[raspberrytorte]

Everyone has a story.

What is yours regarding the progression of your illness and how you found out about it?

[Sesiley]

Ever since I can remember, I thought I was the most special person in the world chosen by god. I had even been an angel. My imaginary friends were angels. I was psychic too.

When I came an adult, I was still psychic and could see things out of nowhere in my head that I could not control.

I had a baby and lost the second one. Had post partum depression but I was misdiagnosed. I actually had post partum psychosis. I thought my first born was evil. I then got put in an antidepressant....oops yeah....sex beale my number one thing in the marriage, I was psychic, acted on impulse quitting jobs and school, going to Florida last minute. I put myself in risky situations. I then got pregnant during a 1 week separation with my husband.

I still believed I was psychic and had a chosen purpose for the end of the world, racing thoughts, hypersexuality, act on impulse, couldn't concentrate, talk to spirits, delusional even.

As time went on it got worse....I became a stripper for two months during a mania, I would separate during those mania after I had put myself in unfaithful situations...

I was tired of the same cycle...over and over...so I tried to get help. I was diagnosed bipolar...but I had another episode and I wasn't with husband again....I got on more meds and it started working for me where I then got diagnosed schitzoaffective disoreder...

My biggest issues were thinking I was psychic, chosen for the end of the world, talk to spirits, very very delusional....

There could probably be more, but I'm gonna stop here...

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[Sesiley]

Oh and I started hearing things and was paranoid. I had two demonic possession episodes, psychotic...where I was not me....many times were weird and floaty during mania but I felt good and right...not until afterwards...come down that I would realize what a wrong that I did.

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[BipolaRNurse]

I was diagnosed bipolar at age 53 and bipolar 1 at 55. I think I've had it for most if not all of my life, however, with my first clinical depression at age 10 and a second, worse one at 13. I also had what I now know to be hypo/manic episodes in which I was very impulsive, aggressive, irritable OR elated, hyper and oversexed. I've also had religious delusions on many occasions throughout my life that I'm still not certain really are delusions---there are times when I believe 100% that I hear the voice of God gently directing me and comforting me.

About 10 years before I was diagnosed, my sister and I were looking at books in Costco and ran across Jane Pauley's book Skywriting. Leafing through the book, which is about her bipolar disorder among other things, my sister recognized some of my own behaviors and said "I think you have that." I looked through the book too and had to agree. But at the time, all I knew about bipolar was that you had to see a psychiatrist and take lithium, neither of which I was about to do, so I limped along for the next decade having behaviors which scared my family and I didn't have a clue as to what was happening.

Long story short, I got to the breaking point where my PCP literally demanded that I see a pdoc or he wasn't going to treat me anymore. He thought I had something way more serious than what he could deal with, and he turned out to be right. I was diagnosed bipolar NOS, then a couple of years later it was changed to bipolar 1 because it had progressed despite meds and therapy. I'm much more stable now, but it was a rough few years.

Thanks for making this thread, raspberrytorte. I'm not up to telling my story atm, but I do like to know people's stories. It's nice (and interesting, too!) to know where everyone is coming from. Seeing shared common ground that we often may not otherwise realize.

Story. Mostly depressed, some great manic times - great memories. I no longer go manic more so dysphoric / mixed at *best*. Hormonal issues caused by long term medication use. Too many IP and sections to count, mutiple meds and combos. Having trouble taking my meds as prescribed, it wasnt an issue until now, I feel like they poison me sometimes

[Christopher1990]

I had a great childhood and I was always happy. First born and it was always all about me growing up. My best friend died when I was 8. This affected me as it was something I never really got over. I went to private school and then switched to public in 5th grade. I think this may have also led to my diagnosis. Anyways, I had a lot of friends, very athletic and had everything going for me. Summer of 7th grade I had my first manic episode. It all started when we took a family vacation to the shore. I couldn't sleep, and I started talking about all sorts of things that weren't normal. They didn't know what was wrong with me as it all happened so fast, they thought I took acid.

