[cashart10]

Possible trigger:

I hadn't self harmed since I was literally 15 years old. Like I explained in another thread, I did. And for a bizarre reason. Now I just keep digging and digging and digging into my stomach with my fingernails. Please someone tell me to stop or that this is going to be okay.

PS: My pdoc still has not called me back and I don't know what the deal is.

[raspberrytorte]

Please stop!

[boogiesmash]

Cash I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please stop no one wants to see you hurt. Did you tell your doc?

[Victoria'smom]

It'll be okay, your meds aren't working right now but it'll get better once they do. One of the reasons you're not IP is because pdoc is watching you closely. If that's not the case anymore a new plan has to be formed. Scratches will heal are you putting antibiotic cream on it. I hate seeing you suffer this long.

[cashart10]

Thank you all

I sent him the following text:

Sorry to nag you Dr. S. I just haven't heard back from you and I'm feeling desperate.

Possible trigger:

Just not sure what to do about self harm. I keep wanting to make it worse.

Haven't dealt with it since I was a teenager. Also feeling like I'm done being a wife and mom. Don't know how to handle that either. Should I start taking the Haldol every day for a while? Is that going to make me think and act like myself again? Thank you for putting up with me and sorry if I am irritating you. Sarah

Does that sound okay? Is it important enough to stay on him about? Am I just being a nag?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I gave in and did the same thing. Stop. You'll regret it.

I'm not any better though cause I didn't tell my pdoc about my urges or sh today.

[wildflowerchild25]

You're not a nag. You're really suffering and you pay him to help you.

I've been following your posts even though I have been too depressed to say much. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and I hope you start feeling better soon.

[lovejoy91]

@Cash

Everything is going to be alright. Please stop harming yourself. You are a strong, extremely intelligent, and lovable person. You are far from being a nag. You have every right to contact your doctor because you are in need of service and he has to assist you accordingly. You are doing your part by being responsible and helping yourself. Just know that you are a fighter and will not back down. Get all the help that you receive, love!

Much love,

Lovejoy91

[cashart10]

My doctor called me back. He told me to take the full dose of Haldol tonight and to take 1/2 every morning and 1/2 every evening for a while and we'll see if that helps. He increased the dose of Klonapin to 2.5MG and made sure I was still taking the 600MG of Lamictal. He is supposed to be calling me tomorrow (we shall see).

[KaylaDee33]

i'm glad to see your doctor got in touch with you and addressed the situation. i wouldnt let yourself feel guilty or ashamed by your self harm, its just an unhealthy way of coping with stress that a lot of people, myself included, turn to in times of great need. just keep an eye on it and try distracting yourself with other things, though i know that can be hard as well.
good luck with the med change, i hope it helps out.

[mugwort2]

Just got on this thread a minute ago. Happy for you you're pdoc called you back.

[Mrs. Mania]

I'm questioning my roll as wife and mother also right now. I'm in a depressive episode, for over a week now. I just feel so blank, empty. I've been isolating and am worried about the social weekend ahead. I don't have any advice for the self harming but you are truly not alone in your thoughts. Hang in there

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Can you cut your fingernails so they are too short to hurt yourself? I know that you may just want to hurt yourself another way but if that's the way you are focused on sometimes (at least for me) getting rid of that way stops the thoughts or lets me get control. I once threw razor blades into the sewer grate that was in my yard because I was too afraid to have them thrown away where I could get at them again. Not the best thing to do but it was an emergency and it did help. My therapist currently has

Possible trigger:

a pocketknife I used when I was a camp counselor that I found in my sewing supplies (obviously?) and immediately thought I should hurt myself with something from the days when I was happy. I threw it in my car, locked the car and didn't let myself go into the garage until I went to see him the next day. Without that in the house I don't want to cut.

I don't know. Works for me. At least for a while, sometimes longer. I think I try to make myself keep focused on the thing I got rid of as the only means to hurt myself so that I don't sit and think about new ways. If that even makes sense.

[boogiesmash]

Cash how you doing today?

[Unrigged64072835]

Glad to hear the pdoc called you back. I hope you saw him and kept getting help.

[cashart10]

I'm not well today. Thank you all for your concern. I asked my husband if we could go to the ocean and he said I'm insane to think we would drive 10 or more hours for that. He said we'd plan a trip for the spring. I'm seriously considering walking out on my family. I can't be a wife and mom any more. I can't and don't know how to do it. I am completely indifferent about my husband and agitated by my children. My husband told me yesterday that alll I do is exist on our house. He said it's like I don't even want to spend time with him or the kids. I just agreed with him. I want to be alone. I just wish I had all the answers.

[cashart10]

That said, I realize that is bipolar talking. I love my husband, my kids are my life. I would be so selfish to leave. But, I really, really want to go.

[Victoria'smom]

If you do choose to leave leave to IP.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think Miguel's Mom is right that leaving to IP is probably best if you must leave. But I know your objections to IP.

