I know I know, most of you won't agree...but....

I'm going to say it at once:
"I stop taking my medication"
Here is the thing, when I started my research looking for answer to my bizarre behavior (bipolar)(but I didn't know)I went to a T and he referred me to my Pdoc.
Both of them made me feel like my life was "out of control" and if I have to be totally honest, yeah, sometimes feels like it and I'm really aware of it, so when one of the episodes is coming, I can feel it and try to do my best to (whatever it takes: going for a ride by myself, taking a long long nap, not talking to anybody for 2 days, etc)make it thru.
I've been living like this for 33 years, and what actually made my mixed state worst 2 month ago; was actually knowing for a fact that I have a condition.
I felt like crap for weeks, but I'm in peace now.
Now, in the middle of the episode I started taking Depakote, 1000 mg once daily.
A week after when I went to see my Pdoc, she said she wanted to go up in the dose and start giving me a antipsicotic. Well, let me tell you, Depakote was already taking the best of me away, I was tired as hell, my legs and arms didn't work, everyday around noon I needed my bed and at around 6 I couldn't even drive because of the shakiness, which at this point was starting to freak me out.
So, I had a choice and also, I have a 7 years old-beautiful-demanding-active-preciuos daugther that needed me the most, and I couldn't even keep up a mental list of 3 things in my mind.
Oh, did I mention I looked like I just got off the hospital and I put up 10 pounds already, that wasn't cool at all!
3 weeks ago I stopped taking it, I started to feel like crap on everything, from taste to hallucination (that I NEVER had before) and to the most intimate things, it was really hard.
I know most of you are going to tell me to keep doing what my Pdoc asked me to do, but it this case, I'm sorry but I have to say that I know me better, I know and I'm wide aware of my condition, not taking the meds doesn't mean I'm not taking care of me, but I needed to get this out of my system; I needed to say that going up on a dose wasn't going to help me; and I need to stand up for myself.
I'm an open minded person and trying really hard to avoid judgement; so feel free to give me you points of view.
This one was mine~

It's not a matter if we disagree with you,at this point you sound like you are saying that you have decided "no" to meds. Besides Depakote, have you ever tried soething else instead? I found it too sedative and robbed emotion, so I opted to try different med(s) instead, that my pdoc has suggested and worked along with me.
So, for me, it worked out, I can understand how a person wants to quit meds,when side effects are really bad,but that is a clue, to be assertive and take it up with your pdoc, and talk about alternatives.
Didn't your pdoc titrate your dose? I'm not a doc or anything like that, but was on Depakote for a short time, when pdoc started with me,she went slow and had me get bloodwork to be sure there were no effects on the liver,that is one of the main reasons they have you get labwork done as they adjust your dose, and even afterwards too.
If your pdoc isn't willing to talk of different options, or even refuse to, you may want to consider seeking a new one,that's just my own opinion.
Well, you need to do what feels right for you, as long as you are not a danger to yourself and/or others.
Take care now,
DE

Oh, I can relate to the part in your post, about actually getting worse seems to come from being told you have a condition (not your exact words) that happened to me for about 2 months after the DX and first med used,Depakote,I got off of the stuff a few months after and tried other,I've been with Lamitcal for over 2 yrs and it's good.
But back when the DX was made I was bonkers,refusing to have to take meds,then when I did it was a nightmare, even my T suggested to my pdoc, to wean me off of it.
I had moved with hubby and his relo so once settled in with my present pdoc, him and I worked on other medication options, I'm glad I persued it.
I will not deny there had been days that I just wanted to say, "the hell with it", no more meds for me.

((((Darkeyes))))thank you so much for your post.
I like to see what others think, and if anything changes I'd let you know.

Good Morning.......

I will not try to talk you back into taking the meds, but what I will do is to say that I understand.... for I have been through the medicine thing and I have done the not taking any more medicine thing, and what I found from years of the yo yo treatment (on again off again - then on again off again) was that I personally liked myself better when on the medicine than I did while I was off the medicine, not to mention that death had lessened its grip on me considerably when on my medicine(s).

Only YOU can make the decision as to take the medicine or not.... NO ONE ELSE!!

Good Luck..............

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

((((Rhapsody)))) I really aprreciate the support and "leaving me to decide" part of this.
Thank you!

I just did the same thing. I think we know what's best for ourselves. I may change my mind later, but I have to do what works best for me now. Good luck.

((((JonB))))
thank you! I feel better now, I'm not the only one! lol

You’re completely right! Sometimes medication just doesn’t work for people, and although it can cover up the symptoms of the disorder is causes so many side effects its just not worth it. I have been though 17 medications in 5 years, trying to find something that works. Some of them helped a little, some not at all, and some had huge side effects. I gave up on treatment twice, stopped cold turkey 3 or 4 times. But over time my symptoms and problems affected my family and daily life enough to make me go back and try again. I'm at the moment on Lithium and Clonzepam and so far so good, ZERO side effects, and I feel much more stable. I cant say that this will work long term, or what will happen tomorrow. But I will say it took many years, and a ton of different medications and combinations to finally find something that seems to be helping. Without altering who I am. That’s the challenge we all face, given any disorder. You might find your disorder becoming more of a problem down the road and like me return to try different medications. But you’re not alone, and Depakote is one that has major side effects for many just so ya know. But if you feel you can handle everything solo, then more power to you. But also don’t be afraid to come back and try something else if it becomes a problem for you. Good luck, and of course we are all here to support you!

