[Melan.cholia]

First of all, hi! I'm Melanie and I haven't visited this forum in several years. I have Bipolar type I disorder as well as ADD. I create artwork from home when my boyfriend is out and about, but am otherwise a bit of a couch potato (just as of late... pregnancy has made it too difficult to move around much). It's lovely to meet you all!

So, this is a problem: I have about a month to go before I deliver my son and just over the past few days, I've become a bit manic (which, by the way, is *miserable* while pregnant... but then again, so is everything). It began with severe insomnia and a long-overdue bought of chattiness and happiness, but now I am hallucinating. They're my standard hallucinations, nothing very disturbing- just textures moving on walls and furniture. It's more distracting than anything.

I'm just worried that this will progress. The only medication that I'm able to take during this third trimester is lamotrigine, which is a mood stabilizer that is really more geared towards depression than mania. I've been painting a little to keep myself busy, but am running out of things to paint (eek)... and, well, mania just bothers me in general since my last episode almost destroyed my VERY important relationship.

Questions, then (sorry for the rambley post, but mania):

-Have you ever successfully coped with mania *without medication* and, if so, how?
-Am I s.o.l. ...?

Seriously, I can't take my meds and am completely opposed to putting my child in a situation that might force me to take drugs that I am not okay with.

[Melan.cholia]

Ugh... I'm absolutely disgusted by this. Why can't I be manic *after* the baby is born when sleep isn't important!?

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[Edgar's Mom]

I don't have an answer for you Melanie but I wanted to say hi anyway....

Are you able to do relaxation meditations to try to go to sleep? It seems like insomnia is a troublemaker right now. Are you allowed melatonin while pregnant? Are there benign sleep aids you can take?

I feel badly for you... Pregnancy is a time when you need to nest and feel safe and stable... You shouldn't have to worry about your partner leaving...

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Since you are carrying a child and are putting your body through this and staying off meds for the sake of your child, I would HOPE he'd understand regardless of what happens. It's not in your control and you need emotional stability and support right now.

(((((((Hug)))))))))

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[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

I don't have an answer for you Melanie but I wanted to say hi anyway....

Are you able to do relaxation meditations to try to go to sleep? It seems like insomnia is a troublemaker right now. Are you allowed melatonin while pregnant? Are there benign sleep aids you can take?

I feel badly for you... Pregnancy is a time when you need to nest and feel safe and stable... You shouldn't have to worry about your partner leaving...

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Since you are carrying a child and are putting your body through this and staying off meds for the sake of your child, I would HOPE he'd understand regardless of what happens. It's not in your control and you need emotional stability and support right now.

(((((((Hug)))))))))

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Hi!

Unfortunately, only the strong stuff puts me to sleep when I'm manic. I have to be pretty much sedated. I had a pot brownie the other night, which allowed me to catch up on some sleep (approved by my OBGYN as needed), but those aren't very easy to come by in this state.

I haven't communicated the mania in question to my boyfriend yet because I don't want to scare him. My mood disorder has been so very triggered by these pregnancy hormones that I've been an intermittent mess for eight months. He knows that there's nothing that he can do to fix things, so complaining about it just adds another bother upon bother. It exacerbates things.

Thank you for suggesting meditation! That reminded me that I have a sleep hypnosis video that I've used successfully on YouTube before. I'll try that tonight.

Hm... I've actually had a very nice night despite worrying about this situation. It was nice being charismatic and witty again. Maybe I should just enjoy the ride and not stress out about impending doom. It is time to set up the nursery (or rather, a corner of our flat), so there are plenty of things to keep me busy. Eh.

Ty for the help!

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[Melan.cholia]

Meant to add this^ He doesn't understand yet. We've only been together for eight and a half months (we pretty much just got together and made a baby... woops, lol). It took my parents years to even grasp that I have a mental illness, and my mom still doesn't understand the severity... even after seeing me in the hospital. They're very attentive parents, too, so I don't expect him to comprehend my behavior having such a limited amount of experience with it.

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[LettinG0]

I don't have any advice either because I have never suffered full-blown mania.

Just anted to say 'hi' and 'congratulations on the baby' and I am glad you are doing everything in your power to take care of him and you.

I would just say be sure to let someone know where you are at in case you need more assistance than you can manage on your own.....

