[slave_2010]

Every day, all day I need to put on a face that isn't mine. Well, it is mine, but its the one everyone wants, or needs it to look like. Most of my day spent at work, not just doing my work to the best of my ability, no no, I can't let them see oh today I'm sad. Or no wait wow he's all wired up and in a good mood, or then there's the more typical anxious because I'm moody and I can't hide it completely. Or I put the mask down or drop it for a minute, somebody catches a glimpse of a person that seems to have issues. So I worry, screw up my work, then act paranoid I'm going to get fired. Then I come home, my kids still excited to see me, I don't want to bring them down. So regardless of depressive, manic, anxious or mediocre I shove it down, best I can. My wife probably see's more of what's behind the mask, but oddly doesn't get that I have a mask. In fact there's a mask for her too. I can't get too bipolar can I? No, no that would be irritating, frustrating and annoying. I just want to be me, and I can't, its why I'm so exhausted by earlier evening, I have to conform for the greater good apparently. Why can't it stop or at least if I could hit pause on everything around me and give myself a f***ing break I think its deserved. Screw you bipolar I hate you and I hate these masks, cloaks smoke and mirrors, go to hell.

bipolar rapid cycling - lamitcal 300mg
panic attacks - clonazepam 4mg
depression/generalized anxiety - lexapro 10mg
add - adderall 55mg

i'm the logic to the screw up to the broken one who fixed it

[Edgar's Mom]

You don't need any of those masks here with us. You can be as bipolar as you need to be... as bipolar as you are. Everyone here understands.

((((((((HUG)))))))))))

I can sooooo relate to this. Most of the time I feel like a fraud, purely because I cannot be true to myself due to others expectations, or the expectations I have of myself. For my family I wear a mask. For my daughter, as soon as I let down the mask she starts worring and I am inundated with cards telling me that she hopes I get better soon. Makes me feel like s***. The mask I wear for my wife, that is more an emotional one, to shield her from the darkness and pain. She can tell when I am not right, but she has very little idea just how not right I am. I think it is the loving thing to do.

With those around me, you just know they don't want to even try to get it. The mask for them is just to get them to accept me. Most know that I have bipolar, and that allows me a certain level of freedom. But again, they have absolutely no idea of who the real me is. All they see is "he's feeling a little down". They don't see the depth of the pain or what I actually feel like doing. I guess in that sense the mask is a protection for me.

But, do I feel I ever get to be the real me, only on PC

[Wildflower4]

I can relate. The masks I put on for others makes me feel exhausted.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

OMG! This was going to be my next thread! I only have my husband, son, mom, and one brother, and a couple of old close friends that know I have Bipolar and that I'm an alcoholic. At work I was the always bubbly outgoing woman and then I would get in my car, and the mask would come off. Home right now, I'm trying to keep it more in check for my son than anyone else. He worries so much about me and I try to put on a brave face for him. However, with all the medication changes in the past few months it's been hard. My husband is supportive now that he knows what is going on (newly diagnosed). We moved two years ago and I've made no friends here, just acquaintances and it's on purpose actually. I'm just too damned tired of putting on the mask for anyone anymore. I so get it! Hugs!

[wildflowerchild25]

Totally understand. At least now I have a reason to be depressed, so if I seem depressed I just say that's it. But it was sooooo hard when I was unstable. Thankfully I am mostly stable now. I hope you feel better soon and just know that we all certainly get it.

[vjdragonfly]

slave 2010 I know the feeling and the pressure of having to keep it together because you are relied upon to do your part in your family. There has been sooo many times I wanted to go to the hospital because inside I was in need of help, but I choke it down and do what I HAVE to do. My family does see some of the change, but they will never know to what extent it really is. As for the rest of the world, I just don't deal with it. I'm pretty sure your job can't fire you over an episode because bipolar is considered a disability, but if it like in our home, a day away from work would cause the bills not to be paid. You are a strong man to hold it together, unfortunately, as I know, it is not what is really best for us.

