I just hit the point where I cannot deal

Everyday this happens. Around three or four o clock. I just feel agitated and emotional and irritable and just want to drink to make it go away.

This is the time I start ruminating about problems I have. This is the time when I cry if someone says something irritable to me.

I just feel like it happens every day. And I am fine until the later afternoon.

I take my lami in one dose in the morning maybe I need to break it up or something. Klonopin would probably fix it but I am trying to avoid the klons for multiple reasons plus I don't want to take it everyday.

Whatever anyway. Does this kind of thing happen to anyone else?

More days than not I experience 1-3 hours of intense rage, sorrow and insanity, can;t stop thinking about killing my mother and then killing myself, very dramatic-like, pace like a crazy person, woofing down one cigarette after another, and basically just losing my mind for a couple hours, alone in this god forsaken house. Usually happen between noon and 4PM.

Hugs Capri....

Be kind to you......

My mood in general seems to plummet as the day wears on....don't know why that is so.

Thanks guys. good to hear. I just hate it because I'm too restless agitated to just slump out but I'm too unable to deal to like do anything. Alas

This happens to me as well in the evening. Days turns into night and I am agitated and want to get out of the house and DO something. I usually have like a strong NEED to get out into a social environment and probably have like five drinks. I'm not manic right now (I don't think) but this is just a part of every day life. Sometimes I stuff it down and stay at home smoking tons of cigarettes or drinking, but some days I simply HAVE to leave or I feel like I will really lose it. My mind gets too busy and I need a distraction. Yes, the rumination. Getting totally lost in thought and dwelling on past events and also obsessing a fair amount. In fact I'm kind of in this state of mind right now. I'm planning a night out dancing for my fiance and I.

Wow.Going out dancing is a big fantasy of mine! I used to LOVE it and my inner party girl is seriously stifled. Mom stuff.

And yeah I always get evening agitAtion too before this pattern has started lately. Especially around 11. I just can't be calm and I feel all anxious and weird. Which is perfect because it is bedtime.

But yeah right now it just makes me hate everything and everything is stupid and all of my irrtibLe depression type stuff. Wahoo

Well there are a number of factors that are possibly causing such chaos.....

Yes it could be your Lamictal tanking. How much are you taking? The half life is 24-43 hours. So if your med sensitive this could be the problem or part of it.

Alzheimer patients often gets whats called "sun downers" its almost like clockwork in the afternoon they get more and more agitated and confused and often mean.

I think Bipolar in many ways is the same..

If your working on the basic lifestyle hours 9-5 so to speak., By late afternoon your just tired fed up annoyed pissed of and generally cranky like a 3 year old that skipped there nap .. Of course that is going to ramp up the negative thoughts and your self worth is going to take a beating, daily .. So your mind gets use to this and you just start a vicious cycle..

How to help matters?

Certainly look at your medications. If your highly sensitive any fluctuation can send you wobbling.

Try to increase any and all coping skills when you first notice your mood starting to turn.. There's typically always a pattern.. watch for clues.. Are you hungry? maybe your blood sugar bottoms out around that time? Have a snack see if that perks you up.. hell bribe yourself with a treat for a few days and see if that helps.

Turn on lights ,open blinds turn on some music, up beat none of that trigger inducing stuff, just don't go there..

Hows your sleep at night? Are you getting enough? Are you getting quality sleep? There is a huge difference between getting 6 great deep restful hours and 12 poor lousy stuff.

Now the last bit of advise and trust me I know this is hard and your going to shake your head, I know I did when my T told me to do this.. Get a jar, pretty or neat or cute , decorate something yourself use a mason jar , whatever... Write down a whole bunch of things you like .. Like .. Summer rain, particular coffee you like , A flower, a book you love , any quotes that you like or are funny, Silly jokes or other nonsense that can be so lame that in its self makes it funny. write down " hop around like a rabbit, Play hopscotch on an imaginary sidewalk , sing kid songs .... Ok, stop shaking your head no just do it ... Pull up shyt on the internet to put on slips of paper, just write out some stuff , fold them up and toss them in the jar.. Pull one out when your hitting that wall, give it a whirl.

And if all else fails and your really losing ground take a PRN,, Better to take them a bit more often than doing a daily crash and burn that is not going to help you at all.. Its much easier to pull yourself outta a gutter than a deep dark well.

Anywho... I hope you find something that will help you fend off a whole bunch of nastiness.. I'm sure I have more lame ways that could help if these don't work out for you.

