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Possible trigger:

If I were to care, I'd post Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land. But, who would want to hear it, and who would listen. If songs could kill maybe we would die long, slow deaths full of beauty. "This land was made for you and me." Today, I worried that I am being controlled. And my thoughts, they seemed a little disorganized, to me at least. So, I listened to Woody to remind me that no one will ever control me, not a fascist government if that it should become. It could be just me being worried. I talked to my sister because she asked how I was. I just told her not well, that I haven't much improved, that it is what it is. She encouraged me. It worked. But, I still feel like I'm hanging by a short rope. "On the back side, it didn't say nothing. This land is made for you and me." There is no security in the lyrics to a song. There is no security in music. So, why do I seek it out? Why is it my refuge? No words can save me. No words can protect me. Words can only kill me. Words like "I'm a christian." Words like "I'm mentally ill." Words like "there is a gun in my household." These can kill me. Music can be manipulated; it can be subliminal. But, no one really knows. Who is in control? Who oversees my sanity? When I lose sanity, who is there to make sure I'm not controlled, I'm not abused, I'm not manipulated?

So, I'm listening to This Land is Your Land, and it makes me want to cry. It causes immense anxiety. It makes me want to run away from everything I know and hide there until forever passes...until this feeling passes.

And, if this makes sense to anyone, it was incredibly awkward to write. It was incredibly uncomfortable to share. It's not every day I walk in passive fear. It's not every day I think I am going to be overtaken. I fear that it will happen. The sky will fall. Glen Beck will prove everyone wrong. We will fall...and I'll be at the very bottom.

[cashart10]

This Land was made for you and me.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I like that song

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"Voice was chanting as the fog was lifting, this land was made for you and me."

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I saw below me, that golden valley. This land was made for me and you.

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[Georgia Bridge]

YIKES!!!

Shots of Haldol images haunt the daylights out of me!
Man, sometimes they use some pretty big needles.
Like virtual help is ever believable...
but if it were...
I'm responding to your thread in bits... some parts stick in my memory and if I don't address whichever bit it is that's in my memory lickety split I'll forget it.
I myself would rather be on the bottom if the sky were to fall. I couldn't breathe but just about everybody else would be clawing to get out... upwards... and I think I'd feel much safer just sitting where I landed.

Possible trigger:

Virtual cries for help are just as untrustworthy as virtual responses to those 'cries' for help for me so I always try to stay 'let the cards fall where they may'. No offence intended.

[cashart10]

No offense taken. I tend to get very very wound up from time to time...and music stimulates me, clearly. And it is right now and I can't turn it off. And, I feel dizzy, but I think it maybe is just from anxiety. And, I could wake my husband like I just do sometimes and he would probably calm me...or maybe freak out. And, I also feel hot. I am just a mess. But, if I just can get some sleep, I will probably wake up half normal. I just do this sometimes. And I lose it, and I can't stop talking and I see my self being committed. But I know I won't be because it is panic and once I calm down, I will be okay. But I have absolutely no clue how to calm down. Thus, the benzos. In the meantime, I will just continue typing.

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[Georgia Bridge]

You should visit my page and look at the messages I left on the visitor page for anyone who may be passing through.
I removed every 'friend' and disabled some things.
I suppose nit-wits who happen by may think it's a passing phase.
Anyway, like I said... nit-wits.
I am far, far beyond dead and have been for a very long time. It is child's play for me to underhandedly flip off all the child's play.
There is no activity in the virtual world that is exempt from the possibility that it is what one would do when they're 5 yrs. old...play practical jokes.
I think we all learned all we need to know in kindergarten.

[cashart10]

But, at least now I am crying and I realize why I am such a mess tonight. I realize why I am such a crazy person. And, I feel so embarrassed and like a really, really stupid, unstable person.

[Georgia Bridge]

I just put my earbuds in and blast my eardrums out until the lyrics are moot... and keep on blasting. It's very calming for me.

