[fishin fool]

The depression and anxiety have been very tough on me lately.

[Unrigged64072835]

One last quiet day before the last minute shopping pandemonium tomorrow. It probably won't be that bad, but I just want to have all the presents and food done before it gets really insane out there.

[Takeshi]

I have no tv, no vacation, there's no Walmart here.

This hungry cat is still around at my workplace, it keeps me company while I grind away. There's one more thing I wanted to say,

I don't just show up to an appointment, I make one in person!

My phone costs me 90 cents per minute, got no more land line and the last of the public phone booth nearby probably has become a fossil by now. I say it's just a simple economics, and the look on people's faces when I show up to their premises are priceless. I was just on my way!!

I'm gonna have to wait for my hurting wisdom teeth to be taken out for 10 days.

I have been staying in bed a lot. I wrap myself blankets and just pretend to be a mummy. I sleep and then I think. I pretend to be dead.

It isn't exactly S.I. It is just a non-existent mindset.

[scatterbrained04]

I have family coming over tomorrow but my house is a wreck. I'm too down to get out of bed and clean it

[gayleggg]

I might be feeling a little better. I did a few things around the house.

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[BlackSheep79]

Had my second session with my therapist. She gave me some coping skills for some work stress. Looks like my husband and I are having Christmas alone for the first time. This is when it's really hard not having children. Kinda been down the past few days because of it.

[scatterbrained04]

Yesterday my son and I received a random act of kindness. We received a box full of gifts and gift cards from a stranger. It meant so much I broke down in tears. I could only buy my son a few things because there was just little money this year. I think she made his Christmas.

Stressed myself out yesterday about all the stuff I have to do. Gave myself a migraine and couldn't hold food down. I kind of wish I didn't have people coming to my house today.

Feeling a bit better today. Still have the headache, though I think my disrupted sleep last night is part to blame. Going to try to make the best of today. Super bummed I couldn't buy gifts for my nieces and nephews this year. Hoping no one gets upset

[Takeshi]

A cheeseburger without cheese!

How long has this been going on? Are the folks in Wisconsin okay with this?

At what point does it cease to be a cheeseburger? Do we have to assemble the burger with slices of cheese once then we take out those slices to a trash bin?

One might think it is a LIE, perpetuating a lie is not okay as a society, the fabric of American society is already ablaze, you can't pour gasoline into it. At first food "restaurant", they use American cheese, don't they? Quintessential American food has been under attack, you have liberty/freedom at one side, on the other, you need to take responsibility for this. How would you respond to this madness!

A lot of people don't take no for an answer, they insist their way. You give no, once, twice then observe and think more, and after some time, you make an educated guess, which in my case will be an uneducated one but they are the same thing, I'll try to be truthful for that moment and my response could get dismissed in a split second by the recipient of the word. I took my time damnit, my words and action don't speak to you at all? Of course I could handle this with smiles once I get over a big hump, I can't be weary of this situation I put myself in, it is my world as well as theirs.

I think that any conversation that I have with anyone is constructed with so many ambiguities, sometimes they come out of my mouth quite intentionally. Then I often find myself asking/guessing what others are really saying to me, "What do you really want from me, just tell me and I can give you an answer in a second or two." Even if I say it out loud, the conversation goes no where, more often than I'd like to admit.

What I meant by "undeducated guess" is that I haven't talked with many people in my life, you could probably imagine going through a day without uttering a single word to anyone, you multiply that with 365, then multiply that with 5,6, 10yrs, who knows, it's ungodly long time anyways. This has been what my life is like for me so far. I think this has been a little problematic for me as of late, at first I got this job after years of unemployment, it was only natural to lose most of my personal time, to read things on the internet, to watch tv, that sort of things. They were by choice, then I stopped taking meds and seeing a doctor, and there are no psychotherapists that look good to me in my area. How can I go that route when there's no shred of normalcy intact, it doesn't matter now.

(False) expectation on my part can be taken care of easily. Deception, manipulation, and dissection of my own thoughts/actions can be worked on more. Essentially I need to lie ... what true to me could be untruth to someone else.

Let me get back to the cheeseburger situation a bit. Let's just say I'm a cashier at a fast food establishment, taking an order of a cheeseburger without cheese. I don't know what their worker's manual would say about the right conduct there, guess I'm gonna find that out later. Anyhow, for the sake of the argument, the customer is a she. Even if I get into her pants, even if I try so hard to walk in her shoes by getting to know her personally, I probably wouldn't know why she'd order the way she does. People say "Kids these days..." If this was obvious untrue statement that everybody ignores, our communication tools along with the society itself might collapse.

