Does the sysem reward self-destructive behaviors?

I've always sort of 'prided' myself on my ability to hide symptoms as much as possible and to self-destruct in secret, without bothering anyone or needing anything. Of course this is actually rather stupid, as it has been a massive disservice to myself all these years and has been detrimental to basically my entire life. But that's the way I was conditioned to be when I was growing up, that suffering in silence and self-destructing in secret was being "strong" and "mature" and was the morally "right" thing to do.

As one of many possible examples to demonstrate what I mean, the last time I became rather severe, my automatic thought process was that I should run away and be homeless instead of going to the hospital or asking anyone for help, that I should keep it all inside and keep it all secret and just go off to die alone somewhere. My mind seemed to help me cope and give me 'courage' by providing me with the delusion that I was going on a spiritual mission/journey and to not be afraid.

But, what if I had allowed it to all come out instead? What if I hadn't kept it inside. What if I had let my thoughts and feelings show. What if I had actually flipped out in the middle of my work environment, instead of literally running out of the building and disappearing into the city. What if I had expressed how truly paranoid and terrified I was of my roommates, to the point that they would have probably called the cops, who may have then called 911.

Would I have gotten help instead? Instead of winding up homeless and getting hurt.

There are so many examples just like this throughout my life, and by now my perception of the whole mental health system is very confused and cynical.

Maybe "the system rewards self-destructive behaviors" is the wrong way to put it. It feels more like it punishes self-control, or rather (to be more realistic) punishes desperate efforts to be "strong" and not burden or scare others.

Sometimes I wonder if this is where some of my violent intrusive thoughts have been coming from lately. I feel desperate, I want help. I need help. But because of my childhood conditioning, I am like the master of internal warfare, I am one hell of a general and warrior against my own damned mind. I might feel suicidal or like totally losing it for day after day after day, but day after day after day I fight it, I self-destruct in secret.

Out of fear, pride, guilt, shame.

But I'm not completely stupid. I try not to be a manipulative person, but I still know it works. I know that if I did allow myself to just lose my ****, then I'd probably be taken seriously and given serious help. But I can't. It's too terrifying, too shameful, too unacceptable.

I'm sure my mind is a bit scrambled right now and so I might not be seeing it all clearly. But have any of you ever felt this way?

I agree with what you have said here. There was a great article on another members blog here that perfectly aligns with my views on this.

So, I'm diagnosed BP2 with a lot of other 3 letter words as well and it was only when my hypo/ manic episodes (there's a very fine line here, one I struggle to see) became destructive or dangerous that I was offered help. Offered access to a psychiatrist and psychologist. Part of my "problem" is that I can come across as quite high functioning, intelligent and fairly reasonable.That's what I want people to see, though.

How many times I've just been on the edge of losing my **** and not said anything, nudged it off and tried to be strong mentally even though deep down I hated everyone, everything and was just fed up and I still don't think I was taken seriously. I needed help.

Had I gone in and just lost the fine bit of self-control barely keeping me on the edge, I could have been treated five years earlier.

It pisses me off daily to think that I could have been starting to get better all those years ago but because I presented as high functioning despite my inner desire to smash all the **** up in rage I was passed over.

Yes, it's almost like self-destructive behavior is 'rewarded' and it's ********.

This reminds me of a few times I've visited the crisis center in my area needing to get into the hospital and was given a very hard time because I didn't SEEM like I was having a crisis...Like hello I wouldn't be here if I didn't need help it's not like I enjoy coming here. So now when I have to go there I really let them have it with my craziness instead of being polite or whatever. That's what they want to see apparently. You have to really let the crazy show to even get any help at all. Your word is not enough. It would be good if mental health professionals understood how good we are at hiding our problems and to not assume we do not need help if we are not presenting in the way they think we should.

Back years ago, during one of my first timid attempts to get some help, I was told by a psychologist to "take my money and go buy a blouse or something...."

That, combined with another couple of useless and degrading forays into the mental health care system, is why I remained undiagnosed and untreated for roughly 30 years.

I, too, am "high-functioning" and battle my illness quietly and alone.

I am about to venture back into mental health care system (have an appt with a new pdoc July 7th) and am quite terrified of the whole prospect. . . will they believe me, will they understand, will they treat me with respect and dignity....????

I battle over whether it is even worth it or not. I've lived the crazy life all of these years....but I also recognize that I am very unstable and can't go on the way I am....

