Anyone else ever get this feel?

So, from the point at which my PD and MI began to manifest, to the point at which I realized that something was wrong with me, pretty everything was "normal" to me. As in it was my normal, you know? Life was rough, for sure, but I didn't see things in terms of normal vs abnormal, or "that's a normal thing" vs "that's a mental illness" thing. I was just rolling with the punches, trying to survive and get along in life.

And then at that latter point, suddenly it was like, "Okay that is actually not normal, and neither is that, or that," etc. And although it didn't quite dawn on me at the time, it was the first time in my life that I looked at things in terms of normal vs abnormal. It was a new layer to all of my perceptions, a layer that hadn't existed before. And what came with it, was the realization that for a long time, I had been unable to tell what was normal and abnormal. Which furthermore cast a perpetual shadow over everything, because then how could I tell if I am able to tell what is normal and abnormal? Pretty trippy ****.

And then came the experience of having various people act like they had the answers and the solutions, ranging from friends to family to doctors to therapists to psychiatrists to people writing stuff I found on the internet to books in the library and beyond. So at first I was like okay, I can't tell, but other people can, so it's chill. But I went from one diagnosis to another. Generalized Anxiety. PTSD. Depression. DID. Bipolar Disorder. Etc. (Ironically enough nobody ever picked up on the BPD despite how blatantly obvious it was, or maybe it was denial because of stigma, who knows.) I've also been through multiple therapists and tried multiple medications.

So by now it's like, I can't tell whether or not I can tell what is normal or not normal, and nobody else can, either. Pretty much everyone else is just like me when it comes to my issues: they often think they know what is wrong, and how to fix it, but they don't.

I have actually been on a lot of forums over the years, and just like it has been with different therapists, all that changes are the words, but not the reality. There have been times when I would have said, "I'm experiencing a panic attack" and times when I would have said "I'm experiencing hyperarousal" and now it's "I'm experiencing a mixed state." With another type of experience, there are times when I would have said, "I'm experiencing disassociation" and times when it would have been "I'm experiencing flashbacks" and times when it would have been "I'm getting intrusive OCD thought/imagery issues" and now it's "I'm experiencing a mixed state and/or psychosis".

But then there are moments like now when honest to goodness I have no ****ing idea what is wrong with me, or how to fix it, and it all just feels like a big crazy joke.

I just also wonder about other people I see positing online sometimes. Like if someone were to come here and post about not being able to sleep and having racing thoughts, I would be like, "Sounds like hypo/mania" and if they seemed to be in crisis I would be like, "You should seek out treatment" of course meaning psychiatry. But that's because that is my current understanding of things, which is subject to change at any time, so it seems.

Anyone else just sometimes get this sort of "derealization" for yet another word? Like it's all just a big sea of words and guesses, but we are all totally lost in the dark at the end of the day?

I have always said "if I am MI" then how can I see what the truth concerning me is.... because of my shewed perceptions of reality ...

To me it basically feels like there is no reality. Like the very concept of "reality" is moot. Because I have had so many different realities over the years, and at one point, the concept of reality is that there is one, and everything else is not-reality. Then in therapy the concept was changed to "everyone has their own reality" and I was like "no everyone has their own perception of a singular reality" and it was argued that it's basically the same thing. At which point I can't help but feel like well **** off then and leave my reality alone.

I think people tend to give advice based on their experiences. It's basically what we have in common that helps establish rapport with another. At times it seems like we're all fumbling around, but at least we're not alone. Sometimes that's comforting.

I don't remember having a normal part of my life, but my life has been run over with MI for so long that I may not recognize it. I'm also more hyper vigilant about my moods because I don't know that normal state. That's still something I'm trying to figure out.

Yeah I mean I am very chill about people trying to help each other figure things out and understand, to the best that we can. Sometimes I just feel really lost and like it's pointless, though. I ran out of medication, and yet I am sleeping more? I don't understand. And why didn't the medication help me more to begin with, why was it suddenly powerless as soon as I started my job? Was it ever really working in the first place? It has just been so many times I've gone through the process of like, "Okay so this is it, this is what I have, and these are the words for what I experience, and this is the solution that will lead to the 'normal' that I am unable to tell whether or not I can even recognize." And then poof it's all gone. Sometimes I look at the different forums for the different illnesses and disorders and just feel like we are all the same. Idunno I am going through withdrawal so maybe I'm just not making sense.

It's just like pretty much almost everyone here is on meds and almost everyone here is still suffering / has problems. I'm not advocating everyone dump their meds. I guess I am just like.. disillusioned, maybe. Once again I thought I had it figured out, but I was wrong.

Meds aren't the only answer. Therapy and self-help are needed. At least self-care and the ability to be introspective. It is not like you take a pill and everything turns out good.

But haven't many of us tried all of those things? I really doubt that most of the people on here discussing their struggles have only tried popping a pill and nothing more throughout their life.

I know I am rambling really bad and probably struggling to come across right (sorry), but I guess my overall feeling is that I feel like I am at a dead end. I have tried therapy, self-help, CBT exercises, having strict routine, self-medicating, etc. Trying official psychiatric medication was the last thing on the list that I hadn't tried yet, and it bombed.

And when I browse the forums everyday I see a bunch of people on medications, who have been in therapy or are in therapy, who talk about CBT, etc and yet here we all are.

It's just grating on the way my brain works. Like there must always be an answer, a solution, I just have to be smart enough to figure it out. And when that's not the case it's just like.. I don't even know.

You're a great writer!

I also find the diagnoses very interesting and do research and try and interpret myself according to each. It's amusing but there's no other point. Learning that i have borderline was useless because i can't tolerate the therapy because of my bipolar. It's really bipolar that impacts my life the most any how. Just a friendly note: in DID its dissociate, not disAssociate.

This is Water.

I get it. I'm withdrawing from xanax, dumped my other meds. Been in some form of therapy for 20 years, many different meds, different diagnosis... But never a cure.

"Trying official psychiatric medication was the last thing on the list that I hadn't tried yet, and it bombed. "

So you have tried meds and they didn't worK?

You must remember, that this is a journey. There is no CURE for bipolar. It takes a while to get that, and it is crap, but I try to remember. There is only management.

Most days I am fine. You?