[Composer88]

I was recently diagnosed BP1. I had my first manic episode that put me in the hospital for 10 days in April and now I'm starting to get into a depressed state. I've been on 1200mg of Lithium and my doc put me on Latuda after being on risperidone for 6 weeks or so but it's not kicking in all the way yet.

I didn't think my personality would get so out of whack and I'm scared at how "bipolar" I became after my diagnosis.

Was the change similar for anybody else? After the first manic episode it's like a switch got flicked.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Composer,

It's great to see you here at PsychCentral and more specifically on this Bipolar Forum.

There are heaps of awesome members here

Yeah I can remember my first manic episode and afterwards I was like wow! Can't believe I did most of that.

But we live and learn and pick up patterns in our behaviour as we go along.

Always remember this: You are not your diagnosis.

Sure, you will go through episodes of having Bipolar symptoms.

But you are still the same person the day before someone decided to "label" some of these symptoms for you.

I look forward to seeing you around these forums more often

[CopperStar]

I think a diagnosis can make some people more self-aware. I don't think it changes who you are at all, but you might notice things that you didn't before. That's how it has been for me.

[Capriciousness]

Welcome to the club!

It is all so complicated and confusing. I don't even know when my very first one was...
But after my big mixed that got me dxed I felt like my personality had been eviscerated. It was a very difficult. Very weird time. Abilify didn't help much. Made it much worse. I just felt like my brain was so fried out that it was like a burnt out house there was just nothing in it. Me everything unrecognizable and rough edged.

Ok I'm remembering why mania is so bad now

[cmorales]

My first experience with mania was brief (as I hear it often is for youth), I was about 13. I was a mess of anger and rage (very uncharacteristic of me, even now. I'm usually very laid back.) and it scared the crap out of both me and my sister. But what really messed me up was a mixed episode turned breakdown when I was 19. This episode sent me down a dark path of instability and self-medication that lasted for years, the pieces of which I am still trying to pick up.

[CopperStar]

Oh I think I misunderstood the question, sorry. I can't pinpoint when I had my first dysphoric mania episode because I was having mental breakdowns as a young teenager due to issues at home. It's too hard to distinguish where I went from trauma related mental breakdowns to both trauma related mental breakdowns and issues with a mood disorder. In fact the dysphoric mania and the trauma-based episodes can be so similar that to this day I can't always tell them apart. When I start to hallucinate or not sleep for days then I know I've got a bipolar episode rolling, but that's sometimes about the only way I can tell.

[lunaticfringe]

I think my manic episodes have really shaped who I am today. When I was younger I had many smaller manic episodes but it seems the older I get the more intense it gets. My last major manic episode was earth-shattering...in good ways and bad. But it has definitely changed me permanently. So yes, a switch got flicked.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by lunaticfringe

I think my manic episodes have really shaped who I am today. When I was younger I had many smaller manic episodes but it seems the older I get the more intense it gets. My last major manic episode was earth-shattering...in good ways and bad. But it has definitely changed me permanently. So yes, a switch got flicked.

I have felt that way about some episodes, too. I've only ever had one therapist who seemed able to understand how something could be absolutely life-wrecking, horrifying and yet something I don't honestly regret at the same time. Some professionals thought maybe I was just very self-destructive, in denial or maybe even a weird flavor of masochistic. I only had one who was able to understand, at least in theory, that even though some episodes were very bad, in which very bad things did happen, I grew immensely as a person. And that I could never truly regret that.

[lunaticfringe]

YES. I had ONE therapist who was on my level and I regret that I didn't appreciate her enough at the time (but I was manic)...

My last episode (episode seems like such a weird word doesn't it? Like it's so much MORE than that...) was humiliating yet totally mind-expanding. It was both the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. Oh man...the stories I could tell. I miss it sometimes. I was so far gone. I'm truly grateful that I even ever came back from the place I was in.

[quasicrystalline]

I had the same thing happen after a manic episode in January. It turned my entire world upside down and back again. It all became real to me and some things started to make a lot more sense, but at the same time it was completely surreal. Still is surreal. It's very, very hard for me to pinpoint what I'd consider my baseline to be anymore. All the ups and downs still feel like me and are me, and yet they don't feel like me at all.

I hope you find some peace of mind soon.

[Keegan2015]

Wow, it's really comforting to hear that people have similar experiences with mania. I too have a lot of difficulty figuring out what my baseline is these days.

[Composer88]

Thanks everyone!

I'm really glad I found this community. It helps to hear other people's perspectives.

During my episode I had the epiphany that I should be a therapist. When I was in the psych ward I thought it was all just training. I would go around and talk to patients about their problems, but I never really addressed my own.

I was so delusional and I thought I had to keep all these secrets from everybody and I was against taking my mood stabilizers.

[Capriciousness]

I wrote a poem about this very thing back then. I wonder where it is? Probably more than one....