That just sounds so terrifying and mortifying, though. I wish more professionals understood that comorbid trauma and mood disorder issues are far from rare. I have always felt that my mood disorder manifests in a rather unusual way because of how heavily and abusively I was conditioned throughout childhood to hide my negative emotions and suffering at all costs. I can be sitting across from someone and feel like literally tearing their face off, seeing things that are not real on the wall behind them and itching at the freshly healing cuts under my pants, and yet look and sound pretty damn normal. I had to be able to do that growing up, and my brain learned how, my brain mastered that ****. Dealing with the mental health system sometimes feels like dealing with my crazy parents all over again.

It's really irritating knowing that many of us are initially brushed off because we hide our "crazy" so much. I asked for help so long ago and I wasn't taken seriously until I couldn't control my crazy and ended up in front of a psychiatrist like I was on speed after getting into trouble with the police.

It shouldn't have to take losing your **** to be taken seriously.

I remember thinking some time ago in regards to Borderline Personality Disorder that the system has to be the most horrifically ironic thing I have ever seen in terms of playing games with patients. I noticed that people with BPD are often accused of self-harming in order to manipulate people. I also noticed that in a lot of cases, people with BPD don't get taken seriously unless they are engaging in self-destructive behaviors. So it was like the system expected people with BPD to 'prove' their disorder by hurting themselves, so that the system could then turn around and accuse the BPD person of hurting themselves just for attention. However I've started seeing this trend with a lot of mental illnesses and disorders lately, the more I pay attention. It's quite disturbing.

What is your diagnosis?

My only official diagnoses received are bipolar disorder type 1 with psychotic features, and PTSD. However I believe that my trauma symptoms fit in better with borderline features than the sort of PTSD often manifested in say, war veterans, because it is triggered primarily in interpersonal issues. Just seems more like a BPD thing to me, and I felt like they just didn't want me to have the stigma or something. I definitely have the righteous blinding rage issues of a borderline, though, not just panic attacks, night terrors, flashback experiences, etc. I've also been diagnosed with severe primary vaginismus in the past, too, which is also why I think they leaned towards PTSD, due to the childhood abuse issues. I would rather just accept the BPD label, though, because I would rather get the actual type of therapy I need even if it comes with a lot of stigma. My current pdoc who I have only seen once says she wants to start out just documenting "Episodic Mood Disorder NOS" until she has more time to observe me and make sure she agrees with the BP1 diagnosis.

You know yourself best and I think getting to the root of the problem, seems like a good strategy.

I suffered 2.5 years in army service without getting proper help. It took time for me to get courage and ask for mental health help, but even then my request was denied again and again up until a point I was losing it.
It took long time to receive help, when actually what I have received is a discharge from the army because the army Pdoc thought I'm psychotic - I wasn't psychotic, I was depressed and desperate to get help. Thanks a lot! (I had psychotic break months later.. )

This really hits home with me right now. Thanks for this post

Definitely seems like it to me.


My first pdoc scoffed at the idea of me seeing a T because according to him I'm high functioning so don't need to waste my money.


The second pdoc, disagreed with my BPD dx (I had to point it out because he was an idiot) because a borderline "would never seek out help, they're too busy being in denial"


I gave him a "are you bloody kidding me look" and asked "so you are refusing to even consider the possibility simply because I'm smart enough to ask for help? Well that's just *****ing retarded"


He eventually ate his words when the T put it in my file though.


Yip, holding it together certainly does not bode well for when you're in crisis and need help from strangers.


I miss my T, he could see right through me and knew when I was imploding. My facade was never a match for him.

I can relate sooooo much to the original post. I definitely do my suffering in silence and probably don't get the help I need because of it out of shame, pride, fear, and guilt. Those are the emotions that I have come to live with and think of as just a part of me when I'm not doing well.

I take pride in having year and a half long depressions and having no one at work notice anything is wrong. I take pride in having manias and having people just think I've had a little too much coffee and nothing more if they think anything at all. I hide my self destructive behaviors like drinking, smoking, taking nutritional supplements to get high, and not taking my benzos or ambien 100% as prescribed. I just always think and feel that I have things under control and that the soldier in my mind, or the general as you put it, will keep me from showing any symptoms in front of anyone. My anxiety is a huge part of this. One of my biggest anxieties is not seeming perfectly fine and normal. I think this is one of the main reasons I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD yet, because I hide my symptoms when I'm talking to my pdoc, and only let them come out when I'm alone (although they do accidentally come out at work and school as well). I want to be a good patient, and I'll hide anything to seem that way. And sometimes I convince myself I'm okay when I'm really not. I know it's not good. But like you, it's how I was raised to be. My family doesn't show emotion or vent their problems openly or show their bad habits in front of others. It's only by chance that I know my mom is an exercise bulimic, and she has no idea that I have bulimic tendencies too. I haven't told anyone. I feel like I need to keep it to myself or I will be too ashamed and lose my pride. It's a huge fear of mine.