[wiretwister]

I think we all wear masks, the good employee ,the spouse ,the parent and on and on .... I think MI changes the way and need for our masks, instead of showing what we think the world wants, out of fear we wear that (I'm not MI mask) and that failure to be honest to ourselves causes internal struggles , added onto the MI this starts a vicious cycle that can be so hurtful to our self image ....

the fear mask is not of our own choosing and is very distructive ... although I have not outed myself yet, by accepting my MI I have begun to change my opinion of myself and I feel my mask is changing ... I believe if one could ever completely free their self of fear and embrace their MI the mask would fall off ... it would be replaced by a regular mask, the employee, parent ect...

we will always wear masks , but the mask we wear out of fear is the one we struggle with the most .... I find it hard to believe anyone would want to openly be know as MI but that is indeed the only way to drop that mask ....

This has been rambling and hard to follow , maybe confusing but is the best I know how to express it ...

If you really want to understand masks read after Joseph Campbell ...

[gina_re]

This my life. Minus the wife and kids part. But there are various masks I have to where as well. Frustrating. Exhausting.

[slave_2010]

Originally Posted by Marsupilami

With those around me, you just know they don't want to even try to get it. The mask for them is just to get them to accept me. Most know that I have bipolar, and that allows me a certain level of freedom. But again, they have absolutely no idea of who the real me is. All they see is "he's feeling a little down". They don't see the depth of the pain or what I actually feel like doing. I guess in that sense the mask is a protection for me.

But, do I feel I ever get to be the real me, only on PC

I can't believe how many have replied relating, but your words here Marsupilami, this hits it straight on. I'm taken aback really, thank you for sharing.

[slave_2010]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

slave 2010 I know the feeling and the pressure of having to keep it together because you are relied upon to do your part in your family. There has been sooo many times I wanted to go to the hospital because inside I was in need of help, but I choke it down and do what I HAVE to do. My family does see some of the change, but they will never know to what extent it really is. As for the rest of the world, I just don't deal with it. I'm pretty sure your job can't fire you over an episode because bipolar is considered a disability, but if it like in our home, a day away from work would cause the bills not to be paid. You are a strong man to hold it together, unfortunately, as I know, it is not what is really best for us.

You know I've actually wanted to check myself in only to not do so because I can't with work and family...thank you for sharing.

[slave_2010]

Hmmm... Scary that all of you snuck into my head and posted it here.

bipolar rapid cycling - lamitcal 300mg
panic attacks - clonazepam 4mg
depression/generalized anxiety - lexapro 10mg
add - adderall 55mg

i'm the logic to the screw up to the broken one who fixed it

[LettinG0]

I, too, wear the mask......the one that says "I'm fine" and "I'm the strong one" --- Absolutely no one around me has any idea how bad this disorder is for me or how fragile I can get.

I was in the hospital three times from Oct 2014 through Feb 2015. Every time, I told my ex-husband (with whom I live) as I was walking out the door and sent a text to my kids (they are grown) and sister so they would know where I was.

And, when I left the hospital.......I slipped the mask right back on. They never really even knew why I was there....but part of that is my fault. I don't open up to them because I don't think they can handle it....a couple of them say they can....but I don't think so..

[vjdragonfly]

Originally Posted by slave_2010

You know I've actually wanted to check myself in only to not do so because I can't with work and family...thank you for sharing.

your welcome, always nice to know that other ppl can relate

[vjdragonfly]

Originally Posted by LettinG0

I don't open up to them because I don't think they can handle it....a couple of them say they can....but I don't think so..

I know the feeling, they would wig out if they truly new have how many times the thought has crossed my mind or how I really feel when I'm around them. I know that sounds bad, but when I first told my Dad I had bipolar he asked me if he could get some of the members from church and him pray over me. WTF I have talked a little more with family but still I can read that even the outer edge of my bipolar is worrisome to them.

[LettinG0]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

I have talked a little more with family but still I can read that even the outer edge of my bipolar is worrisome to them.