(((Taipans))) what can I say?! you just read me.
Thank you so much, I know this might not a "forever" thing, but for now I couldn't go like that anymore.
Thanks again!!!

((((((( biplol ))))))))))

~~~~~~~Darkeyes~~~~~~~

I hated depekote when I was taking it.
I felt so flat on it...no motivation jsut weight gain.
I love lamictal and this is my only med...and I am bipolar 1!!!
...I also take a sleeping pill.
My pdoc had me on 3 other meds and I weaned myself off of them because I did not "need" to be on that much medication.
The drug manufactures want us to think that we need that much meds...I believe a lot of us are over medicated...just my opinion.
They are now using lamictal as a first line mood stabilizer...it aslo has the benefit of an antidepressant.
and no I don't work for lamictal but do know so many who are very very happy switching to it.
bizi

I don't think it's the pharmaceutical companies that are behind over medicating or mis medicating us, it's incompetent pdocs, I am fortunate to have one who is really on top of stuff,working with the patient.
I'm down to 150mg's of Lamictal from 200mgs, pdoc says anything under 150mgs is not therapeautic any longer,if lower dose was, he would even go for it. He believes in using the lowest dose that is still therapeutic,if a patient shows no negative changes, if things are still unstable then he works with the patient on getting the right dose without zombifying them.
Not mnay pdocs will work that way, especially if they have inflated egos,and the cash register at top speed.
It's all so complicated,and so easy to want to point fingers of blame in some direction,I know when I get frustrated either with my physical health,meds.,menopause,and my Hashimotos disease, I just want to scream at my docs,that I still feel unwell,and what the hell are they doing? Ever get where you want to just SCREAM?
Enough of my ranting. I think one of the things we can do is,just take one day at a time,and assert ourselves at our pdoc and doc appts. so we'll be heard.
I wish y'all luck with this, keep the faith.

I had to change my meds provider cuz he wouldn't change me from Depakote to something else. I was in a mixed state when I went in & the Depakote helped with the agitiation, but did nothing for the depression. So I "fired" him & found a new provider who specializes in bp. She really worked with me for a year to come up with a "cocktail" of 7 medications to take daily. This has worked well for me, but my husband & kids are horrified with how much medication I take. I had to add stimulants (2) to counteract the excessive daytime sleepiness caused by the other meds. I have to take a med to help me sleep (without it I'm just sleeping 3-4 hours which I found out can be really dangerous for one with bp).

Anyway, if you can function well & have a good quality of life without meds, that's great. I couldn't do it so I'm grateful for a provider who really listens to me, was patient & gave me lots of hope.--Suay

Hey Biplol, how's it going med free? I'm still holding out without the meds. Docs are trying to get me to consider Lamictal, but I'm liking the med free so far. Hoping to be able to keep it up and hope it works ok for you. I definitely prefer life without side effects (for now)....

JonB I just PMed you!

I have to agree with DE and several others...I don't think that you can make the meds/no meds decision judging by one experience or opinion. I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster myself of late, trying to counter mounting depression. First the doc added bupropion (Wellbutrin, which I had taken before) which did lift my mood but I felt like total crap otherwise, serious tremors, etc. so I called him and he put me on Seroquel, which has just been approved for bp depression. (Which I had read here a few days earlier). A year ago I swore I would never take an anti-psychotic; but at this point, it's probably the best med decision he could have made...I feel better than I have in many years, and not manic, either--just good/normal.

So, I guess I'm saying that drug therapy is not an event, it's a process. It can be frustrating with all that we have to go through, but it can be worth it in the long run.

I hope you find what helps you all get through!

DJ

Dear Davey,
I am so glad to hear that this medication change is working for you.
That is great news!
bizi

Yes, I just hope it keeps it up!

DJ

DavyJones -

I agree with what you said about drug therapy being a process. I think you have to go with what's going to work for you at the time and that's not always going to be the same thing - which is good because it gives you flexibility to deal with whatever the most pressing issue is, and frustrating because that's not always the same thing. Sometimes I really need something that will knock me on my rear, and sometimes that's the last thing I need.

And, of course, everyone's reaction is to a particular med is going to be different based on their symptoms and physiology. I like to read about how people's personal experiences are with a drug because sometimes I'm looking for the same thing and other times I can see where someone says "I hate this because it did x,y, and z" and I think, great that's just what I want.

I think you're spot on about the process thing. Going with the flow and not getting stuck on what happened before but recognizing what's happening now and what you're aiming for in the future and trying to figure the best way to achieve that.

Good points...

Thank you so much guys!!!! I really apreciate your support and your non-judgement of my situation.
I'm trying to be the best, I don't swear never taking again, but for now, I needed to be me for at least some time, and I was loosing me, which was really depressing.
Thank you so much again!

Taking meds does suck. I would gladly get off them...except for the fact that it would pose an unsafe arena for my life.
Do they come w/ side effects that are annoying, hell yeah! But, do they keep me from destroying myself, well, hell yeah to that too.
Maybe depakote wasn't the best med for you. Maybe there is something else? If you feel like you can contain your BP w/o meds go for it!

(TS) Thank you so much, I'm hanging there, trying to get the best of me out and the worst locked somewhere, I'll keep you guys updated!

Keep on, keeping on!
Let me know how it is going for you.