Fear

My fear of speaking or doing things in front of people really holds me back. I go through phases of this but Im stuck in my bad fearful stage!

It sucks. I cant do much of anything that requires that stuff now, even if its something I really wanna do. is this a bp thing or only anxiety related? im pretty educated about bp but I was curious how common it is.

For me its related to Anxiety. but I often just have to shove myself into situations that I really am afraid of because if I dont force myself I could easily allow my life to get very small and I would become more and more fearful of everything until Im stuck under layer after layer of fear .

See I thought it was more anxiety related as it feeds into my panic. Its gotten progressively worse lately and I just want to be all alone. My anxiety has been thought the roof though

My anxiety has been silly lately. Ive really had to work hard at not hiding from the world.

I can never tell what is more debilitating, right now it feels like anxiety is!

That's understandable.

One of my vulnerabilities for self harm is when I isolate which I'm doing badly!

Fear is controlling me right now. I can push but its so unpleasent. I went to work ok but have been in bed since.

That's exactly what I do.

Yesterday I was wishing I never, ever had to leave out of the door again... but I still pushed myself out to go for a walk with my wife. The weather was alright, but I felt pretty terrible really, I hated every minute of it, but in the end I was glad I made it to the end without screwing things up.

Even replying to this thread was so difficult, but I made it

Every little victory counts

Hallie that sounds like anxiety to me too. For me anxiety complicates my depression by keeping me from doing things, which in turn makes my depression worse at times. I once ended up in an episode where I literally sat and stared for months, not able to even read or watch TV. It started with depression and then isolation. The more I isolated, the worse it got until I could barely talk.

The depression I'm in now is as painful as that one and I was thinking about it the other day, wondering what's different. This depression is the deepest darkest one I've had since then, and the first one my husband has been so worried about since then. It was the last time suicide was actually a risk. It is again, but this depression is different. I might actually be headed into a bit of a hypo/mixed state but I'm not sure.

What is different and my point is this: I've been leaving my house. The other day someone invited me to go for a hike. I agreed and was having near panic attacks, almost crying I was so overwhelmed with the idea of leaving the house and going. I almost cancelled.

But I went, and I actually felt almost happy for a few hours. It did me the world of good. Had I given in to my anxiety, I would have been mired in the anguish I've been living in almost all day every day.

Sometimes I find it's good to push myself. Other times pushing myself causes too much stress and I have a melt down. Sometimes it's hard to know which I need.

What I do know is giving in to that kind of anxiety all the time, especially when I'm depressed leads me to a very dark place. Sometimes cocooning is what I need and I pull back and hibernate to feel safe. But I have to be very careful not to fall into a pattern of isolating. That is very dangerous.

I went for my walk this morning. 1 hour the entire time feeling the sky was falling in on me. Have been wiped out/not real since.

For me it's all about anxiety and ADD. I have medication I take that helps with it.

It keeps from so much I'd like to try but even talking in front of more than a couple people is diffucult

Hey that's great!

ALSO this stuck out to me because I also know that feeling so well. Do you ever get into a conflict about how to use your 'resources'?

When I have anxiety problems like you, OP, about talking to people or even just going out the door, I sometimes get so stuck in trying to evaluate what to use my energy for, because there is so little left that is not eaten up by the anxiety at the time.

Like: if I go out to buy food right now, will I still have enough 'me' left for later when I have to somehow manage to drag myself to class?

Anxiety and low self esteem with a touch of paranoia for me. I'm always thinking people are staring or making fun of me. At times when I talk I think "wow that sounded stupid". It really sucks. And no, my meds don't make it go away. In the past I quieted my thoughts with 20 drinks a day at 97lbs. I was a mess. I havnt had a drink since May though and I feel these thoughts have gotten louder.