Hugs!

Hi! So do you still have a therapist? I want to second the meditation. There are these really nice podcasts through iTunes called meditation oasis. Taking long walks and hot baths might help too. But I would call your pdoc and at least let her know that your symptoms are increasing so she is in the loop.

[Trippin2.0]

Hi there

Congrats on the pregnancy, and kudos for reaching out just in case things go haywire.


You're doing a great job, I assure you


Sorry I am adviceless as I don't suffer from full blown mania either, but I would second meditation, relaxation, and just enjoying the good bits while keeping your eyes peeled for the horrid parts that may or may not appear.

[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by jupiter3

Hi! So do you still have a therapist? I want to second the meditation. There are these really nice podcasts through iTunes called meditation oasis. Taking long walks and hot baths might help too. But I would call your pdoc and at least let her know that your symptoms are increasing so she is in the loop.

I probably will give him a call. It's a little inconvenient to make an appointment with him, but I am a little overdue tbh. My psychiatrist doubles as a therapist.

Ty!

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[Edgar's Mom]

Let us know how it goes Melanie... I'll be thinking of you :-)

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[Melan.cholia]

Will do! So far so good, I think.

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[Edgar's Mom]

That's good to hear. :-)

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[Melan.cholia]

Update!

I believe that this is mania day five, and I have managed to sleep on and off for about twelve hours, only slightly assisted by a pain killer for my excrutiating pelvic pain.

I'm guessing that being so largely pregnant has pretty much defeated the mania. I would even go so far as to say that I would be perfectly content just staying in this apartment and doing nothing until my due date. Which would be perfect, since I'm broke, out of gas, and had to fight over an electric scooter-buggy at Walmart the other night because I literally could not make it to my car with my hips ripping apart at the seams. I live in the states, so pretty much *all* of these motorized carts were bogarted by large people (not sensatioally large, I mean totally capable of walking from point A to point B), a totally healthy man in his 20s who just wanted to glide around the supermarket, and a pregnant woman who had "swollen feet." These people only beat me to the carts because they could *walk.* ...Walmart is a difficult place to have a handicap.

The hallucinations have dissipated tremendously (she said watching a mark on the wall become squiggly and... dance?). Or maybe I just don't care anymore. Whatever. Squiggle away.

Anyway, so everything's fine on the manic front. I'm going to keep checking into this thread to hold myself accountable until I'm absolutely sure that things have calmed down... and maybe to just have a record, since this is pretty unique. Also because I would have been elated to find any sort of personal accounts of bipolar and pregnancy online many months ago.

[Edgar's Mom]

I look forward to your updates...
Your description of your frustration over the carts had me laughing out loud ... It was the absurdity of the people beating you to the carts because they could walk and the way you wrote it.

I'm overtired and it just struck me as funny. I hope you don't mind and you know I'm not laughing at your pain or how difficult it was for you to get the carts.. It's just ridiculous to imagine you were being overtaken!

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[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

I look forward to your updates...
Your description of your frustration over the carts had me laughing out loud ... It was the absurdity of the people beating you to the carts because they could walk and the way you wrote it.

I'm overtired and it just struck me as funny. I hope you don't mind and you know I'm not laughing at your pain or how difficult it was for you to get the carts.. It's just ridiculous to imagine you were being overtaken!

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I laugh at life's frustrations, so my writing usually reflects it. Sort of intentional, yet unintentional.

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[LettinG0]

Thanks for the update Mel......continue to take care of y'all.....thoughts and hugs

I, too, was rolling on the floor over the Walmart buggy tale.... (My husband is disabled so I TOTALLY get it, too)

[Melan.cholia]

I slept pretty much all day again... I am *completely* shocked that I actually managed to do the dishes, clean the counters, and fix dinner before my boyfriend came home last night (4:00am... he manages a bar). The laundry is just not happening, though. Our apartment doesn't have a washer and drier, so I have to lug everything down to the first floor, across the parking garage, and into this tiny mat beside the lobby.

I painted this to put on (or above) Jude's crib:


I guess that I can just hibernate through this episode? I will be awake tomorrow morning though, since my mom is taking me out to do some price shopping for baby things (she sympathizes over my destitute gas tank).