At 13 I ended up in a hospital and I was drugged to the point where i couldn't even function. I had no idea what was going on.. I was there for 3 weeks.

From 13-18 I was pretty stable and only needed 250mg of depakote. I had a bad breakup senior year and started smoking weed, drinking and doing pills. Ended up in the psych ward senior year for being manic. Went to senior week manic, doing any type of drug I saw, and lastd about 22 hours until I got in trouble by the cops for having a fake i.d.

Things seemed to get worse the older i got.. Left college went back home.. Smoking weed everyday ended up getting a d.u.i. At 20. Probabtion. Sober for 9 months, did well in school, ended up getting my associate degree cus I couldn't finish due to another mania, after stopping my meds. Was off meds for 5 months until I relapsed.

Another manic episode about 9 months later from a gambling binge and getting too high from pot. I kept smoking and it would be all good, but it would end up leading to another manic episode. Went back to school last year, too much stress dropped out for the third time ended up being hospitalized for a month. Got out met some crazy girl in the psych ward, made me even more crazy, ended up going back for 3 weeks.

24 now, been stable for about 10 months. I still love weed, but don't think it mixes well with meds havnt smoked in 4 months and don't plan on smoking any time soon as I found out it only makes this disease worse. Now I'm on disability and havnt worked in almost a year. Have to stay on disability for another year until I could get off.

I won't except the fact that i need to take pills for the rest of my life. I feel like they can actually make you worse and I believe there's alternatives.
I believe my manias have had spiritual meaning and feel like they could be some sort of kunahlini, spiritual awakening experience, but these pill pushers in Western Society don't think anything about that.
I've have been extremely delusional on occasions thinking I was God, communicate with nature and animals. Television and music talking about me. Traveling different dimensions, worlds, thought I was an alien.. Had visions, hallucinations while looking at people for too long.

What I have learned is that sleep is the most important thing for me, drugs and alcohol only worsen everything. And stay away from stress as much as possible.

My depressions haven't been bad, luckily. Just oversleeping and eating too much, being pessimstic, losing faith. No suicidal thoughts. I try to stay positive and will never give up hope. Don't plan on heading back to the psych ward ever again.

Lots of stuff I left out, but that's basically my brief story. Interested in hearing everyone else's.

[FireKitty]

I've always been one to feel my emotions rather strongly. We always just thought I was REALLY in touch with my emotional side. Mom was bipolar and was afraid of passing on her illness to my brother and I. She watched us like a hawk for signs and thought that if we passed the age of 25 without an episode, we were in the clear. Don't know WHY she thought this, but she did.

Fast forward to 2012 and mom passes away. A little over a year later, my brother dies in 2013. With back to back traumatic deaths, it didn't phaze me that I was sad or having a hard time coping. However, I began to isolate severely and it began taking a toll.

Huge changes came at work and my husband developed a friendship with a female that I was uncomfortable with. Anxiety built to a fever pitch that I could not take anymore. It was then I reached out for help and after describing my symptoms (mainly depressed, a little normal and a little manic plus the anxiety) and I was diagnosed Bipolar type II.

It's the cliff's notes version anyway

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Thanks for making this thread, raspberrytorte. I'm not up to telling my story atm, but I do like to know people's stories. It's nice (and interesting, too!) to know where everyone is coming from. Seeing shared common ground that we often may not otherwise realize.

I don't feel like sharing mine at the moment either, but maybe later. Knowing me, I'd end up writing a frickin novel. Lol!

[BrandonAK]

Luckily, I am completely unmotivated to finish my probability & statistics homework due today, so I'll share mine .

I was diagnosed after a suicide attempt back when I was 19. I took Depakote for a while, but when I felt better I stopped.

Fast forward about 4.5 years. My now ex wife was under the impression that I was a sociopath. I would go through these fits of rage and be totally depressed after. She wouldn't accept the fact that I might carry any other mental diseases. Her parents believed that there is no such thing as a mental disorder, that you can just push through anything.

