[Komfortable]

Hey guys, I want to start by saying that I really am thankful for this place. It's been wonderful reading so many stories and learning about so many others that are in my shoes. I've been lurking, but hadn't felt like contributing until today.

Here's where my head is at today. I'm BP1 and have been diagnosed for several years, but I don't take med anymore because I like to live, and feel, and emote. I know it's a bad idea, and now I'm going to change that. This weekend I went on a short float trip with some friends during a strong hypomania episode, and things got a little out of control. I drank a lot. Nearly 70 beers on Saturday, blacked out by noon. Woke up Sunday morning with another woman in my tent. I should have mentioned that I'm in a pretty serious relationship, but she was not on this trip. Needless to say, I'm having some extreme panic attacks. I don't know what to do, but I can tell you that I'd much rather die than tell my girlfriend about this. I haven't slept in 2 days, I can't focus on work. I've locked my gun up, but I still think I might really kill myself. I don't know how I let this happen.

Is this the fault of the alcohol? The BP? Or am I just a monster?

What do I do?

[healingme4me]

I probably, myself wouldn't consider you a monster for a lapse in judgement. You're reaching out here, clearly remorseful and in anguish. And for how severely depressed this is leaving you, it's good to talk it out.
Sounds like depression brought you to consume such a large amount of alcohol. It's effect could still be lingering.
Are you a member of AA or similar? Do you have a sponsor, someone that may more than understand what needs to be addressed and how to guide you?
One step, at a time.

[CopperStar]

Well, it is your responsibility to manage your mental illness, and to not get blackout drunk and do things you don't remember doing, like sleeping with other people. So I won't sugar coat this, because it is important that you grasp the gravity in order to motivate yourself to get better. You need to get tested for STDs out of respect for your partner, don't put her at risk, get tested and make sure you have not caught anything from the lady in the tent. And then it's time to get on a proper medication and possibly some therapy so you can work towards preventing this sort of thing. Stuff like this happens to a lot of people with bipolar disorder, and a lot of us go through tough learning experiences / life lessons along the way. It is not your fault that you have bipolar disorder, but it is your responsibility to manage it to the best of your ability. It is best to learn from this and allow it to be a wake up call for you, time to get serious about treatment.

[roads]

I agree with Copperstar, re: responsibility. Definitely get tested for STDs, and face up to what you have done--what you have chosen to do. I don't think BP caused you to take that first drink ... You did. Are you alcoholic? I am, and I think the alcoholism and bipolar are a devastating combination. Once I choose that first drink, I seldom stop. It usually drives my hypomanic into mania, when all the worst of BP kicks in.

If your girlfriend knows you well and has learned about you illnesses, I suspect she'll be more horrified and concerned about the seventy beers (!!!) than the other woman. Unless you see that (or any) other woman again.

I think you're a fairly typical bipolar alcohoholi. In my experience, a pdoc who will take the time to find the best meds for you and an AA sponsor who has (or is willing to gain) some understanding of BP can help you turn your life around. But YOU have a h€ll of a lot of work to do every day. It's a lifetime commitment, but well worth the effort.

Best wishes.
roads

[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Well, it is your responsibility to manage your mental illness, and to not get blackout drunk and do things you don't remember doing, like sleeping with other people. So I won't sugar coat this, because it is important that you grasp the gravity in order to motivate yourself to get better. You need to get tested for STDs out of respect for your partner, don't put her at risk, get tested and make sure you have not caught anything from the lady in the tent. And then it's time to get on a proper medication and possibly some therapy so you can work towards preventing this sort of thing. Stuff like this happens to a lot of people with bipolar disorder, and a lot of us go through tough learning experiences / life lessons along the way. It is not your fault that you have bipolar disorder, but it is your responsibility to manage it to the best of your ability. It is best to learn from this and allow it to be a wake up call for you, time to get serious about treatment.

I agree with this one. You have to tell her...

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[Tucson]

+1 @CopperStar

Bluntly, 70? And you are alive? Do you think you are an alcoholic? That to me be be the question I would ask first if I were your GF.

I agree with copperstar.

