[Open_Book]

Still in a fog. Cant shake it. Was able to get out for a few. Still no motivation. Hopefully this will pass soon. I am actually for the first time starting to not care about my spouse. Meaning if I were not here Im starting not to care whether she has to struggle or not.

[hopeless2015]

Awake since 4 am, not unusual since my Latuda knocks me out I often wake up very early but my anxiety is through the freaking roof and that is not normal for me. Just took an anxiety pill and hope that calms me the f down. I need to go to work!!

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[gayleggg]

Today is going to be better. My husband is meeting someone and will be gone for a while. Yippee!!!

Retirement is hard on both of us.

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[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Wander

Went to IKEA to buy a desk couch and storage cubes and had a massive panic attack. We had to leave before I got everything but at least I managed to get the desk. Very frustrated as I was feeling awesome yesterday. Stupid Bipolar!!!

Not BP, I think that everyone who goes to Ikea feels that way

[Standup2me]

I feel really angry, and really edgy, almost like a boxer in the ring waiting for the first punch

[Takeshi]

I jumped (took the risk). I really did for the good of others.

I may not have a job tomorrow. Also, I may have committed a crime, my *** could be thrown into jail. This time, it's all for real. The act of defiance was needed to call an attention to what had been going on at work for the higher up to see that my boss was kinda incompetent. That's how it turned out as I was just being honest explaining myself while I was being interrogated by the company men.

I'm not gonna say much tonight, Seriously, I may need to find a lawyer for myself tomorrow, the internet information search may not cut it, yeah.

I wasn't thinking about any real possibilities of my own demise or anything, really. I just had one mission today, which is to talk to this problematic morning shift guy, and he refused to talk showing that with his gesture/posture, that is when I did what others, in any lawful society wouldn't do. With all the good intentions and the purposes, I chose the action and did it as responsibly as I could.

Of course I can not say that I feel good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, whatever.

Even though today is the day that I ever did something meaningful in my entire life, typing this here, having read few other posts already here tonight, this night is not all mine. There are other others for me, all of you here with physical and psychological/mental problems that persist every day, I just hope that enough helps/hopes are going around in this circle.

That is all for tonight, thanks for all the direct/indirect help all of you here on PC do, it's been just that kinda day, that kinda night tonight.

(I got a long *** post(with no paragraphs!) that I wanted to read in new members section. )

Edit: I lost the page for the new member, couldn't find it. All the post had readers and replies, that's what I wanted to see and how it was, so that's good. The reason for the editing is that to tell you that I didn't cry in that important meeting, the moments came later a few times, once while I was talking to this lady on my break, even though I'm so used to be all alone all the time, when I make my life this intense, sometimes I can't help it. There was an intense headache when I got back home, it wasn't the first time I felt this frontal lobe pressure in my head, thought about prolonging the pain but I gave myself permission to take some aspirin, they did the job. I did the job exactly the way I imagined would be, which was nothing. The readiness. I knew it was there, there weren't any rehearsing of any sorts, similar, but they were just thoughts. Things happened in the exact way I want it to be, of course I knew I could count on my recent brain activities of mine, but the timing of it. You know, I needed the exact amount of sleep last night with this a little crazed head, got to work no probs, all I'm tryna say is that there were so many factors for the timing that I didn't have any control over. I knew I would be ready provided with the right thinking and time clock of my mood. I'm just making **** up as I type here, I guess it'd be too early to tell the truth about me on this matter.

My phone's ready to receive call again, it's refilled. Who's gonna call? The jake? It has become almost a second nature not to worry, this reminds me of the infamous reality check that I may or may not need. I will come back to this subject when I come through this ordeal alive, I ended the sentence prematurely earlier, can anyone guess what I was thinking? Confidence level! I haven't read that sort of thread hear lately, self-doubt and how y'all check it everyday, like who you've got? We've all seen them right?

Are they all caged in somewhere inside of me, hidden from the sight? 'Cuz I don't feel their presence at all.

I feel neither new or old self, just the original, that's just the feeling I get. I'll go rest.

[Pikku Myy]

I feel a bit insecure and lost with my thoughts this week. It's my inability to trust and commit to a person that really loves me. I wish I was never abused by a man. I hate this.

