[Butterfly Crisis]

I've think I've come to the conclusion that I think I've been delusional for a long time. Let me explain what I thought was delusional and maybe you can confirm for me if it actually was? (I always need confirmation, I can't trust my own thoughts.

The main thing that comes to mind is that I believed since I was 12 years old that I was the anti-christ (or would bring about the anti-christ in some way). I knew that logically, that was unlikely and have purposefully separated myself from religion so as to keep those kind of thoughts at bay.

Between 17 and 23, I was believing the opposite - That I was some sort of destined savior that would bring about a utopia if I could only figure out the right path I was supposed to take to create the best outcome (almost like a game - which is funny, I can't ever finish a game because I get caught up in what choices to make; I NEED THE BEST OUTCOME!)

Anyway, lately I'm starting to feel like I'm the anti-christ (or in some way just as bad, or that my baby may be the anti-christ. I know this is totally untrue but I get into dark moments where I question its validity.

I know I'm totally insane, but is this even a part of bipolar? Am I getting worse? Have I been worse all along? I feel so terrified by this revelation and I fear there's probably way more to it, more delusion.. Like delusions about myself, how I am..

I'm always terrified because I don't know who I really am, I feel that anything I think or know is untrustworthy information, that I am delusional about myself and I can't ever get the correct image of myself from other people because it's only fragments and it's way too narcissistic to ask such things.. Sorry, does this post even make sense...?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello Butterfly Crisis,

It's awesome to see you here on the BP Forum

Congrats on your first post! (Well, at the time of my reply, this is your first post). Hopefully you will have many more to come.

Always helps to speak about your feelings / experiences with those who share similar experiences or stories to share with you about things that they have been through.

Yes, I can't trust my own thoughts at the best of times, so your statement there makes sense. I'm constantly doubting if what I think is real and land up having to rethink my point of view and if need be ask others for a second opinion. So you're on the right track.

You sound to have had some turmulous past with religion, by this I mean how you described having to remove yourself from all association so as to remove these intrusive thoughts that you were having and keep them at bay.

To me, you sound like a fighting winner. You're pretty persistent and determined to keep going until you achieve your goal - all of which are great attributes if used correctly, they can serve you well.

It sounds to me like your intrusive thoughts are back and are causing you quite some concern.

On one level you get that it's not real, so that's good.

But to continually have the "thought" enter your mind is probably quite triggering, because then you have to start back at square one, reaffirming for yourself that this is by no means true, and literally fight off / ward off this intrusive thought. So it's kind of become some kind of cycle.

You sound like you have a lot of doubt. And this can stem from a number of situational factors in your environment during your upbringing. If there have been factors that have been emotionally straining on you, then I'm sorry for this. If my shot in the dark here is wrong in trying to work out why you are thinking these negative thoughts which are certainly not true, then I'm sorry about this too.

To answer your question - "Does this post even make sense?"

Yes. It makes perfect sense to me.

You're establishing your identity and eliminating what you are not - you are not the anti-christ, but unfortunately had this intrusive thought start when you were very young, somehow then bury itself in your conscious mind, only to have resurfaced sometime in the recent past.

My wish for you is that as you begin to work through this you establish your true sense of self worth and begin to realise the potential that you have as a person to live a life with a sense of peace and calm.

[Chickenkicker]

Are you being treated by a psychiatrist or therapist? If not, that would be a good starting point as anything we would say would be an inaccurate guess.

[Skywalking]

Hi dear,

Believe it or not, I remember once being afraid of being the anti-Christ myself, when I was a teenager. I think some people are more sensitive to themes like that in religion and maybe take the "I mustn't be bad" to extremes, and develop that paranoia about being "bad." And what "bad" is worse than the anti-Christ? Or the opposite direction, the "savior" route. How many times in the bible is an ordinary person ordained by God to do some special work? Christianity in particular encourages these kinds of thinking, and once you've internalized those messages, it's hard to break out of them.

