[BPgf]

I think it would be interesting to see the results of this one.

Describe how your bipolar manifested itself (symptoms, severity, length of time up or down, etc), and your realization/acceptance and diagnosis/misdiagnosis of it during your:

CHILDHOOD:

PRETEENS:

TEENS:

EARLY 20s:

LATE 20s:

30s:

Etc...

[CopperStar]

Age 15: First major episode, severe mixed state with psychosis, went completely insane and was trying to attack myself, was forcibly committed for over a week. The professionals there were complete NOOOOBZ and failed to detect either my trauma issues or my BP issues. Diagnosed me with depression and tried to make me take Zoloft. Thank goodness I refused or I would have went nuts all over again.

Ages 16-early 20s: On/Off Depression and Mixed States, 1 Suicide Attempt, Tons Of Weed

Age 23: Second psychotic break in life during a Mixed State, completely lost it, hadn't been sleeping for days, thought the government was going to kill my family, wound up eventually seeing a therapist, then a pdoc, diagnosed with both PTSD and BP 1 with psychotic features at the end of it all, refused to take my meds because I was scared to death of them

Ages 24-25: Continued to have mixed states, paranoid psychosis, etc. Eventually ran away to the other side of the country, kept losing jobs due to mixed states and paranoid psychosis, tried Lexapro at some point, completely lost my mind, still refused to acknowledge that I'm bipolar

Age 26: Wound up homeless, totally insane, almost died

Present: Recently started seeing a pdoc and started Zyprexa

There's tons of details left out but that is a decent overall gist.

I really feel that I was born his way seeing that the first 5 years of my life was traumatic enough to cause dissociation.

Oh well, such is my life. I'm never bored, that's for sure.

[wildflowerchild25]

As a child I was extremely anxious all the time - scared of the sun exploding, thunderstorms, bridges, elevators, all sorts of things. When I was 11 I experienced depression. When I was 12'everhthing got suddenly better - I gained confidence, I was happy, I was funny. I think this was my first hypomanic episode. When I was thirteen I fell into depression and alternated between that and what I can now recognize as mixed states and dysphoric mania until I had ect when I was 19. After that I quit all meds and therapy because I thought I was cured, and did really well for six years. I now recognize that I cycled but it was milder and more manageable. Then sometime when I was 25 everything kind of fell apart. I started cutting again and had a nasty depression episode.minalso experienced euphoric mania for the first time in my lifE. I started back on meds but kept going on and off of them, sometimes chasing mania, sometimes just being fed up because it wasn't working, sometimes thinking I was fine because they were working. I had a psychotic episode but believed it was brought on by meds so I still denied that I really had BP. I thought I was just being dramatic. Then when I was 27 I had my first psychotic episode when I went off all medication. That finally got me to accept the BP. I figured if I could be psychotic all on my own I must have something going on. I stayed on medication but could not escape severe depression and mixed states. In the fall of 2014 I decided to have ect treatment again. Since then I have been mostly stable and remain med compliant. It's so much better than being all over the place, even though I do miss the mania.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Childhood Years-Lots of anxiety from abuse.

Age 14-When I first remember being depressed, also when I was still living with my dad and my (abusive) stepmother.

Age 16-Depression deeper, anxiety heightened and started self-harming.

Age 17-I ran away from Dads house to live with Granny and my depression really got bad. Anxiety sky high. PTSD kicked in and self-harm got significantly worse. Saw my first T and pdoc. DX was major depression. Crisis counselor for four days.

18-20- Off and on on meds and in therapy. Not doing well. First hospitalization.

21-Suicidal and sent to pdoc by a good friend who was concerned. Dx BP2, rapid cycling with mixed features. Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is when my behavior got really out there for me....meeting people from online and being impulsive with different behaviors. Dangerous ones. Non compliant at times. Second hospitalization.

26-Hospital pdoc gives me dx for BPD and mood d/o nos. In and out of the hospital for suicidal depressions and mixed episodes.

27-former pdoc says no to BPD and gives me dx BP1 with rapid cycling.