[Lazarus16]

I'm a lot lost in my thoughts. Before coming on these forums, I thought all was perfect in my life and now, I know it isn't the case but the more I try to find out what to do, the more I can't seem to find answers. loll

I'll buy some L-Tirosine at the gym tonight because I read on many website it's very good for many type of ADD, should make me feel better but it supposely takes up to a month to do it's effect so I won't feel that better immediately. If that cures my attention deficit disorder, all I got to heal next is bipolarity, hypomania, relationship issues and I'll be a new person! Man, I feel good and determinated to become the man I always wanted to be!

[Jonron]

I'm in a mixed state and I feel horrible, I've been crying half the day.

[x_BabyG_x]

Haven't been around for a while.

Anxiety bad tonight. missing two weeks wages in jan hasnt helped, now i'm freaking out about money and stuff. not coping with being alone tonight because my anxiety wont go away.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I feel really angry, and really edgy, almost like a boxer in the ring waiting for the first punch

Originally Posted by Jonron

I'm in a mixed state and I feel horrible, I've been crying half the day.

Both of you - I hear ya. I never even knew about "mixed states" until my doctor put it on my FMLA paperwork and I looked it up. It explained a lot. I've had full depression and full mania (never hospitalized) but it has been a while since either of them has taken a LONG holding grip on me. My usual is as described. Edgy, angry, crying, isolating zombie. I'm just trying to hang in.

[Takeshi]

I lost a job today!

I ain't got much money saved up and no unemployment insurance to collect. I won't last long if I don't make an action. Right now, I'm trying to make them fire me. I want the proof that I'm an irresponsible asshole who can't keep a job, in writing!!

More than anything, I need the time, the time in the future with no guarantee that that will be there, future security, that is something I forge it through every single moments on my own.

How many of you have seen someone crying badly and thought about it, took some understanding of other's crying with you? I once shared why I cry from time to time when I started posting more in this forum in the past. I'm facing this dreaded unemployment, how scared it used to make me, during and after, whenever.

I need more and more knowledge, I want the time back where I could've studied all the philosophical thoughts that could've helped me all through my life. Let me get back to the crying. Maybe this is because I been on my own all my life? I don't know, it's just that it's almost unthinkable to think crying as someone's weakness, I haven't slightest idea why some people think like that.

Shiiiiiit! This feels great, finally, facing this another unemployment, did I ever tell you that I'm so unemployeable? With no money in the bank? Guess what? I've just decided to celebrate this with a pack of cigs and ,,whatever, let's do both, a brown bottle and a can of beer. The moment I was waiting for? nah, that's a lie but it sure feels like it.

If anyone out there know me like that I'd been chasing my own shadow, this indefinability of my self, realization and actualization that awaits.

Let me be honest here, a true ****, a biggest and the illest and the most realest asshole in this forum. You BP1 and BP2 too. Whatever I see here, man. This kinda make me think again, with a fresh pair of eyes, what bipolar really mean to me. Some may wonder why I still post here, all because of the unreliable diagnosis from this lady doctor.

Nah, no hauling *** or assholing in this post. I like everyone 'cos they help me.

I got a day to get ****ed up, man!!!! How the **** long have I been sober? Pardon my French here, Autonomy muh****er! The day's still young. I wish I had a bong with me. gotta go get cleaned up first.

Thank you freedom, I will give my all to the life that I was given, to the responsibilities. My thanks and kudos to you all fine people of PC has to wait, I'll be around as long as this internet's up, and beyond.

Can't wait to start drinking! Vodka too should be on the list. Wish I had a company though.

[BlackSheep79]

Started a temporarily small dose of Prozac. I haven't been on Prozac in twenty years, and when I was it caused mania. It was actually the first med I was on. I hope I don't go manic, but unlikely with my mood stabilizer. I'm just in a funk. I shower, but I have no motivation and sleep twelve hours a day. Complete opposite of my normal self. I did one load of laundry, folded two weeks worth of laundry and went to DBSA.

[Lazarus16]

I feel much more energized today, slept well, did one thing at a time, resisted the urge to absolutely try to do everything at the same time, in retrospect, I'm making progress. I'm laughing at things I shouldn't laugh too, which makes me raise one eyebrow and then laugh some more! The neighbour must wonder why I'm laughing, I shouldn't bother but I do. I'm too sensible to noise and neighbours make me paranoiac. My father's music (Tangerine Dream, an electronic german band) is quite relaxing, I wonder if that's what made him so intelligent (my father). I don't know but I'll listen to electronic music more often from now on, it seems to be affecting me in very good way! That's all for now!

