[HALLIEBETH87]

I am anxious like I have an impending doom waits for me. I feel like my life is standing still almost and this is all there is for me. I have unwanted bad thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore. I have had good days recently but today feels only bad. I want to cry but I'm not sure why. I just feel I need to. Maybe it would make things better, to cry. Maybe if I can look outside like I feel inside it will go away. I hate how I look and want to be different. I want to be anything but me. I'm fat so I eat less and don't get seconds or eat what I want to.

I try to use DBT skills I've learned but they don't seem to be much help. I could call phone coaching for some advice but I wont. I don't want to bother anyone with my crap. That's all I feel I am-a ****ing burden. I'm always in the way. The fat ugly girl with bad hair who is always in the way. I haven't self-harmed in over a month but I'm fighting urges.

I'm having ugly ugly thoughts. I almost don't care. Why should I?

[Capriciousness]

It is so hard to care in those places. I know. It is one of the things that stuns me every time. How I can be so sure that I will never do something and then that old mood rolls around again and again it just wipes all intentions and clear thinking away. I don't know if you will agree but this sounds like BP talking. Just try not to engage with it to much. Put on your headphones or something to stop thinking and listening in your head. I hope it eases up soon.

[Mrs. Mania]

Are you still around those kitty's? If so, try to focus on their silliness. Hold on, it will get better, we gotta believe that

[cashart10]

I'm so sorry Hallie Beth! I hope you feel better soon.

[lovejoy91]

Get well, soon. Remember, this is temporarily.

[Imah]

I think I feel impending doom similarly. Your not alone. I haven't figured out why it could happen. I usually can put some logical reason to the most odd things a fantasy teller in my own head.

I say, impending doom is like something is just over the horizon - huge and inpenetrable. If I were to give it an image, that image is depicted in Stephen Kings - Langoliers.

It makes no sense, and yet so real it is palpable.

----------------

Having the need to contact another person to get us over tough times is very hard when our self worth is low. So I will have you look at it from another vantage point.

If I were feeling down, and I called you - and you helped me feel better, or least of all, not alone - would that make you feel worth? Would you feel good, knowing you helped another? By not calling your coach, you are not allowing that person an opportunity coaching personal are there for.

Most people in the health field do so because they want to help others.

When I call the crisis center, it may seem mediocre to me - but I do so because I cannot overcome the current emotion that prompted me to call. You are in that state.

<3 Best of luck to you, and to us all.

[Crazy Hitch]

((((((((((Hallie))))))))))

[CopperStar]

Hang in there, time will bring you better perspective, promise. I've had pleeenty of days/nights (weeks, months..) of feeling that way. And being stuck in the moment of wishing I could just change my body, like to the point of serious self-loathing and extremist behaviors. I believe it stemmed deeply from childhood trauma/abuse issues. But eventually my perspective changed, and that was what needed to change, not my physical form. It will come for you someday, too, I swear it. One day you will look around and notice that very few everyday people are miraculously stunning, just average, some homely, sure, but even in that average-homely way, tons of people with extra weight, all different looks in face, hair, etc. And most of them are enjoying life, the little things.. food, pets, sharing some laughs, watching Netflix at night in their sweatpants, to each their own. We're all just humans, chillin and floatin through life together, enjoying the little things. And that includes you, another human, just trying to float through life, enjoy some stuff, be a good person, the basics, like most others. It's gonna be chill.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Mania

Are you still around those kitty's? If so, try to focus on their silliness. Hold on, it will get better, we gotta believe that

Yea I'm still cat sitting. I see her twice a day. She's wild.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I had a super good day thursday-not manic, just genuinely happy. I'm faking being ok. Deep down I feel really bad.

[elevatedsoul]

you're not alone
ive been suffering from anhedonia for a year or so now and feel like there is no point to anything, but i know thats just my illness talking and im trying to push myself to remain positive and tell myself that when i see my pdoc next week we'll make some changes that will hopefully help me to feel better

when do you see your pdoc next? maybe you can focus on the next appointment?
thats what i do

[raspberrytorte]

I can relate to the impending doom feeling. When I was unmedicated I felt like that everyday (the anxiety). I'd talk to your doctor. Maybe you just need a med tweak or something.

Hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

[Capriciousness]

How are ya today Hallie.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I see pdoc august 6. Im ok...

[HALLIEBETH87]

I guess I will just ride this wave and hope I get to serene water soon. I hate it cause I feel os hungry and don't want to eat. I don wanna gain back what Ive lost but my stupid stomach wants food. Stupid. My mind is full of negative

[HALLIEBETH87]

My mind is dark and scary today. I'm baking a cake to be mindful and distracted but the thoughts don't go away.

I'm starting to get concerned myself. I try to use Teflon mind and let thoughts come and go but they don't leave even though I use participation in distractions.

[Dulce1987]

[quote=HALLIEBETH87;4553014]I am anxious like I have an impending doom waits for me. I feel like my life is standing still almost and this is all there is for me.
Dear Hallie Beth, I'm so sorry! I'm feeling that way today, too. Not sure why! I hate when this happens. Of course, we've all read & know that these sorts of feelings, moods etc. are due to our brain chemistry & that things will turn around but that is no help when we are so down. Hugs to you from someone who knows how rough it can be!