*Fast forward to now at 28 and my current pdoc says a mix between PTSD, BPD and BP.*
Ive been most recently IP for hypomania and mixed episodes. Psyd's opinion is I have BP2, rapid cycling.

Basically...I cycle a lot lol

I have OD twice, been in hospital 7 times and in crisis stabilization unit 4 times.

[meganb22]

Awesome question!

Elementary-early middle school: I suffered from anxiety and OCD

Age 13-14: I started having a lot of anxiety/ panic attacks and depression started. Started taking anxiety meds.

15-20: Depression happening more frequently as well as changing moods. Anger and irritability came into the mix. Anxiety and panic attacks still prevalent. Started self-harming.

20-now: Starting when I was around 20 my moods got consistently and significantly worse. They also changed more rapidly. I was under a lot of stress and many other environmental factors definitely made it worse. (Anxiety thankfully got better) I struggled for a couple more years until I finally figured out and got diagnosed with Bipolar II.

[raspberrytorte]

I've had anxiety my entire life, since I was a little girl, and it wasn't trauma or abuse related. I was scared of cars, phones, etc.

In high school, just a lot of anxiety. I remember going through a depressed period, and writing about it in my journal, and being disturbed because I actually felt suicidal for the first time ever. I had a lot of euphoric feelings though too--like I used to stand at the very edge of very tall buildings because I wanted to fly, stuff like that. I was kind of the life of the party I guess. I was the sort of crazy fun friend. Lol.

Then, the summer after I graduated high school, when I was eighteen, a very traumatic event happened to me. And everything just spiraled out of control from there. I think I temporarily had borderline personality disorder. I abused alcohol and did a lot of risky things. I had what I consider my first real episode of depression over the summer when I was 24. Then I got a DUI when I was 25 and had to take those classes and stuff, and my counselor recognized I had a problem and referred me to a pnp.

Then the pnp thought I had clinical depression and put me on sertraline, and about an hour after taking it I became very euphoric, and I think that was the start of my first manic episode, which eventually led me to be hospitalized. We tried some different meds, and I settled on lamictal and alprazolam, and was fine for awhile (I talked to a therapist, and she helped me get through the traumatic event that happened to me when I was eighteen).

Then I got pregnant when I was 28 (surprise!), and got PPD after our daughter was born and ended up spending a few days in the hospital two weeks after she was born. That lasted about a year before it subsided (the depression). Then when she was about fifteen months old we found out that she was delayed, I blamed myself, and had another episode of depression. That one lasted about six months, I lost at least twenty pounds, and it ended when my pnp raised my lamictal dose to 300mg.

After that I was fine for about two years (or three?). It was awhile. Then my pnp retired, and, at 32 (age I am now) I had my first manic/mixed episode with psychosis, which happened in January, and I ended up IP.

And now I'm still recovering from that experience because it was pretty traumatizing, and I got bumped up from bp2 to bp1.

I honestly, never really believed I had bp until that episode in January, but there's no denying it now. I was manic and out of my mind. I have an appointment next thursday with a new pdoc and wanted a little refresher from that experience, so I started reading my journal entries from those two weeks. Wow. I was so manic. Lol!

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Childhood Years-Lots of anxiety from abuse.

Age 14-When I first remember being depressed, also when I was still living with my dad and my (abusive) stepmother.

Age 16-Depression deeper, anxiety heightened and started self-harming.

Age 17-I ran away from Dads house to live with Granny and my depression really got bad. Anxiety sky high. PTSD kicked in and self-harm got significantly worse. Saw my first T and pdoc. DX was major depression.

18-20- Off and on on meds and in therapy. Not doing well.

21-Suicidal and sent to pdoc by a good friend who was concerned. Dx BP2, rapid cycling with mixed features. Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is when my behavior got really out there for me....meeting people from online and being impulsive with different behaviors. Dangerous ones. Non compliant at times.

26-Hospital pdoc gives me dx for BPD and mood d/o nos. In and out of the hospital for suicidal depressions and mixed episodes.