I'm also with Valentina and surprised you are still breathing after 70 beers. Was that a typo? You could have easily died.

You are not a monster, but you are definitely not healthy. Can you stop drinking and reach out to a professional for help? You said "I locked up my gun". This leads me to believe you are in a very bad head space and need help sooner, rather than later. Do you have access to a doctor?

70 beers, done it MANY times.... never died or even needed hospital and my pdocs have always known - was never told it was a problem, life threatening etc, pdocs asked if its a good party! Pansy americans.

I wouldnt blame the BP for this. Blame the booze. And the booze blues you now have. See a therapist asap. Stay safe.

[~Christina]

How can anyone drink 70 beers in a day? Seriously 24 hours in a day and 70 beers? Im picturing gulping down a beer and going pee at the same time?

I can't wrap my head around that number..

[Crazy Hitch]

I think posters above have pretty much addressed most of what I would have said.

So the only thing I wanted to say is that if you're currently having these thoughts:

"I still think I might really kill myself."

that you should seek professional support before you land up doing something to yourself.

[Edgar's Mom]

I agree with everyone who says that it's your responsibility to take steps to try to prevent this thing from happening again. And it's great news.--that you can. There are things you can do to help minimize the impact of your illness..

That said I bet everyone on this board has some sort of story like that from some point in the past where their bipolar lead them to do something they wouldn't otherwise do. I know I certainly have, and I know how hopeless it feels after. Instead of dwelling on that, use that energy to make a positive change.

It sounds like drinking is very dangerous for you and I think you should stop immediately. If you think that's going to be difficult then definitely get help on that front as people have suggested from someone who deals with addictions.

You say your gun is locked up… Who has the key? It's not very much good if you do :-/

I'm sending you a big hug because I can well imagine how you feel right now. I know what it's like to be filled with self-loathing and regret.

I think the best way you can make yourself start to feel better is to take immediate action to try to make sure this does not happen again.

Is it just when you drink when your bipolar gets you in trouble or do you have issues with mania when you're not drinking?

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[Komfortable]

Thank you all for your responses. I really don't have a problem with alcohol (spoken like a true alcoholic). I don't drink often, I don't need to get drink every time I drink, and I don't drink 70 beers often. This was actually the first time, and no, not a typo.

I decided to man up and tell her what happened. She was more understanding than I thought she might be, citing the alcohol as the likely culprit, and how she knows I wouldn't seek out someone, and was thankful that I came forward. However, in the fight that ensued (because I lost my cool after a few wild accusations were made) I discovered that maybe this isn't where I want to be. There is a ton of pressure (from her) to get married...like NOW...and I just don't know if I'm at a place where I think it's a good idea. I don't want to ask someone to commit to me when I'm not well. I'm going to find a new T and Pdoc and get myself under control and then evaluate where I want to go with my life. For now we have seperate and I'm lucky enough to have an understanding friend with her own issues who has taken me in and made sure I am safe.

To answer some other questions:

Key to the safe the gun is in are not in my posession, though the safe is. I am responsible for it, after all.

70 beers isn't too hard to get down when you start at 0800. I imagine I ran out at around 0130 the next morning, which is likely when I went to bed. I also stayed very hydrated; I took a bunch of Pedialite with me for just this reason. I didn't plan on drinking all of the beer alone, however. It was originally to be shared, but everyone brought their own...so...

My mood has been all over the place this week, most likely due to extreme sleep disruption. I've hit some pretty low spots, but the suicidal thoughts have mostly subsided. At least to the point where I can dismiss the idea as silly.

My bipolar gets me in trouble a lot, not just when I drink. Mostly just at home, though. I'm good at "acting normal" in public, and have been told often that I'm always very cheery at work. Though my coworkers wouldn't say that about me this week. They have been acting weird around me and treating me like a lost child all week. I must not be faking it very well. My mania is the worst when I drink, and depression is the worst when my sleep is disrupted.

I cannot express how grateful I am for all of your support, suggestions, and honest feedback. So often I get sugarcoat ed responses or mean feedback when I ask for help, so this was a breath of fresh air.