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#1
Jun 05, 2015, 08:29 AM
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The trigger contains graphic details of self injury. I am only describing it so you all know how serious it was so you can help me. If it has to be removed by a mod I understand.
Possible trigger:
I have a pdoc appt at 2:20. Do I tell her? Do I describe how bad it was? I'm very afraid she will send me to the ER and I might end up IP. I can't do that. I can't leave my son for a week right after his father died. I'm kicking myself for being so selfish and awful right now. How could I do this to my son? I'm a horrible person. I really do wish I had died with my husband. I can't handle this on my own. Ugh I'm so ****ing stupid and selfish...just so I could feel better for a little bit. And I nearly kill myself. So do I tell pdoc? She's going to ask me if I cut and I will say yes but I don't want her to know how bad. Should she know? What should I do?
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State Last edited by shezbut; Jun 05, 2015 at 12:55 PM. Reason: Administrative edit |
 Angry1541, Anonymous45023, bbTofu, BipolaRNurse, cashart10, elevatedsoul, LettinG0, Mrs. Mania, Nammu, raspberrytorte, secretgalaxy, Skywalking, Victoria'smom, Wander, ~Christina
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#2
Jun 05, 2015, 08:42 AM
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I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I wish I could take it away. Right now you need to look after yourself, for your son too, so please be honest with your doctor. You need help to get through this and perhaps a short IP will give you the strength to go on. It is better for your son that you be away for a few days than lose you altogether. Please take care.
__________________
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD  "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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#3
Jun 05, 2015, 09:41 AM
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i agree, is there somewhere safe your son could stay a few days?
you're not being selfish, you're just going through so much IP might be the help you need now im going IP....
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#4
Jun 05, 2015, 09:41 AM
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I agree with Wander. You HAVE to take care of yourself. For your son's sake. My heart just aches for the pain you are in. But, please be honest with your pdoc. You need all the support you can get right now to get through this horrific ordeal.
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 LettinG0 BP II |
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#5
Jun 05, 2015, 11:21 AM
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I'm so sorry. You are not a horrible person. You are a person with bipolar who has had a terrible, traumatic shock and you're grieving.
Do you have family or friends who can help support you through this? Someone you can call up and talk to and cry to when you get the urge to self harm? A plan for dealing with the urge to self harm? Your son needs you. If he can't do without you for a few days in IP, then how is he going to do without you for the rest of his life, if you end up leaving him? What would it do to him to lose both parents? You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of him. He loves you and he needs you. And you need him. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself, for your son, and for your husband (because he would want you to be well and for your son to be taken care of, I'm sure) - is to be honest about how much you are suffering. There is no shame in it. Grief is terrible. Right now I am grieving the first major loss in my life and I have so much sympathy for you. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. The problem is it's just overwhelming, and you need help to deal with it. |
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#6
Jun 05, 2015, 12:09 PM
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You have to be honest with yourself, too. "Do I need help? Do I want to get better? "
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#7
Jun 05, 2015, 12:46 PM
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Yes tell your T and get stitches. Remember the airline parallel? Parents first put the oxygen mask on themselves so they can be there to take care of their kids. Right now the oxygen mask have dropped you need to take care of you first so you can be there for your son, if that means IP that's ok it doesn't make you a bad mom it means you need to survive.
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Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#8
Jun 05, 2015, 01:00 PM
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I don't think ip is worth the money and aggravation because I don't think they can do anything for me. This isn't bp this is just my life. No one can fix my life. I know I need to take care of myself I feel like **** for doing this to my son...I couldn't stop. I did it once and then couldn't stop. I need to be better for my son. I can't let him grow up like I did. I'm sorry. So sorry. I know my husband is so mad at me right now. But I'm mad at him too...that's part of why I did it. Because he got to take drugs when he promised he wouldn't so guess what I get to cut. Except I could have died. And I can't die for my son.
