressed more than anything back then really.
I do reach out for attention, for talks, but ain't that just an extroverted feely person's actions ? (hehe)
~ Ultimately, I don't go completely nuts when I'm alone. I can tolerate it, but I yearn for connection I guess.

So far ruling out the kinda aggressive-negative part of BPD's ?
Hmm, I can definitely relate to the fierce nature of my mood swings.
I do idealize the people I love in a way, but not 100%, I can see their pitfalls, where they struggle or stuck in personal growth.
I do have impulse to express, because I often feel overwhelmed emotionally.

I don't know .. I'll try to look at this tomorrow again and maybe see stuff in a different light
Could I be a lovely BPD ? without the aggressive rageful symptoms ?

Well I'm a bipolar person without any rage and anger so i don't see why not.

I read those are symptoms that perhaps distinguish the BPD.

I don't know I'd have to double check the dsm criteria to see if it specifically mentions anger or if it's just mood liability in general or fast switches between feeling very good to very bad based on reactivity to situational occurences.

Lability not liability. Autocorrct.

I think I will ask my Therapist to make an appointment for me with the clinic's psychiatrist and shed some light and maybe help me understand myself better.

No idea what is it that I'm feeling now, but it seems like I'm screaming from inside.

There are no words but emotional pressure that ...

Today was quite fine, last night smoked joint had good conversation with a friend.. slept for 3.5 hours, worked 8 hours. slept for 2 hours and went out with a "FRIEND", he's a childhood friend but we're so much different today ...
We drank some beer, in the end he started speaking about Sex, about friends from the past having sex etc... he told me about a girl that I know because we are studying in university together, he started telling me dirty stuff from her past, I asked him to stop because I think it's inappropriate and I don't want to know that.
He kept on going, because he thought it's actually funny or fun to reminisce...
I felt very irritated, but couldn't get him to stop, I yelled once humorously but quite uncomfortably. eventually I started saying hey man let's call it a night etc...

I regret meeting him.. I feel filthy after all his talks about her, about sex in general.

I view sex as something very intimate and of a deep connection, but even at it's "worse" form of just meeting physical needs ~
I would not speak about it that way and disgrace the partner involved. made me sick.
I kinda hate this. ****.

I should get some rest ... I just hate the fact that meeting a person I didn't see for almost 3 years, would turn to be like that.

I don't understand how is this even possible, that overnight one would go from being so hyper-energetic to a walking dead person ?

Yesterday, evening, I went to an opening ceremony of Sacred Singing Circle which took place in several countries worldwide as well as Israel, this is something I also wanted to attend. Went there with a friend and met few people I know there which is awesome to meet people u know in those circumstances, look in a good-energy n stuff.

The event was beautiful, angelic, but through the evening I started feeling different.
I just couldn't feel. I would sing and dance, then I'd just sit and close my eyes, but something just .. did not feel. I could not understand what it is.

I can tell how different I felt through the day, in the morning I felt AWESOME, restless a bit though but I was 'THERE'. very active, talkative, energizing others, alive.
Then after uni, drove home and just wanted the time to pass by and go to the ceremony.
I did stuff home, then after couple hours picked the friend and drove there, I was thrilled at the beginning, we were there and I was jumping around blissfully brought my guitar as well and accompanied the music... and out of the blue something has began to slow down, like the engine's RPM drops slowly..
It was an hour away from home (driving) and I felt bit reluctant to drive (WHICH IS RARE), just wanted to get home and get to my bed, something was sad.
Today, I woke up sad with one desire; keep sleeping.
In the first class I would read a book and sit isolated from everyone,
The second class which is a Group Intervention Techniques where we sit in circle and participate in a Group-Like-Experience, I usually participate and I found myself participating but very quickly all I wanted is the group to be over, I felt worthless.

I felt like everything I've said is being assessed and misunderstood, I felt like I was just talking non-sense to them and I would want to bury myself.
Then later in the break I saw 2 friends with whom I was last evening in the ceremony, they were sitting not far from me and they wouldn't look at me, I would instantly feel like "yay.. I'm not important"; friend was talking to me and would say "ARE U LISTENING????" and I'm like "yeah..I'm just.. away..sorry"

then I went to my therapist came home and went to sleep. woke up to walk my dog, outside I was thinking "I could go for a run maybe feel better..." but then it would feel unrealistic task, like impossible to do.