Needless to say, I visited psychiatrists many times over those 4.5 years. Every time one would ask me about bipolar, I'd tell them to f*** off. As such, they gave me everything from anxiety medication to ADHD medication (trying to help symptoms).

Back in March, a particularly strong manic phase hit me. I decided that I was too good for my wife. She always put me down about forgetting things, feeling up or down, fighting, etc. So I left. I felt great; I was free. I quickly found a better relationship and moved forward with my life. I was very confident.

Of course, being alone meant depression and I ended up in a mixed state that pretty much screwed up a new relationship I had started, so I moved to go to graduate school spontaneously. Being even more alone meant more depression.

I finally decided, after being scared of how low I felt, to go see a psychiatrist in the area. I decided to not tell her to f*** off and that I actually wanted to change my life. Now I'm here, titrating up my Lamictal.

-B

[WibblyWobbly]

Ok... You asked for it!

I have had PTSD on and off for many years due to being abused by my dad (he spent 12 years in prison). I OD'd on Effexor when I was 18, two weeks into my script, but wasn't put in the psych ward because the psychiatrist who evaluated thought it was a cry for attention. It wasn't unusual for me to be depressed over the years because I never got trauma treatment. It wasn't something we knew of back then and my mom was working the night shift trying to put a roof over our heads.

I had sudden onset of fibromyalgia in 2010 after my twin got violently ill while we were traveling. She almost got detained in a foreign country as a suspected drug smuggler and by the time we got home she was hallucinating and delusional and kept trying to rip out her IVs and escape from the hospital so she could "go home to die." We were told that if she had left she would have died because her kidneys were shutting down. Those first 24 hours were traumatic for me and brought back my PTSD in a bad way. I used to have nightmares as a small child about my twin dying and it has always been my greatest fear.

Last year, nearly a year into my dream job, I was diagnosed with two more chronic illnesses, adenomyosis (uterus) and interstitial cystitis (bladder). I found out if I was to get pregnant there was a chance my uterus would rupture in the second trimester. At the same time I had surgery to remove a fibroid. All of this had my fibro pain through the roof so my PCP started me on Effexor. I had used it successfully for 5 years, so I didn't think it necessary to mention I had OD'd on it. Two weeks after starting it I had euphoria and sent texts to my family gushing about how much I loved them, I felt so clear, must have been depressed and not realized it, etc. A few weeks later I was inpatient at a psychiatric facility for the first time due to suicidal ideation. Med changes, release, therapy, then at the end of September my boyfriend found me OD'd on muscle relaxers (I'm a moron, it was my brother's birthday and I don't think he'll ever forgive me). I don't remember anything until waking up in inpatient.

I had three more inpatient hospitalizations and two partial. On my third visit I was diagnosed as bipolar. It made sense. Over the years I had bouts of spending over a thousand dollars a week on crap and feeling like the most creative person on the planet. Jewelry making, scrapbooking, elaborate cake-baking, sewing, off the top of my head. "It's ok to 'invest' all this money because I can start a business and make it all back." "I'll never have to buy clothes again!" I also smelled nasty things everywhere and jammed to music no one else could hear.

Between all those hospitalizations I started cutting and had some pretty bad mixed episodes where I was highly suicidal. I also said some pretty nasty things to everyone I love. It took a toll on my relationship and on Christmas Eve, right after I was discharged from my 4th hospitalization and feeling pretty euphoric, my boyfriend of 12 years broke up with me. I was right back in the hospital for the lovely, lovely holidays. Apparently I spent the next three weeks calling and making death threats to my family multiple times a day because I thought they were conspiring to keep me in the hospital (I don't remember, and the twin is so hurt she doesn't believe me). After I was discharged my boyfriend told me he was breaking the lease on our apartment and I needed to move in with my mom. I also lost my perfect job once I went on long-term disability and was handcuffed a couple times. I once spent a couple hours hiding from the cops in some bushes and another time left the hospital barefoot in a paper gown in the rain with security chasing me until an involuntary admission was approved and the cops could escort me back. I remember thinking, "I should be disturbed by how low I've sunk, but I'm not. That's kinda disturbing."