I hear it happens at a common establishment, that's what commons eat, and it may be a common place that happens at your local restaurant. The impact will be huge in our future, if a simple burger without a slice of cheese, that's highly processed, gooey, bubbly and melty cheese is in fact could be called a cheeseburger, then I see a gigantic problem there. Even if the person who's taking the order get fired, even if you are a customer next in line or on the next line, someone should say something there. With love and no judgement at all.

We can make a joke about it all we want, but that's what we have John Stewart for, he can put his fist into the air and entertain us, notify us of the world we live in. You could guess what I'm gonna say by now that we do have responsibilities of our own.

The cheeseburger tail ends here, the work today was a killer, too busy, I got 4hrs of sleep and it should've been enough but my mind was ..here with the burger since last night! Not normal is it? This is where I'm still having trouble is. I browsed through only three interesting looking posts last night, after I got coffee going after midnight to do some house cleanings plus the laundry with a 'Twin Tub Washing mashine'!! Does anyone know what that is? I was reading a review for this product on walmart.com, this guy was raving how environmentally awesome this was, and what he wasn't saying was that it takes hours to do just one load for other normal washing machine. It is a work!

So, yea, I came here to read and just chill, I wasn't even in a current event section, I still haven't got details on the shootings. I'd like to work on this awkwardness of mine for the next year. I do okay-ish with real person(s) though, I think I've gotten used to see where I should draw the line to not get too invested. A lot less than being an acquaintances with anyone is what I usually do. I used to think these were my choice, and now, it has become a necessity.

Over 40 yrs. The first with my own parents, right? Common folks, or are they? I don't know what they are, my mother will be getting a blood soaked letter like I was planning for longest time, with some words on it. I tried to send it off earlier, then I found out that I erased all the contact info off my apartment, now I'm waiting on her to send me a yearly new year card, so I can do what I set out to do. Aweful? You can get the F on, it is still, just so personal.

The moral values that I have probably comes from what my mother taught me in my childhood, however little she taught me. I need to throw all that out of the window, there's no specific plans, that's part of who I am. I must know what to say or do at any given moment with a right attitude. So with no degrees under my belt, no career to speak of, and tell a story in a success story thread, that ain't gonna happen. Ever.

The house cleaning, my clatter free by the end of the year plan will fail. Oh, I'm sure it will. Wasted all most a day again, thinking ain't so bad, I'm back to my own entertainer of my life, it's a good thing.

Meds talk. It's still loaded with *blank* here, isn't it? That is anti-psychiatry! What is your agenda!! Take it somewhere else, would ya? What struck me amazing last night was that how insightful and how much they've paid attention for years for what's been happening in their lives, they are definitely on a truth finding mission of theirs, they remember good, unlike myself, and write well. Good writers, what's not to like about them?

By the way, does anyone use ignore feature? I think I'll never need it, whether you know it or not, I stay the **** away from my ancient laptop when I'm not in the mood/busy and that is enough. Last night's thread was a little unexpected though, knew there was a trigger icon for the thread, I thought I could handle it, then bam! New ideas and any thoughts especially when it's not your own are potentially dangerous, I sometimes have to wonder how y'all mingle with others offline as well as online here on PC or elsewhere.

Well, it's getting late, I should wrap this up. But how? Why? Who am I? We look back and check on our progresses from time to time, we get thrown around in the exact same subject you thought you got through, the new set of eyes can burn all to the ground, then you'll still know that you get back up from the ashes, it's the belief system that's been constructed since I came hang around in this place, your validation is right here.

Am I treatment resistant? I'm just anti social, pharmaceutical companies can work more with less for whom really needs the medications,

Where did the cheese go?

The day will come, the day we'll be eating a burger with a franken cheese on top of a franken beef patty. Unless she's allergic to dairy products, I'd love her to take the cheeseburger with a slice of cheese in it. She does not need to conform to somebody else's ideologies, for now, she shall have the burgers she wanted, I know what she means, now, after 24hrs! I'm not so totally cut out for the job, arn't I?

It may be a little early but happy 2016!