27-former pdoc says no to BPD and gives me dx BP1 with rapid cycling.

*Fast forward to now at 28 and my current pdoc says a mix between PTSD, BPD and BP.*
Ive been most recently IP for hypomania and mixed episodes. Psyd's opinion is I have BP2, rapid cycling.

Basically...I cycle a lot lol

Our disorders must be cousins hehe.

[Wander]

For me things were cruisy until I was about 8 years old then I began to self-harm and even attempted suicide (in a child-like way with 8 paracetamol) at age 9. I was experiencing a lot of trauma so my behaviour may be more linked to that than BP. From that age on I only became more and more broody with periods of severe suicidal ideation, deep depression.
By my mid to late teens I was a wreck but everyone put it down to being a teenager. I was wild, took heaps of drugs and my moods swung from euphoric and energetic to depressed and exhausted. When I was 19 I was put on anti-depressants during a severe depression and I immediately became hypomanic but the GP missed the significance of that totally. I stopped taking them.
At age 22 I had a mental breakdown due to trauma issues but I also went into an intense mixed episode that lasted for months and was only worsened by anti-depressants. To deal with this I sold all I owned and went backpacking around the world. It was an amazing experience, although I was still very unwell. It was dangerous really. I ended up getting sexually assaulted in London and had to return home as I was too distressed to keep travelling.
It took me six years to get back on my feet but the 'relative' stability only lasted for around 3 years when Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue had me almost bedridden and took my wonderful job away from me.
I had another mental breakdown at age 33 and diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression. I attempted suicide several times the despair and torment was endless. Six years later I am still trying to recover. During the last six years once the trauma was dealt with and the PTSD subsided a bit it became obvious that I had Bipolar. Most of my suicide attempts occurred during mixed states and I would get delusional and paranoid. I rapid cycle and spend very little time 'stable' but meds do take the edge off the episodes. I think it is getting worse as I age though which is discouraging.

[Imah]

I find this question difficult. I will try.

CHILDHOOD:by 3rd grade I thought I could talk to spirits/people far away. By 5th grade I was becoming adept at fantastical excuses for why I couldn't go to school. (fainting in shower - water pittering on face). By 3rd grade I was afraid of ghosts coming to me, because they knew I could talk to them/ sense them and I didn't want any visits. I think I was already becoming aware that I could do things others couldn't and that frightened me on some level.

PRETEENS:By 8th grade I believed in angels because I had invisible hands rest on my shoulders. Because I could always be aware of more then regular people. Always knew I was 'different'. Did weird things, like experimented with why people use restrooms when they could just pee. Peed in pants on carpet - thought, oh, because its uncomfortable and the reasons we use clothes are___. Volatile temper started at times, put my cat in a pillowcase and shook it. Kicked a couple boys in the privates. Attempted 1st suicide at 13.

TEENS:Began messing with witchcraft and psychic connection - a lot of true shtuff happened. wild, driving drinking pot - was uninvincible, and strived to make the world a better place because I knew it was all about me, up to me, surrounded by me, Began noticing patterns. Colors, numbers, radio songs at certain times, words, letters, license plates, the light that circles me, being able to manipulate others by thought. I had the key. I ran everywhere, not walk. Began critical thinking against catholisism. Became obsessed with a boy who said f.u. to me. It lasted 3 years. Wasn't frightened of death. No concept of fear except for being disliked, or how I could be bad by making people sad. No concept of time passing, that I would graduate, and had to act like grown up. Saw a shrink for 3 or 4 years, was diagnosed with Bipolar right before I stopped seeing him. (again at 19 I saw another shrink after mom told me I needed to - they also said I had problems. Once I awoke knowing I would die if I went to work, so I stayed home. Failed Medical Assistant school because I was attacked by a witch. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