Since all that I've done 40 rounds of TMS and not gonna lie, I've been chasing that high while my pdoc has done his damnedest to prevent it. My family and treatment team's consensus is that the untreated trauma is aggravating my depression and I've grudgingly agreed to go to an inpatient trauma program for about 2 weeks, after my insurance clears it.

Sorry that was so long and all over the place. It felt good to purge.

[dvious00]

Thanks for this thread.. I like to hear others stories... We all have unique but somewhat similar ones... I would like to share mine as well but I too am afraid it would turn into a novel... Long story short.. Was diagnosed like 15 years ago ... I believe I am bipolar I w/psychosis. Messed with meds more than once(tried to ween myself of them because I thought they got diagnosis wrong ...I thought I just had a problem with self medicating with drugs and alcohol....

... End result was having manic episodes followed by crash and burn bouts of depression

I struggled alot growing up with sleep issues, self harm and general ups and downs. IT's progressed far beyond what i ever thought it would. There's actually a lot to tell as far as how i got to where i am….rather that retype it, it can be found here:http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...anic-mind.html
WARNING: TRIGGERS

[LettinG0]

Thanks for the thread.........I'm trying to come up with a condensed version

[cashart10]

I am diagnosed with bipolar 1, severe with psychotic features. I can quote my diagnosis because I just read my chart from my previous pdoc; that was interesting.

I had an extremely sexual relationship with one of my closest girl friends that lasted about a year (from about 10 to 11); we sometimes would size up and then include (or not include) some of our friends in the sexual activities. I was very traumatized by this but couldn't stop because, well, it felt good obviously and because I was an adolecent. I am certain this is not the cause of my Bipolar as there are clear genetic components, but it set the tone for depression and guilt in my life.

I left a highly sheltered eigth grade class of about 27 people (if I remember correctly) and entered a highly unrestricted freshman class of about 450 people. I am generally strongly affected by change and this in particular change was the biggest of my life. It was distressful at the least. I began crying daily. Eventually I started to SI and started loathing myself. It was at the discovery of the SI that my mother sent me to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with MD.

After a year of hell for both my family and me, someone suggested a new pdoc to my mom. This new pdoc reviewed my symptoms, monitored me, and diagnosed me with BP. Of course, it took years (about 4) for me to feel better. But, I began to feel so much better that I decided I had either been incorrectly diagnosed or I had been healed. I had 8 years of what I thought to be stability. In hidsight, I had episodes, especially of depression and including a major postpartum depression. At 28, I gave my video testimony to be included in a popular Bible study. Reliving my past and knowing that it would be out there for the world to see was both distressing and ego boosting. It was majorly stressful. The stress from this event, I believe, caused my psychotic break. I became insanely manic within months. I was extremely hyper religious and, eventually, psychotic. This episode, which started wonderfully then turned into a bad, bad, bad episode, lasted about 6 months. That was about 3 1/2 years ago and I have hardly been stable since. I have spent most of my time depressed but I have bounced from bouts of mania to infrequent stability.

Anyway, that's my story. Thanks for the thread!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My life started with PTSD and it's hard to know what is what sometimes. Most young stuff I call PTSD although it certainly fed into BP as well.

In my early teens I became suicidal and was diagnosed with depression but it wasn't treated because my mom was too afraid to tell my father I had this diagnosis. So I went until I was 18 with the only treatment being some counseling through CPS.

In college I started seeing a therapist regularly. I refused meds for a long time but agreed to them the fall of my senior year, during my first big crash from mania, which I lied about so he wouldn't know how high I'd traveled in the summer. That lie delayed diagnosis for years.

ADs were a mess for me; they kept trying SSRIs and I kept getting "agitated" on them. That was, of course, mania but my life was so bad that the therapist thought it was trauma and this made sense so it wasn't diagnosed.

In grad school I saw my first psychiatrist. He continued to treat for recurrent depression and kept changing my meds as they didn't work or sedated me too much. He died 6 months before I graduated and his replacement asked if I might be bipolar the day I met her which scared me so badly I left and wouldn't return.