ETA: Jack the sparrow flew back today, hopped a lot closer to me than usual, and I'm thankful for its gesture. This work cat, he showed up late for dinner tonight, but instead of disgusting assortment of human food the day before, he got sushi plate with the side of another grilled fish plate, it was an awesome sight, he cleaned out the sushi just the way I thought this little bugger would be, he ate only the sliced fish part and left the rice for me to clean up. The mall cop saw me walking with the plate, was a little awkward. Now he's officially a freeganism buddy of mine, cats are territorial, aren't they? I know there are a few cats around in the area, I hope he can spread the word so I can feed them all, as long as I'm there. We get too much food waste there, there really should be some sort of system in place to help folks who go hungry. Less CO2 that way... I had to help throw away lots of Christmas related stuff too, what a waste, huh? A black backed wagtail was there too again, it is a waterbird originally, hence the way he runs around. Always pecking on a concrete ground. I want these three musketeers to sit on my lap, then I'll be extremely happy.

I went into work without a shower, unshaven, this can't happen two days in a row, been having less sleep and tons of work at work, I wish I were more in control of everything, I see no break in sight though, a bit of nagging problem at work, the relationship with the morning shift guy has been good, I got over it. I have talked with my boss not long ago, I have to believe everything's alright there, I believe I can move a mountain of doubt if it ever comes to that but I don't ask for it. Time for bed, g'night.

[Pikku Myy]

Feeling really good surrounded by family and lots of great food. Cant complain.

[Standup2me]

Christmas already, where did the year go?
It's been a rough year: Mum has cancer and is going downhill quickly, layoffs and reduced hours at work, my boss's ego continues to grow, my cat died, we had to buy a new tv, we had to fix the furnace and on and on and on.
2016 has to be better.
It has to be better for all of us, if we all believe

Right????

[Unrigged64072835]

My husband's VA disability was increased to 80%. Amongst other things, he has MS and depression that is worsened by the MS. This brings a bit of relief since we seem to be coming up short at the end of the month. Thankful that we can still keep a roof over our heads, a car in the garage, and food on the table.

Christmas blessings to all, and a peaceful comforting day to everyone.

Sorry to say, but I'm in a VERY dark place and feel bad for posting, but have nowhere else to go with it. Very much alone. I've have been giving the hospital very serious consideration.

I think I can ride it out. There's something to be said for unfinished business. There are 2 things that I need to do, but can't until Monday. (I'm doing at least one of them regardless of pulling through this.)

In the meanwhile, I've had a big cry, a hot shower, and am going to spend time on the forums (helps to focus on others). Then a big ol' bowl with my name on it and medicating myself to sleep.

FML

Sorry.

[Wander]

Having a very hypomanic Christmas and loving it! Back to work tomorrow after a stint IP. Should go well. So happy to be happy. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all

[Standup2me]

I need to make changes
I need to feel less suffocated
I need to feel freedom
I need to plan

[gayleggg]

Mood isn't too bad but I am feeling tired and dizzy.

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[hopeless2015]

Doing pretty good, hoping meds are finally getting me stable. Really enjoyed the holidays with family

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[scatterbrained04]

Feeling ok so far today. Got to spend some time with my bf. I'm always more calm when he's around. Hopefully my day will continue to be ok while I'm not with him. I've been crashing really hard a lot lately.

[Lady Lazarus]

I have been feeling really empty and detached lately. I have family surrounding me, but I still feel so alone. I know I should be doing stuff with them but the thought of it just pains/annoys me. I don't know what to do, I feel so dead inside. My T is on vacation this week so I won't be able to see her, so until then I'm kind of stuck in my head.

[Unrigged64072835]

I don't know if this is a holiday letdown or what, but my mood has been sliding downward. I have some goals for next year and I would really appreciate my attitude not sucking at this point.

[Standup2me]

I feel afloat without a chart

[ensconce]

Im feeling okay but the anxiety has returned oh well.

[hopeless2015]

The rainy dreary weather is not helping, makes me want to sleep the days away... Yuck

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[gayleggg]

I believe the depression has lifted some but the meds are making me sick at my stomach in the mornings.

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[BlackSheep79]

I was up and now I'm spiraling down. I just have no motivation. I did one load of laundry, that was it in like five days. My husband has been sick with the flu for days, so no help from him. I'm stressed over all of the things I need to get done at work, so I'm obsessing. I started therapy and I'm trying to use coping skills. I need to start writing in my journal starting today. Going shopping and out to eat later, should be fun. I've got to push myself and get out of the house.