Or can you make a list of things that you have to do before you can leave? I have done that with suicidal thoughts before and by the time I've gotten through half the list, which generally includes plenty of additions as I go, I don't feel so suicidal and can calm myself. I always put things like i have to get rid of papers that could embarrass me and clean out my email accounts and destroy my hard drive and make sure my cats are cared for and bills are paid and I've spent time with my nieces to let them know I love them and etc. It exhausts me if nothing else but I never have gotten near the bottom. One thing that always is on there is that I have to tell someone what I'm planning to do. But one of the good parts of this is that it is flexible and you can make it fit whatever you need it to.

My worry is that right now you know it is the bipolar making you feel this way but what if you aren't able to tell that? That's why taking a vacation in IP seems to make sense to me but again, I understand why you don't want to.

[BlackSheep79]

I think as well that you should go IP. Sorry you are going through this.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Mania

I'm questioning my roll as wife and mother also right now. I'm in a depressive episode, for over a week now. I just feel so blank, empty. I've been isolating and am worried about the social weekend ahead. I don't have any advice for the self harming but you are truly not alone in your thoughts. Hang in there

Thank you so much, Mrs. Mania! I hope for clearer thoughts for you and me both. I also hope your depression eases. I wish we had all the answers to this damn illness. I am exhausted from it. Much love to you!
Sarah

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Can you cut your fingernails so they are too short to hurt yourself? I know that you may just want to hurt yourself another way but if that's the way you are focused on sometimes (at least for me) getting rid of that way stops the thoughts or lets me get control. I once threw razor blades into the sewer grate that was in my yard because I was too afraid to have them thrown away where I could get at them again. Not the best thing to do but it was an emergency and it did help. My therapist currently has

Possible trigger:

a pocketknife I used when I was a camp counselor that I found in my sewing supplies (obviously?) and immediately thought I should hurt myself with something from the days when I was happy. I threw it in my car, locked the car and didn't let myself go into the garage until I went to see him the next day. Without that in the house I don't want to cut.

I don't know. Works for me. At least for a while, sometimes longer. I think I try to make myself keep focused on the thing I got rid of as the only means to hurt myself so that I don't sit and think about new ways. If that even makes sense.

I could cut my nails and it really may help.

Possible trigger:

When I was younger I used forks and knives and dug them into my skin. I have scars on my stomach. I haven't done it is SOOOO long. But, I still don't want to give it up.

It's quite ridiculous.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I think Miguel's Mom is right that leaving to IP is probably best if you must leave. But I know your objections to IP.

Or can you make a list of things that you have to do before you can leave? I have done that with suicidal thoughts before and by the time I've gotten through half the list, which generally includes plenty of additions as I go, I don't feel so suicidal and can calm myself. I always put things like i have to get rid of papers that could embarrass me and clean out my email accounts and destroy my hard drive and make sure my cats are cared for and bills are paid and I've spent time with my nieces to let them know I love them and etc. It exhausts me if nothing else but I never have gotten near the bottom. One thing that always is on there is that I have to tell someone what I'm planning to do. But one of the good parts of this is that it is flexible and you can make it fit whatever you need it to.

My worry is that right now you know it is the bipolar making you feel this way but what if you aren't able to tell that? That's why taking a vacation in IP seems to make sense to me but again, I understand why you don't want to.

The list is a great idea. I am going to tell my new therapist about it and see what she says. I wish I could see her tomorrow.

[cashart10]

I know I likely should go IP, but, like I've mentioned, it is so difficult for me to do it. When I look at the last 3 years at all the times I've needed to go to the hospital, I realize I could have been there for months worth of time that I instead stayed at home. Instead, I went IP only once and it was for postpartum psychosis. I only stayed 5 days, got my lithium level up to a 1.2 and came home as a still suicidal zombie. I just feel like I come out the same as I go in and I hate it. That is the smallest of the reasons.

Possible trigger:

When it comes to suicide, I feel like I am either going to do it, or I'm not going to do it.

I've told my pdoc that too. I am so tired of the med merry go round and honestly, based on my track record, it is only time, not meds, that stabilizes me. Right now, I am heavily drugged. I've realized that this mix of 5MG of Haldol + 1.5 MG of Klonapin mix in the evenings and this 2.5MG of Haldol + 1MG of Klonapin in the morning is to knock me the hell out. It does! Last night and this morning were my first doses. Last night I slept the entire night without waking and then I napped this afternoon. At this point, I've yet to take my evening meds. I am 2 hours late but about to get up and do it.

Possible trigger:

And, i just took a LONG, HOT, WONDERFUL shower that burned the hell out of my stomach and made it sting. Not only that, but I accidentally fell, hard! And, now I also have a gash on the back of my arm. I hate this feeling! What is wrong with me? It makes me want to cry.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I know it is hard not to. I've never really done it but have been really close and have been safety planned out of being able to do it without putting in extra effort. It can be hard to stop when you never have done it so I know it's got to be really hard to stop. But I'm still sad you feel that way. I know you are feeling so desperate and I know how much I hate feeling that way.