That's me, too. After this last round of hospitalizations, a couple of them were like "keep us informed...we want to be here for you..." and then you start sharing just a teeny bit....and you get blank looks, subject changes, uncomfortable laughs.......so, no.....I don't share

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I think we all wear masks, the good employee ,the spouse ,the parent and on and on .... I think MI changes the way and need for our masks, instead of showing what we think the world wants, out of fear we wear that (I'm not MI mask) and that failure to be honest to ourselves causes internal struggles , added onto the MI this starts a vicious cycle that can be so hurtful to our self image ....

the fear mask is not of our own choosing and is very distructive ... although I have not outed myself yet, by accepting my MI I have begun to change my opinion of myself and I feel my mask is changing ... I believe if one could ever completely free their self of fear and embrace their MI the mask would fall off ... it would be replaced by a regular mask, the employee, parent ect...

we will always wear masks , but the mask we wear out of fear is the one we struggle with the most .... I find it hard to believe anyone would want to openly be know as MI but that is indeed the only way to drop that mask ....

This has been rambling and hard to follow , maybe confusing but is the best I know how to express it ...

If you really want to understand masks read after Joseph Campbell ...

very profound post... wire... i find it truly on point... and yes, hard to work on, but nevertheless possible...

joseph campbell is very good too... many insightful writings...

love to u all...

[notthisagain]

Your post describes where I am at now. I feel like if anyone saw how I truly am and how bad it can get, they will drop me like a hot potato. I try to keep it together, make other people laugh, take the time to listen to other people, and even help other people financially to the point where it is harming me.

I'm afraid that I've set the expectation with other people when I am hypomanic/manic and get a superhuman amount of things done and be overly generous, that is how I should be 24/7. They just seem to take it for granted. Then, when I am at my bottom, it seems like they just can't understand it, or worse, don't want to. It's exhausting trying to get people to realize that when I am at the end of my rope, when I say that "I can't", it's not the same thing as me saying "I won't".

There are some people that know about my bipolar and my GAD, and as much as I try to let them into my head and see what is really going on, they just don't get it. So I try the best I can to plant a happy expression on my face and marshall all of the strength that I can muster to act like there is nothing wrong, when that is so far from the truth. There's no point in them trying to get why I've had to gone out on leave or why I've been so debilitated at times that I couldn't work. There's no point in trying to explain why I have to take all of these medications.

I don't know what it more exhausting, the MI or the effort that it takes to pretend everything is hunky-dorey just so that I don't ruin someone else's day.

[tanto]

I'm relating to everyone in this thread, it's awesome. But I never really felt the "mask" thing. Mask or not, you are who you are. There never is hiding behind a mask, in my eyes, because being behind a mask is just who you are. If you were any different there would be no mask. I personally recognize duality, however. Going from mania in the workplace, planting the seeds of friendship and comradery with my peers... to the depression and reclusion - anger and isolation from those with whom I, just the day before, rallied with. "What's wrong?", "Are you okay?"; These are questions nightmares are made of. How could one who cycles so casually between the poles of sentiment explain that this is just how things happen for me? What is wrong one day can be so meaningless the next, and totally inconsequential to those on the normal spectrum of cyclical emotion. These extremes in affectivity are so potently toxic in nature; can we really be expected to intentionally infect those who care for us the most? We are forced to sacrifice our abilities to be independent peoples in order to appease curious minds that don't even realize the depths of complexity that is mood disorders. But, this is life. What more is there to do but comply? In the end, we come out stronger - we challenge and overcome adversities daily - and they remain drudging through their naivety. We can only hope the sonnet of our atypical minds would be understood and embraced, for the good of this world and those whom will inherit it from us.

[slave_2010]

Originally Posted by tanto

I'm relating to everyone in this thread, it's awesome. But I never really felt the "mask" thing. Mask or not, you are who you are. There never is hiding behind a mask, in my eyes, because being behind a mask is just who you are. If you were any different there would be no mask. I personally recognize duality, however. Going from mania in the workplace, planting the seeds of friendship and comradery with my peers... to the depression and reclusion - anger and isolation from those with whom I, just the day before, rallied with. "What's wrong?", "Are you okay?"; These are questions nightmares are made of. How could one who cycles so casually between the poles of sentiment explain that this is just how things happen for me? What is wrong one day can be so meaningless the next, and totally inconsequential to those on the normal spectrum of cyclical emotion. These extremes in affectivity are so potently toxic in nature; can we really be expected to intentionally infect those who care for us the most? We are forced to sacrifice our abilities to be independent peoples in order to appease curious minds that don't even realize the depths of complexity that is mood disorders. But, this is life. What more is there to do but comply? In the end, we come out stronger - we challenge and overcome adversities daily - and they remain drudging through their naivety. We can only hope the sonnet of our atypical minds would be understood and embraced, for the good of this world and those whom will inherit it from us.