Just a question... when was the last time you bought yourself flowers? If you had to think when , or have never done so ,,, Do it ! Its a wonderful way to treat yourself well

Just like clockwork - it sucks when it's happening. I like Christina's comparison to sundowning - that's what it feels like. And it's especially frustrating because in the morning I can talk myself into thinking it'll be better today. Then, on the days when it's not, it feels like a betrayal or something, and I feel dumb for thinking it would change and hopeless that it won't. Last night, though, I forced myself into bed (even though I wasn't particularly tired) before I typically enter the late night vortex that is marked with the vicious emotions and thoughts and then efforts to avoid them - that keeps me up for HOURS, and never helps with feeling up to getting up with the kids in the morning. I'm going to try it again tonight - if that keeps working, I may just give up my quiet nights after the kids go to bed and just make a habit of getting in bed myself around the same time instead.

I like the jar idea, too - I have good things I could put in there from goofy kid jokes to song titles that I love. If I can get myself to actually open it when I need it, then that would be something!

Hoping your night goes better tonight, and tomorrow, and, and, and...

Some very good ideas. Christina you are funny. Yes you have my number a bit there but I see where you're going with that. It is a good idea. It is worth a try to see if something can penetrate my "everything is stupid" bubble. I see myself throwing the jar or something so maybe an envelope

It is also an interesting idea, NoIdea, to try to go to bed earlier and see if that helps the late at night weird strange anxious emotions. I wonder if they are a time thing or just a lights off and lonely thing. Although there are times that I love when the house is quiet and everyone else is sleeping peacefully and it is just me. Gosh I really do change all the time it's like I'm Bipolar or something.

I know what you mean though about wanting the time without the kids. I don't know if I could go on without it.

As for tonight, I worked on my thoughts doing my "skills" and felt like my head was calmer but what always happens is that even when I feel like I have resolved some of the rumination issues that are bothering me....the thoughts are still jumbled and I'm still having a physiological event feeling jittery and buzzy and agitated and blah and I've just spent sooooooo much of my life trying to breath and gratitude journal and yoga my way out of that **** and I try and it just never cuts the mustard.

So I popped the benzo and puff it's like putting the lid on a pot on fire. Thank you God for benzos!

I am so grateful for this forum for making me feel like I am not the only one going through this! For a year, I would pace around the house from 4 or 5 pm till I was too tired and needed to sleep. Recently, I took up alcohol to sooth me, but I don't want it to become a habit. I don't want to keep taking Xanax and sleeping it off either... This is getting too hard to cope with!

So today it started at 1 pm. It was worse. I ceased to be able to deal with anything though I did kept doing to obviously but I caught myself crying because of how fat and ugly and stupid and I am and how now one cares about me. I am not fat or ugly and stupid and lots of people care about me and I know this. But it just still feels bad some how. I tried all the positive stuff and I have them all around me so it's like I know they are there and I am there with that part of my brain even though somewhere else everything is shortcircuiting and my brain is making me feel like something really bad has happened but nothing happened.

I took the klonopin which took a lot of the physical agitation away. I was wellish for awhile and now I have come to that point where I am like unable to be around my family because I just feel too dull/crushed/out of it etc. I just end up snapping at my husband and being super sensitive about everything.

This is like the next step of my lows. Like someone dumped sand on my head and then put a weighted blanket over my head and I start having a harder time playing normal.

And now I destroyed my sig. I never changed it for 4 and a half years. Oh well. It was stupid. Wow do you hear this ****?

I guess I need to buy a ticket for the agitated depression train.

My doctor prescribed lorazapam a very low dose for those kinds of moments. Sometimes that works well for me, if it doesnt, I take a pillow and blanket and curl up in the bathtub so I dont offend anyone

You said mostly these things are happening around 4. Aren't you a teacher? Is there any chance that you give yourself permission to let go of what it takes to be a teacher about that time as the school day ends? I grew up with 2 teachers and I know that my mom especially had to work to change from teacher to mom every day. My father didn't need to transition but he was a terrible teacher so there's that.....But I know that one reason I liked jobs with a longer commute was that I got through that transition before I was home. People didn't understand that well but it helped me.

Should the klonopin do the same thing? Yes the bathtub thing is good. Sometimes I like sitting in the car. Don't know why.

Hey no I'm not a teacher. I'm a sahm. Which brings with it many challenges that don't help things like this but this is now happening more and differently then usual. I think looking back I may be seeing how there may be something of a slide going on but I have also been cycling mildly for so long that I might be back up or at least more up in a couple of days. Ugh

Sorry. That feeling of not feeling good but not knowing exactly why just sucks.

Stupid bipolar

I'm reading a novel right now where a character has a painful injury and the pain management therapist tells her to give the pain a name (Melvin) and talk to "him", swear at him, whatever it takes to cope and live with the pain. She finds out that it is easier to work with Melvin but I keep thinking how well this could be applied to bipolar. I normally don't swear but bipolar will make me do it if I'm manic (good sign I'm becoming manic in fact) and I will swear at the symptoms in my head. The only problem is that I can't find a name for bipolar that I'm willing to subject to that kind of hatred.