There is a line between religious belief and delusion. But throw in bipolar, and that line gets blurry.

It's possible it's delusional thinking, but if it is, you've identified it as such, which means you can work to change it.

(You and your baby are not the anti-Christ!)

I know it can be disconcerting to feel like you don't know yourself. But also, keep in mind you don't have any deadline where you have to do so. Life is a journey. Lately I'm finding that relaxing and not thinking so much about having to understand myself 100%, actually leads to my being able to do so.

[wiretwister]

WELCOME ... praying you find peace ...

[Butterfly Crisis]

To Hooligan:

Thank you. I'm really glad that I decided to finally join and post something. I've been lurking for quite some time, but never had the confidence to talk about anything. But that HAS to change if I want to feel better.

There are two levels of me not understanding my thoughts:

1) I don't know if my moods are causing my thoughts, ex: "I'm just being inconsiderate by doing such an action and I should just remove myself from the situation entirely" or "I think I should do this because I'm pumped and I can take on the world!"

2) Sometimes, though this is more rare, I can't tell if my thoughts are my own or if they're some demon inside me that I'm fighting against, or if the thoughts have been implanted themselves by some unseen force that wants me to do their bidding.

I have this fear that I'm some central part of a spiritual conspiracy and there are two opposing forces (good and evil) who are trying to sway me to their side by tricking me and implanting thoughts.

This kind of thinking also extends to minor things, like thinking that my Critical Thinking class is a test in itself. That if I do the right action, like ask my teacher lots of questions, then I'm doing the class correctly instead of just turning in assignments (which seem to be tests in themselves, like am I supposed to be critically thinking about the reading assignment or should i be critically thinking about the way the lesson is put together, too?)

This is what caused me to go catatonic and threw me into a wave of depression. I feel like I can't even go to college because everything is so mixed up in my head.

I certainly have quite a bit of doubt. I don't trust anything, really, and I grew up a total nihilist who didn't even believe the world was real at a VERY young age... It makes me wonder how long I've been sick and I'm terrified that I might be more than just bipolar... Or does this kind of stuff happen in bipolar people, too? My dad is schizoeffective and my worst fear is that I'll become just like him... Or that I've been just like him all along. I guess that's why I made this post to begin with.

My sole focus right now is in establishing my identity, I think I suffer from some dissociation because like I said before, I literally cannot tell who I am and all I have are little clues from others. It does make me feel a lot better when people tell me I'm not the anti-christ.

I've had to learn to trust that reality exists. And then after that, I've had to learn to trust that what others say can be true. And at least, in this moment, I do believe you. That gives me relief.

What I do know about my identity is that I am bipolar and I'm trying to understand and accept, maybe even embrace, what that is and means and how I'm going to live with it.

Originally Posted by Chickenkicker

Are you being treated by a psychiatrist or therapist?

I am But not nearly at the intervals I need to be. That's mostly because my therapist is on vacation and my psychiatrist thought I'd be fine for a while, so he scheduled me 3 months ahead, but now when I try to get an earlier appointment, he's booked up.

I'm basically hiding out until the middle of July when I can see them again.
Also, I'm never sure what to talk to them about in specific, so I think talking here on the forum will help me gain some sort of outline of what to talk about with my therapist. I only have an hour every two weeks, I want to make it count! lol

To Skywalking:

It makes me feel so much better to know that someone else thought the same thing. Somehow, that makes it even more certain that I'm not the anti-christ (or my baby.. hopefully).

I have a terrible, terrible fixation on being good or bad. I'm an INFJ/P, so I have an insanely strong moral code and if I don't stick to it, I feel like a total failure and it sends me spiraling down into depression. It also doesn't help that growing up, I heard from multiple sources that I was a bad, terrible child - From places that you would THINK would instead increase your self confidence, like teachers, peers, and parents.

Like I said above, my dad is schizoeffective and I grew up with his murmurings of him mentally sacrificing a child (a friend of his murdered their child) so that I could be born, so I was a hellspawn that was destined to be bad. It scares the crap out of me.