I agree with you completely, my response is that I don't feel interested in being stronger then everyone else. Being exhausted because I go about my life having the right mask on at the right time, well, really really sucks. And I have to keep doing it,maybe if I had made different choices and was single, I could check myself in. But I can't and Im stuck in this miserable place with little energy left and all there is is to "keep going" with as little mental disruption to others as possible. I guess I'm just venting, helps a little hearing of others with masks.

[Trippin2.0]

I used to be very exhausted from the masks too.


Then I realized the masks were weighing me down instead of helping me out.


They were for the benefit of others, and never really did anything for me, beyond allowing me to be mostly functional at work.


So I made a vow to stop wearing that stupid shyt.


Trying to contain myself 9/10 times to shield others instead of just allowing myself to be, was stifling. I don't do well with feeling trapped and stifled, its actually one of my very few triggers.


Funny thing is, I can go to work, tell my manager I'm feeling like shyt and can't deal with clients, I can come home and my daughter and mother will read my face, my bf will hear the heartache in my voice. These lovely people will ask if I need some alone time and I will unabashedly say "yes please", because I don't mind that any and all of them know, afterall I chose to stop wearing the masks, but mostly I still behave as if I still am wearing them.


I can openly and readily admit to not doing well, but I don't know how to not attempt to hide it.

Even when all I want to do is vent or curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, I will sit and make idle chit chat or make you laugh...

Guess that after all this time, its hard wired.

[kennyc]

This may or may not fit here as it is not strictly bipolar related, but much of this thread seems more general than particularly bipolar related.

I've pretty much always felt like an impostor, wearing masks all my life, even feeling like I was 'born into the wrong family.' During therapy many years ago and through subsequent self-examination I came to realize how I had ( or at least felt as if I had) been mostly a puppet whose strings and masks were being controlled by those around me. I made a decision to try and become myself, to drop the masks as much as possible (as others have said they are sometimes necessary in some situations) and be true to myself.

Interestingly after reading the posts here I also ran across an article at Wait but Why by Tim Urban concerning the topic of 'masks' and what other think and why you should stop caring what they think. It's a good article. I'm a bit unsure whether to just post here or if it's worthy of a thread of its own. Here's the link:

Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Tim Urban


Part 1: Meet Your Mammoth

The first day I was in second grade, I came to school and noticed that there was a new, very pretty girl in the class—someone who hadn’t been there the previous two years. Her name was Alana and within an hour, she was everything to me.

When you’re seven, there aren’t really any actionable steps you can take when you’re in love with someone. You’re not even sure what you want from the situation. There’s just this amorphous yearning that’s a part of your life, and that’s that.

But for me, it became suddenly relevant a few months later, when during recess one day, one of the girls in the class started asking each of the boys, “Who do youuu want to marry?” When she asked me, it was a no-brainer. “Alana.”

Disaster.

I was still new to being a human and didn’t realize that the only socially acceptable answer was, “No one.”

The second I answered, the heinous girl ran toward other students, telling each one, “Tim said he wants to marry Alana!” Each person she told covered their mouth with uncontrollable laughter. I was finished. Life was over.

The news quickly got back to Alana herself, who stayed as far away from me as possible for days after. If she knew what a restraining order was, she’d have taken one out.

This horrifying experience taught me a critical life lesson—it can be mortally dangerous to be yourself, and you should exercise extreme social caution at all times.

Now this sounds like something only a traumatized second grader would think, but the weird thing, and the topic of this post, is that this lesson isn’t just limited to me and my debacle of a childhood—it’s a defining paranoia of the human species. We share a collective insanity that pervades human cultures throughout the world:

An irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us.

Evolution does everything for a reason, and to understand the origin of this particular insanity, let’s back up for a minute to 50,000BC in Ethiopia, where your Great2,000 Grandfather lived as part of a small tribe.

Back then, being part of a tribe was critical to survival.

....

Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think - Wait But Why