[cashart10]

Possible trigger:

If you truly love us you will never think of, well maybe you'll think of, but you'll NEVER truly consider suicide. You will RUIN your kids and me.

I know this is true yet I still do consider it, all the time. My life is not at all rough. Like my husband says, if anyone else had my life, they would be set.Not me; I have a poisonous mind.

[Nammu]

Depression is a selfish bastard that that invades our thoughts and makes it hard to see the positives. You don't need that guilt tripping on top of fighting of fighting the depression. I understand he is frustrated and probably upset he can't just fix the problem but you need to not blame yourself. realize he's letting off steam, as long as you are getting help and working on getting better that's all you can do.

[meganb22]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time As Sidestepper said, depression is sneaky and selfish. It is such an incredibly hard place to be in. I can understand your husbands frustration because I'm assuming it's coming from a place of fear and love. My mom tried to end her life and I was angry and sad and hurt. If she had succeeded a part of me would have died and it would have changed my life forever- and not in a good way. I'm thankful every single day that by some miracle she survived.

But I can also understand the mind frame you're in. In my deepest depression I have had the same thoughts you have. They are insidious and are always lurking in the back of your mind. Depression and those type of thoughts aren't logical. They don't stop to consider other people because all you know is your pain. For people who haven't had these issues, I truly believe they can't understand what it's like. It's a dark place and you shouldn't be getting a guilt trip from your husband because that isn't going to help.

I hope you're getting the help you need and I hope you feel better.

It is the one thing I have SWORN to my sons. That I would never, ever commit suicide.

I don't know if this helps you or not. It helps me because it reminds me that mothers are irreplaceable.

And no matter what, I will be there for them.

I am unmarried.

[Capriciousness]

He is just not understanding the illness. The desire to commit suicide is symptom of the illness. It isn't a measure of your love. Statements like that just ramp up the guilt even more and trigger more of the episode and create a struggling clinging energy in you.


https://bipolarfirst.wordpress.com/2...uicide-stigma/

I am sure you love your babies and your husband. I feel sad for him that this symptom of your illness makes him feel unloved

sad

and sad for you.

[raspberrytorte]

My husband has said something similar. Well, except for the whole if you truly love us you'll never think of suicide.

But he did say that if I did suicide it would ruin him and our daughter. He said he'd always wonder what he could have done to prevent it. He's said he'd never recover from it. I think he's the reason why I've never really tried to commit suicide. (Last time I DID NOT try to kill myself. It was complicated. I was psychotic.) I don't know where I'd be right now without him. He's so supportive. He's like my anchor or something. I could never leave him like that. We're soul mates, best friends. I'd NEVER do that to him.

It is insidious. The suicidal thoughts. When I've had them I never actually wanted to die. I just couldn't handle the way I was feeling.

So maybe your husband should have said something along the lines of: If you committed suicide, you would ruin your kids and me. We need you and love you.

Or something like that. No need for the guilt trip.

And you don't have a poisonous mind.

[Crazy Hitch]

My husband reminds me: "Think of the kids".

And he's right you know, I don't want my kids going through that kind of pain of losing their mother unnecessarily

Just my thoughts.

I agree with what everyone says. This disease makes it hard to think clearly sometimes. Our loved one need us and we need them.

You don't have a poisonous mind. We have all thought of "it".

Your husband should have said it more delicately.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

It is the one thing I have SWORN to my sons. That I would never, ever commit suicide.

I don't know if this helps you or not. It helps me because it reminds me that mothers are irreplaceable.

And no matter what, I will be there for them.

I am unmarried.

I was similar to this. I made the agreement with myself I would wait until the youngest turned 18. Of course, a new project came along before that happened, and now I am glad I am alive - and have even reached the mental understanding that it isn't death I wanted. Good luck to you Cashart, and to us all.

I've had 2 professionals tells me that if I loved my son, I wouldn't consider suicide. People just have no clue I guess.

Your husband only says this because he loves you. But I know that doesn't make the guilt trip any easier to take.

[cashart10]

Thanks for everything; especially for stating I don't have a poisonous mind. It certainly feels that way, but I feel better to hear otherwise. You all make me smile. I know my husband loves me and means well but, just as you agree, he is rather harsh sometimes. For those who say they don't want to die, I used to feel that way. Right now, I wish I didn't have family who would suffer; I wish I could overcome my fears; I wish I could just do it. I feel suicidal at the mere thought of leaving the couch. Truly, I feel suicidal for that reason. It is disturbing. I may have mentioned this, can't remember, but I saw a woman weed-eating her grass a few days ago. It occurred to me that I would never again be able to do that. Ridiculous thought! True thought. I barely remember when to bathe, or how to care for my children. My niece spent the night last night and told my sister this morning that she "didn't get breakfast because Aunt Sarah didn't leave the couch." It's true, no one in this house ate anything except snacks until 11 AM (because my husband fixed brunch). What am I becoming? Nothing except a cavalier.

I know the feeling Cashart. I am a stay at home mom single mom. I order a lot of pizza. And I do my best. It is very, very hard.

I just constantly tell my kids I love them and the way I act is no reflection on them. I have guilt everyday.

Just do your best. That is all I can say.

Sometimes , I feel the same way you are feeling now. Remember it is a cycle and you are changing up your meds.

I have been pretty consistently depressed since my last mania. My doctor is going to wean me onto a different antidepressant.

[Manic Trance]

Feeling suicidal not related to your capacity for love. That comparison should not be drawn. I am a parent and feel terrible for what I put my family through, but I don't do it because I don't love them. My wife is often less than supportive. Can't blame her. Have totally had my daughter on snacks only until around 11 before. Feels bad, but you do what you can.

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[beeutterfly]

Most people who have never been in such a position don't understand the pain and desperation that comes with suicidal thoughts and attempts. I'm sure he means well, but a guilt trip, I imagine, is only going to further upset you and the issues you're dealing with. It's unhelpful.