I'm just... so, so sleepy.

EDIT: I am going to do the laundry. I am going to make this journey. I will prevail. It's going DOWN.

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[Melan.cholia]

Well, laundry endeavor failed. It seems that I've lost my bag of quarters, which means that I'm flat broke since I'm unemployed and my boyfriend and I haven't set up anything akin to a joint account (we've only been dating for eight months with a miserable break in-between).



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[Trippin2.0]

You haven't failed, your laundry mission has just been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances i.e, the bag of quarters playing hide and seek without warning.


You did good, even resting is good, because once baby comes, that goes out the window.


Love the artwork btw!

[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You haven't failed, your laundry mission has just been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances i.e, the bag of quarters playing hide and seek without warning.


You did good, even resting is good, because once baby comes, that goes out the window.


Love the artwork btw!

Thank you! I love painting. So much fun.

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[Edgar's Mom]

It sounds like you are doing awesome Melanie. I've been thinking of you :-)

The laundry is on borrowed time. You will prevail.

Lisa

Nice to meet you and I love the painting! Hang in there, you're doing the best that you can.

Is this your first child?

[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Nice to meet you and I love the painting! Hang in there, you're doing the best that you can.

Is this your first child?

Yes, he is! He was very much a surprise, too.

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[ozzy1313]

I love the name plate and your walmart post was waaaay too accurate!

[Melan.cholia]

Today has been absolutely awful, and for absolutely no rational reason.

My brain is a terrorist, and it attacks at random no matter what in the world I am trying to do or accomplish. It causes such turmoil that I would honestly rather be in constant physical pain than deal with its mental writhings. Perhaps the mild pain pills that I took really were providing me with a buffer, because I didn't feel nearly so activated before.

All day I've been dwelling on the hurtful things that my boyfriend said to me while we were seperated and the awful way that he treated me. He was seeing someone while we were apart and after *less* than a month had decided to move in with her. According to him she gave him tickles and made fun at my desperate attempts to be with him again. Great. All the while I'm making him a baby, waiting for him for hours like a third class citizen because he didn't have the decency to tell me that he wouldn't meet with me someplace... he just let me wait for him wherever I was (standing me up). I made artwork for him, dropped sleeping aids at his door because when he was having trouble sleeping... God, and I forgave him for sleeping with another girl three days after we broke up right before my sonogram (his door was unlocked when I went in to pick him up and... whoops). Honestly, the only part of that that hurt me was that he said "sorry" to her before he left with me. I was having a panic attack outside of the door and I did not receive an apology. At all. Ever.

...and just, all of this is killing me because it keeps looping in my mind. I have no idea where to place it. It's been looping ever since we got back together and I've been crying to myself off and on, but today it's been intolerable... and I can't medicate it like I was able to during my second trimester. I actually had to flush my xanax down the toilet a while back because I knew that I couldn't trust myself not to take it (brain being out to kill me and all).

Really, the most horrible thing that he ever said to me was that I should be more like tickle-btch, his ex (the one whom he was going to move in with, but didn't because she didn't love him enough to even consider taking care of his child... I believe that she was *using* his feelings for her just to get away from her abusive husband). He told me this after I had agreed to move in with him again... after he told me that he still loved me, he called me "inferior." Worse yet, when she completely called it off with him a couple of days later (which I thought had already happened, but I have this problem where I trust the ones I love), he yelled at me for it. Which he doesn't remember doing, because he was completely wasted and had taken my xanax.

...I don't know what to do. I can't stop these thoughts from circulating. It's like poison and it has been going on since I woke up five hours ago. I feel like I am in hell. I want to leave and distract myself, but I'm stranded here without any gas.

I'll approach him soon and tell him that he needs to apologize for telling me to be like his ex and yelling at me later... yelling "She was my BEST FRIEND." It just hurts. I've been putting up with feeling miserably scorned for two months now. I really can't forgive him until he apologizes.

...and I really haven't told him that I've been holding on to any of this, so I don't blame him for not saying anything. I can't feel loved by him until I get some closure for this, though. I threw out all of her shi* a while back, but I just cannot shut my brain off.

Ugh.

---------Edit:
I keep second-guessing myself on bringing this up while I'm not medicated. Maybe I should just deal with it by myself?

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