EARLY 20s: From 14-22 I had over 15 different jobs, lived in like 7 different states, became a master of the lie to get out of work because I couldn't handle the tedium of it, all my jobs always had half my attention because my mind was imagining alternate existences, didn't bother getting a car, or trying to own anyting more then suitcases. I had stopped all drugs when I was 19. I could move clouds, effect weather slightly, connect to people far away, learned a little about lutheran, methodist, eckenkar, buddhism - began forming my own spiritual belief system. I was raped, stalked for 22 months, had a child out of wedlock, my father died, tried and failed first college attempt, had sex with many people to make them happy. Became obsessed with a boy from work who ignored me. At one point I went to a third shrink, gave me lithium, it made me not be able to feel - I threw them away and didnt go back. got married on a Monday in Vegas cause I didn't want to watch the Simpsons on TV. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

LATE 20s: Began pretending to be everything the normal person is supposed to be, exercised, worked my *** off with the business of marriage, had a second child after two miscarriages. Began trying to please my money loving first husband by letting him purchase everything he wanted. Began being more effected by anxiety. Wasnt able to go to a Dr. because I wasn't worth it. Worked hard to be right acting all the time. I would physically respond to my depression and mania with working and waiting for it to end. Sometimes would take 3 days. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

30s: continued the downward spiral that emotional suppression and constant pretense leads to, with lack of sleep and over work to meet expecations. Had a nervous break down. Was verbally abused for it. Stopped being able to stand in sun. wouldnt drive over bridges. Cringed at the phone. Woke every day at 2:57-3:04 am. Stopped hitting rem sleep. After 6 months of that, was shattered. first divorce. Became intensly obsessed with my abusive karate teacher, lasted 4 years. Moved in with a friend who had cancer, let my duplex and car go because I couldn't make any choices for myself self esteem about life was too low, friend died - married her husband because I had to 'save' the family. Planned my death for when my boys and my dead freinds boy who I was now raising - planned my death for when they turned 18. Gave them my stuff. Married a second man I didn't love out of thinking it was right. 2nd failed college attempt. SELF BLAMED FOR BEING WEAK - DENIED THERE WAS A REASON.

40s: Went back to a shrink. Told I was bipolar and needed meds. Took them for awhile, spent the next 5 years going on and off to them or the Dr. getting meds occasionally. Would spend days in my room at times. Hated - hated - hated life and my 2nd husband. Was a half way good parent. ---- MEt a man online. Met a man I could love online. Loved. Felt loved. Felt hope for the first time in decades - went for it. Divorced 2nd husband. Married 3rd, this time. Got a power job to care for us. Got 2 promotions within 6 months. Requested not to take the 2nd one, was pressured into it. It was too much, emotional spiral down - down to 'fired due to innapropriate behaviour' (screaming, crying, accusing coworker of being mad at me). Used last of money trying to keep car. Car repossessed. Tried to find another job, people at employment agency said-- see a doctor first. Saw a dr. meds. counseling. agoraphobia, estrained from children, general assistance. Rock bottom. REALIZED PROBLEM WAS THERE EFFECTING MY WHOLE LIFE. LIGHTBULB.

Climbed up from Rock Bottom to Sustainable. Very happily married to someone statistics say will not work out due to age difference. I am learning not to pretend when I go in public. Now I embrace being alive most of the time. I appreciate my current situation. Sometimes I am terrified it can end. I experience severe unreasonable fear, paranoia. My anxiety leftover from 30 years of emotional shock still continues to dominate my days. I cringe at shadows, see things that arent there (still), have very busy days where nothing can ever harm me (husband says take your pills)

I have every reason to be terrified of lifes inconsistency. But I am on a plateau of a kind of consistency. I hope it lasts. If something traumatic happens, I am so unstable, I cannot yet handle anything. Like, finding out my water bill was high due to watering new plants sent me into a tailspin that lasted 3 days of depression, anxiety.

Sorry this got long. How do we explain a life?

[Lonlin3zz]

TEENS
13-14: Was bullied by classmates because of the pronunciation of my full name, and playing an out-dated game(Runescape) while everyone progressed to more thrilling games like FPS games. So, I was ostracized by these "bandwagons" who thinks playing an Out-dated game equates to being a nerd. I couldn't get myself up to go to school, but I had to because I was forced to. I didn't enjoy my time back during school days.