When I started working and studying for my boards I lost it. I cycled wildly for 18 months while working with a psychiatrist who I later learned had no clue what I was telling her. She thought I was fine.

Eventually I got so much worse with her that I got suicidal and so I started lithium to boost my ADs and counseling. That made it very clear i was cycling so I got a temporary BP diagnosis. I managed to do some research online, understood I was bipolar, and got into a mood disorder clinic with a top expert in bipolar. With him I did a 6 month clinical trial for a med combo and then moved on to my current pdoc.

It's been 12 years with her now and we're still trying to get me relatively stable. I've been there briefly a few times but not long enough to even say "stable". I spend most of my time in some degree of mixed and so my best is usually mixed mild. I've been on 67 drug cocktails with a ton of dose changes within those and am still seeking the elusive one that works really well. But I'm better now that a month ago and much better than 3 months ago and that is very important even though "in remission" would be even nicer.

[alincdytyourmeds]

I thought cycles of depression was just how life is supposed to be. I had a speech impediment and moved at the wrong time so my school life was nothing but a bullied hell.
I first contemplated jumping off a bridge at age 10. The social services told my mom to get me help, but she didn't want me to be outcast as crazy.
I struggled with depression all through my teens and early twenties. A good marriage and 3 kids kept me busy, but all the while the depressions were circling.
Now in my 40's I finally sought help for the depression as it was getting worse each time it came. After a few rounds of ADs. I sought therapy. Right away the T said it sounds like bipolar. I said no way I don't have mania, he then explained the different types and signs. After researching it I said you could be right.
The p doc said he had "no doubt", he dx'd bipolar 1, which i am still trying to figure out.
I am now to the stage where I wonder if it is bipolar or not, but as the meds do keep me from wanting to jump. I will stick with them.

[Nammu]

Overall my family life was pretty good. Standard parenting from the 50's 60's from emotionally repressed parents. Which was why I never told them about the neighbor who groomed and then abused me. I was 9 the first time I seriously considered Sui, was afraid my mother would kill me if I killed myself( I don't think I really understood what death was, although I can remember the incident very vividly.

The trauma manifested physically I got sent to the mayo clinic for tons of tests. I never told anyone what the real problem was. Mostly I got told a lot that "this wasn't going to hurt" and " drink this it tastes good" all lies. No one there ever actually talked to me, just over me. Was diagnosed with an ulcer, serious migraines and possible seizure disorder got put on anti seizure meds and told they would take away the migraines, after a few months I threw them away and decided all doctors do is lie. Found out years later that they had wanted me to see a psychiatrist but my father didn't believe in them

In high school had a break with reality too afraid to tell anyone. T's disagree if it was dissociation or psychic. In collage was standing on a bridge when a cop stopped me, went to the campus clinic was told I could change my feeling of depression by thinking happy thoughts, never went back.

A co-worker recommended a therapy clinic went and took their MMPI test, the therapist came in looked at me, looked at the test and said the test showed I should be hospitalized immediately but I looked so together it was hard to tell I was the one who took the test, talked my way out of it and never went back.

Fast forward to 23 got married to an abusive man. Was in ER for umpteenth time from dear hubby's loving embrace. Was given a psychologist name. Because I couldn't work for a few weeks decided to see him. Put me on antidepressants and I then tried to off myself with the help of many pills and my husbands stash of drugs. Was in ICU for 3 days then transferred to the nut ward. Diagnosed with PTSD and MDD.

A couple years of merry-go-round rides in and out of psych wards they started adding mood stabilizers and lithium, told me I was bipolar. Eventually committed to state hospital then ran away. Homeless and lived in various states committed again in different state. Got better follow up care. Started working again, hubby showed up. Cycled down, ended up in woman's shelters was able to get section 8 which gave me a stable safe home and is probably one of the most important parts of my recovery. three very good therapists later I'm accepting that yes I've BP and the PTSD is I under control.

[BadWolfC]

Well....