..This was how I was raised... To the t.. In fact I never went looking for a diagnosis in any form... It came to me.. Through a few unfortunate events I was told I was bipolar. I was like what the ****.. Because I didn't really no what bipolar was except through the media.... Suck it up and deal with it is how my dad reacts.. I don't even waste my time talking to him about it.. And I still suck it up to this day.. How I was raised.. Self destructive

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I was raised by social climbing parents who didn't ever admit that we had problems in the family. The day I was diagnosed bipolar I could practically hear them spinning in their graves... we supposedly didn't have mental illness in our lineage, even though one grandmother spent time in a mental hospital after a "nervous breakdown" and most of the rest of them were upper-class lushes.

What's sad is, something's been wrong with me since I was 10 years old and suffered my first depression, and nothing was ever done about it till I finally asked my PCP for help and he sent me to a psychiatrist. That was 43 years I went undiagnosed and untreated. By the time I did get into treatment, my disease was so severe it took almost three years and a hospitalization to get me straightened out.

Still, sometimes I feel that old familiar urge to keep a stiff upper lip even in my pdoc's office. Fortunately he is VERY good at sniffing out when something is wrong, and he adjusts meds and does therapy accordingly. The way my illness progressed so fast, I'd probably be dead from suicide now. THAT'S what hiding from the truth does. It's so destructive and people just don't realize what they do when they urge us to buck up, be strong, keep our illness to ourselves and so on. It's even worse when we do it to ourselves.

Yes, the system rewards people with self-destructive behaviours. They're visible and can put others at risk along with themselves. They don't tend to need to ask for help, because it's obvious and help just gets handed out.

When you're high-functioning and able to appear stable, you get missed. No one notices signs because everyone is only looking for the extreme cases which reinforce stereotypes. And then, with the high-functioning, the "yes I'm high-functioning but I still have a pretty low-quality of life because I'm struggling to just maintain the basics" gets missed or dismissed and the positive-thinking-brigade comes out with the "Oh, you just need to start looking on the bright side of things" being given as "help".

This thread is so sad. This is the kind of thing that makes me so upset. To hear how much we go through because we feel like we can't say it. And ya know those Pdocs could make it much easier for us to say it by not assuming based on looks and by actually asking the right questions...more questions.

I have often wondered what the hell I have to do to get people to understand how bad this is

I have dealt with this **** countless times. It is really awkward to have to try convince a doctor that you are really crazy and in crisis. And to beg for more meds. Like seriously

I once told a Pdoc that my anxiety was unbearable. He told me that I didn't look anxious. Um ok. He had a tendency to tell me I was ok. No you're ok. That is what he said all the time.

One time I was trying to tell him how bad I was feeling and he told me no it couldn't be because I "looked real good".

It's called make up you loser!

And creeeepy

Anyway this what was behind this one
https://bipolarfirst.wordpress.com/2...screws-us-all/

And this one
https://bipolarfirst.wordpress.com/2...act-depressed/

And now I'm all pissed again. These stories we all have should not happen. It ****ing endangers our lives ! Don't they get that!

I've had anxiety my entire life, even when I was a little girl, for no reason. I even remember being anxious of being in cars and of answering phones and stuff.

As an adult I self medicated for years with alcohol. I had what I consider my first "big" episode of depression when I was 24. I had problems with
my mood before that of course.

The thought of getting any sort of help never even crossed my mind. My family doesn't believe in mental illness, and I think if I told them I'm on meds their heads would explode or something. Before I moved out I timidly told my mom I thought I had a problem, but she just brushed it off.

So... I didn't get help until I got a DUI, went through alcohol wihdrawal, did those classes, and my counselor recognized I had an underlining situation, and referred me to a pnp.

Anyway, so it took me getting into trouble to get help.

I don't know if that means I was rewarded help? But I really did need it and wouldn't even have thought of getting it otherwise.

I see what you mean. As a teen no one believed how terrible I felt until I started cutting myself.