15-16:
My thoughts naturally evolved from normal thinking to something such as life-thoughts, detailed-thoughts, deep-thoughts, thoughts-relating to spirituality. I began to relate a lot to many people, even despite them not being close to me.

17-19(now):
I listened to a Chinese song, called "Angel", and it describes about an angel being behind and supports a person standing. Gives me the thought that I hope to become a selfless and loving angel that everyone yearns for.
My interest in English music slowly diminished and I started appreciating Chinese Music (which what people would commonly refer to "emotional" or "depressing" music). However, I appreciate Chinese music better when I learn to understand the meaning behind it's lyrics, and not simply because of it's solemn tunes.
Been through countless of cycles of extreme moodswings but yet still survived it.

I attended a Buddhist study class for the youths. It wasn't just simply praying for the better, but rather, I learnt a lot about human's ability to be able to surpass their thoughts of spirituality with the right knowledge and right teacher. I used to view Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Catholic, Hindu, Sikh, etc.. as different religions, but the term " religion " doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore, but I thought of what kind of life philosophies we can learn out of it.

This in fact, totally changed my life, from someone who gets by each day dilly dally, to someone who likes to focus on character development. I began to study myself, and connect myself to my surroundings where people are staring at their tablets/device almost all the time.

- I began to accept what I have in my possessions and be contented with what I have.
- I've contemplated death, but I am not afraid of when I would die, but rather, how much I can focus on doing good deeds.
- I feel like it takes so much to make me angry.
Sometimes, I'll show my honest appreciation to people who have benefitted me a lot or little.
- I do get frustrated with people who makes me irritated, but I simply alter my frame of mind to try to understand the other party or what I can learn out of it.
- I aspire to help living beings within my means, whether it be an insect that I can squash when it lands on my arm, or stray animals, to human beings.
- I wear my usual or dull clothing to lectures, or perform any actions that may seem unconventional to people, but I just simply couldn't care being judged or not. No point wasting my energy on this.
- When I observed people do make a fuss out of a situation, I will naturally listen to their conversations and analyze on how they could have dealt with the issues with a nicer approach.
- When I see a huge sign relating to a fatal accident on the road, I get depressed and easily visualize how the person was feeling when he was breathing his last.
- When I hear news that ships ferrying illegal immigrants went down the sea and many died, to ISIS extremist. I just can't help feeling depressed that if I had the power of a higher being, I will certainly get them out of this cycle of sufferings.

- Listening to Chinese music, whereby people of my age is into English Music
- Control myself from arguing with people that gives a lot of 1-sided opinions when it comes to debating in a government-controlled local media.
- Plays an outdated game like Runescape when other people are finding joy in competitive games like League or mobile games.
- Hates going outside to walk in the crowd unlike in the past.
- Uses a second-hand iPhone 4, while people are already getting iPhone 6 + comparing startup/shutdown time with my phone.

That's my life from 17-19, I naturally don't fit into the society, even though I feel comfortable, but yet at times, I feel weird as though I was the odd one out.

Well, from what I've read. I just feel like Imah is just an older version of me, and don't know if by fate or coincidence, she was there behind the computer to guide me from her experience. Thank you, Imah

[cmorales]

Let's see...

About 13: it all began with explosive anger and rambling, agitation and pacing, racing thoughts and confusion. The episode was relatively short, but very intense.

14: the delusions began with a lil thought broadcasting.

High school: was mostly filled with mixed episodes and depression.

15: I ask my mom, who has a Masters degree in psychology, to go see a professional about everything going on in my head. She tells me I'm "fine" and drops the subject entirely.

But the delusions returned at about

17: I thought government scientists were out to steal my DNA. I began collecting my hair and keeping it in a plastic container in my room.

18-19: I don't remember much, but there was a lot of agitation and a few mixed scenarios.

19: A horrific mixed episode with the added stress of telling my very Catholic family that I have do not believe in their god causes a mental breakdown, complete with psychosis. Should have gone to the hospital for this one, but my friends thought they could make me feel better on their own. They didn't.