I was diagnosed as depressed at age 12 and was put on a couple different medications that made me feel horrible. I stayed on the meds at the request of my mother until I turned 16 and could legally choose my own treatment. I chose to discontinue the meds, and was off them for a couple years. In that time, I got worse because I went through a really bad breakup with my first boyfriend. I started cutting (I was 18 and had gone away to college by then), and attempted suicide twice before my room mate caught me cutting one day and I was sent to a mental hospital for a week.

It was horrible being in the hospital. Their "treatments" were to put everyone on tons of drugs and force us to attend group therapy and other scheduled activities all day every day. They made us wake up at 7am, and being an insomniac, that was really hard for me. I eventually started pretending to be feeling better and they released me after 6 days. My mother had to come pick me up and I dropped out of college for the rest of the semester and lost my scholarship.

I moved back in with my family, and continued to feel horrible for a few years after that. I got really good at hiding it so that they wouldn't force me to go to therapy. I never got along with any therapist I ever had and ended up dreading the whole experience. So, I pretended to be ok. I contemplated suicide a few times after moving back in with my family because I had gotten into an abusive relationship, but never acted on those thoughts again for fear of being sen to a hospital again. I wanted to die after the 2 first times my abuser broke up with me, even though it could have saved me a lot of pain.

When I was 20, I was diagnosed as bipolar because I had my first manic episode. I was put on Abilify and that was the first time a medication has ever had any positive effect on me. I've been on it pretty much every since, other than the first few months of this year because of insurance issues. But I didn't really start getting my life turned around until about a year ago, after I met my fiance. It's taken a lot of work and a lot of pain to get here, but I'm finally sort of happy with my life.

Wow that was long... and that's the short version. Sorry for rambling.

[raspberrytorte]

I've had bad anxiety my entire life. When I was little it used to give me stomach aches. My parents called it being "nervous".

In high school I was totally fine. I was close with my very religious parents. I had a great group of friends. I was the fun and outgoing friend who would stand on top of very tall buildings, at the very edge, because I wanted to fly, as my friends watched in horror. I vividly remember feeling suicidal once and being disturbed by the way I felt, but it didn't last long. Maybe a week? I wrote about it in my journal.

Then, the summer after I graduated, I went to a two month long writing workshop out east. First time being out on my own. Eighteen. Very naive. Very green. Obviously a virgin. The entire summer there was a guy who kept on trying to get me to sleep with him, and I kept on saying no. He was very manipulative. Towards the end of the workshop I finally gave in (he was way pushy) and lost my virginity to a jerk while I was really drunk, so obviously my thinking was a little impaired (he obviously bought the alcohol because I was eighteen).

That was a little traumatic. Then, because I was so close with my parents at the time and had always been able to talk to them about anything, I answered truthfully when my mom asked me if I'd lost my virginity. I said yes. My mom called me a slut. My dad wouldn't talk to me. It was just horrible. Afterwards, nothing was the same. My parents were somewhat verbally abusive towards me (like everything was my fault, I was a disappointment, I was spending all their money by living at home while going to college, I had changed, I asked my then boyfriend now husband to marry me and my mom was upset because he was supposed to ask me, so they weren't supportive of me getting married, they told me I wouldn't be able to see him if I transfered to a college far away because they wouldn't let me take the car, etc.). It was very hard. I started self harming and drinking and just temporarily doing out of character things. I told my mom I was depressed and she just shrugged it off and told me I wasn't like that before the workshop.

So, that was the triggering event in my life. I moved out and never finished school because my parents were making it intolerable for me to continue living with them. I partied like any other 21 year old would, but I never stopped. At one point I was drinking an entire bottle of vodka a day. I would drink before work. I was always drunk. Eventually I got a DUI and had to take those classes and I went through alcohol detox on my own, which upon reflection was kind of dangerous? So while going through alcohol withdrawal, I was working two jobs so I could pay off my DUI fine and everything else that goes along with getting a DUI.