It sucks so much that I've had to distance myself from religion. It can be such a positive thing in people's lives and whenever I seek help, people always ask if I'm a part of a church, but I just cannot go there. All I can think of is how terrible I must be and am reminded of my father who believed in the same psychotic holy war that I do. I probably got it from him.

At the very least, I try to seek spirituality through religious ideas from Hinduism, Buddhism, and Wicca. I hold fast to science to keep a grip on reality and reaffirm to myself that there are people smarter than I out there who understand reality far more than I do and I can trust them. I try to find peace in being nothing in the universe yet also being a part of everything in the universe (I am just a bunch of atoms floating in a sea of atoms and we are all one).

Thank you to all that replied, I was afraid I wouldn't get any replies at all. I feel a raise in confidence and feel like I can post more here.

[CopperStar]

Well for whatever it is worth I tend to get extremely similar delusions, either that I am a demon or that I have one attached to me. I also grew up in a rather extremist religious environment so I imagine that a lot of it is inspired by that. Basically my mental illness combines with my childhood experiences, and then that is what pops out. Delusions about being a demon or having one attached to me.

I have even had many, as in like countless, nights over the years where I have pondered it deeply for hours. I even come to the conclusion of feeling sympathy for the demon that I believe is attached to me. It can never be redeemed, it was cast down and damned for one rebellion, something humans do all the time but can get forgiveness for. What motivation does it have to redeem itself, if it can uh, never be redeemed. I imagine it to be a lonely, tormented thing, as miserable and crazy as I am. Sometimes it feels like the only consistent friend I ever have.

But if someone asked me if I believe in demons, I'd look them in the eye and say, "No." And I don't. I don't believe it is real. But it's real to me. And I can simultaneously experience it as real while knowing that it's not. If that makes an ounce of sense.

[Butterfly Crisis]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Well for whatever it is worth I tend to get extremely similar delusions, either that I am a demon or that I have one attached to me. I also grew up in a rather extremist religious environment so I imagine that a lot of it is inspired by that. Basically my mental illness combines with my childhood experiences, and then that is what pops out. Delusions about being a demon or having one attached to me.

I have even had many, as in like countless, nights over the years where I have pondered it deeply for hours. I even come to the conclusion of feeling sympathy for the demon that I believe is attached to me. It can never be redeemed, it was cast down and damned for one rebellion, something humans do all the time but can get forgiveness for. What motivation does it have to redeem itself, if it can uh, never be redeemed. I imagine it to be a lonely, tormented thing, as miserable and crazy as I am. Sometimes it feels like the only consistent friend I ever have.

But if someone asked me if I believe in demons, I'd look them in the eye and say, "No." And I don't. I don't believe it is real. But it's real to me. And I can simultaneously experience it as real while knowing that it's not. If that makes an ounce of sense.

That pretty much explains exactly how I feel, minus the sympathy part. I have a "demon" presence.. I actually feel like he's a fey creature called a Kelpie that resembles a horse who drowns people for sexual pleasure.

In my dreams, he appears in a explosion of black smoke, with his tail end being just a trail of the smoke.. His eyes are glowing a strange pink-blue mixture and he follows me through places of my past that are slightly altered.

In reality, I feel him in the shadows. If I think about him, he's invited into my life.. But sometimes, even if I don't think about him, he appears and fills me with almost excitable fear. He feels dear to me, close to me, almost a part of me. I've even named him, which someone suggested to me, though I fear that has made him even more real. His name is Siersa, which came to me one day while meditating on him. There have been times where I've, against my will, broken down into tears of terror from the feeling that he's watching me and go into a trance of all of these memories that aren't mine. I feel like it has meaning, and makes me question my beliefs altogether.

Lately I've been questioning whether or not I believe in supernatural things, but I can say without a doubt that I don't believe in the Christian idea of angels, demons, heaven, or hell. None of it feels real to me. I have my own ideas of all of that, of which I'm still trying to understand.