20: Lots of self-medicating as this was a year of intense mixed episodes and dysphoric mania. Alcohol, painkillers, marijuana. I needed things to slow me down.
In June of this year, about a year after my breakdown, I went manic and enlisted in the military in an attempt to better my life. I was undiagnosed at this time so yeah. (Eventually got out of it, which is good, I guess.)

Then things really started getting fun.

Late 20-21: My issues became so much worse due to the addition of a friend and my dad's issues being added to mine. I felt it was my job to look out for them, without first looking out for myself and this led to a lot of agitated depression.

21: My best friend attempts suicide for the third time and this time, I just break. I become incredibly depressed and decide to stop focusing on other people. Time to focus on my own issues. So, naturally, I increase my alcohol intake.
In January of 2007, I am drunk and standing in a kitchen at 2/3am holding a butcher knife that I intend to plunge into my heart. All the alcohol-induced depression has made everything too much to take. But, thanks to racing thoughts and the indecision which comes with it, I couldn't kill myself.
After that trip (as we were on a trip when I took the knife to myself) I quit drinking for a month to see how things would be but started right back up again once the month was over.

22: I finally realize that the alcohol isn't helping anything so I decide to stop drinking. I move back in with my parents and fall into one of the deepest lethargic depressions I have ever experienced. Additionally fueled by alcohol withdrawals, this depression takes a lot out of me.

23: Mania and psychosis return with a vengeance as I spend months staying up all night, paranoid. At the peak I am holding a knife and shaking in an attempt to ward off whoever the hell was coming for me.

23-27: These years were actually pretty good. Sure, I still battled the disease from time to time, I had taken up a new hobby which helped a lot - exercise. I got in shape and stuff, but was still very far from having my life together. I just can't remember anything huge happening between these years.

27: One night, I go to bed depressed. The next morning I wake up around 3am manic as hell. In the next 2.5-3 weeks I write a book and half of another book. Then I crash.

28: The final straw: snapping at my grandma during an episode of agitated depression. A few months later my cousin would tell me about a free clinic that specializes in mental health and so I finally get in to see a professional.

29-30: Been on meds since 28. Have evened out since first starting them. My episodes are now more like bumps and dips. I have enrolled in a certificate program for exercise instruction but, ironically enough, the adjustment to the meds made me so lethargic that I have barely exercised at all in the last year.

What does the future hold? Who knows. But this is where I am at today.

[sorand0m]

CHILDHOOD: Tough upbringing with a lot of physical medical issues which carried on until my teens.

TEENS: Looking back, it was about here that things weren't quite right. I'd work through the nights on some truly out there stuff. I was angry a lot of the time. At 17 I started self-medicating with weed and alcohol as much as I could to keep myself functioning somewhat. At 18 I just upped and left my hometown, no money, no family, nothing. I lived in a strange city and I honestly don't remember much of it. I don't even know why. Someone I was close to died in a car accident.

At 19, I was again offered treatment which I again refused.

EARLY 20s: Offered treatment for depression. Refused. Racked up huge debts by buying **** I didn't need. Two suicide attempts.

23: After a six month depression, I was prodded into seeking help. I had lost a huge amount of weight, I wasn't eating and spent all day sleeping... I was so ill. Still refused. Quit my job, split all ties with family again. Self medicated my way through most of that year. Got in trouble with the police.

24: Placed on sertraline for anxiety problems. Oh boy. Resulted in my first (and only I hope) hospitalization as it sent me stratospheric. I really did lose grip on reality. Psychiatrist first suspects bipolar disorder at this point. I refuse to accept the diagnosis and treatment and get discharged a little later down the line due to being non-compliant.

28: After years of ups and downs and self medicating in a few of them places, something had to give. Dragged to hospital by family kicking, screaming and near manic. Assessed by another psychiatrist who officially diagnosed me with bipolar type 2 based off my past observed behavior and family history of MI.

And now I'm here on medication. I'm still unwell, but I feel like I'm reaching a turning point. I hope so, I really do.