Trigger

I'm just saying if you have to leave because you can't handle being mom wife THEN go IP. IP is different each time.

That does make sense. Then, by the time I came out, maybe I'd know certainly that it is the BP talking and not me. I will talk it out with t.

Are you able to see your therapist for extra visits right now? I know that always helps me when I'm not doing well and it also means someone is monitoring me that much more closely. It gets expensive though.

She is brand new to me so I'm embarrassed/don't know how to ask. She is income based (thank God) and only charges me $30.

I would just ask. Just say that you'd feel more comfortable right now with more frequent check-ins for a few weeks and even that you feel like you need to develop a relationship with her more quickly than usual due to circumstances. I did that when I started with my therapist because I knew the transition was going to be hard (my prior therapist moved to Europe with pretty much no notice at all; 3 weeks after she said she was leaving I was meeting the current one for the first time and a week after that she was gone. This turned out to be good because he is a much better fit for me but at the time it was devastating).

It's not like she's going to be mean to you . I get seen at a reduced rate and my therapist actually doesn't get anything for seeing me so I always feel bad when I need to see him twice a week but he just tells me that the fee thing was his decision and it is fine. It's still not my favorite thing to do, especially if I know he is busy and I'm taking up appointments that he could earn money but it's been the arrangement for a long time and he insists it is fine so I go with it.

I hope you are feeling better today, and if not, I hope you will go IP.

When I read your posts these past few days I'm very worried about you.

I know you don't want to go IP. I have to go soon too and I'm sick to my stomach about it. I do not want to go at all. I dread it so much.

But I'm going because my doctor wants me to and my husband and family want me to. I'm willing to give it a try and see if it helps me, even though I don't see how it will.

Who knows? Maybe we will both go IP and come out more stable than when we went in... Maybe they can help us, and we'll be glad we went. You are certainly suffering a great deal right now and I wish you could find some stability :-(

(((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

I will suggest to her that I wish I could see her more than once per week. I'll probably be tear streaked anyway. Hopefully, that will be a hint to her.

Thank you so much. I love you guys so much and how much you care! I am not doing well. I went to a Halloween party at my sister's house this evening and my best friend was there. It was a good distraction for a bit but I was ready to leave by 7:30 and now I am home and have that sick feeling again. I just want to be alone. I will talk with my t on Tues and see how that goes. I am just listening to Indigo Girls on loop. Trying not to drown in the sadness, but it is a losing game.

Sarah, I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing. My nieces were here today and I love them so much. I hadn't seen the older one in months because she's in kindergarten and I'm not well enough to drive down on weekends to see her. We took them to a trick or treat event at a park-thing (one of those things only found in Appalachia and too weird to describe without giving out my precise location ) and just played/hung out/did nails/etc and it wore me completely out. The 2 year old refused to nap despite having not slept well last night and well, she's 2. Independence is big and so is her willingness to plop down on the ground and cry. The 5 year old plays nicely by herself but wants frequent input and extra attention that I can barely give. Both of them aren't calling me Aunt Jen anymore which breaks my heart, more than I probably should care but right now I do; I feel like I lost that because of being too unwell to be with them more lately. (Our side of the family uses Aunt; the other side doesn't and there are a lot more of them than me). It was HARD and I knew that after supper was cleaned up I would be coming home and will spend some time with them tomorrow and then back to life wishing I could see them more.

I truly can't imagine doing that all day every day and more (because I was never really alone; my mom was there all the time). To be fair the Halloween thing was a big, loud crowded thing that looked like half the county was in line and there was a lot of jostling and the like so that didn't help me since I'm very sensitive to that but still, the kids were so much harder than they were when I was feeling better and didn't want to run away and curl up in bed. And I feel so bad that I feel that way because I do love them both, so much. I have missed them daily and wanted nothing but to get to see my girls and then I did and it was so much activity. And this isn't even close to what you do. So I'm amazed that you are able to keep up. I don't think I could.

I just did a double take. I have been thinking she needs a week at the beach oceanfront ALONE.

That would be wonderful!!!

Hey cash, I can understand wanting to be alone. Get me in a mood and all I want is to be alone too, which is impossible with a little one (or little ones in your situation!). There have been times when I was having a particularly hard time with being a parent that my husband has actually told me that if I needed to take a break for a few days at my friend's house that would be okay. I never did it because I feel like a monster when I want to get away like that because what kind of mom am I for feeling that way?! Other moms seem so happy and content with the mom thing and I struggle with it. Don't know. Wanted to let you know you're not alone with wanting to get away for awhile.

I think there are two aspects to being a Mom.

There are you children and your relationship to them. This, in my opinion is the only part that's important.

Then there is the role, or job description of being a Mom. The role expected by society. This is the daycare part of being a Mom.

Not all women love that role. Many women prefer to continue working in their careers rather than doing the daycare aspect.

I absolutely loathed that part of it. I hated the whole culture of childcare (playgroups etc)

I was always younger than the other Moms and I was different so I didn't fit in.

I love my kids like crazy and am a devoted and protective Mom. I'm very nurturing.

But..... I found it utterly mind-numbing looking after them when they were younger. I was bored out of my mind for a lot of it. It often felt stifling and it was not a job I enjoyed.

I loved my kids dearly but HATED all of their stupid shows on TV and to this day I cringe when I hear them. I hated playgroups, and was bored with most of the things they wanted to talk about and do when the were little. It's a small, stifling world doing childcare and not everyone finds it fulfilling.

There are women who love it and it seems to be like their calling. I really admire them, but don't think the fact that they enjoy child care automatically makes them better mothers. They love doing it in spite of their kids, and it's always easier to do something you enjoy.

They love the role or the identity of mother and the sense of purpose. They often want more kids because they love it so much. For some women I've known like this, child rearing is also their hobby.

I was not like this and it took tremendous effort for me to do the things that came so naturally to some other people I know.

There were aspects of parenting that I love more than anything else… Cuddling with my kids, hugging them, making them laugh etc. I didn't like playgroups but I took them out into wooded areas and we caught frogs and snakes and took water samples home to look at under the microscope. I loved teaching them things. And when they could talk about things that were also of interest to me it made things much easier.

But talking about Barney, or Sharon Lois and Bram, or Lambkins, Ninja Turtles or Pogs made me want to scream.

Regardless of what type you are, whether you like the job, or whether you don't, it is crucial to have some "me" time.

Even women who don't have mental health issues find the pressure gets to be enormous, and sometimes feel like they lose themselves in their job. It's because they're constantly nurturing and meeting other people's needs, and usually not meeting their own.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure on women to do far too many things. These days I think with "Pinterest Mom" culture it's even worse. Now everything has to be perfect.

So in order to keep looking after these children, I think you need to sit down with your husband and really think about ways that you can meet some of your needs. It's easy to get lost in that job and completely lose site of yourself.

But to keep doing it you need to care for yourself...

(((((((Hug))))))))

YES. All of this.

Thank you so much. You are entirely right. My new t wants me IP. I am discussing it with my husband tonight. I just want to be normal so badly. I just want to want to live so badly. I just hate feeling so helpless, so hopeless, so desperate. I just want peace. Thank you for making me feel better about myself. (((((Hug))))) to you, my friend

Awwwww..... Right back at you :-)

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I hope that you are able to discuss this with your husband and get to a place where they can get you fixed up quickly. You don't deserve to feel like you've been feeling.

I'm glad you were able to open up again in therapy (I am assuming). That's so helpful and the added perspective from the therapist is good. I'm glad you have her.