I'm going to tell her I did it but not really how bad it was. I feel like that's attention seeking. Being too dramatic. Maybe she'll get me into the IOP. I'd be willing to do that.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, Nammu, Skywalking, ~Christina
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#9
Jun 05, 2015, 01:42 PM
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I can tell u r hurting so badly..I hope u heal with every breath you take. I
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Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Generalized Anxiety Disprder *no meds currently 
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#10
Jun 05, 2015, 02:27 PM
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Ok I was honest. And I'm going ip. Unless I can talk my way out at the crisis center but that never works.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, BipolaRNurse, Nammu, Skywalking, ~Christina
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#11
Jun 05, 2015, 03:04 PM
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(((((wildflower)))))
Proud of you. You do what you need to do to be safe and survive this.
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LettinG0 BP II |
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#12
Jun 05, 2015, 04:04 PM
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I'm in tears for you. Hun, your not selfish your in unbearable pain
I think going IP would be the smartest thing you could do for you and your son, there is nothing selfish about it, Nothing! Your family will care for your son. You are going to find a way to become stronger, going IP right now is the smartest thing possible right now. You are so much stronger than you can see right now 
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#13
Jun 05, 2015, 04:49 PM
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You did the right thing.
you're a very brave and strong person. You're in my thoughts. I hope this will help you.
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#14
Jun 05, 2015, 05:35 PM
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This might be life and not BP but sometimes we need help for life too. You're doing the right thing.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#15
Jun 05, 2015, 05:38 PM
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please, take care of yourself. your son will be ok with family. he needs you healthy and you need help. please. *huge hugs*
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schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
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#16
Jun 05, 2015, 07:40 PM
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I am glad you are going IP an really hope it helps stabilise you. As others have said you are an amazingly strong person. Keep fighting. BIG hugs
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Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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#17
Jun 05, 2015, 08:10 PM
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Thanks for your kind words everyone. I'm currently waiting to be accepted into the hospital I always use. I hope to be out by Wednesday. Just a few days so I can screw my head on straight. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to hurt myself so badly. And I didn't mean to hurt my family more. I hope they'll forgive me.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous200280, Anonymous45023, BeyondtheRainbow, BipolaRNurse, Nammu, ~Christina
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 Nammu, TgFlux
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#18
Jun 05, 2015, 08:32 PM
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There is nothing for people to forgive. You are in an incredibly difficult time in your life and are trying to cope with a difficult disorder on top of it. You didn't do something wrong; you just reacted to your pain in the way that spoke to you at the time. Nobody could handle what you've been through well. Getting a few days to rest and take care of yourself will help you be able to help yourself and your little boy this summer. You did the right thing to tell and to go IP. It will be healing and then you can continue healing at home with help from family, friends and your treatment providers.
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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#19
Jun 05, 2015, 10:03 PM
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I don't think they'll have to even consider whether or *not* to forgive you. they love you and want you healthy. take care of yourself then come home and be with them.
__________________
schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
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#20
Jun 05, 2015, 10:09 PM
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I am glad your going in,, Take this time to focus on you
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#21
Jun 06, 2015, 12:13 AM
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I hope you find rest. My heart aches for you and if I could I would wrap my arms around you, if it would help.
You may have likely heard this song before, but it is one of my constants, and it has cushioned me through many a (compared to yours) pretend tragedies. It is rich, somber, vivid, passionate. I hope it will help you cry some or scream when you need it. The lyrics are far too vague for a constant interpretation so you can use them as you need. And, it's music. It's folk music by two amazingly timeless artists. I would give you whole playlists if I knew my favorites could offer you the same comfort and relief in their passion that they offer me. Music and words are about the only things to give. I wish there was so much more. I wish you could see that, like Christina, many of us have cried tear after tear for you. We are heartbroken. My love to you! Simon & Garfunkel - The Sounds of Silence (Audio)
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***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
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#22
Jun 06, 2015, 01:35 PM
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Good for you wildflower! You're so brave to tell them the truth! My heart is breaking for you and your incredible loss. I am praying for you! Hugs!
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    Bipolar I, Borderline, Complex PTSD, Substance Dependance, Survivor of Abuse |
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