**** this I feel tired, doomed, full with nothing but nothingness.

I don't want to believe that what I feel is real. I want to feel different tomorrow.
I've asked a friend if he could get me some coke .. I never did but I would try if I won't be feeling any better, I hate this.

I think I'm going crazy in a ..a.. very twisted way...

I woke up today just like I was yesterday... I mean sort of.. I was no mood, I had no mood, because dead people don't have moods, they're dead, I was dead, no mood, I had no mood at all. I mean I was moodless. Ok ?

So... There I go..

I went to.,. I get this interruptions in my mind, I don't know why, it feels like I'm racing, but I don't have racing thoughts, I mean I feel like I'm flying to the moon but I don't have these racing thoughts.

In fact.. I think I don't have thoughts when my mind is interrupted, does that make sense ? Like I just become empty for a mil.second with nothing on my mind but everything else is flowing. movement. yeah.

It's hard... What I'm trying to say .... So I went to practicum I went my Patient, it was Final Session, we had a talked about his feelings, thoughts, how he think he progressed etc..etc.. and then we went with the practicum's staff to a Restaurant to say goodbye to me and the other fellow student, it was 5 of us. IT was super fun I had hard time saying goodbye because I love them so much, they gave is gifts, we had good time wished goodluck and THEN...

I went to my university and I met a student for 1.5 hour I helped him with his English course, I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I was pumped for some reason ~ I did bad with him because I barely let him do any work himself and I almost done everything for him because I couldn't shut up.

Then after we finished I didn't know what to do with myself, I knew I DONT WANT TO GO HOME. because home is boring and I'm all anti-boring at the moment, so ..
I was roaming in my mind searching for the right idea among thousands, and I decided to do something good ~ I went to library to read.
I was there for 4 hours nonstop I couldn't stop reading I was thrilled, I was triggered even more by the content of the book... I couldn't stop. when I stopped I realized it's been hours...

So I packed my stuff went home, drove on the freeway with max volume music, 140km/h, getting impatient that everybody drive so slow and drive so BAD.

Came home, ate, playing guitar, talking, thinking, getting bored, forgot what I was doing. went out with my dog, was jumping running, met a nice person with a dog, had a nice chat... FEEELING ALLIVEEEE !

Then I'm looking for partners to drink wine with, but no one seem to be joining me so I'll just go and drink myself I guess.. but not before I continue my research work.

I"M ON ! Wtf is happening.. I think I'm not Cyclothymic or anything, I think everything is self-created reality and somehow I just manipulate my mind to all of this, and this is all me.

I think this is all in my powers and when I feel depressed this is just me simulating a mood-swing cycle to kinda fit in cyclothymia, right ? you get the idea... I don't think I'm hypo-manic because of a condition, I think I just should be feeling this way all the time, I mean... it has to be this way because it feels great and why would my body do something that is not awesome for me. I ... bit cnfsued but Yeehaw

Woha.

Is anybody reading it ? am I being too much of a burden, leeching your energies ? am I not self-aware here ?

I read your last two posts and the first one is very jumbled and hard to read. Maybe that's why no one's answering. I can relate to feeling like it's all self created and I can just manipulate my mind to do whatever I want it to, but that just can't be true because the episodes hit when they want to hit and I have no control over that.

I really can't tell what you have going on from your writing. It almost sounds hypomanic or mixed or BPD or BPD combined with adhd or some combination thereof. Sorry I don't have any answers but I encourage you to get reevaluated in your current state and let a professional know some of what your mind has been up to. They would know better than I do what is really going on. It doesn't really sound like cyclothymia to me though.

I have been reading but I hardly post lately. I agree with RisuNeko, it would be helpful for you to be evaluated by a pdoc asap. It does sound like hypomania to me and it could turn bad so you need to be careful. What does your T say about all this? Take care

Last session with her. I couldn't stop rambling, I barely let her speak and got lost in my thoughts.
In the end of the session she said she have noticed the extremity of my moods in last month and a half and we'll talk about it next session.

I am glad she is aware and that you have a good T. Has she given you any strategies to combat the hypomania (if that is what it is)?

I don't think she recognizes whatever I have as hypomania, I don't know. She doesn't give me strategies, well that's because most of what I tell her is that during hypomania I'm extremely well, I'm highly functional and productive, I'm thriving. Although I have those scary moments (they are scary not, at the moment they seem right) - when I'm super energetic and suddenly I feel like 'okay, I just let my foot off the gas pedal and the cars driving 100 km/h will crash into me, and there will be circus, and explosions, Just like that.'

Wander, thank you