[cashart10]

Thank you. After having cried a little bigger than necessary given the situation, and deleting all of my comments, I feel better. Perhaps you are right...and maybe the virtual world isn't the best place to utter every thought that falls out of my panicked mind. But, I am so afraid to go to my husband. Sure, I go to him after the fact, I'll tell him that last night I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. At least here, no one really knows me, except I know that those who kind of know me on here will love me anyway, and I know that those who have qualms with me are gonna have those qualms. I'm still listening to this stupid song and I'm starting to hate it because it is making me feel worse, but I feel like I can't turn it off...like it's a toddler's security blanket. I just do that even though I know it makes no sense. I just feel like a ******* mess. And I want to keep talking about how bad I am and how horrible I am in this moment, because I complain too much, and, right now, that's all I feel like I can do. I don't know how to get it together when I am feeling like this. I am like a kindergartner, entirely labile. And I know it. But, I'm not sure how to change it. Anyway, I feel less panicked but clearly just as emotional. Perhaps I always will. But, when I am not in the midst of an episode, I am emotionally stable. I don't do this nonsense. I don't feel this nonsense. And, I especially don't act like a lunatic.

[cashart10]

I'm still not done. I just need some sort of release. I just can't seem to do this tonight. I took two benzos and I don't feel tired and I am just hoping that my husband doesn't wake up because I don't want him to see me upset.

Surely I'll feel better in the morning, surely. Because, I can't do this otherwise, I can't function like this. I can call a crisis line, maybe that would be better than this. But, my mom is on vacation and I feel like it would ruin her trip if she knew I was this upset. And, I feel like if I told anyone, they would tell her. Plus, I've felt paranoid today and that scares me. But, I'm already back on Abilify. What is left? Going back on 6 meds? Anyway, I'll try to shut it. I'll try to stop typing. But, I am finding that exceedingly difficult.

[cashart10]

Feeling like I can rest and feeling calmer. My eyes are tired. I turned the song off after having listened to it a good portion of the day on loop and being entirely unproductive. The silence without it isn't as bad as I thought. But, at least I think I am done with these horrible musings. Although you likely will, I hope you will judge me little from this nonsense. Tomorrow, I am off to my sister's house for a get together (we have one every Sunday at my mom and dad's but since they are out of town, my sister is hosting), we have family in from out of town as my aunt is not well, she is fighting for her life. The prognosis is bleak but they have not given up hope. Anyway, hoping tomorrow is a little more peaceful that tonight. I hope all of you are well.

All my love,
Sarah

[Georgia Bridge]

Trust your instincts
Virtual 🌎:... ...
It doesn't seem like it sometimes for me, but I know I'm safe saying whatever I want.
Possibly one day I'll get kicked off or laughed off of the forum, but more to the point for me... will it really matter?
Not in the slightest... it all disappears with the tide. Anyway, that's what my relationship is with the social network.
I don't see why you shouldn't say whatever you want. It is very cathartic for me to do so on PC. And a lot of the reason I do it is to put it into the global computer network for reasons of my own.
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby... birds fly over the rainbow; why, oh, why can't I?"
Sorry for the self-absorbed...
( It's one of those volcano eruptions times of my life, but from the flow we get really cool pumice stones and from the ashes comes the Phoenix.)

[Georgia Bridge]

Well, I wrote a reply but then I couldn't post it because I ended up offline.
Short version:
I'm not judging you. I try hard not to judge anyone.

Everyone has just as much right to be who they are as I have to be who I am.
I'm glad you're feeling better and, maybe, by now you are even sleeping.
Well wishes for tomorrow ( your tomorrow is a difficult subject for me, so I am sending you well wishes).
Good night.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Georgia Bridge

Well, I wrote a reply but then I couldn't post it because I ended up offline.
Short version:
I'm not judging you. I try hard not to judge anyone.

Everyone has just as much right to be who they are as I have to be who I am.
I'm glad you're feeling better and, maybe, by now you are even sleeping.
Well wishes for tomorrow ( your tomorrow is a difficult subject for me, so I am sending you well wishes).
Good night.

Thank you! As much as I hate controversy, in real life and online, I have learned not to deter from being me and I have no desire to please everyone. That said, I have learned (it took me many, many years) that one person's judgement of me does not define me.

You seem very sweet from my interactions with you and from what I know, you seem to have no issues with me. I hope that doesn't change. I appreciate your honesty and I try not to put my emotions on others.

Why is my "tomorrow a difficult subject for" you? I don't understand what you are saying here.