[Moreta]

Having a good day. Was really creative last night and painted a picture, made a bracelet for my friend, and made 2 pairs of earrings. I posted them in the creative corner.

[hopeless2015]

One more hour of work, I'm really really struggling with being here right now, I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much but it is

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[BlackSheep79]

I did absolutely nothing today, worthless.

[gayleggg]

I'm feeling kind of nervous this morning. I'm supposed to go to my friend's house to quilt and I'm having mixed feelings. I'm glad to have somewhere to go but I also don't want to leave the house. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there. At least I hope so.

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[hopeless2015]

Taking extra klonapin to fight the restlessness, think its a side effect of the Latuda, its working so well for the depression, please let this pass/be temporary

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[Takeshi]

So, it was here that I told that I lost my job recently. The today's headline of mine would read:

'Japanese mentally ill worker keeps on fighting'

Some like that. I haven't slept much past few days, I rested a bit yesterday afternoon and that's it. I didn't know what was gonna be my next move, wanted to kill myself, hurt myself again, **** like that. And this morning, it's half past 5 here, my head's not hurting, I'm doing alright, I know what I do for my worker's right today.

The city council once recognized my mental ill status. Also the city manages these,,,what? I don't know what to call it, they have legal oversight system for any employer/employee dispute, that kinda thing. This is not America, the company that I'm still employed under wants me to quit. They want me to admit the responsibilities for my actions at the place of my work, and we are both stupid y'know, I know I'm not that smart but they aren't either.

As far as I understand the relationship, the legal side of things between employer and employee, for whatever reasons, employer can't ask the employee to send in a paper requesting his own termination. Sure they can ask, but I'm denying the request, from my point of view, what I did was wrong and I'm ready to take the full responsibilities for the almost physical threat to a coworker of mine. Other than that, what I did was for the company, my current status of not going to work any more is upon the 'verbal' request from my boss and I'm just following it.

I'm not trying to explain this all here, my head had been so confused because I live alone, and this morning, I'm getting myself back together.

Yesterday was so bad, I think I was having paranoia? I was thinking and being afraid of a lot of unrealistic thoughts, also, I was gonna call a local tv station for this work situation of mine, to make a huge deal out of it in public.

I know what to do today and I'm going out to get help, and I don't know what to expect at all. Physically and mentally, I can't say that I been doing so well. The help I'm looking for on the cheap without getting lawyer involved which I don't have may not be as helpful as I want it to be.

The company men almost convinced me to turn in the resignation letter. I knew it wasn't right though. I'm not admitting defeat for the fight, I wanted to make the change and that's what I still pursue in this endeavor.

ETA: What I mean by being different to America, y'know all the talk of MI stigma, I don't recognize it in this society of mine, hey, I just don't watch news much enough, I can't say for sure, depressions and criminals are here doing bad things to ppl. I'm saying that I just get the feeling that Japs don't blame MI (labels) for people's wrong doing. I'm sorry I can't help with the subject even if I wanted to, maybe you can look 'em up if ya interested. Then again, I guess the good stuff, the true stuff maybe written in Japanese blogs or whatever. Just saying. Wish me luck!

ETA2: By moving onto my next move, I might be incriminating myself, meaning there is a possibility that I might get fined, sued, getting my *** thrown into jail. I'm serious, I was so pushed to the corner, I had to act and as a result of that, I did what I can't take back now. I still maintain what I did was right for a right cause. Which is for the healthy worker's environment, for workers who works hard every day for the company which does an environmental work, we save the planet, which I love to do, still want to.

[BlackSheep79]

Mood is alright. I'm not myself, I have no motivation. I made myself go grocery shopping and get my blood drawn. I had to fake be nice and talk, even though I just wanted to do what I needed and go home. I also found the motivation to prepare my PowerPoint for work because I had to get it done. I'm trying to push myself, but I can't get out of this funk. The Prozac won't kick in for a few weeks. It could be so much worse I tell myself.

[hopeless2015]

Called Dr about this extreme agitation waiting on call back, I know its the Latuda and its doing wonders for my depression, always something

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[hopeless2015]

Dr just called back, they are adding low dosage of something, forget what its called already, for agitation, won't be able to pick up till tomorrow but I'm so relieved

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[Standup2me]

I've had three nights of three hours of sleep a night, I am tired but wired.

[scatterbrained04]

Having a better day than I've had in awhile. Also, bought a Powerball ticket. Just one. Fingers crossed.