At the end of the classes, I told my counselor I was depressed. She referred me to a pnp. The pnp asked me about my past behaviors, etc., and immediately when she found out I was a writer she was like, "You may have bipolar disorder!". I told her I didn't have that. She put me on 25mg of sertraline to "see what would happen". No kidding, an hour after taking it I was above cloud nine. It was pretty intense. I ended up IOP, and then IP because I was out of control. I was put on lamictal and that flattened me out. The pnp diagnosed me as bp2, but I didn't really believe that.

After that I saw a therapist for a year, just to talk through and get over the workshop experience and the reaction my parents had to it. She told me my behaviors afterwards sounded more bpd, which I believe I did have then, but I grew out of it.

So life went on, I was stable and fine, and then at 28 I got pregnant. Surprise. Was not in my life plan. My husband was happy about it. I wasn't. At that time I had weaned myself off the lamictal, which was good timing I suppose, but I was sick and depressed about being pregnant, and I had to go off of alprazolam, so I was put back on 25mg of sertraline, except this time it didn't make me go over the deep end. Maybe pregnancy hormones or something?

Anyway, pregnancy fine, then after she was born I got PPD really bad and ended up in the hospital. I was put back on lamictal and alprazolam, but spent the first year and a half of her life mostly depressed on and off.

Then, I have no idea what happened (maybe parenting stress or something?) but I had some sort of mixed psychotic situation this past january, and since that experience (of course I ended up in the hospital again), which was horrible, I haven't been the same. Paranoia, delusions, hallucinations. I don't know why I'd suddenly develop these symptoms. I'm 32 years old. I mean, I'd had paranoia and hallucinations in the past, but now it's like paranoia concentrate or something.

Yes. That was long. But abbreviated.

It's interesting how everyone seems to have something traumatic happen to them that triggers the onset of symptoms. I just noticed that.

[raspberrytorte]

Wanted to add that the episode I experienced in january wasn't med induced. I was just on lamictal and clonazepam at the time.

[gina_re]

I usually don't read long posts, but I really enjoyed reading this thread. Thank you for creating it. : )

Growing up I always felt different. I was the typical moody teenager but to the extreme. Constantly slamming doors, and fighting with my sister. But I got good grades and was accepted into a good school. I think this was my trigger because I had never really been away from home that far for that long. By the spring semester I was depressed I couldn’t concentrate on anything I read and stopped going to most of my classes. I failed (big surprise) two courses and decided to go back home and try community college. Failed that too. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, I got A’s and B’s in high school, why am I now getting F’s??

I had a meltdown and went to the hospital. But by the time I was seen I had calmed down and they dismissed it as a panic attack and told me to follow up with my PCP. I’m now in therapy and on Paxil and Xanax with a diagnosis of major depression. Therapy worked and I felt amazing. I reconnected with a guy from high school and started a long distance relationship. In the meantime I followed up with a pdoc who told me I was bipolar. I dismissed that, stopped my meds and moved halfway across the country to be with my new boyfriend.

Needless to say, the relationship didn’t go too well. Within the year things just fizzled. Here I am in a far off state alone. Depression finds its way back in, and I start to drink and drink. For some reason I get myself help and see another pdoc. Then another because I didn’t like him. I can’t even begin to tell you what cocktails she put me on, but the pills were free so I took them and keep partying. I eventually am in IOP and not working for about a month. When I go back to work everything is ok and I’m somewhat stable, but still partying. Work becomes so stressful I couldn’t take it and I take a bunch of pills because in my head I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. From the outside it sounds like a suicide wish, but to me that’s not what it was. I just wanted all my troubles to go away. This gets me to be IP for the first time.

Upon release I decide to move back home. I break my lease, and pack up and move back. I’m on and off meds, and I don’t really have a story for that. Either money issues or new doctors. I have another hospitalization because my job stressed me out and life was too much for me. Another IP visit with PHP after. I quit my job upon release.

After another rocky alcohol filled relationship I decided to see a pdoc. She tells me I’m bipolar and gives me a mood stabilizer which I have been on ever since. With a few bumps in the road this is the longest I’ve been ok. It’s been about six years.

