[Bradh]

Heya , new here. I am bipolar , I don't know what type. I started seeing a pdoc in Feb of this year. Been on geoden, depakot, seroquel and one other I cannot even remember. So far meds feel like they either do nothing to change my cycling or like the depakot I am on now, feels like it has thrown me into a month long depression.The cycling felt better than just plain out right depression. Sometimes the mania was a great relief to the depressive episodes.
Now I am having suicidal thoughts, am just plain emotionally tired of trying. I am losing faith in my pdoc to get me on meds that will help rather than make things worse.
I see a social worker also, I just feel like she does the "head nod" " Tell me how that makes you feel?" crap.
I try to talk to my wife and explain to her just hearing and being shown that I am loved can help me feel so much more like putting out effort. But my wife has some physical problems that she has to deal with and seems to have little patience for me , even though she validates the reality of being bipolar.
I do not want to guilt trip anyone into caring about what I am going through, it just feels like I really do not have anyone in my life that really does care how hard this condition is to cope with.
I have 2 little children and they are 4 year old and 6 year old girls.
I push really hard to make myself smile, get up and be active.Take them to parks, for walks, watch them outside. They just do not deserve a father that is half there. I swear I really try to make things be fun and cute for them, and I think i am fooling them enough right now at this age, and they are getting to do "normal" childhood activities. But what happens when they start to "know".
I am so emotionally weak right now, if some woman were to just "play" me or even really did care, I feel like I would fall prey to this.
I still do the normal household activities the best I can. Some days I just keep the kids fed, off to school, and toys picked up. Other days I can get up and get the rest of the more lengthy work done. Loads of laundry, dishes, cleaning out closets, vacuuming
even the outside yard work.
I'm keeping it done, life I mean. It just feels like just barely.
And feeling so messed up emotionally I don't feel comfortable trying to make friends and I think I forgot how.
My mother cares, and knows of the mental illness that runs on her side of the family. She is just too busy sometimes to be around and just talk.
Sorry for rambling.
Just kind of feel like I am alone and I got myself here. Maybe I am getting what I deserve,reaping what I sow or lying in the bed that I made.
Of all I have to say , I just hope the meds help, so I can be a really good Dad for my precious children.

[Direction]

February - was this your first time seeking treatment? It can take ahile to get the right combo.

Please contact your doctor right away regarding your thoughts..

You will find lots of caring people here at PC - so welcome

You are actually stronger than you think - you are being active with your daughters. Sounds like you are completing a lot of chores and still being a dad.

Don't be two hard on yourself - post again - we are here...

[niko851]

<font color="#000088"> Hi Bradh -

First, you are MORE than welcome here. We're all in this together and we make NO judgments against another. Otherwise, this would be pointless. Also get the guilt trip off the table. Speak as much as you want - again, this is what we are here for.

Second, if you are having ANY suicidal ideations, it is imperative that you get to an ER or a hold of you therapise/P-Doc ASAP!!! WE DO NOT WANT TO LOSE YOU!!! I'm sure your children want you around as well.

From one BP sufferer to another, I guarantee I have heard and/or seen it all. Patience, as you indicated in your post, is something VERY few have when it comes to this disease. Since it is not something tangible, such as a physical ailment, no one really can 'see' or 'understand' per se....

Not here though.... Here, you can be,say, and do what you please. Your welcome 'letter' is onehell of a start. I can also tell you're truly and genuinly TRYING!!! I just got out of an 11-day episode which, looking at the physical damage to my house, will cost about $4000.00 to replace everything.

I don't want to sound like I am preaching so I will leave the conversation and door open to you. Feel free to respond when you want & however you want. Use the PM (Private Message) feature if you want to discuss something with me or anyone else for that matter without having to post in a forum. Your call my friend!!!

Hang in there, please get a hold of the doctor NOW, and if you cannot, the mere thought of suicide has me petrified. I'm sure your wife and children feel the same and will do ANYTHING to help you. Get to the ER if you need to as well!!!

Pleasure to meet you and I better hear that you took care of this VERY SERIOUS aspect of the disease. We're here for ya!!

Niko</font>

[bizi]

WElcome!
glad that you found us here.
It really hurts when your partner is not listening or showing support.
I have to tell my husband that I am not doing well.
He doesn't get it but is very understanding and helpful when I tell him. So this may hold true with your spouse.
Do you journal at all...this is kind of like journally I guess now that I think about it.
I journalled for a while but got manicy about it.
You sound like you are doing alot for the family...and a re great dad to your children.
just wanted to agree with the others...
YOu need to call your pdoc...
severe depression is not acceptable.
and it sounds like you need to get a new therapist perhaps...if you are seeing a woman maybe a man would be better...just a thought.
bizi

[January]

Hi Brad,

I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job under most difficult circumstances.

Please go to the ER or call your pdoc right away and tell him/her about your thoughts.

I wish you the best,

January

[Direction]

Just wondering how you are doing?