[pearlys]

Thx for starting this thread raspberrytorte.

I had mood swings since my twenties. However they were mild but as I grew older the hills got steeper and the abysses deeper. After a couple of months of chronic fatigue, mild depression and mild social anxiety I went to my GP and he prescribed me paxil and DANG!!! Finally energy again, 7 times a week (sometimes twice a day) to the gym, started ballroom dancing lessons, no more social anxiety, trying to seduce women, went on steroids, first holiday alone very far away from home, quit my job, my long term relation, got fired at the new job for irresponsible behavior. Quit the paxil with a horrendous withdrawal period and finally depressed again. After 2 years again on paxil but this time I didn't go hypo/manic, I think, at least not as bad as the first time. But after a while the paxil pooped out and I quit again. Got a burnout from working full-time and studying bachelor at the same time. Suffered from insomnia for the first time in my life. Was on disability for a while but had to pay the bills so I went on paxil again. Miraculous recovery my employer told me, from one day to the other I was able to work full time again. But again the paxil pooped out after a couple of years. So I quit again. Did fairly well a couple of years until the insomnia came back. A couple of family members passed away in the same year. I grieved a long time, developed depersonalization/derealization and slowly slipped away into depression. Suffered from relational stress. Went alone on a vacation, came back exhausted because of the heat and lack of sleep. And then the party really began Did a suicide attempt, ended up in psychiatric hospital, was prescribed seroquel, finally I slept but I slept like 14 hours which I didn't like at all. I wanted my paxil back but hospital didn't wanna presribe it (now I understand why). I called my GP and he prescribed me paxil. Initially it relaxes my muscle tone, so I felt better a couple of days. But then I started to slip into probably full blown mania. Insomnia got very bad, sometimes just sleeping 3 hours a night. Hyper-sexual, went to prostitutes for the first time in my life, unprotected sex with strangers (got me an STD and infected my partner as well), flirting, even showing off about my girlfriends , spending spree, aggressive almost fighting on the street in traffic or in public transport, again 7 times a week to the gym plus a combat sport. Thought I was the best employee, a natural born talent, started to dress different and bought expensive clothes, thought I was a great musician and fantasized about leading a big band on stage (I hardly can play some chords on my guitar). Pressured speech and got mad if people didn't listen to me. Drank a lot of energy drinks and listened to aggressive music. Tried to get some coke or speed (fortunately the dealer didn't have at that time). Even wanted to step into the ring to have a fight (wtf I am 45 years of age...). Got knocked KO during sparring, kicked against the heavybag (before and after the regular training) until my shins were blue and bruised and had humps and injured my feet so badly that after almost 2 years I still suffer from it. Just because of the insomnia and sexual side effects I went to the GP again. First for viagra but then for mirtazapine because I read it had less sexual side effects but also for sleep. Finally I slept again but the lack of inhibition stayed and because of the weight gain it boosted my motivation to go to the gym even more.

Slowly I became more tired, first I thought I was working out too much so I started to skip some days, more and more days I skipped. I thought I fell in love with another, ended up my 16 years relation. Partner left my house, I quit mirtazapine and from one day to the other I was more depressed than ever . I didn't take care of myself anymore. Didn't eat for weeks, hardly drank, didn't wash until I started to smell myself so badly that I had to. Didn't change or wash my clothes, let alone clean the house and I stayed in bed almost 24 hours a day. Day and night rhythm was inversed. Ended up in hospital for 7 weeks. Didn't help and soon after leaving hospital I did another suicide attempt. They gave me seroquel plus lithium. But because of the side effects of lithium I quit after two weeks. Went into CBT but depression didnt get less. Was on lexapro for a while, became very restless and irritable again (possible oncoming mania?) . Quit it and then on wellbutrin which doesnt do anything but no side effects either . Meanwhile trying to get my life back on track (whatever the quality of life is at the moment) and looking at the mess I have left behind.

So far my story and contribution to this thread.
Thank you for reading.